SVH #61: Boy Trouble

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Patty Gilbert is super stoked to see her college boyfriend Jim Hollis over the weekend.  Their long-distance relationship is fairly solid, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss him when he’s at Pacific College.  When her mother tells her that her older sister Jana is also coming home for the weekend, Patty is conflicted, because there’s no way to spend enough time with both of them, apparently.  Patty tries to get ahold of Jim before he comes down to ask him to switch weekends, but he doesn’t answer his phone.

When Patty goes to his house and tells him that she also has to spend time with her sister, Jim FREAKS OUT on her and they have a huge fight.  Patty throws a pillow at him and storms out.  When she gets home, she finds that her sister Jana is already there…with her new fiancee.  Patty is shocked that Jana is engaged, and is even more alarmed when all Jana wants to talk about is her wedding, which is apparently happening in two weeks.  The two girls end up having a huge fight and stop speaking to one another.

Patty feels fairly isolated, as she isn’t speaking to Jim or her sister.  When she sees Jim out with another girl, she goes to the deep end of the pool and assumes that he’s either cheating or has moved on.  This is a little fuzzy, because was that really a break up?

There’s a craft fair going on in town, and DeeDee Gordon is selling her painted t-shirts at it.  There’s a stupid subplot where Jessica covers the booth for her and talks to some dude who wants to buy her shirts and sell them at a boutique.  Jessica tries to make her own shirts and they’re a disaster.  She also buys some earrings at the craft show and mentions to Liz that they were made by Jim’s cousin, who was in town from L.A. for the craft fair.   Liz puts it together that Jim was out with his cousin.

When Liz goes to Patty’s house to tell her, she talks to Jana about Patty and Jim’s breakup and is surprised that Jana didn’t know about it.  When Patty gets home, Liz tells Patty what she knows, and Patty writes Jim a letter but doesn’t send it, because what’s the point?  SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THE POINT?  Jana sneakily sends the letter to Jim.

The sisters make up and Jim shows up at the wedding to reconcile with Patty.  Both Jana and her fiance conspired to get Jim to the wedding, and Patty realizes how much they both care about her or whatever.  Everyone is happy.  This book SUCKED.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• The Oracle has a new feature called Personal Profiles
• Pacific College is two hours north of Sweet Valley
• Patty’s mom works at a computer consulting firm.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Although everyone liked Elizabeth, Patty felt she and Elizabeth shared a special bond since the time they had teamed up to help DeeDee regain her self-confidence by putting her in charge of the school talent show” (7).
• “Jim wiggled his eyebrows. ‘Maybe we could kiss for a couple of hours,’ he suggested. ‘Then we could catch our breath and kiss for a couple more.’” (18)

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I’m not sure what there is to say about this one.  The entire plot is so thin and so boring that it’s almost not worth tearing it apart.  I don’t know what the plan was with these books that focus on tertiary characters, but because we never see them again, it’s hard to care at all about their stupid problems.  Also, the entire timeline of this one is so condensed and ridiculous that it hardly matters–everyone is okay with the fact that they’ve never met Jana’s fiancee and barely bat an eye at planning a wedding in less than two weeks.

I don’t know.  I’m so looking forward to the next book, because it’s one of my absolute favorites.

Super Star: Lila’s Story

Estimated Elapsed Time: Something like 6-8 weeks?  SUMMER VACAY, Y’ALL.

Summary/Overview:

Lila’s got her panties in a twist because her dad is seeing a new woman and not spending enough time with her as a result. The woman in question is a beautiful lady named Joan Borden (prove it), and it turns out that she has a daughter named Jacqueline who is about Lila’s age.  Lila’s not thrilled about any of this, and she’s even less thrilled when her father sort of forces her to hang out with Jacqueline.  Lila’s sure that there’s something off about Joan and Jackie, and she decides she has to prove that they’re money-grubbing mooches.

At first, her hunch about Joan and Jackie is just based on speculation, but she starts to notice that for wealthy people, they let George Fowler pick up the check all the time.  Joan is so sweet that it crosses over into fake territory, and Jacqueline’s constant copying of Lila isn’t just cloying and annoying–it’s also creepy.

Things get worse when Joan and George return from a vacation and announce their plans to get married.  Apparently they got a deal on a rush-order wedding, because the nuptials are in three weeks.  When Lila overhears Joan talking about the fact that she’s only marrying George for his money, Lila goes to her father and tries to reason with him.  George won’t hear it, though, because Lila has been complaining about the Bordens since they arrived in her life.

Lila comes up with an elaborate plan to plant microphones in the room and get Joan to admit that she’s only in it for the alimony (someone should explain to Joan that that’s not how it works).  Lila manages to convince George with the recorded confession just in time, since Joan ‘fesses up minutes before the wedding ceremony.  George calls the whole thing off and everyone celebrates Lila.

The B-plot involves Lila’s crush on a guy named Evan.  Evan just happens to be dating a girl named Sonia, but Lila decides he’s a better match for her.  She enlists the help of Bruce Patman, because Sonia used to have a huge crush on him.  The two conspire to break them up, and because they’re awesome, they succeed.  There’s some more plot about car racing and money and favors, but it doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is that Evan has totally been cheating on Lila with Jacqueline.  Whatever, whatever, Lila ends up dating Toby, who won the drag race.  I don’t really get it, but this was all part of the story, I guess.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Lila is 5’7″, which makes her slightly taller than the twins (who come in at–say it together now–5’6″).
• According to Jessica, the sexiest car on Earth is a Lancia. You’re welcome.
• Lila and Jacqueline have to wear peach-colored bridesmaid dresses with “little girl necklines and high waists.”  BARF.

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘Your father’s putting us in the most gorgeous guest suite. Each of us has a bedroom and a bathroom.’” (86) [blogger's note: George and Joan aren't sleeping together?]
• “There was no way Evan would borrow money from her unless he felt as serious about her as she did about him.” (114)

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

This is the first of the Super Star books, which focus on secondary characters in the Sweet Valley world.  If all the Super Star books were like this one, I’d be a happy camper, because Lila is awesome (but I’m preaching to the choir, right?).   Even though she does some pretty shady things in this book, she still can’t hold a candle to Jessica’s constant sociopathic behavior.  And it turns out that Lila’s right about everything regarding the Bordens, so all is forgiven, right?

The only thing worth picking on in this book is how weird it is that we’re supposed to believe that George and Joan aren’t sleeping together before the wedding.  There’s nothing to indicate that the Fowlers nor the Bordens are particularly religious, and yet when Joan and Jacqueline stay over, Jacqueline talks about the fact that she and her mother have been given rooms in the guest wing.

Did this bother anyone else?  Like, why go to the trouble of pretending that sex isn’t happening?  I realize the original audience was fairly young, but there’s a ton of racier stuff in the other books.  Why wouldn’t George and Joan be sleeping together?  Why does this bother me so much?!

At any rate, I guess that helps explain their race down the aisle: they wanted to get it on.  Or whatever.

Sweet Valley Recap: Books #51-60 + Super Thrillers #3 & 4

Another ten-ish books down, Gentle Readers.

This section of books saw: a huge soccer rivalry, the dangers of betting with a bookie, a tennis star with a desire to be a normal girl, Jessica acting like a sociopath, a female basketball player who just wants to be normal, a class trip go seriously awry, a teacher crush, more murderers on the loose, the breakup of Liz and Jeffrey and the subsequent reunion of Todd and Liz, and Ken Matthews, a car accident, and some temporary blindness.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Estimated Time Elapsed: Roughly 30 weeks

Major School Events:

• SVH has a big soccer game against Big Mesa
• SVH starts a chapter of Big Sisters
• Varsity Dance
• Ballroom dance classes at SVH
• Mini-courses offered
• Field trip to Anacapa Island
• Mini-Olympics held for competing schools

Major Wakefield Family Events:

• Jessica starts a jewelry design company
• Elizabeth and Ronnie get kidnapped, escape
• Elizabeth gets kidnapped again
• Jessica is stalked
• Liz and Jeffrey break up
• Liz and Todd get back together

By the Numbers:

• # of guys Jessica dates: 5
• # of guys Elizabeth dates: 3
• # of life-threatening situations: at least 5
• # of dances: 2
• # of parties: 5
• # of deaths: ??

I can’t wait to see what kinds of crazy shenanigans the twins and their friends get up to next!

SVH #60: That Fatal Night

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2-3 months

Summary/Overview:
Terri Adams has been in love with Ken Matthews forever.  This is news to pretty much everyone, because up until this book, I’m not sure that anyone even knew that Terri Adams existed.  But you guys, she’s totally a real person, because she’s friends with Kristin Thompson, Shelley Novak, and John Pfeiffer.  And sometimes Liz says hi to her, which means she’s validated as an actual human being.  Anyway, Terri’s in love with Ken.  This seems to be her only defining characteristic, aside from the fact that she’s the assistant statistician for the Gladiators (is this like an actual thing that high school students do?).  At a party thrown by Amy Sutton, Terri gets the sads when she sees Amy kiss Ken.  Terri decides to go home and asks Winston to drive her, but he and Maria took the bus.  Ken offers to drive all of them just to get away from Amy.

It’s a dark and stormy night, and after Ken drops everyone else off, he promptly gets into a terrible car accident. Todd’s driving Liz and Jessica home, and they see the wreck.  The police say a drunk driver drove him off the road.  So…it wasn’t the rain, then?  Instead of going home, they go back to the party to tell everyone the news.  Amy FREAKS OUT about it, even though she and Ken haven’t been going out long.

At school on Monday, everyone’s talking about Ken’s tragic accident.  Someone makes mention of the fact that it’s Terri’s fault, and she cries a lot.  When Jessica and Liz go visit Ken in the hospital, they’re horrified to learn that he’s been blinded.  Wait…what?  When Amy finds out that Ken is blind, she runs away and tells Jessica not to tell Ken she was there at all.  Ken ends up in rehab for about a month before deciding its time to return to school.  Things don’t go the way he hoped, though.  Apparently being the only blind kid at a seeing school is kind of rough.  Terri seems fairly supportive, though, and the two start hanging out a lot.  Ken struggles with his feelings for her because he doesn’t believe anyone would ever want to date a blind guy.  His solution to this dilemma is to be a total jerk to Terri.

Liz tells Terri to stop doing everything for Ken and to tell him how she feels.  When she tries to, she chickens out.  Ken gets mad when she won’t read him his history homework, and she runs away.  Ken realizes he’s made a mistake and tries to find her by taking the bus to North Haven Beach, where she sits, reflecting on her existence (and the existence of this terrible book).  He admits his feelings for her, and she reciprocates!  They are together at last.  Also, Ken starts to be able to see light, and it isn’t long before his sight is good as new.  It’s a MIRACLE, Y’ALL!

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Ken Drives a white Toyota.
• Terri’s preferred color of lipstick is in the apricot family. UNFLATTERING.
• According to the doctor, Ken had a “closed head injury.”  I’m pretty sure this is a made-up thing.

Memorable Quotes:

• “For an instant Ken thought he was out of danger.  Then he saw a large tree that seemed to be speeding toward him–and everything went black.” (31)
• “‘You can do it, Ken. Remember, attitude is everything.” (81) [Blogger's note: I'm pretty sure this same thing is written at the chalkboard at my gym]

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Oh, jeeze.  Where to start?  The fact that this book seems to confuse the word “fatal” with something else?  NO ONE DIED, SO IT WASN’T A FATAL NIGHT.  Perhaps they meant fateful?  I’m not sure, but the fact that the book is called FATAL sets the audience up for something that NEVER happens.

Or the fact that the book seems to think that blindness can be cured by magical tears and enough hoping and wishing on a unicorn?  It seems that in the Sweet Valley Universe, both deafness and blindness can be cured!  It’s like a real-life (fake) miracle spot.  Or something.

This book blows.  ONTO THE NEXT GREAT ADVENTURE!

SVH #59: In Love Again

Estimated elapsed time: 3-ish weeks.  Talk about playing fast-and-loose with time, Sweet Valley Universe.

Summary/Overview:
Liz and Todd are back together, but things are different now because he goes to the snooty Lovett Academy while Liz is still at Sweet Valley.  She worries that they won’t be able to spend enough time together, and they both blow off their after-school responsibilities like the paper and basketball practice in order to be together.  They go on a couple of dates which are meant to be plot devices to show how different Todd’s life is now.  Elizabeth doesn’t fit in at the Country Club and worries about the fact that Todd now seems to be concerned with “important people.”  There’s also the issue of Courtney Kane, a rich girl who’s still trying to ruin things for the teens at Sweet Valley.

A shoe company called Kidd holds a mini-olympics event for local schools.  Sweet Valley and Lovett Academy are competing against each other.  This means that Todd and Elizabeth are facing off against each other in the same event.  Obviously.  Both of them get mad at the other over various stupid things, and they break up.  That was fast.

At the event, Courtney cheats during the College Bowl event, and Jessica totally sees her do it.  She keeps her mouth shut, though.  Then she sabotages the rope Liz has to climb, and Liz falls.  Todd holds her tenderly, and then they both decide to sit out the rest of the Olympics thing.  Courtney thinks that Lovett should win, and Jessica tells her that if she keeps it up, she’ll tell everyone about what a cheater she is.  Sweet Valley ends up winning the mini-olympics, Todd and Liz get back together, and Todd decides to transfer back to Sweet Valley High.

The B-Plot involves Jessica deciding that she wants to go to Lovett Academy.  She studies for the entrance exams, takes a tour of the school, and flirts with cute boys.  Ultimately, she decides to stick with Sweet Valley.  I am so bored I could die.

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘They’re probably all so glamorous,’ Jessica said, a dreamy expression on her face. ‘Talk to them about yachting, horses, flying the Concorde to Paris.’” (63)
• “Honestly, Courtney thought to herself.  Todd was incredibly cute, but he could be such a bore sometimes!” (127)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• As part of the relay race, Ken Matthews has to balance an egg on a spoon.  That’s athletic prowess right there.
• One of Courtney’s friends drives a blue Alfa Romeo.  I had no idea what this was, and had to Google it.  I don’t know what it is about this series and name-dropping the most random cars ever.
• The questions the Quiz Bowl teams have to answer were the most awful True or False questions ever: Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman: T or F?

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

What, really is there to say about this one?  When I was little, I was totally Team Jeffrey, even if I couldn’t articulate why.  As an adult, I’m still Team Jeffrey, though at the same time, I’m almost glad he’s no longer with Liz.  He deserves better than Liz.  The complete ridiculousness of Liz and Todd’s relationship: the way they break up and get back together in the span of a single book (and almost in every single book) undercuts one of the series’s basic premises: Liz is the twin who is in the solid, committed relationship.  How solid can that relationship be when she’s breaking up with Todd every five minutes?

There’s also the issue of how class is handled in this novel.  Everyone at Lovett is meant to seem very wealthy, privileged, and totally snooty.  Sweet Valley is inherently better because they’re a public school and allow all students to attend.  But there are a bunch of total snobs at Sweet Valley, too.  Why aren’t they at Lovett Academy? Also, isn’t this the second or third Courtney that ends up being a total bitch?

Another Post Where I Talk About How I’m a Bad Blogger

I know, you guys.  I know.  I haven’t updated in forever and a day.  I just wanted to let you know that this semester has absolutely crushed me, and I plan on updating again soon.  Like, really soon.  I’m embarrassed about how long it’s been.

In the meantime, have you guys seen the covers for the Sweet Valley Confidential ebooks?  They’re up on the Sweet Valley Facebook page.  Snark Valley has a great rundown on the books and what readers can expect.

So from what I understand, the series will be produced as 6 ebooks, released every two weeks, starting in June.  A compilation of all the stories will be released in October.  At least, that’s my guess.

It’s kind of genius, really: release the book in what is essentially chapters for $1.99 each every two weeks, and then release a hardcover version a few months later.  More than one reader (read: me) will end up purchasing the damn thing twice.

What do you think?  Have you had enough of the bastardized version of Sweet Valley Confidential already, or are you game for more?  I’m not sure I’m game, but morbid curiosity is going to dictate my purchasing decisions.

(A real recap soon, I promise.)

 

SVH #58: Brokenhearted

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Todd Wilkins is moving back to Sweet Valley after an unspecified amount of time living in Burlington, Vermont.  Liz is distraught about this news, because she heard it from other people and not from Todd himself. She also worries about what it will mean for her and Jeffrey.  Jeffrey is also worried about this.

When Todd gets back into town, he’s a little different.  His dad is now president of his company, and they’re moving into a huge mansion in Lila’s neighborhood.  Todd visits with Elizabeth and makes it pretty clear he wants to start seeing her again, even though she’s dating someone else.  Elizabeth is confused.

Winston throws Todd a welcome back party, and everyone attends.  The girls  meet Courtney Kane, who clearly has it bad for Todd.  Jessica gets Todd to take her to a party at his school.  She meets a boy named Sheffield Eastman (seriously).  Liz is still confused about her feelings for both Jeffrey and Todd, despite the fact that Jeffrey takes her on a romantic date and couldn’t be more supportive of the bullshit she’s putting him through.

Todd and Courtney co-host a party, for whatever reason.  Courtney has set things up so that Todd thinks Elizabeth and Jeffrey are stronger than ever.  Liz seems to be awfully heartbroken about the fact that Todd has a date to his party, and Jeffrey picks up on this, because Jeffrey is not an idiot.  He realizes that Liz wants to be with Todd.  This is reinforced when he sees Courtney slip a piece of paper into Liz’s jacket and sneaks away.  He can tell she’s plotting something.

And she is: she sets it up so Liz accidentally sees the two of them kissing.  Liz runs away crying.  Jeffrey tells Todd what happened, and Todd rushes off to Secca Lake to meet Liz.  They get back together.

Poor Jeffrey.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Elizabeth punched him playfully on the arm. ‘I didn’t wear silk to eat pepperoni!’” (43)
• “Elizabeth giggled, but Lila was not amused. ‘Oh, Jessica,’ she said, ‘don’t be so gauche!  I’m sure if you had the chance to spend more time with Courtney, you’d like her as much as I do.’” (71)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Todd no longer attends SVH.  He now goes to Lovett Academy.
• The company Todd’s dad works for is called Varitronics.
• Todd drives a BMW now instead of a rusty brown Datsun.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I guess my biggest problem with this book is the fact that Liz’s actions are totally irrational.  I understand that seeing an old boyfriend can stir up feelings long repressed, but it doesn’t make sense that her immediate reaction would be, “Will I choose Todd or Jeffrey?”  It’s incredibly egotistical to think that she’ll even have that choice.

Also, poor Jeffrey. He might be totally boring, but he doesn’t deserve this kind of crap.  The whole concept that he has to wait while Liz makes up her mind about who she wants to be with is totally shitty.  I don’t even begin to understand how this is like, a legitimate course of action.  It makes me mad, and then I get even madder because I’m mad about a Sweet Valley High book.