Tag Archives: attempted murder

SVH #125: Camp Killer

14 Aug

camp killer

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

I’m back! And this book is just as boring as when I abandoned it MONTHS ago.  Without further ado:

Camp is winding down, but Liz decides it’s the perfect time to be super spooked out by the camp’s urban legend.  The legend goes that a long time ago, a counselor fell in love with a woodcutter (lolwut), but they were forbidden to see each other by the camp owner.  The girl ran away into the woods to be with her lumberjack, but she was never seen again.  The legend says that you can still hear the sound of wood being chopped every once in a while.  Liz actually based her super-special play on this legend, but now she’s totally creeped out and has a psychic-like feeling that Something Bad will happen.

At a bonfire one night, Joey tells the story of the camp legend but adds on a bunch of stuff about an ax murderer named Crazy Freddy that scares all the super annoying campers.  Liz makes out with Joey, Nicole is super jealous and plots a bunch of dumb stuff, and Liz worries about Jessica’s safety when she stays out super late to make out with Paul.  The two have to borrow one of Paul’s neighbor’s horses and that lands Paul in trouble with his parents, throwing a wrench in their plans to see as much of each other as possible.

A camp color war is one of the final camp events, and Liz and Nicole are pitted against each other as opposing team captains.  Nicole is still obsessed with Joey, who has the personality of cardboard toast, but she still works hard to mess things up for Liz.  She writes Todd a letter, including a picture of Liz and Joey kissing, but Maria won’t let her send it.  Nicole also sneaks out into the woods and makes woodcutting noises to freak Liz out, because she is actually insane, but whatever.  Maria begs Nicole to take it down a notch.

On the day of the color war, Jessica flakes so she can go see Paul, forcing Liz to cover all of Jessica’s activities as well as her own.  Jessica and Paul decide that pretending to be Crazy Freddy and scare everyone at camp is a really great idea and will in no way go badly or even further draw attention to the fact that she isn’t performing the basic duties of the job she was hired to do.  This doesn’t even matter, because an actual ax murderer shows up and drags Jessica off.  Tanya the camper sees this happen and tries to stop it, but the crazy guy just grabs her too and brings the two girls to a remote cabin in the woods.

When the campers start to notice that one of their own is missing, Joey runs off into the woods to rescue her.  The counselors pair off and start searching the woods.  Nicole and Liz pair up and have to work together.  They run into Paul, who tells them that Jessica is also missing.  There is a super convoluted plan where the girls will act as bait while Paul rescues Joey (now also captured?), Jessica, and Tanya.  Liz almost dies but doesn’t, and everyone gets away after a scuffle.  I literally don’t care and would gnaw my arm off if it would speed up the conclusion of this inane story.  Nicole gives Joey and Liz her blessing after a change of heart.  That’s…great?

The B-Plot involves Lila and Bo getting lost in the woods and spending a night sleeping on a dirt road.  They meet a crop duster pilot the next morning who wants to give them a lift back to camp but his boss says no.  After grumbling about how he’s so close to starting his own crop dusting business, Lila and Bo (both super rich, remember?) decide to invest in his company and he gets them back to camp.  No one knew they were missing, which sort of drives home the pointlessness of this entire book.

 

 

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Bo performed in his high school’s production of South Pacific.
  • The color teams for the color war are blue and red.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “‘We’re talking about a thousand dollars, kids.  Do you have any idea how much money that is?’  The insult stung, and Lila’s temper flared. ‘Of all the nerve!’ she said, raging. ‘I’ll have you know that I’ve got a dress back at camp that cost nearly twice that.” (185)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis: 

Why did the series feel the need to unleash another homicidal maniac?  Why would they bring in that story this far into this mini-series and have it not make any sense?  Why does everyone continue to act like total idiots, despite the ever-increasing experience they have with kidnappings, attempted murders, hostage situations and the like?  Why is everyone the worst?

I don’t really have the energy to dissect this one further.  I keep hoping one of these will be interesting, but the further we get into the series, the worse it gets.  And it was a low bar to clear to begin with.  Good grief.

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SVH Magna Edition: Return of the Evil Twin

18 Feb

return twin

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3  weeks

Summary/Overview:

It’s Christmas time in Sweet Valley yet again, and the twins are excited about vacation.  Jessica and Elizabeth are working with some arbitrary inside twincharity group to raise funding for a new children’s wing at the Fowler Memorial Hospital, and they get the brilliant idea to host a New Year’s Eve party at the traveling carnival that will be in town over the holiday.  The owners of the carnival agree to donate all profits to the charity, which is super convenient to the plot.

To celebrate the start of the holiday, the entire gang throws a caroling party.  The group meets at Secca Lake for a bonfire before heading out to sing carols to the unsuspecting Sweet Valley citizens, but Jessica and Todd are both very late, and Elizabeth worries about them.  On his way to the lake, Todd’s car spins out after he sees something move across the road and he slams into a guardrail, fading into unconsciousness.  Jessica sees his car on the road as she approaches and jumps out, saving him just in time, as his car goes over the side of the cliff and blows up.  This is obviously big news, and Todd’s gratefulness for Jessica’s heroics lead him to start to have romantic feelings for her.  This is probably exacerbated by Liz’s completely irrational feelings of jealousy over Jessica saving her boyfriend’s life.  It doesn’t help that everyone wants to ask Jess about it, and the paper even runs their picture on the front page, calling Todd her boyfriend instead of Liz’s.

Things continue to go badly for Liz, who has started dreaming about Margo again, even though she’s totally dead, right?  Also, Todd and Jess are totally into telling their story about the harrowing experience near Secca Lake, and Liz and Ken both feel shunted aside.  Jessica and Liz argue a lot.  Jessica starts having nightmares about Margo.

Meanwhile, in Savannah, Georgia, a moody girl named Nora Chapelle has just lost her father.  Because her mother died years ago, this makes her an orphan.  This is especially true when her evil stepmother offers her $5o,ooo to disappear from her life.  She also lets the bomb drop that Nora had an identical twin sister who was so evil that they gave her up for adoption.  Nora takes off to New York to track her sister’s whereabouts and it isn’t long before she manages to trace Margo’s life from there to Ohio to Sweet Valley.  Despite providing the readers a solid recap of the first evil twin saga, this book also adds information about the ambulance carrying Margo’s body never reaching the hospital, and that it ended up in a river (Margo’s body wasn’t found).  Convinced it’s all the Wakefield twins’ fault, Nora hops a plane to L.A. to get revenge for her sister.  She books a room at the Sweet Valley Inn and starts spying on the Wakefields.

One night, she goes to visit the gravestone that a local teen shelter erected in Margo’s honor.  This makes no sense whatsoever, but neither does what comes next: Margo appears in the cemetary, and the girls realize that the other still exists.  Nora takes Margo back to her hotel room and cringes a lot because Margo is messy and Nora is pathologically clean.  Margo convinces Nora that the Wakefield twins’ lives are rightfully there, and it’s time to claim their dues.

Jessica and Liz make up, but then Margo and Nora mess with their heads one night at the most spectacularly attended screening of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  Liz and Enid go, and Ken and Jessica go, but Nora, posing as Elizabeth, goes with Todd and makes out with him.  Liz and Enid see it and assume it’s Jessica, and Liz FREAKS OUT and screams at Jessica and Todd (separately, and later, instead of confronting them at the theater, which makes way more sense).  The twins stop speaking and go to the New Year’s Eve carnival at odds with one another yet again.

Meanwhile, Nora and Margo fight over who has to be Elizabeth once they take over for real. Margo tells Nora that she should be, since she’s so neat, but Nora also wants to be Jessica.  If this isn’t the most perfect encapsulation of the Liz/Jess dynamic, I don’t know what is.  At the carnival, Liz sulks and Jessica goes into the house of mirrors for a good spook.  After the carnival, Jessica goes home to sleep and Liz stays to clean up.  Nora realizes that Margo has left her to do her own spying and decides to go and kill Jessica before Margo can so that she can take over the twin’s life.  She sneaks into the Wakefield house, stabs the sleeping form of Jessica, and is nearly out the window when Liz walks in and sees it all happen.  Liz collapses onto Jessica and blacks out.  Nora takes off but is seen escaping by Alice and Ned on their way home from party.

The doctors can’t save Jessica, and it’s a few days later when they have a memorial service for Jessica at SVH.  Despite telling the detectives that she knows it was Margo, no one believes her.  When she’s standing in the auditorium, she suddenly realizes that Jessica is still alive and needs her help.  No one believes her about this, either.   She furiously works out the clues Jessica has sent her in dreams.  When the police come to question her again, she steals one of their guns and goes back to the school.

Nora is convinced she has to kill Margo so that she can take over the only remaining Wakefield twin’s life.  She becomes convinced that Margo’s hiding in the basement at SVH and goes there to kill her.  But it’s Jessica! Elizabeth arrives and points the gun at both girls, then makes a decision about which is which.  Nora spills the beans about how she’s not Margo, realizes that she killed her own sister and seems sad about it (even though she was prepared to do that again right here), and then cries.  The police come and arrest her, and all is well again.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Outfit alert: Jessica “borrows” Liz’s candy-striped sweater, white pants, and Christmas tree ornament earrings for the caroling party.
  • Liz and Ken go to see The Shining
  • According to Margo, she’s able to hold her breath for up to 3 minutes underwater

Memorable Quotes:

  • “I have a librarian friend–a former paramour of mine.” (75) [this just made me laugh because i’m a librarian]
  • “Elizabeth is such a prude, she makes me want to throw up.” (182)
  • “Do you know that in all this time Todd has never even managed to get Elizabeth out of her clothes? It’s positively sick!” (210)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

There’s something deeply unsettling to this reader about the idea of a father giving away one of his daughters to an adoption agency/foster care because of clear psychotic tendencies.  The family clearly has money, and it is astounding to me that they wouldn’t even consider psychiatric help before throwing in the towel on a toddler.  I’m choosing to ignore the idea that the Wakefield twins have not one but two doppelgangers, though.  I just can’t handle it.

My favorite part of this book is when Elizabeth steals a gun from the police and faces literally no repercussions.

SVH Super Thriller #10: A Killer on Board

9 Feb

killerboard

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

To celebrate the capture of John Marin and the fact that all the Wakefields are unfortunately still alive and kicking, Ned decides to take Alice and the girls (but not you, Steven) on a family vacation to Catalina Island.  The girls get Maria Santelli to cover their waitressing shifts for a week, because that’s how this shit works, and they head off towards a beach vacation at a fancy resort.  All of them are still quite tense about what has just happened with Marin, but they all try hard to put the past behind them.

Meanwhile, Marin is in prison for about five seconds before he convinces a young prison guard named LeighAnn LaShay that he’s in love with her.  He fakes sick, takes her hostage, kills another guard, and kidnaps LaShay in her own car, finally disposing of the car in the desert.  He leaves LeighAnn bound and gagged in her car.  Then he manages to make it back to Sweet Valley, convinces an associate named Griffin Pierce at Ned’s office that he’s with the phone company, and hacks into Ned’s voicemail to determine where the family is staying.  Once on the island, he sweet talks his way into a suite despite the hotel being booked solid and then gleans information about what rooms the Wakefields are staying in.

In a bizarrely quick plot point, Ned manages to figure out that Marin might not be where he’s supposed to be.  A quick call into the Sweet Valley Police tells him what he feared: Marin’s escaped and on the hunt.  He tells the detective not to bother calling the Coast Guard, because Marin is already on the island.  He knows because Marin’s using LaShay as an alias. Dun dun DUN.

Jessica and Liz enjoy a day of horseback riding with a guide-led group.  They grow tired of walking their horses and convince the guide to let them go off on their own.  Of course they get lost, and then they end up trapped next to a cliff.  Jessica’s horse starts to go over and panic just as John Marin meets up with them on his own horse.  Liz tries to distract him while Jessica gets her footing, and Jessica manages to leap into the air onto Liz’s horse.  They run off, Marin in hot pursuit.  It rains and they continue to pound away, finally getting free of his sights.  They run into Ned, who has been searching for them, and return to the hotel for a tearful reunion with Alice.

Instead of sitting and waiting with the police, Ned insists that he get his family off the island immediately.  The hotel acquiesces and gets him a boat from a local woman.  He sails his family towards the California shore, but Marin is already onto him and steals a motor boat after knocking the owner unconscious.  He approaches the boat and makes it look as though his craft is in danger.  Ned takes a raft to investigate while Alice calls “the coastguard” which is really just Marin.  Then he jumps off the boat and heads for the Wakefields while Ned is still trying to help whoever is on the motorboat.  Is this book over yet? Jesus.

Marin climbs on board and knocks Alice unconscious before tying up the three of them.  He pours gasoline all over the boat while taunting him, then lights a match.  The boat goes up in flames, and it seems all is lost, but Ned has managed to get the motorboat working and jumps onboard in the nick of time.  He wrestles with Marin before helping the women get free, and then orders them off the boat onto a waiting dinghy.  He goes back for Marin, and the twins and Alice row away from the boat before it explodes.  Ned arrives emptyhanded, saying that Marin is dead.  The group rows towards shore.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • The hotel Ned has booked the family at is called Hotel Orizaba
  • The horse Jessica rides is named Black Beauty, and Liz’s horse is named Fred.
  • John Marin makes a Doublemint Gum commerical joke, which is HILARIOUS because Brittany and Cynthia Daniel, who played the twins in the SVH TV series, were in one of those very same commercials.  SEE? HILARIOUS.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “But really, Liz, we’re perfectly safe now. The odds of running into another super-sexy guy who’s also a serial killer are practically nonexistent.  There just aren’t that many murderers out there, and we already found one this summer. So, statistically, there’s no danger anymore.” (18)
  • “Do you rehearse your lame comments ahead of time,” Elizabeth asked, “or do you improvise on the spot?” (114)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Where to even start?  Let’s start with the “maximum security” prison Marin breaks out of, and the fact that they had one 23-year-old girl on guard duty.  Then let’s deal with the fact that Marin was able to basically walk out of the prison with her as a hostage.  No one stopped them.  It makes no sense.  NONE OF IT DOES.

But probably my biggest beef with this book is the completely insane response of Ned Wakefield to take his family on a boat in the middle of the night in the midst of a storm instead of waiting it out at the hotel, surrounding by other people.  Why wouldn’t he wait with the police for Marin to return to the hotel?  Why did he think it was safer to travel alone in the water in the dark? HOW?  HOW IS THIS SAFER?

TERRIBLE.

SVH Super Thriller #9: A Stranger in the House

6 Feb

stranger

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

For some bizarre reason, it is summer vacation AGAIN.  Steven is home and working at Ned’s law office, and the twins stranger 2have both gotten jobs at the Marina Cafe as waitresses.  Jessica thinks it’s going to be all hot guys and big tips, but Liz is, predictably, much more practical about the entire endeavor.  When Jessica points out that Liz is in a rut, she actually agrees and wonders if she can shake things up.  Their first day of waitressing entails a lot of running around and getting mixed up by the restaurant’s manager.  Liz leaves with Todd for a date and Jessica ends up meeting  handsome young man named Scott Maderlake who tells her he’s a scout for a television series.  The two flirt and make plans for a date.

Meanwhile, Ned Wakefield is obsessing over news that convicted murderer John Marin is being release 15 years early from prison.  Ten years prior, Ned put him away while working as an assistant district attorney.  Before Marin was locked up, he swore he’d get his revenge on Ned by coming at him through his family.  Worried about the safety of his children, Ned leaps at the chance to send Steven down to San Diego for a month to work on a case, and frets over Liz and Jess’s safety.

When Ned receives a threatening card from someone who signs it “JM,” he is sure it’s from Marin.  But the police basically tell him that they can’t do anything unless Marin violates parole, which he does about five minutes later, as he gave his PO a fake address.  But now no one can figure out where Marin went, so they have to look for him.  In a panic, Ned calls in a favor to a PI friend and arranges to have someone follow Jess and Liz during the day, for their “protection.” He doesn’t tell the girls–or even Alice–this, of course.  This will end well.

Of course, Marin is already in Sweet Valley, has already broken into the Wakefield home, and has gathered intel on the twins and their lives.  He’s also set up a phone tap on the house phone, because of course he has.  So he’s one step ahead of Ned (or, like, seven, but whatever).  Ned continues to receive threatening mail from him, including an envelope with Jessica’s lavalier necklace.

Liz locks eyes with a mysterious cute boy at the Dairi Burger one night and thinks he might be her soulmate because he’s writing in a notebook.  When he shows up at the cafe the next day, she finds out from Jane that he’s living on a boat and is a writer.  Liz practically swoons.  When she finally gets a chance to talk to him a few days later, she finds out that his name is Ben Morgan.  They take a walk along the docks.

In fact, both twins continue to see their new dudes (who is totally the same person but whatever) in secret, not even telling each other about their newfound love.  When Ned asks tensely if either girl has met anyone new or unusual lately, they both lie, and it’s clear that they are both lying.  Ned doesn’t tell the girls about the necklace and though he worries about it and Jim the PI tells him it’s important to know which twin it came from, he continues to sit on it.

The police call Ned with good news: they’ve arrested who they think John Marin is.  But then the twins are attacked while closing the cafe one night, and when they ID the man they think did it, it’s the dude the police had already arrested.  It becomes clear that Marin set this guy up to take the fall.  Although both twins know about John Marin and their father’s past now, Elizabeth still sneaks out to meet Ben for a midnight sail.  Ned is distracted by the fact that Marin has killed Jim, his PI.  The police also find the body of the security detail that was hired to watch over Jess and Liz.  What a murdering spree!

Once Jessica figures out that Liz isn’t with Todd like she said (because he calls the house), she and Ned and the police rush to the beach disco to interrogate Jane about who Liz has been seeing in secret.  They go to find the boat and end up sending out the coast guard (and riding along, because why not) to meet the boat.  John tries to kill Elizabeth with a knife but she stomps on his foot and runs towards the back of the boat while he heads towards the dinghy to make an escape.  She nearly drowns, but Jessica saves her.

At home, the police show up and tell the twins they found bloody remnants of Marin’s jacket and that he’s believed to have been eaten by sharks.  Because that’s the most logical explanation for his disappearance.  The twins rest easy for approximately five minutes before Marin shows up, having hidden in the basement and drugging Prince Albert.  Marin hits Ned with a piece of wood and goes upstairs to kill the twins.  Before he can, Ned storms in and throws him against a wall.  Then Marin jumps out a window. I’m not sure why.

The police arrest Marin and all is well with the world.  OR IS IT?

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • The Marina Cafe makes their waitresses wear turquoise polo shirts and khaki shorts. Glamorous!
  • Ned has “progressive views on rehabilitation”
  • Jane has just graduated college but at one point she sees Todd and says, “If I were ten years younger…” So, you’d be into him when you were 12? WHAT?
  • “Ben’s” boat is named Emily Dickinson

Memorable Quotes:

  • “After ten years in prison, there isn’t much I don’t know about picking a lock.” (37) [Wait, what?!]
  • “Calm down, Ned. Your daughters are attractive girls. They might not have realized that this was different from the kind of surveillance they must be used to from men.” (174)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

My first issue with the book is the entire concept of John Marin.  First of all, he committed a horrific crime, was convicted of it, and was up for parole in 10 years.  He murdered two people brutally, which under California law would have made him eligible to be tried under a Capital offense, unless I’m mistaken (I’m no lawyer like Ned, but I think this is right).  So he wouldn’t be up for parole.  But even if he hadn’t been tried under that, he still wouldn’t have been eligible for parole after 10 years.  It just doesn’t work that way.  Not even for a pretty white dude in prison.

But then there’s the complete ridiculousness of Ned Wakefield.  He tells no one in his family that he’s worried about John Marin, even after John Marin has started to break into the house.  This is not the reaction of a human being who loves his family.  This is the reaction of a person who has lost his grip on reality, or someone who secretly wants his family dead (can’t blame him there).  It makes no sense.

My favorite part of this book was when the police show up with scraps of the windbreaker Marin was wearing on the boat and they tell the Wakefields that there’s blood on the clothes and it’s being tested for a DNA match, but it’s only a “formality” because they’re sure Marin is dead. I actually laughed out loud, because this is legitimately the dumbest thing I have heard, maybe ever.

SVH Super Thriller #8: Murder in Paradise

28 Jan

murderinparadise

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

Alice Wakefield has randomly won an all-expense paid trip to a spa in a glamorous location.  Because Alice has no friends, she takes her daughters, as well as Lila and her mom, Grace, and Enid (her mom has to “work” and can’t make it). The spa, creatively named Paradise Spa, is full of beautiful people, with the exception of the spa’s owner, Tatiana Mueller.  While Alice has a feeling of deja vu when she meets Tatiana, she largely ignores her feelings of foreboding.

The ladies settle into life at the spa.  Jessica and Lila are horrified to find that there are no mirrors anywhere at the resort, and when they ask if they can have a mirror delivered to their room, Tatiana tells them no, because the spa focuses on inner beauty.  Except this is a beauty spa, so that makes no sense, but whatever.  It takes approximately five seconds before Jessica meets a golf instructor named Chris and falls in love with him.  She gets worried when he seems to be pretty into Liz, though.

And indeed he is, because he asks Liz to meet him for a rousing game of tennis.  She agrees, so long as he’ll bring a friend for her friend, Enid.  Enid has been feeling bad about how gorgeous Liz is and how she gets all the boys or whatever.  Tatiana has actually been feeding into Enid’s insecurities, but they are boring, so whatever.  Enid hits it off with Chris’s friend Alex, and the date goes well until Jessica shows up and acts all distracting.  Enid is miserable and consumed with jealousy, which is only compounded by the fact that Tatiana has started hypnotizing Enid and telling her that her mother never loved her.  WHAT?

Liz and Chris run off and make out.  Later, the group of teens is on a fun outing of frisbee golf, like teens are wont to do, and they stumble upon a super weird building in the woods without any windows.  The hotel staffers run away, and there’s clearly something weird going on.  Liz overhears Tatiana yelling at a waitress named Katya about letting guests into the woods, and when Katya ends up dead in the steam room later, Liz finds it mighty suspicious, despite Tatiana saying that Katya had a heart condition.  Liz does some more snooping and discovers that not only was Katya a runaway, but so are most of the spa’s staff.  They work at the spa for room and board and make no actual income.  Liz also thinks that they seem a tad brainwashed.

Then Alice goes missing, and Tatiana brushes it off, saying she probably just wanted some time alone.  The twins try to call home, but the phone’s dead.  Tatiana continues to act weird, and Jessica spies on her and sneaks into her office when she’s not there.  Once inside, she finds a yearbook from Sweet Valley University with Alice’s picture cut out.  DUN DUN DUN!  Eventually, Elizabeth manages to get her laptop plugged into a phone line, and after a little research, pulls up some weird stuff about the spa and plastic surgery.  While she does that, Jessica goes through Tatiana’s files and finds that all of the staff have undergone plastic surgery, and Enid is next!

The twins get an email from Ned, who tells the girls that they did know a Tatiana Mueller in college.  She was obsessed with Alice and everyone made fun of her because she was unattractive.  Liz goes to do some thinking by a waterfall and gets kidnapped by Chris, who is wearing a lab coat.  Once she’s kidnapped, Chris reveals to her that Tatiana wants to look like Alice and has trained another person to be the perfect plastic surgeon so this can be accomplished.  The plan is to kill Alice once the surgery is complete.

Right before Elizabeth dies, Lila, Jessica, and Enid come rushing in to save the day.  Enid’s brainwashing unravels as Chris spews his story, and she helps overpower Tatiana and her assistants.  The police arrive, and all is well.  Everyone goes home.  Even the surgically-altered runaways.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • The shelter for runaways that Liz calls is called Manford House
  • There’s another plug for the search engine (?) INFOMAX in this book

Memorable Quotes:

  • “’I’ve gained four pounds since Hugh dumped me.’ Her green eyes glittered; a tear slid down her freckled cheek. ‘If I were prettier, if I looked more like you and Jessica, Hugh would have never gotten tired of me.’  Elizabeth continued to shake her head empathetically. Inside, though, she had to admit that there might be a tiny measure of truth to what Enid said.”

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I mean, what is there even to say?  The idea that Alice would bring her daughters, their friends, and their friend’s mothers (well, except Enid’s) to a spa for a week is sad enough.  Don’t you have any friends, Alice?  Isn’t it weird to bring the mom of one of your daughter’s friends whom you barely know?  Setting aside that, don’t you think it’s weird that you can’t remember the name Tatiana Mueller, which is fairly unusual?  Remember how she lived down the hall from you in college and was OBSESSED with you?

But then the rest of it is just silly.  Both Jessica and Elizabeth are supposed to have boyfriends at home (Ken and Todd, respectively) and within minutes of arriving at Paradise Spa, they’re macking on the same dude.  Like, what the hell?  A fling when you’re across the world is one thing, but you’re going to be home in a matter of days (provided you don’t die at the hands of a deranged, body-image-obsessed psychopath).  Cool your jets, ladies.

Then there’s the issue of Tatiana and her hare-brained scheme.  How did she really see this playing out?  She was going to kill the entire group and take over Alice’s life?  That seems unlikely.  So she just wanted to look like Alice and go on living her life?  Did she not think that people were going to start getting suspicious about how many people “disappeared” or actually died in her health spa?  Are there not regulations regarding those sorts of things?  Didn’t she have to put in purchase orders for her medical equipment?  DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE?

Also, Enid.  LOL.

SVH #105: A Date with a Werewolf

27 Jun

adatewithawerewolf

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

Turns out that it isn’t Jessica’s body in Jessica’s bed, but the body of Joy, another blonde girl who was spending the weekend at the manor.  Elizabeth is overcome with relief, because Jessica and Joy switched rooms midway through the night.  The entire house is up in arms about the murder, and after being interviewed by the local constable, everyone sort of goes about their business.  The next day, Liz and Luke head back to London while Jessica rides back with Robert later.  Liz and Luke talk about the murders and figure out a way to bring down the Pembroke paper cover-up.  Liz lets it slip that the missing princess–whom the paper is now offering a 1 million pound reward–is Lina.  Way to go, Liz.  That didn’t take long AT ALL.  Luke assures her he won’t tell, but does remind her that as long as the paper can use her as a cover-up, people will die.  Uh, okay.

Liz poses as Jessica to go interview Mrs. Pembroke and ends up offending her terribly.  Jessica finds out about the interview through Robert, and though she’s PISSED at Liz, she goes along with the story and tries to mend fences at dinner.  It doesn’t work, and she stays super mad at Liz, who continues to do things like pretend to be Jessica so she can solve these murders.  She also goes out with Rene, who tells her there are absolutely no such things as werewolves.  She believes him until she watches a horror movie with Luke and decides that there are totally such things as werewolves.

Liz poses as Jessica and goes back out to the Pembroke country estate to interview Robert Senior under the guise of his wife’s missing coat.  While she’s there, another person is murdered–this time it’s the (pretty, plump) cook, Maria.  Elizabeth snoops around the house and discovers a secret room in the library, filled with werewolf paraphernalia.  She also discovers that Lord Pembroke was in love with a woman named Annabelle years before.  While in the library, Robert Senior comes in with the police chief and they discuss the fact that Lord Pembroke is withholding evidence about the murders.  When the chief leaves, Lord Pembroke talks out loud about how he’s sure his son is innocent.  Then he warns Robert to go into hiding until the thing blows over.

Liz thinks Jessica is in danger, so she tries to get back to London.  Jessica has gone shopping to drown her sorrows about being abandoned by Robert in the middle of their day together, and on her way back to HIS, she gets attacked (?) by something in the subway.  Now she believes in werewolves, because the thing growled at her and seemed hairy.  She brings this news to Liz and Luke and Lucy and Tony, the newspaper people, and they discuss it for a really long time.  Jessica is resolute in her belief that it is not Robert.

Meanwhile, Lina (Princess Eliana) falls in love with David, a poor boy also staying at HIS.  The two hit it off, and then he puts two and two together when he sees a paper of the princess in the paper.  She runs away but then decides the way she can show him she really cares is by allowing him to turn her in and collect the reward.  That way, he can open a free clinic and go to medical school.  At a press conference at the newspaper, she makes a statement, coming out of hiding.  She and David are still totally in love.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Elizabeth’s nightgown is flannel and Jessica’s is pink satin.  Why are they both wearing nightgowns?
  • The book repeatedly refers to the Pembroke’s country cook as “plump, pretty” and it’s annoying.
  • We’re definitely being force-fed the detective stuff: Nancy Drew and Agatha Christie are mentioned

Memorable Quotes:

  •  “Face it, Lina,” she concluded, “coincidences like that only happen to people like Jessica and Elizabeth.  They obviously lead charmed lives–unlike normal, everyday blokes like you and me.” (9)
  • “Elizabeth wrote a line in her notebook: ‘Keep an eye on the elder Pembroke.'” (14)
  • “‘I don’t know why Elizabeth is such a wimp all of a sudden,’ Jessica continued, ‘but I don’t scare so easily. You poets are too weird. I’m just glad I’m dating a normal guy.'” (109)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

A couple of things: first of all, why on earth would everyone want to stay at Pembroke Manor after that horrible murder occurred?  Like, the constable just told people not to leave England.  They totally could have gone back to London–wouldn’t that be the natural response?  This is super weird to me, but not as weird as how nonchalant Jessica is about the entire thing.  At one point, she actually says that Joy would have wanted them to go on enjoying England.  Um, okay.  Crazy pants.

The other thing is that the book makes it so clear that there is not an actual werewolf roaming the streets, it’s not even funny.  Jessica gets chased by something, falls down and doesn’t look up to see what is standing over her?  Seriously?  UGH.  THIS MINI-SERIES NEEDS TO END.

SVH #100: The Evil Twin

13 Jun

the evil twin

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week or so

Summary/Overview:

It is Christmas AGAIN in Sweet Valley.

Jessica is sad because she’s still fighting with Elizabeth and is lonely.  She sulks through the special school assembly where Liz announces The Oracle’s plans to feature new columnists after the break, and then when she gets a special candy cane delivery during math class, she’s surprised to see the card signed “Happy Horrordays, Jessica.”

James blows Jessica off and she is sad.  Elizabeth yells at her and she is sad some more.  Then James breaks up with her over the phone even though he totally loves her and she feels even sadder.  When he calls her after Christmas and asks her to meet him at the old marina, she begs Liz and Todd for a ride, since Steven has taken the Jeep to drive Alice and Ned to the airport.  They get there in time to see James get pushed over the edge of the marina by someone.  Todd tackles who he thinks is the assailant, but it’s really Josh, who was trying to stop Margo.  Jessica faints.

Elizabeth gets a special candy cane and card, too.  Hers says something about “Decking the halls with bloody bodies.”  Todd throws the card away and tells her not to worry about it.  Elizabeth goes into her room and finds things mussed up and assumes it’s Jessica’s handiwork.  When Jessica tries to talk to Liz, she blows up at her about it.

Liz dreams about the night of the Jungle Prom and the punch she drank is featured prominently.  When she wakes up, she can’t figure out what about the dream was important.

Margo trolls the halls of Sweet Valley High, trying to gain as much information about Elizabeth as she can before she assumes her life.  She meets James at Kelly’s Bar, and he tells her he wants off the payroll.  She accuses him of falling in love with Jessica, then tells him she doesn’t need his services any more.  But then she threatens him with death if he so much as looks at Jessica again.

She sneaks into the Wakefield house as Liz and hugs Alice, who can’t help but feel weird about the encounter.  She snoops around Liz’s room, reads her diary, and is generally a creeper.  She goes out with Todd as Liz and goes to the mall with Lila as Jessica.  She continues to weave in and out of the house, pretending to be Liz when it’s convenient and causing inconsistencies in everyone’s stories.

Josh Smith is still hot on Margo’s trail, trying to find her and also trying to figure out what she’s doing in Sweet Valley.  He investigates some local unsolved mysteries, including the death of the woman Margo ran over in order to take her job at the catering company and makes connections.

He finally finds the room she’s been renting and breaks in.  There, he finds her walls are covered with stuff about the Wakefield twins.  She’s also written “I am Elizabeth” in red lipstick.

At this point, it’s probably just easier to merge the story lines.  After James is murdered on the marina dock, Todd tackles Josh to the ground.  Margo escapes and calls the police.  Todd and the twins go down to make a statement to the police about what they say.  Josh tries to warn Todd that there’s a psycho on the loose, and despite the fact that Todd is creeped out, he doesn’t seem to put together the weird events of the past several days or weeks or whatever.

Both twins continue to have nightmares and wake up screaming.  Steven tries to comfort them.  Meanwhile, Margo intercepts a phone call from Alice about the disastrous trip they’re on.  It takes for fucking ever for Ned and Alice to realize they’ve been scammed, but then they can’t get a flight back to Sweet Valley because of inclement weather.

Meanwhile, Josh escapes from jail.  Despite the radio alerts that go out about him, he’s determined to get to Margo.  She’s putting her plan into full motion, making sure that Jessica offers “Liz” the right dress she can duplicate for Lila’s New Year’s Eve party.

Liz continues to have nightmares about the night of the Jungle Prom until she finally pieces together the fact that Jessica spiked her punch.  Feeling more betrayed than ever, she cries a bunch.

At the party, everyone looks great and is having a good time.  Margo manages to get Todd alone and makes out with him, but he realizes it isn’t Liz and finally the pieces come together for him.  But Margo knocks him unconscious and runs to find Liz.  She convinces Liz to meet her in the pool house.  When Liz gets there, Margo corners her with a knife.

But Jessica knows Liz  is in danger when she sees her head outside into the rain.  She struggles to get there in time, and then throws herself in front of Margo so she can’t hurt Elizabeth.  There’s a struggle, and then Josh comes in after tussling with Steven (who has rushed to the party because why not) and pushes Margo through a window.  Margo falls to a bloody death.  The twins are saved–and finally reunited.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Josh is staying at the Dunes Motel
  • When Margo applied for the catering job, she apparently used the name Margaret Wake. Weird.
  • Lila has a signature flavor of ice cream at Casey’s: Million Dollar Mocha.
  • Despite the fact that the Beckwiths no longer live on Calico Drive because Annie Whitman moved into their house, Alice tells the kids she left their hotel information with them.  JESUS GET THE FACTS STRAIGHT.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “Margo was demonic, but her madness had a method to it.” (31) [Blogger’s note: THIS IS NEWS TO ME]
  • “Was murderous violence Margo’s answer to everything? Was no crime too heinous?” (67)
  • “‘Having somebody murdered really puts a damper on things,’ Lila observed.” (215)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

What is there to say that hasn’t already been said?  The book is bonkers and BEYOND the realms of even the slightest possibilities.  I think the thing that bothers me most about this one is how dumb everyone is for so long.  The biggest problem here is that there are multiple times where someone mentions an outing or conversation to Jessica or Elizabeth that they have no recollection of, and yet somehow choose to conveniently ignore it.  If someone was like, “It was fun trying on dresses at the mall with you the other day,” and I had no memory of the event, I would be LEGITIMATELY WORRIED.

Whatever, at least this mini-series is over.