Tag Archives: joey mason

SVH #125: Camp Killer

14 Aug

camp killer

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

I’m back! And this book is just as boring as when I abandoned it MONTHS ago.  Without further ado:

Camp is winding down, but Liz decides it’s the perfect time to be super spooked out by the camp’s urban legend.  The legend goes that a long time ago, a counselor fell in love with a woodcutter (lolwut), but they were forbidden to see each other by the camp owner.  The girl ran away into the woods to be with her lumberjack, but she was never seen again.  The legend says that you can still hear the sound of wood being chopped every once in a while.  Liz actually based her super-special play on this legend, but now she’s totally creeped out and has a psychic-like feeling that Something Bad will happen.

At a bonfire one night, Joey tells the story of the camp legend but adds on a bunch of stuff about an ax murderer named Crazy Freddy that scares all the super annoying campers.  Liz makes out with Joey, Nicole is super jealous and plots a bunch of dumb stuff, and Liz worries about Jessica’s safety when she stays out super late to make out with Paul.  The two have to borrow one of Paul’s neighbor’s horses and that lands Paul in trouble with his parents, throwing a wrench in their plans to see as much of each other as possible.

A camp color war is one of the final camp events, and Liz and Nicole are pitted against each other as opposing team captains.  Nicole is still obsessed with Joey, who has the personality of cardboard toast, but she still works hard to mess things up for Liz.  She writes Todd a letter, including a picture of Liz and Joey kissing, but Maria won’t let her send it.  Nicole also sneaks out into the woods and makes woodcutting noises to freak Liz out, because she is actually insane, but whatever.  Maria begs Nicole to take it down a notch.

On the day of the color war, Jessica flakes so she can go see Paul, forcing Liz to cover all of Jessica’s activities as well as her own.  Jessica and Paul decide that pretending to be Crazy Freddy and scare everyone at camp is a really great idea and will in no way go badly or even further draw attention to the fact that she isn’t performing the basic duties of the job she was hired to do.  This doesn’t even matter, because an actual ax murderer shows up and drags Jessica off.  Tanya the camper sees this happen and tries to stop it, but the crazy guy just grabs her too and brings the two girls to a remote cabin in the woods.

When the campers start to notice that one of their own is missing, Joey runs off into the woods to rescue her.  The counselors pair off and start searching the woods.  Nicole and Liz pair up and have to work together.  They run into Paul, who tells them that Jessica is also missing.  There is a super convoluted plan where the girls will act as bait while Paul rescues Joey (now also captured?), Jessica, and Tanya.  Liz almost dies but doesn’t, and everyone gets away after a scuffle.  I literally don’t care and would gnaw my arm off if it would speed up the conclusion of this inane story.  Nicole gives Joey and Liz her blessing after a change of heart.  That’s…great?

The B-Plot involves Lila and Bo getting lost in the woods and spending a night sleeping on a dirt road.  They meet a crop duster pilot the next morning who wants to give them a lift back to camp but his boss says no.  After grumbling about how he’s so close to starting his own crop dusting business, Lila and Bo (both super rich, remember?) decide to invest in his company and he gets them back to camp.  No one knew they were missing, which sort of drives home the pointlessness of this entire book.

 

 

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Bo performed in his high school’s production of South Pacific.
  • The color teams for the color war are blue and red.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “‘We’re talking about a thousand dollars, kids.  Do you have any idea how much money that is?’  The insult stung, and Lila’s temper flared. ‘Of all the nerve!’ she said, raging. ‘I’ll have you know that I’ve got a dress back at camp that cost nearly twice that.” (185)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis: 

Why did the series feel the need to unleash another homicidal maniac?  Why would they bring in that story this far into this mini-series and have it not make any sense?  Why does everyone continue to act like total idiots, despite the ever-increasing experience they have with kidnappings, attempted murders, hostage situations and the like?  Why is everyone the worst?

I don’t really have the energy to dissect this one further.  I keep hoping one of these will be interesting, but the further we get into the series, the worse it gets.  And it was a low bar to clear to begin with.  Good grief.

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SVH #124: Meet Me at Midnight

25 Mar

meet me midnight

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks?

Summary/Overview:

Picking up right where we left off, Todd greets Elizabeth with a huge hug, completely oblivious to the fact that she looks guilty as hell and is still holding Joey’s hand.  He’s planning on staying with Winston because it’s been a whole week and he can’t live without Elizabeth.  He doesn’t notice the fact that Liz is not into this at all.  Joey tells Liz that it’s clear she’s not in love with Todd and tells her to cut him loose.  Liz agrees but backs out when it comes time to do so, telling herself she’ll just keep her summer fling a secret.  This will end well.  But Nicole tells Liz that she’ll tell Todd and blackmails her into breaking up with Joey so she can date him.

Meanwhile, Jessica nabs the lead in the camp play (shouldn’t this be for the, um, campers?).  She’s stoked about this until she gets a letter from Paul, who tells her he doesn’t want to see her again.  He calls her a dumb blonde and Jessica is pissed but sees it as a challenge, especially after she finds out that he had his heart broken by another counselor the year before and has sworn off those cheating, flighty camp counselors for his entire life.  THEY ARE ALL ALIKE.  Jessica calls him out and he tells her he’ll date her just to prove he isn’t afraid of women.  What a catch.

Apparently Jessica thinks he is the cat’s pajamas because she does stupid stuff like stealing the camp owner’s car to sneak into town to see Paul.  Of course she gets caught returning it and can’t risk sneaking off again, so she sends him a letter telling him to meet her later.  Do these people not have access to phones?  She ends up going into town to meet Joey on the day of the play and misses her own performance. Liz steps in for her and crushes it.  Joey comes up to Liz after and kisses her, telling her he knew it was her all along.  So that’s back on.

In other news, Winston is moping over the letters his girlfriend Maria (not to be confused with Maria SLATER) who is gushing over her experiences at her grandmother’s ranch and the fieldhand she’s met there.  Winston is sure she’s cheating on him with this rando cowboy, so Todd and Aaron get him gussied up as a cowboy so he can learn to ride horses or whatever and impress her when he sees her.  But he also starts dealing with a 15-year-old camper named Lara who “looks old for her age” and is totally hot to trot with Winston.  They make out a lot because whatever happens in Montana stays in Montana.  Then Winston gets a letter from Maria that includes a picture of the field hand and he’s an old dude who she is definitely not into.

I AM SO BORED.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • Lila is still dating that dude but I don’t care.
  • Lara wears a burnt-orange baby doll dress to seduce Winston and that is the single best moment in the entire book.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “She was attracted to someone else. She had to break up with Todd.  Just the thought made her feel like the most disloyal girlfriend on earth.” (54)
  • “As Winston smoothed the lotion on her delicate skin, he bit his lip.  It was hard to remember that Lara was just a camper.” (104)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis: 

I cannot believe there’s still another book in this mini-series.  I know I’ve hated books before in the series, but something about this story is just slowly killing me with it’s complete banality.  Like, who the fuck cares about any of this?  I sure as hell don’t.  I don’t even get the sense that the characters in the book do.  The fact that they felt the need to stretch this paper-thin story across three books is boggling to the mind.

Two things bothered me about this book, though: Elizabeth’s weird mental gymnastics around her own cheating and Paul’s obvious misogyny.  It’s weird that the book frame’s Elizabeth’s guilt over having feelings for someone else as this terrible thing, because it is perfectly natural and happens all the time (in real life and in these books).  This is not the first time she’s cheated on Todd.  It’s like the 500th time, so I’m not sure why we’re supposed to be so scandalized by it.

But also, Paul’s whole “all women are alike/I’m not afraid of them” bullshit is tired, gross, and worrisome.  Are we supposed to be into the idea that Jessica has the tenacity and wherewithal to break him down into liking her?  Girl, throw that fish back.  There are plenty more out there!

SVH #123: Elizabeth’s Rival

11 Mar

elixabethsrival

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

It’s summer vacation in Sweet Valley YET AGAIN, and Jessica and Elizabeth, along with Lila for some reason, are about to head off to Montana for a month long gig as junior counselors at a performing arts camp.  Liz is excited because one of her best friends from middle school, Maria Slater, is moving back to Sweet Valley and MIRACULOUSLY also joining the fun as a JC at the camp in Montana.  Jessica’s excited because she’s sure it’s her chance to finally become famous after being discovered.  She also makes a vow that it’s a summer with no boys, because she’s back to being sad about the death of Christian.  Lila hopes to only meet dudes, so the girls are at odds off the bat.

Things move along at a nice clip.  Within minutes of arriving, Liz has met Joey Mason, a super cute counselor who leads the acting workshops.  She’s attracted to him immediately.  Jessica starts to tire of Lila’s constant whining and wonders if she’ll manage to last the month listening to her complain.  When Maria shows up, Liz is overjoyed and then horrified when she realizes that Maria’s new best friend, Nicole Banes, is a total snot whom Elizabeth hates immediately.

Although Liz thinks that there must be something redeeming about Nicole since she’s Maria’s best friend, she plays like a total parody of a villain. She hides her own diary under Liz’s mattress and then accuses her of stealing it, then she steals the disk Liz has saved her script for the camp play on and passes it off as her own.  It seems that no one believes Liz, and it’s also clear that Joey is totally favoring Nicole over Liz.  It isn’t until Jessica accidentally sees evidence of Nicole taunting Liz about the play on camera (one of her campers is a little filmmaker) that she realizes what’s going on.  She shows it to the whole camp and Liz not only wins back Maria’s friendship but also the affection of Joey, who is now totally into Liz.  She tells him that she and Todd are in an open relationship, which backfires when Todd shows up at the camp.

Meanwhile, Lila falls for a guy named Bo, who comes off as a brave adventurer.  Lila tries to pretend she’s one, too, but is confused by how cowardly Bo actually seems to be.  Finally he comes clean to her: he’s actually the son of a millionaire.  They have tons in common! They kiss!

Jessica reluctantly falls for Paul, the older brother of one of her campers.  I AM SO BORED AND THERE ARE TWO MORE BOOKS IN THIS MINI-SERIES.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

  • According to this book, Robbie Goodman moved away to attend art school.  Did we know this? I literally can’t remember.
  • Jessica’s in charge of the dance classes, Liz is put on sailing duty, and Lila’s got arts and crafts covered.
  • Lila wears a periwinkle blue raw-silk romper with pearl buttons for her first day as a counselor, because of course she does.

Memorable Quotes:

  • “Now that we’re both wet, come here and give me a hug!” The girls hugged for a long time, rocking side to side. (39)
  • Do I look like the kind of girl who would cheat on her boyfriend? she asked her reflection. No, she answered herself. (56) [Are you fucking kidding me?]

A (Totally Unqualified) Analysis:

I don’t know, haven’t we already done the camp thing to death already?  Lila and Jessica were counselors at Lila’s uncle’s resort that one time, and all of these people worked as JCs with overly-precocious kids in the far-superior Todd’s Story.  So yeah, I’m totally over the camp counselor thing they have going on.

What’s also distressing is that there isn’t even enough story here to sustain the 200-page book, let alone 2 more books.  It just doesn’t make any sense, and it isn’t fun.  UGH.

Also, what’s up with Nicole?  Why is she so terrible?  Why doesn’t she have any actual motivations?  How is it so completely out of the realm of possibility that anyone could hate Liz for an actual, legitimate reason?  I hate Liz and I like to think my reasons are wholly rational and air-tight.