SVH #58: Brokenhearted

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Todd Wilkins is moving back to Sweet Valley after an unspecified amount of time living in Burlington, Vermont.  Liz is distraught about this news, because she heard it from other people and not from Todd himself. She also worries about what it will mean for her and Jeffrey.  Jeffrey is also worried about this.

When Todd gets back into town, he’s a little different.  His dad is now president of his company, and they’re moving into a huge mansion in Lila’s neighborhood.  Todd visits with Elizabeth and makes it pretty clear he wants to start seeing her again, even though she’s dating someone else.  Elizabeth is confused.

Winston throws Todd a welcome back party, and everyone attends.  The girls  meet Courtney Kane, who clearly has it bad for Todd.  Jessica gets Todd to take her to a party at his school.  She meets a boy named Sheffield Eastman (seriously).  Liz is still confused about her feelings for both Jeffrey and Todd, despite the fact that Jeffrey takes her on a romantic date and couldn’t be more supportive of the bullshit she’s putting him through.

Todd and Courtney co-host a party, for whatever reason.  Courtney has set things up so that Todd thinks Elizabeth and Jeffrey are stronger than ever.  Liz seems to be awfully heartbroken about the fact that Todd has a date to his party, and Jeffrey picks up on this, because Jeffrey is not an idiot.  He realizes that Liz wants to be with Todd.  This is reinforced when he sees Courtney slip a piece of paper into Liz’s jacket and sneaks away.  He can tell she’s plotting something.

And she is: she sets it up so Liz accidentally sees the two of them kissing.  Liz runs away crying.  Jeffrey tells Todd what happened, and Todd rushes off to Secca Lake to meet Liz.  They get back together.

Poor Jeffrey.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Elizabeth punched him playfully on the arm. ‘I didn’t wear silk to eat pepperoni!’” (43)
• “Elizabeth giggled, but Lila was not amused. ‘Oh, Jessica,’ she said, ‘don’t be so gauche!  I’m sure if you had the chance to spend more time with Courtney, you’d like her as much as I do.’” (71)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Todd no longer attends SVH.  He now goes to Lovett Academy.
• The company Todd’s dad works for is called Varitronics.
• Todd drives a BMW now instead of a rusty brown Datsun.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I guess my biggest problem with this book is the fact that Liz’s actions are totally irrational.  I understand that seeing an old boyfriend can stir up feelings long repressed, but it doesn’t make sense that her immediate reaction would be, “Will I choose Todd or Jeffrey?”  It’s incredibly egotistical to think that she’ll even have that choice.

Also, poor Jeffrey. He might be totally boring, but he doesn’t deserve this kind of crap.  The whole concept that he has to wait while Liz makes up her mind about who she wants to be with is totally shitty.  I don’t even begin to understand how this is like, a legitimate course of action.  It makes me mad, and then I get even madder because I’m mad about a Sweet Valley High book.

Tags: jeffrey french, love triangle, someone else is a sociopath, someone throws a party, todd wilkins, you can't understand my pain

SVH Super Thriller #4: Deadly Summer

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks?

Summary/Overview:
We’re back on summer vacation, and the twins are still working for the Sweet Valley News.  There’s a brief, disappointing recap of the previous three books in the thriller series, and the twins reflect on what a summer it’s been.  There’s some talk about going back to school, and my mind breaks trying to figure out if they’re going back for junior year part deux or senior year.

Jessica and Lila have been playing around with a Oujia board.  Liz thinks it’s dumb, and she tells them so.  After insulting her twin and Lila, the girls decide to play a trick on Liz using the Oujia board.  Jessica snoops in her stuff to find some private stuff from Jeffrey and they get Liz to use the board with them. Liz is unnerved, but Lila and Jessica then get the board to tell her that Bruce Patman is dying from a mysterious disease.  Liz buys it and starts spending all her time with him. Bruce goes along with it, hoping to hook up with her.  Lila is pleased, thinking it will piss Jeffrey off and give her an in with him.

MEANWHILE, Liz has started receiving weird phone calls that coincide with the escape of a patient from a nearby insane asylum.  This guy, named Donald Redman, kidnapped a cheerleader in his youth (her name was Melanie) and went crazy when she got her jock friends to bully him.  He thinks Liz looks like Melanie and has begun stalking him.  His sister happens to be a lady that Elizabeth babysits for.  I am trying to care.  Redman calls in bomb threats and generally causes panic in Sweet Valley.

The night of  the “Be True to Your School” night, the Droids play and Liz and Jeffrey fight about Bruce.  The next day, Bruce calls Liz threatening suicide and she runs off to meet him.  When Jeffrey finds them embracing at the tennis courts, he goes ape shit.  Bruce smirks and Liz realizes that it’s all been an elaborate ruse and runs into the nearby tunnels to hide.

You know what’s coming, right?  She runs into Redman who holds her hostage, manages to capture Jeffrey and Bruce, too, and threatens to blow them up.  Bruce takes away his bomb and Redman follows him.  The bomb goes off, and Liz and Jeffrey think Bruce is dead.  He’s not.  He saved the day, kind of.  Everyone goes to the Dairi Burger.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Lila got the Oujia board on a trip to London, where it is “all the rage.”
• The Droids play a song called “A-Plus.”  Gross.
• Elsa, the sister of Donald Redman, claims he has a persecution complex, which is, believe it or not, an actual complex
• Tropic Flame is the name of the nail polish Lila wears
• Redman uses Dynamite to make his bombs.  Why not C-4?

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘Can you die of leprosy?’ Lila asked with a malicious giggle. ‘I mean, if he’s got to go, he might as well have something really interesting.’” (61)
• “It wasn’t something they could talk about, and Elizabeth knew they would never be able to describe what had really happened to them, deep inside.  The horrific experience had left an indelible mark on their souls.” (198)

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I guess I just don’t understand why this book exists.  It’s not interesting in any way, shape or form.  The Oujia board plays way too prominent a role in a book that is way too short on plot.  Redman doesn’t come into play until well into the story, and by then it’s hard to care about what’s happening.

Also, Elizabeth is a first-class BITCH in this book.  She insults Jessica and Lila at the beginning of the story and continues to look down at them as they play around with the Oujia board.  Meanwhile, she falls hook, line, and sinker for Bruce’s fake illness and rationalizes away her weird, clingy behavior as doing him a favor in his last days.  If anyone has a complex here, it’s her.

Next up?  Liz decides between Jeffrey and Todd, who’s moving back into town.

Tags: bruce patman, doppelganger, mysterious medical conditions, news, some sort of tragic accident, someone else is a sociopath, summer vacation, super thriller, teens in peril!, you can't understand my pain

SVH #57: Teacher Crush

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:
Because the kids at Sweet Valley High don’t have enough random classes or extracurricular activities, the school is hosting two week long mini-courses.  All the students are super excited about these classes.  Liz, Enid, and Olivia Davidson end up in the painting course.  Olivia talks a lot about how lonely she is since she broke up with Roger, and Liz reflects rather smugly on how lucky she is to have a kick-ass boyfriend like Jeffrey (OH FORESHADOWING).

It doesn’t take long for Olivia to form a huge, obsessive stalker-crush on the painting class’s teacher, Stuart Bachman.  Her crush reaches insane levels very quickly: she finds out where he lives, cuts a picture of him out of a magazine, obsesses over whether or not every compliment he pays her about her art is an indication that he’s into her, too.  Enid notices Olivia’s weird behavior right away, but Elizabeth brushes it off for a really long time until Olivia misses a newspaper deadline.  The two worry about Olivia’s judgment and sanity.

Olivia continues to pursue Stuart, who seems blind to the fact that she’s so into him.  He invites her to come to his art show, and she’s sure this is the SIGN that she’s been waiting for.  She confides in Liz and Enid that she’s positive he’s going to do something romantic for her birthday.  Liz and Enid have been helping Olivia’s parents plan a surprise party, and they are skeptical that Stuart has anything on the agenda.  Their doubts are confirmed when Olivia goes to the art show and meets Stuart’s girlfriend Monica.  Olivia is crushed but gets over it when she realizes that Stuart is displaying some of Olivia’s artwork.  Everyone goes to her surprise party.  It is a success.  All is well.

The B-Plot involves Jessica and her mini-course of doom: electronics.  She chose the class thinking it would be full of cute boys, but it was full of nerds.  She and Randy Mason end up making a lie detector because she’s sick of Lila talking about her dad’s new soap-star girlfriend.  The lie detector is a huge success.

Memorable Quotes:

• “So Far Olivia hadn’t told anyone how she felt about Stuart.  She knew it wasn’t a good idea.  After all, he was her instructor, and he was older–though not all that much older, she assured herself.  After all, her birthday was coming up–it was a week from tomorrow.” (49)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Lila’s dad’s new girlfriend is named Anika Hunt.
• Lila takes a sewing class for her mini-course.
• Olivia’s grandmother was a “serious” oil painter–whatever that means.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I mean, what is there to say about this one?  If I had majored in psych in undergrad, I could probably expound on the fact that Olivia’s crush on Stuart is indicative of daddy issues.  What’s more alarming to me is how totally creepy she is about her crush.  Driving by his apartment?  Cutting out pictures of his face?  Isn’t this the sort of thing a girl does when she’s much younger?  Okay, not the driving by his apartment part, because my friends and I totally did that in high school, but the rest of the stuff is totally bizarre.

And no matter how innocent Stuart thought Olivia was, I’m still unsettled that he’d invite her into his apartment when she showed up unannounced.  It’s not smart teaching–or living, for that matter.  A teacher should NEVER invite a student into their home.  Ever.

Next up: Todd Wilkins is moving back to Sweet Valley–and now he’s rich!

Tags: daddy issues, jeffrey french, olivia davidson, ridiculous rationalizations, some sort of arbitrary contest, someone overreacts, someone throws a party

SVH #56: Lost at Sea

Estimated Elapsed Time: One week?

Summary/Overview:

Mr. Russo is taking some students on a field trip to Anacapa Island as part of an extra credit assignment.  Over the course of the Sunday afternoon, students study the plant and wildlife on the island.  It must be super-extra credit, because last I remember, Mr. Russo taught chemistry, not biology.  Anyway, the kids all pile onto a boat and sail out to the island.  Once they’re there, they get split into teams and start studying tide pools.  Jessica’s pissed because she gets put into a group with Lois Waller, Winston Egbert, and Randy Mason.  She wanted to work with Ken Matthews because apparently she’s interested in him again.

A storm suddenly appears, so they cut the field trip short.  On the way back, though, the waves are so big that the boat almost capsizes.  The captain orders an evacuation into the life rafts, and Jessica and Winston get placed in one together.  When Winston tries to give Liz and Aaron an extra oar, their raft capsizes for real and they’re washed away from the group.  The storm ends and the rest of the group is saved, but Jessica and Winston are nowhere to be found.  Liz cries a lot.

Jessica and Winston both wash up on an island some time later.  Jessica sleeps through the night on the beach and then wakes up furious, blaming Winston for their predicament.  He manages to temper some of her fury by offering her a breakfast of freshly caught fish and fruit.  The two of them eat and then start building a shelter on the island.  Later, the two of them explore further up the island, where they run into a bear.  TERROR!  Winston freezes up, and Jessica saves the day by throwing blueberries at it.  This actually happens.

Meanwhile, Liz and Steven can’t just sit at home while the coast guard looks for Jessica and Winston.  They ask Nicholas Morrow to take them out in his boat.  They don’t get very far before it starts to rain again, though, so they head home.  Alice gets upset because she thought she was going to lose her other two children to the sea as well.  Much melodrama ensues.

Jessica and Winston wait out the second storm in their shelter.  Then they are rescued by the coast guard in the most anticlimactic way possible.  When they arrive home, Jessica is interviewed by reporters.  She takes credit for all of Winston’s ideas and basks in the spotlight.  The world makes sense again!

Memorable Quotes:

• “But talk about romantic!  She and Ken Matthews, soaking wet and clinging to each other in a tiny lifeboat in the middle of a raging sea…” (34)
• “There’s no such thing as an uncharted isle, no matter what they say.” (112)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Jessica and Ken went to Homecoming together their sophomore year.
• The name of the boat the field trip group rides on is Maverick.  The name of Nicholas Morrow’s boat is Nighthawk.  I wish I were joking.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

We’re talking about a book where Jessica and Winston go on a field trip only to get stranded on a deserted island.  They build shelter and cook fish and Jessica entertains ideas of wearing a palm frond skirt.  The entire plot of the book is far-fetched at best, but I couldn’t help but get tripped up on one detail: the weird response of the Wakefield family in general.

Elizabeth is understandably distraught at the idea of losing Jessica in the middle of the ocean.  It’s fair to say that the entire family is pretty upset, actually, but what’s weird is how their actions don’t seem to match up to their emotions.  The night Jessica goes missing, Alice has Jeffrey, Steven, Cara, and Liz sitting in her kitchen, waiting for word from the coast guard.  She serves them coffee and lemon bars.  It just feels…oddly formal.  Then she allows Steven and Liz to go off and search for Jessica in Nicholas Morrow’s boat.  This doesn’t really make sense, either.

Of course, one could make the argument that you shouldn’t judge another’s actions until you’ve been in their situation, but since I don’t foresee that happening, we’re going to have to assume that sending your remaining children to school the day after their sister is lost at sea is a little strange.

Tags: bear attack, bizarre representation of foreign destination, elizabeth clutches her pearls, horrific parenting, jessica lies to compensate for something, shipwreck, teens in peril!, winston egbert

SVH #55: Perfect Shot

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Shelley Novak is Sweet Valley’s star basketball player.  She’s great at basketball but sucks at interacting with the opposite sex.  SVH is in the playoffs, and there’s a big Varsity Club dance coming up.  Shelley angsts about not having a date and no boy wanting to take her because she’s so tall.  I guess sometimes people call her the “Towering Inferno,” which she finds really offensive.  As far as nicknames go…I think it’s kind of clever.  Shelley would really like to go to the dance with her neighbor Greg Hilliard, whom she’s had a crush on forever, but he seems to only see her as a friend.  This is confirmed when she works up the courage to ask him to the dance and he seems completely flummoxed.  She’s mortified.

Shelley plays a bunch of basketball games.  She plays pretty well, and then she plays terribly, and then she plays well again.  It all seems to depend on how she’s feeling about the boys in her life.  At one of the games, Jim Roberts snaps a great picture of her, but Shelley freaks out because she doesn’t like to have her picture taken.  She makes him promise not to show it to anyone.

Shelley and Jim start to hang out and realize that they actually like each other.  There’s a photo competition happening at school, and Jeffrey encourages Jim to enter with a picture of Shelley.  Jim is reluctant because of his promise to her.  When he does enter the contest, Olivia sees the photo and tells Shelley how great she looks.  Shelley FREAKS OUT and breaks up with Jim.  When her friend calls her on her ridiculous behavior, Shelley calls Jim to apologize, and he tells her he had the photo removed.  Imagine his surprise when he wins the contest.  Shelley told Mr. Collins to enter the photo.  Jim and Shelley still aren’t talking, though, so at halftime at the big game, Shelley writes him a note asking him to the dance.  SVH wins the game, and Shelley wins Jim’s heart.

The B-Plot involves dance lessons being held at Sweet Valley High.  Jessica, Lila, and Amy all sign up.  Amy and Jessica both end up crushing on the dance instructor, a young man named Patrick McLean.  Both girls fight over him and try to seduce him but don’t make much headway (this is because the man is clearly a homosexual).  Eventually they make a bet about who will get the first dance with him at the Varsity Dance.  Both girls show up in the same exact dress and are further humiliated when Patrick shows up with a beautiful woman on his arm.

Memorable Quotes:

• “I wouldn’t mind winning a video camera.  I can think of someone I wouldn’t mind taking movies of!” He winked at Elizabeth. (3) [Blogger's note: In a post-celebrity sex-tape world, as well as a world where underage sexting is a  a crime, a comment like this takes on a whole new meaning.]
• “All those movie stars in the thirties knew how to waltz.  You can’t fall in love and go on big luxurious cruises and be totally romantic unless you know how to waltz.” (8)
• “Maybe after Patrick and I get engaged, we can tour all over, doing the tango and the cha-cha, and our picture will be plastered all over the place.” (124)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Patrick McLean has a diamond stud in his ear.
• Shelley’s visit to Mr. Collins’s house is rationalized by the fact that she’s babysat for him before.
• Amy and Jessica’s dress is described as being a pale lilac while Shelley’s dress is a silvery gray.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

What is it with these stories about female athletes who lack confidence in themselves?  I suppose that in some ways, this one is worse than the story with Kristin Thompson because Shelley requires the attention of a male in order to validate herself.  It’s only after she sees herself through the lens (pun intended) of Jim’s affection that she decides she might just be pretty after all.  What kind of message is that to send to girls?  You’re not important or pretty if you don’t have the attention and desire of a boy?

Part of me feels that at this point in the series, the book packagers were playing with the trends that were starting to appear in popular culture.  Females can be strong athletes.  Girls can do anything that boys can do.  In all honesty, I think these story lines are supposed to reflect the prevailing trends of society at the time, but in true Sweet Valley fashion, they get it all wrong.

Up next: Jessica and Winston get shipwrecked in the most implausible story line yet.

Tags: amy sutton, another dance, jim roberts, ridiculous transformations, shelley novak, some sort of arbitrary contest, someone overreacts, the big game, unrealistic standards of beauty

SVH #54: Two-Boy Weekend

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

A.J. Morgan’s grandparents are having a 50th anniversary celebration, so his family is flying down on Wednesday night and coming back Sunday afternoon.  Jessica is despondent at the idea of an entire weekend without A.J., and she essentially mopes and sulks about it before he leaves.  The only thing that keeps her from falling apart completely is  that he’s won a Samaritan essay contest that allows him to be the King of the Citizen’s Ball, making Jessica the de facto Queen.  Once he’s gone, she does some more moping.  Apparently she can’t do anything without A.J., which means missing Ken Matthews’s party.

At the beach on Friday, Jessica complains some more about how depressed she is.  Her friends are fed up with her oh-woe-is-me attitude and go to the Dairi Burger.  Jessica stays at the beach by herself, where she meets surfer cutie Christopher, who promptly asks her out.  Even though Jessica feels guilt over seeing another boy while A.J. is away, it doesn’t stop her from going out with him.

The two have a romantic dinner that night and then spend the entire next day together at the aquarium/planetarium.  They have a lovely time.  On Sunday morning, she meets Christopher at the beach and tells him she can’t see him anymore because she has a boyfriend.  Christopher is understanding, and Jessica thinks she’s dodged a bullet.

But she hasn’t.  When she meets up with A.J., she’s a total freak, acting spacey and cagey and totally guilty.  When Christopher starts calling her, begging to be friends, she doesn’t know what to do.  She pleads with him to stop, but he won’t give up.   He continues to call and stalk her.  When he shows up to look at the car that A.J. has for sale, he pretends not to know Jessica.  A.J. has to take a call right when Christopher wants to take a test drive, so Jessica is forced to go along.  Christopher drives recklessly and aims right at the side of a building until Jessica agrees to go out with him again.

Even after confiding in Elizabeth about what’s been happening, Jessica refuses to tell A.J. because she wants to be the queen of the Citizen’s Day Ball.  Elizabeth thinks this is a mistake, but doesn’t say anything.  The night of the ball, Jessica calls Christopher and pretends she’s sick.  He seems to buy it, so she goes off to the dance.  Of course, Christopher shows up, mistakes Elizabeth for Jessica, and kidnaps her.  He stuffs her into the trunk of his car and takes off.

Jessica feels like something is wrong and gets Jeffrey to help her look for them.  She runs in front of Christopher’s car.  He seems to think that she managed to get out of the trunk (I don’t get this part either) and stops the car.  Jeffrey fights with him while Jess unties Elizabeth.  They are saved!

Back at the ball, A.J. finishes reading his essay.  Jessica confesses to him that she isn’t ready to date just one boy, and the two break up.  A.J. still wants her to be his queen, though, and the two share a dance.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Jessica felt like a heroine in a tragic, dramatic love story.  She lifted her chin and turned away.  It was all over.” (47)
• “Both girls had telephones in their rooms because they got so many calls.” (72)
• “Flirtatious boys exasperated her.” (91)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• A.J. is selling his car for $500.
• Elizabeth’s little sister is named Kim Novak.  Isn’t…isn’t that the name of a famous actress?
• When Elizabeth takes Kim to the bookstore, she recommends Johnny Tremain.  It’s official: Elizabeth Wakefield is the WORST.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Isn’t there an unspoken code in Sweet Valley regarding cheating?  Like, if your significant other isn’t in the same zip code as you, all’s fair?  Hasn’t that been how it’s worked in virtually every other book?  When the twins go on vacation, they cheat on their beaus.  When their boyfriends are away for the summer, they cheat on them.  We have book after book of solid evidence backing this theory up, so you can imagine how confused I was when the ghostwriter tried to play up Jessica’s guilt regarding cheating on A.J. in this book.

I’m sorry, what?

A.J. is gone for four days.  In those four days, Jessica meets a new boy, goes on several dates with him, and ends up being pretty infatuated with him, at least until he lets his freak flag fly.  This isn’t so surprising, really, given her past behavior, but what is strange is how guilty the ghostwriter makes her feel, as if this is new for Jessica.  Talk about serious character decay.

Also, can we talk for a second about how totally bland Christopher is, as far as psychopaths go?  He has no personality, and the best he can do is pull a knife on Liz and stuff her in the trunk of his convertible?  Really?  Not your best work, Sweet Valley.

Tags: a.j. morgan, another dance, cheating cheaters, fight!, jessica lies to compensate for something, kidnapping!, lying liars, mistaken identity, psychopath on the loose, ridiculous rationalizations, some sort of arbitrary contest, someone throws a party, teens in peril!, you can't understand my pain

SVH #53: Second Chance

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Kristin Thompson is a total tennis star.  She has a chance of going pro in the upcoming Avery Cup, but her concentration declines when Bruce Patman asks her out and starts wooing her.  Part of her wants to continue to practice tennis and maintain her grueling schedule, and another part of her wants to experience what it’s like to be a normal teenager.  She feels obligation to continue to work toward the tennis goal, though, because her mother was a tennis star who died tragically in a plane crash when Kristin was a little girl.  Her fear of disappointing her father keeps her relatively complacent.

Kristin tries to juggle her tennis schedule with dating Bruce and being a big sister to a little girl named Emily, who also happens to like tennis.  It starts to have an effect on her game, though, and she plays badly in the first round of the Avery Cup.  She still wins, though, and goes onto the second round, where she wins again, but still isn’t playing her best.  Kristin faces a dilemma: Bruce has invited her to be his date at his parents’ annual blow-0ut party on Saturday, but the last round of the tennis competition is on Sunday.  Kristin decides to go to the party anyway.

At the party, Kristin feels out of place.  She feels under-dressed, and when she goes up to Bruce to be introduced to his parents, Amy Sutton squeezes her way in between them, and Bruce just sort of goes with it.  Kristin has a miserable time at the party and goes home early, but it doesn’t matter, because she loses the match the next day.  She’ll still qualify for the pro team, but only as an alternate.

She cries to her coach about how she feels like a failure, and her coach consoles her.  The coach tells her that her mother was going to give up tennis to be with her family.  Kristin feels better after hearing this.  She goes to school the next day, and Bruce tries to flirt with her.  She shuts him down.  When she picks up Emily after school, Emily cries and tells her that she tried out for tennis camp and didn’t make it and she was scared that Kristin wouldn’t like her anymore.  Kristin tells Emily that she’ll love her no matter what, which is the moment that serves as Kristin’s epiphany about her father and tennis coach.  YOU GUYS.  THEY WILL LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT.

Kristin decides that she still really loves tennis but will play for herself instead of her dead mother or whatever.  Elizabeth and the gang go to see Kristin play in her next match, and she wins, because now her heart’s in it.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Kristin blushed.  She had never heard anyone talk about Bruce before.  Did he have a bad reputation?” (92)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• The ghostwriter uses the word “diaphanous” to describe some of the girls’ dresses at Bruce’s party.  Why, hello, big word.
• SVH students are working on an essay about the American Dream.  I read this and threw up in my mouth.
• Elizabeth and Enid are described as having been friends for years.  I hope that this is the ghostwriter’s sly nod to how long these girls have been in the eleventh grade, because we all know that Enid moved to SVH not that long ago.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

What is there to say, really?  We’ve had several books in a row now that feature characters who exist solely for the purpose of the story being told.  Kristin Thompson wasn’t on our radar before, and she probably won’t be again.  Trying to care about her and her problems is really, really hard.  Also, sports bore me, which makes a book like this doubly terrible.

There is one thing I want to talk about, though.  I didn’t mention it in my recap because I sort of glossed over the entire Bruce Patman situation.  Now seems like a good time to bring it up, though.  Ready?  Okay.

Kristin ends up with a free afternoon before her tennis practice, and she heads over to the courts at SVH.  She sees a group of her peers playing, and they invite her to join.  She goes up against Bruce Patman, and instead of wiping the court with him (or whatever.  Sports metaphors aren’t my thing), she allows him to win, because she thinks that Bruce being beaten by a girl would be humiliating for him.  It’s almost a throwaway line in the book, and yet it really got stuck in my craw.  What kind of message is this supposed to send?  How is this ever okay?

Am I focusing on the wrong details here?  Should I instead focus on the creepy-as-all-hell relationship Kristin has with her father.  More than once, she thinks about the fact that she’s a replacement for her own mother.  There’s nothing inherently incestuous in the story, but the constant comparisons to her mother skeeved me out all the same.

What do you think?

Tags: a tragic past, bruce patman, electra complex, kristin thompson, overly-precocious children, some sort of arbitrary contest, someone throws a party, the big game

SVH #52: White Lies

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

John Pfeifer is upset about the fact that his friend Jennifer Mitchell is dating high-school dropout and all-around douche canoe Rick Andover.  The fact that John is in love with Jennifer comes into play here as well.  Anyway, Elizabeth notices that he’s distracted and moody, and when she presses him, he tells her how worried about Jennifer he is.  He thinks she’s planning to run away to New York City with Rick, and he wants to stop her.  Liz and John follow Rick to Mellow Music one night and see him rob the store.  They call the owner, who calls the police, and Rick is arrested.

Jennifer finds out about Rick’s arrest and is pretty upset.  She refuses to believe that Rick would do anything as pedestrian as robbing a store, and she convinces herself that her father overheard a phone conversation with Rick and framed him for the robbery as a result.  She decides that she hates her father and cries a lot, and when he ends up sick in the hospital, she refuses to go see him.

John is distraught and blames himself for being the reason that Jennifer is so angry with her father.  This plot makes absolutely no sense.  He confides in Elizabeth, who urges him to come clean with Jennifer.  It takes a really long time, but he finally does, and Jennifer FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and pretty much blames him for being the reason her dad needs bypass surgery.  What?  Liz drives her to the hospital, but Jennifer’s dad is already in surgery.  There’s a lot of crying.

Jennifer’s dad comes out of the surgery just fine, but Jennifer is still really pissed at John.  Liz goes back to the hospital and pretends that some flowers and a card are from John.  Jennifer almost throws them out, but then doesn’t.  Liz convinces Jennifer to talk to John.  The two make up, and I think we’re supposed to believe that they start dating.  This part is unclear, as there is absolutely no chemistry between the two characters.

The B-Plot: Jessica and A.J. are having some troubles making their relationship work.  Jessica wants to go to Dana’s party, but A.J. had made plans for them to have dinner at his family’s house.  She wheedles him into agreeing with her at every turn, about the most mundane, stereotypical things.  Liz shakes her head disapprovingly whenever she thinks about how different Jessica and A.J. are, but she keeps her mouth shut about it.  Jessica denies that there’s anything wrong with her relationship with A.J.  Is…is this really a plot?

Memorable Quotes:

• “Pushing herself up off the bed, Jessica sauntered over to the mirror and critically examined her face.  ‘My theory about men is that you have to make them do what you want,’ she explained.” (46)
• “Not having an older sibling to turn to for advice and friendship had to be a lonely way to grow up, she thought, especially for an underprivileged child.” (110)  [Blogger's Note: Man, FUCK YOU, Elizabeth!]

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Elizabeth’s idea of a perfect Friday night in is reading Hemingway’s short stories while drinking a cup of cocoa.  I’m a total bibliphile, and even I want to shake her for that one.
• Rick Andover steals a Fender Stratocaster and a bunch of money from the music store
• The fact that Elizabeth is learning to play the recorder is mentioned in this book, a rare moment of continuity from books 46 and 47

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

What I’m realizing, you guys, is that the books about tertiary characters are not very compelling for me.  I much prefer the books that focus solely on the twins themselves.  That being said, getting through these books about characters like Jennifer are made worse by the fact that we’ll never see these characters again (except for a cameo at the Dairi Burger or something).  This book is particularly awful for two reasons: Jennifer is an incredibly annoying character; and John Pfeifer’s personality will change so drastically from this book to one about 40 books from now that it’s hard to take it seriously.

Throughout much of the book, Jennifer complains about the fact that her parents treat her like a baby.  The problem is, she acts like a total diaper baby.  She snaps at her parents and bursts into tears at the slightest provocation.  She lies and refuses to see reason about Rick, about her father, and about John.  While we’re supposed to believe that her delusions about Rick come from naivete and blind infatuation, so little time or care is given to the storyline that it’s hard to care.  It’s like the ghostwriter didn’t care about it at all.  If the author doesn’t care about a plot point, how can the reader be expected to?

We’ll deal with John later.

Next up: Kristin Thompson is a star tennis player.  We’re supposed to care.

Tags: jessica the sociopath, someone overreacts, someone throws a party, stealing stealers, ridiculous rationalizations, you can't understand my pain, rick andover, jennifer mitchell, someone gets arrested, john pfeifer

SVH #51: Against the Odds

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

Sweet Valley High has a huge soccer game against Big Mesa coming up.  There will be college scouts there, which is a big deal to Jeffrey, who is already thinking about where to go in two years.  Ronnie Edwards, who used to date Enid Rollins, strolls into the Dairi Burger one night throwing around money and generally bragging.  This seems to skeeve pretty much everyone out, because no one wants to talk to him.  Some shady-looking guys ask to see his car in the parking lot and then corner him by the dumpsters and try to mug him.  Jeffrey intervenes and saves Ronnie, who showers him with gratitude.  Jeffrey worries about Ronnie and what he’s gotten himself into.

Ronnie has started placing bets with a bookie, which goes well until it doesn’t.  The bookie’s name is Big Al (seriously?  That’s the best name they could come up with?) and he threatens Ronnie with violence when Ronnie is short on the cash.  He basically tells him that Sweet Valley better win the soccer game against Big Mesa by no more than one point or else.  Ronnie panics and talks to Jeffrey, who’s understandably pissed.

The night of the game, Ronnie gets kidnapped by one of Big Al’s minions.  The minion also takes Elizabeth, who seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The two of them get tied up but Ronnie escapes, knocking the minion unconscious.  The two call the police and race to the game, where Jeffrey is playing badly (I guess because he’s so upset?).  Elizabeth gets the coach to call a time-out and tells Jeffrey to play his best.  Big Al gets arrested while watching the game in the bleachers (what?).  Sweet Valley wins!

The B-Plot involves Jessica deciding to become a jewelry designer.  She has some luck convincing her friends that her earrings are really cute, and then she gets a shop at the mall to agree to carry them.  To meet the demands of the order, though, she borrows her mom’s credit card, and spends something like $900 on supplies.  The shop decides to go another direction, leaving Jessica completely stranded.  Looks like she’ll have to get an actual job.

Memorable Quotes:

• “They looked too old to be high school students, and with their sunglasses, beard stubble, and leather jackets they seemed like the kind of guys it would be better to stay away from.” (9)
• “‘Listen, Ronnie,’ Mr. Russo said, in a firm, angry voice.  ‘I’m going to give you a chance to stand here like a considerate human being and wait ten minutes until the test is over.  If you so much as say one more word or move one inch closer to me, I swear I will suspend you so fast your head will spin?  Understood?’” (83)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Ronnie’s characterization in this book is completely at odds with what we already knew about him.  Even though he was a selfish jerk before, he’s now completely insecure and no one likes him.  It doesn’t make any sense.
• Alice Wakefield authorizes Jessica to spend something like $400 on her credit card, but she spends over $900.  Awesome.
• Jessica is totally wearing one of her earrings on the cover.  I actually think they look cute.
• Big Mesa’s sports teams are called the Bull Dogs.  Did we know this already?

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I’m not going to lie: I don’t know very much about betting or gambling in general, and I know even less about bookies.  Most of what I know is from TV.  Didn’t Saved by the Bell have an episode with a bookie?  I remember that on Felicity, Ben got in trouble with one once.  They’re always dudes, they’re always sort of sketchy, and they always use violence to solve problems.

The character of Big Al is such a stereotype, though, that it’s hard to take him seriously.  I’m not even sure how seriously the teens in the book take him, because when Ronnie and Elizabeth get kidnapped by one of his minions, neither one seems particularly scared.  Once they’ve freed themselves, they seem to recover pretty quickly.  Ronnie gets taken in for questioning at the police station, but Elizabeth doesn’t.  She was a hostage, right?  Why wasn’t she questioned?  Are the ghostwriters really that lazy?

Next up: White Lies.  John Pfeiffer has a secret, but it’s not that he’s a rapist.  Not yet, anyway.

Tags: betting on other's misfortune, jeffrey french, jessica gets a job and quits a job, ronnie edwards, teens in peril!, the big game

SVH Super Thriller #3: No Place to Hide

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks?

Summary/Overview:

You know what, you guys?  I tried to recap this one and couldn’t do it.  The story is so convoluted and terrible that I kept getting tripped up by the intricacies of the plot.  The truth of the matter is that I read this book a long time ago and can barely remember what happened.  I never got around to writing the recap when I finished because I was busy and because I hated this book so much.  I need the twins and their summer internship at the Sweet Valley News to be over.

Basicallly: the twins are still working as interns at the paper.  There’s a big mayoral race coming up, and the two candidates are Kincaid and Robinson.  Kincaid seems to be the shadier of the two.  Nicholas Morrow meets a mysterious girl named Barbara and falls in love with her.  She lives with her controlling uncle, who is named John.  It turns out that he is Kincaid’s brother.  There’s this stupid plot about them being in an artists’ colony back in the day and Kincaid falling in love with the same woman, who chose another man.  Kincaid pushed her over a cliff in a jealous rage and then went into business with his brother John?  When Kincaid decided to run for mayor, John didn’t want him to and devised a ridiculous plot to make him think he was seeing the ghost of the woman he loved (who was the spitting image of Barbara).  There’s some peril, attempted murder, and lots of suspense.  It’s pretty much the worst mystery ever.

Memorable Quotes:

• “He had been a private businessman for years and had made a great deal of money.  His business was described as import/export, but it wasn’t exactly clear what that entailed.” (4) [Blogger's note: Worst info-dump ever?]

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• The Sweet Valley News holds its summer picnic in Ronoma County, which is 40 miles southeast of Sweet Valley

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Nope.  I’ve got nothing.  Sorry for the lamest post ever.  The next one will be better, I swear.

Tags: doppelganger, news, nicholas morrow, summer vacation, super thriller, teens in peril!