SVH #46: Decisions (Revisited)

“Don’t worry,” Robin said.  “Every time I go to diving practice and see myself in a bathing suit, I say, ‘Don’t eat–don’t eat.’ So far it’s worked.”

The original cover, circa 1988

Details: Originally published in June 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 165 pages.

Summary/Overview: Robin Wilson has inexplicably applied early decision to Sarah Lawrence and been accepted, even though she’s only a junior. She’s feeling ambivalent about this achievement, and it’s clear that it’s been pushed by her mother and her aunt, who has offered to pay Robin’s tuition there. Robin hasn’t told her boyfriend George because it would mean a cross-country separation, and she’s unsure if he’ll take that news well (spoiler: he will not). When George does find out, he blows up at her, and Robin assumes that her best friend Annie Whitman told him, so she blows up at her. It’s a whole mess, especially because Liz is the one who spilled the beans, albeit accidentally.

Robin is in a full tail spin about the entire thing, which is bad timing, because she’s got a big diving championship coming up. Her performance suffers as her anxiety about the decision increases, and these things are compounded by a visit from her rich and pushy aunt, who seems to have opinions on basically everything. Robin’s aunt tells her that it’s Sarah Lawrence (and it’s next year) or nothing: she will either pay for Robin’s tuition or she won’t, and it’s completely on her terms. She also shit talks diving and athletics in a weird turn of events.

At the meet, Robin bombs the first dive until she sees George in the audience and gains the confidence she needs to put in a good performance. She crushes it, impressing everyone (including her aunt), and her coach tells her she might have a shot at an athletic scholarship when she’s ready for school. Everyone makes up. All is well, except for me – I am extremely unwell at how stupid this book is.

The B-Plot: Jessica needs pocket money, so she gets a job babysitting for a little girl whose brother turns out to be a total hottie. The problem is that he’s way more interested in practicing music than he is in Jessica, so she decides to take up music, too. She settles on playing the recorder, even though she’s terrible at it. When she finally gets his attention, he tells her he’d be thrilled to date her when he’s finished with his degree in a few years. Meanwhile, Liz discovers that she’s great at the recorder and takes it up as a hobby after keeping her talent from Jessica out of fear she’d be jealous or something. This book is bullshit.

“And what’s this I hear about your diving?” she continued. “Honestly, Robin. I had no idea that you wanted to be an athlete, of all things.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2-3 weeks
– Diving championship

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– The wooden recorder Jessica looks at is $300, which would be about $750 in today’s inflation (lolsob)
– Robin has two brothers, which feels like extremely new information
– Lila travels with an oriental rug for the beach
– Mention of the Cote d’Or, a fancy restaurant in Malvina

Pop Culture:
– “Greensleeves” and “Jolly Miller” are mentioned as songs
– Mozart, Debussy
– Brahm’s “Lullaby”

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, no. No, this one does not hold up. Not a single thing in this book makes any damn sense! You don’t just apply to college “early decision” as a junior. That’s not even what that phrase means! Having perfect grades would also not qualify you to leave high school early – there’s never any mention of Robin having taken extra credits to allow her to graduate a year before the rest of her class. None of this makes any sense, and then when you couple this with the fact that her aunt seems to be insisting that Robin either go to Sarah Lawrence next year or not at all, it’s like find a basement in hell. Why couldn’t Robin get the money to attend the school in another year, when she would be graduating with her class? We don’t know, because it’s never mentioned!

Then there’s the fact that George behaves like a total asshole, making demands of Robin that he really has no right to. I get that teens don’t want to break up when their significant other moves across the country, but twisting it around into something that he blows up at her over is really weird and honestly pretty alarming? It’s all for naught, too, because Robin decides to finish high school and also not go to Sarah Lawrence, so…

Anyway, I hated this one!

SVH Super Thriller #1: Double Jeopardy

“I thought we were training to be reporters,” Jessica objected. “We’re supposed to learn how to investigate, right? And besides, the resume was just sitting there – right in the file drawer. It wasn’t locked up or anything.”

One of the covers, circa 1987

Details: First published in December 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 214 pages.

Summary/Overview: It’s summer again in Sweet Valley, and Jessica and Elizabeth are spending their (third?) summer vacation working as interns at the Sweet Valley News. They’re really just gofers, but Liz is hoping to get an article published by the end of the internship, and Jessica is hoping to attract the attention of star reporter Seth Miller. She tries to attract his attention right away by flat-out fabricating stories that are instantly disproven, causing a great deal of embarrassment and the threat of being fired for both of them.

Because her own love life isn’t enough to keep her busy, Jessica decides that she should meddle in Elizabeth’s, too. While Jeffrey is away for the summer, Jessica decides that Liz should have a fling with Adam Maitland, Steven’s friend from college who is crashing with the Wakefields while working at a law office in town. To try to force this connection, Jessica forges a love letter from Adam to Liz in which he vows to break up with his (secret) fiancee Laurie. Liz decides the best response is no response and tries to put it out of her mind.

Jessica works late one night and witnesses a man in a white Trans Am loading a body into a trunk in the building’s parking lot. She races away in the Fiat, but the murderer spots her. Jessica goes home and gets freaked out by the empty house, so she calls Seth and begs him to come over. He reluctantly does, and then the two return the garage to question the security guard. Seth urges Jessica to tell her parents what she saw.

The Wakefields are…skeptical. But when the police call and say that the body of Laurie, Adam’s fiancee, has been discovered, and that they’re holding Adam in jail until a grand jury can be called (what?), they start to believe Jessica’s story. Elizabeth worries that the love letter he wrote her proves motive, so she brings it to the police.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Seth are trying to prove Adam’s innocence. He’s given up on life or whatever, but they finally get him to help them a little: he thinks maybe a guy named Tom Winslow could have something to do with Laurie’s death. He’s the guy who Laurie’s grandfather wanted her to marry, and Adam has always thought he was unstable. If this all feels convoluted, it’s because it is.

There’s a big party at the newspaper (unclear why), but the twins have been forbidden from driving the Fiat until the killer is caught. Through some pretty thin plot shenanigans, the twins end up split up before the party, and Liz can’t get Steven’s car to start, so she takes the Fiat anyway. Jessica gets to the party before Liz and finds that Tom Winslow is there! She tells Seth to call the police and races to the parking garage to save her sister.

Tom is in the garage and sees Liz and the Fiat. He tries to attack her, but Liz honks the horn (lol) and Jessica comes running. Tom is confused at the presence of twins, giving Jessica enough time to pull the fire alarm. The police show up and arrest him. The twins are saved!

An updated cover

“Jessica,” Elizabeth said mildly, “I hate to bring this up right now, but haven’t you been-” she fumbled for the right word – “kind of excitable lately? I mean, haven’t you been seeing an awful lot of things that the rest of us just haven’t noticed?”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 month
– Summer Vacation (again)
– Sweet Valley News Office Party
– Laurie Hamilton is murdered

Trivia:
– Jeffrey is in San Francisco, working as a camp counselor
– Seth Miller graduated from high school at 16
– Lila’s been to finishing camp
– Lila watches soaps on a Watchman while at the beach
– The cops claim that no one has been murdered in Sweet Valley for 25 years

Pop Culture:
– Alfred Hitchcock

The Swedish version, translated to: Dangerous double play, Under a false name

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
NO! This is truly so dumb and so boring, and even though we’re supposed to feel as though the stakes are super high throughout most of the book, the only scene that’s at all tense is right after Jessica witnesses the moving of the body and has to deal with her fear in an empty house. The rest is a painful slog.

But since we’re on the subject of the body being shoved in a trunk: why on earth would Tom murder Laurie at the big office building downtown? Why would he move her body into the trunk in such an obvious and public space as a garage? Why is everyone in Sweet Valley a big stupid idiot?

ALSO: Jessica’s lying in this one is really next level. The amount of full body cringing I did when she started spinning her tall tales for Seth at the beginning! I was physically embarrassed for her, and I cannot believe that she thought it was the way to get to Seth’s heart. I thought she was supposed to be a good liar?

SVH #35: Out of Control (Revisited)

On the other hand, if there was one person who would make a good salesperson, it had to be Jessica Wakefield…if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement.

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published February 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 154 pages.

Summary/Overview: Aaron Dallas’s parents are going through a divorce, and Aaron is having a Hard Time because of it. He seems to have a short fuse with everyone, blowing up at friends over tiny things and generally acting like he’s in a permanent ‘roid rage. It’s a huge bummer for basically everyone, and it isn’t long before most of his friends are at their wit’s end with his behavior. The only people in Aaron’s corner are Jeffrey French and Aaron’s girlfriend, sophomore Heather Sanford. Elizabeth doesn’t understand why Jeffrey is being so lenient with him and thinks Heather is an absolute waste of space. She goes so far as to mock Heather openly at a party after observing her talking baby-talk to Aaron (a coping strategy that embarrasses Heather but helps Aaron calm down).

When Aaron snaps and hits one of his soccer teammates, his coach tells him that any more outbursts will mean expulsion from the team. Elizabeth witnesses the punch and writes an article about Aaron’s behavior for the article, which enrages Aaron and makes Jeffrey angry, too. But when Heather tells Liz that she’s glad she wrote it, Liz realizes that she pre-judged Heather. When Aaron runs into Liz at school, Jeffrey asks him to get over his anger at her and he punches Jeffrey. This is the final straw for Heather, who begs Aaron to get help. He meets with the guidance counselor and his coach, and they encourage him to see a therapist (maybe with his father), and he remains on the soccer team just in time to win a big game against Big Mesa.

The German edition – “Freshly in love and pretty pissed off”

The B-Plot: Jessica decides to seek fortune by signing up to sell health and beauty products from a company called Tofu-Glo. She invites all the girls at school to her house for a party to demonstrate the products, and she sells a ton of product to them and to folks in the neighborhood by knocking door-to-door. When she starts receiving complaints about the products not working (and stinking to high heaven), she realizes that offering a “money-back guarantee” was a bad idea: she has to eat the cost of all the products she sold. When she contacts the company, they tell her it’s her fault for not reading the fine print: the products have to be refrigerated. Just when she thinks she’ll be completely bankrupt (or wahtever), Ned swoops in with news that a class action lawsuit against the company means she’ll get her money back. This is why we don’t join MLMs, hun.

“Why would you want to sell Cara tofu to put on her hair?” Steven asked for the seventh time, annoyed and puzzled. “I don’t get it.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Big soccer game
– Party at the Wakefield’s

Trivia:
– Jesssica and the number 37: “I bet I can sell a hundred and thirty-seven tons of the stuff,” “a hundred and thirty-seven wild horses couldn’t make you fetch”
– Steven was a Boy Scout

Pop Culture:
– None!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Probably the most glaring thing worth noting about this book is the way it dances around the concept of therapy for both Aaron and his father. They never really want to say the word “therapist,” and when it’s even hinted at, Aaron (and others) make mention of therapy being something for psychopaths. Which is pretty rich, given the fact that Aaron acts like one throughout the entire book!

In the end, Aaron agrees to see the school guidance counselor, which feels like a weird choice. I’m not even sure they’re trained in anything therapy-adjacent – and one meeting with this woman and Aaron’s problems are fixed?

It’s also worth noting that Elizabeth is such an asshole in this one!

SVH Super Edition #4: Malibu Summer (Revisited)

“Men,” Jessica said moodily. “Lila, you sound like you’re about twenty-five. Aren’t you interested in just plain boys anymore?”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published in July 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 200 pages.

Summary/Overview: It is summer (yet again) in Sweet Valley, and Jessica convinces Liz to give up an internship with the Sweet Valley News and instead spend the summer with her and Lila working in Malibu as a mother’s helper. As part of the deal, Liz makes Jessica do all the organizing of the jobs, and Jessica ends up placing herself with the Sargents, who have a three month old named Sam (because they’re related to her latest musician crush, Tony Sargent), and gives Liz the job with the Bennets, who live in a mansion right on the water and have a sullen six-year-old daughter named Taryn.

Summer romance blooms. Lila falls for a guy named Ben Horgan who turns out to be only 15, embarrassing her. Jessica immediately falls in love with a cute guy named Cliff Sherman, who happens to live next door to the Bennets. Jessica tries to get Liz to switch jobs with her (the Sargent home is tiny and she wants to be near Cliff), but Liz refuses. She does agree to babysit Sam one night for Jessica, though, and that’s the night that the Sargent’s house guest, a college-aged guy named Jamie Galbraith, arrives. He and Elizabeth hit it off, but Elizabeth worries that he’s too old for her (he’s twenty-one). Still, they begin to see each other in secret, and it isn’t long before she falls in love with him. Of course, Jamie’s real secret is that he’s Tony Sargent, famous pop star. He’s also only seventeen but is in hiding because he hooked up with a groupie whose ex-boyfriend (Frankie LaSalle) has done time for assault, and is out to get Tony.

A terrible storm hits Malibu, and everything hits the fan all at once. Taryn runs away after hearing her parents argue and ends up on a bridge that’s collapsing in a mudslide. Jessica finds her with the “help” of police, and Jessica is able to rescue her in the nick of time before the bridge fully collapses. However, Taryn is sick and ends up in the hospital, where she is finally reunited with her parents. They’ve realized the errors of their ways and vow to be present parents. Taryn recovers.

Meanwhile, Liz and Jamie end up trapped at the Beach Cafe as the storm rages around them. As the storm abates, Frankie LaSalle storms into the restaurant armed with a knife. There’s a scuffle, and Liz manages to knock Frankie out. But her realization that Jamie is really Tony upset her, and she tells him that they can’t see each other any more.

Liz is sad about her broken heart but attends a Tony Sargent concert with Jessica, Lila, and Cliff. Tony debuts his new song, written especially for Liz, and she thinks about how special their summer romance was.

The Swedish cover, translated to “A Magical Summer”

Elizabeth sighed. “Twenty-one is pretty old, Jamie. My parents would never approve. I know this is going to sound weird to you, but I feel terrible doing something I know they’d consider wrong.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: A month, tops
– Party at Cliff Sherman’s
– Tony Sargent concert

Trivia:
– Tony Sargent’s songs: “You’re On My Mind,” “Tonight is For You, Girl”
– Another mention of LA-based band The Number One

Pop Culture:
– Nina Simone
– Wicked Witch of the West

The reissue, circa 1992

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

I love a “celeb dating a normie” trope in a romance novel, but I have to say that even in a book that’s a good 70+ pages longer than the usual ones in this series, not nearly enough world-building is given to the story of Tony Sargent to make me care at all about what’s going on! I don’t believe that contacts and a hair cut would make him unrecognizable to Jessica, who has been lusting after him for months. I don’t believe that the solution to having an unhinged stalker on the loose is to send Tony to live with his cousin in Malibu! I just don’t buy any of it!

It’s also extremely weird to me that these sixteen year old girls are just allowed to go live with strangers for the summer! The Wakefields were really just like, “Make good choices, ladies,” and that was it? I know the 80s were a different time, but this still seems very weird to me? They’re minors, and at the very least I would assume that the families they’re staying with would have ground rules or something? It’s all very YIKES to me?

SVH #29: Bitter Rivals (Revisited)

Enid had always valued Elizabeth’s taste and judgment. She must realize that Amy Sutton was acting like a total airhead! But to her shock, Elizabeth was smiling fondly at Amy across the table.

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in June 1986. Paperback, 138 pages.

Summary/Overview: Liz’s childhood best friend Amy Sutton has moved back to Sweet Valley, and Liz is overjoyed. She is sure that Amy will fit in seamlessly with her friendship with Enid, and that the three of them will have a great time. But Liz is surprised to find that Amy seems to have shifted in her priorities and interests, and that she seemingly has a lot more in common with Jessica and Lila than she would ever have guessed. Amy likes to talk about boys and tries out for the cheerleading team and blows off a lot of plans with Elizabeth.

While this bothers Liz, her kink* is being a doormat, so she allows it to go on, unchecked, for a very long time. Enid seems to have Amy’s number pretty early on, but she hides her true feelings from Elizabeth, afraid that if she tells her how she really feels, she’ll drive a wedge even further between them. Things come to a head when Elizabeth asks Enid to reschedule their ski trip at her aunt’s cabin in Lake Tahoe for the third time because Amy wants to attend Lila’s costume party.

Enid does begrudgingly reschedule, and she attends the party, which is partially being held in honor of Lila’s cousin Christopher (visiting from Maine). Amy is into him and tries to flirt, but he only has eyes for Enid, who he remembers from sailing camp. Amy snaps at Enid and manipulates Christopher into giving her a ride home. Enid thinks Liz allowed this to happen and blows up at her.

Liz finally comes to her senses about Amy and apologizes to Enid. The girls make up and all is well again. Amy becomes firmly ensconced in the world of Jessica and Lila.

*this is a joke! I am not kink-shaming, I swear

The B-Plot: Jessica and Cara have started a weekly advice column in the Oracle called “Dear Miss Lovelorn.” At first, Jessica and Cara give pretty decent advice, but it isn’t long before Jessica decides to use the column for her own personal gain: faking letters to break up Jay McGuire and his girlfriend Denise Hadley, because Jessica wants to go out with Jay. It works for a while: Jessica spends some quality time with him at Miller’s Point, but like most of her schemes, it ultimately backfires. When she forgets to submit her copy for the week’s paper, Liz goes ahead and publishes letters from Jay and Denise about how much they miss each other (Jessica had plans to destroy this evidence), and the two get back together. Jessica, true to form, gets over this fairly quickly.

“I hope it works out,” Elizabeth said sincerely, thinking privately that the last person she’d ever want involved with her love life would be Lila Fowler.

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Costume party at Lila’s
– Amy Sutton moves back to Sweet Valley
– Cheerleading tryouts (again)

The Danish cover with a direct translation

Trivia:
– Lila mentions booking an LA-based band called The Number One
– Amy mentions “hating herself” if she goes an ounce over 110 pounds. Woof.
– Costumes at Lila’s party: Liz and Enid go as skiers, Jessica is Cleopatra, Amy goes as a ballerina, Lila is Princess Diana, Steven and Cara are Raggedy Ann and Andy

Pop Culture:
– Romeo & Juliet
– Cleopatra
– Prince Charming

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
Enid is definitely in love with Elizabeth, right? I’m only half-joking: I think that you could argue that there’s a connecting thread throughout the series regarding how Enid thinks about Elizabeth (incredibly preoccupied with how smart and beautiful and kind she is, very concerned about maintaining Liz’s attention) that skews a little sapphic, especially with a more modern lens, and it’s impossible not to see it in this book. Enid is really into Liz, and it definitely feels like it’s more than just friendship for her.

Which is okay! Wouldn’t this be a much more interesting book if the characters had been allowed to be anything but (cis) straight people? Wouldn’t the dynamics between the three girls in this story be way more interesting to parse if the book leaned into the fact that Enid’s stake in maintaining a relationship with Elizabeth is totally different than Amy’s?

Speaking of Amy: I’m not actually sure what Amy’s game was here. She definitely used Liz for a few things (like a ride home), but she didn’t seem to be at all interested in an actual friendship with her? I guess you could make the argument that she, too, was holding onto the nostalgia of their childhood friendship, but it didn’t really read that way to me. She just…sucks?

SVH #23: Say Goodbye (Revisited)

Elizabeth Wakefield, she thought, her eyes sparkling with determination, I’m not going to let you shrivel up or pine away. Nicholas and I are going to save you from everlasting sorrow!

The original US cover

Details: Originally published September 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Todd’s father’s job has transferred him to the office in Burlington, Vermont, and it means that Todd and his entire family (unclear if this includes a sister/brother or not) is moving ASAP. Liz is horrified, and she and Todd decide that they will remain committed to one another and continue being exclusive while also being long distance. This is pre-internet, kiddos, so that means long-distance phone calls and writing letters and sending them in the MAIL.

Everyone expresses concern about this plausibility of this plan, but the two are resolute that it can work. Todd moves away, and immediately things begin to fall apart for them, helped in large part by Jessica, who has decided Elizabeth should stop going steady with Todd (boring) and should instead start going steady with Nicholas Morrow (rich). She does everything in her power to set the two up, including getting Nicholas to escort her to the sail boat regatta he’s competing in (a totally normal event).

Liz feels torn, because she likes Nicholas but wants to remain true to Todd. When Todd stops taking her calls (because Jessica cried to him that Liz is losing out on life or whatever), she starts dating him, and even though she feels like Nicholas is like a brother to her, she makes out with him and likes it. She goes with Nicholas to a party that Lila throws and is surprised to find that Todd has made a surprise return visit. He runs away when he sees them together, and Liz cries to Nicholas about how she still loves Todd. She finds Todd and the two realize that they have to open up their relationship but remain in love.

The B-Plot: When Jessica spends too much money on the Wakefield charge account at Lisette’s, Ned insists that she get a job. She gets a job as a receptionist at a place called Perfect Match Computer Dating Service, where she immediately tries to set Steven up with eligible women. The problem is all the women are, like, in their forties and also that Steven has not consented to being set up, so he keeps getting calls from random older women and doesn’t know why. When he finds out, he yells at Jessica a bunch.

In the midst of all this, he helps Cara fix a flat tire and finds that she seems to have grown up a bit. This is due to the fact that her parents are going through a nasty divorce, and Steven is…into it. He asks her to be his date to Lila’s party, but when Betsy Martin shows up and freaks out, he freaks out and fully abandons Cara. Cool!

The German cover. Translate tells me it means “Taking Leave”

He reminded Jessica of a librarian…Jeffrey struck her as a poor relation. He wanted to be an archeologist, which had seemed interesting at first. But the more he talked about it, the dustier it began to sound.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks
– Party at the Beach Disco
– Sail boat regatta at Sweet Valley Boat Club
– Party at the Morrow’s mansion
– Party at Lila’s

Trivia:
– The Wakefields have an account at Lisette’s, because Jessica manages to charge $87.95 there
– Mention of Bruce Patman’s iconic 1BRUCE1 license plate
– Jessica’s paychecks from the dating agency are pink

Pop Culture:
– Glamour Magazine
– James Bond
– National Enquirer

The Swedish cover. Translate tells me “Take Time to Say Goodbye” so same vibes!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, Jessica’s completely inappropriate attempts to set Steven up with women who are two decades older than him, without his consent, absolutely do not hold up! I also couldn’t get over how stupid Jessica seemed in this one? Like, it wasn’t even a good scheme, and she has had some great ones. This one didn’t make any sense, and I did not buy that she’d set up her “gorgeous” (her words!) brother with randos whose pictures she didn’t even have access to. This part has not aged well.

But the rest of it holds up as well as can be expected, honestly! I do still think that Todd and Elizabeth’s absolute denial about the fact that things will change for their relationship when they’re on opposite sides of the country from one another is realistic? Yes! I think when you’re sixteen and in love and are faced with something like this (a trauma in some ways), you dig in your heels and resist the change. Do I think that Elizabeth starting to date Nicholas Morrow as a way to forget Todd still feels a little weird? Also yes, though it’s certainly a human reaction. I wish that Nicholas was a more interesting character (but that’s true of 99% of the folks in these books), because then he’d be a more worthy adversary to Todd.

Am I still confused by what Todd and Elizabeth actually plan to do going forward? YES!

SVH #12: When Love Dies (Revisited)

“At the sight of her, Steven’s heart caught and the anger drained out of him. She was so beautiful, with her delicate features, creamy skin, and strawberry-blond hair. She reminded him of a porcelain doll.”

The original cover

Details: Originally published September 1984 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 130 pages. My copy has a SVH “Quiz” at the back that two different people filled out with pen, but both times skipped the question asking what Elizabeth’s favorite drink is (it’s root beer, duh).

Summary: Steven Wakefield is spending a lot of time at home moping about the fact that his girlfriend Tricia Martin seems to be avoiding him lately. She’s breaking dates, avoiding his calls, and generally being evasive. When he confronts her, she intimates that they might be better off not seeing so much of each other, and he flies off the handle and breaks up with her.

This thrills Jessica, who hates that he’s dating someone with such a “trashy” family. She decides it’s the perfect time to set him up with Cara Walker, who has expressed interest in Steven in the past. Cara throws a last-minute party and Jessica forces Steven to attend, where he dances with Cara before kissing her after imagining that Tricia is dating other guys. He takes Cara to a party at his dorm but realizes he really loves Tricia and bails early, much to the ire of Cara.

Of course, the reality is that Tricia has leukemia, her prognosis is not good, and she has broken up with Steven to protect him or something. Liz actually discovers this while volunteering at the hospital (see also: the B-Plot), and while Tricia begs her to keep it a secret, she confides in Mr. Collins, who tells her that some secrets shouldn’t be kept. Liz tells Steven the truth and Steven rushes to Tricia’s house, where they cry and make up and swear to love one another forever, or until she dies, I guess. Unclear.

The B-Plot: When Jessica discovers that local TV personality Jeremy Frank has broken his leg and landed at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital, she convinces Liz that they should volunteer as candy stripers. A series of mishaps ensue: Jessica dumps cold water all over Jeremy (while he’s naked??), bothers him, and generally hangs around with a big old crush. With the help of Elizabeth, Jeremy plays a prank on Jessica where he “confesses” his love for her and proposes. While it surprises her in the moment, Jessica decides it’s actually a great idea and tells him yes, causing him to have to tell her it was a joke. As penance, he offers her a guest interview on his talk show. Okay…?

We also get the introduction of Carl the orderly, who kidnaps Elizabeth on the last page of this book, literally out of nowhere.

For the first time in her life, Elizabeth realized how final the word goodbye could sound.

I wish this was a better image because I have questions

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: about 4 weeks
– Party at Cara’s
– Party at Steven’s college

Trivia:
– The Morrows are moving into the old “” mansion.
– Kurt Morrow (dad to Nicholas and Regina) played football for the Hawks

Pop Culture References:
– Dracula
– Paul Newman
– Love Story
– Sherlock (Holmes)

A French cover that Google tells me is called “Don’t Tell Him Anything”

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

I’m going to sound like an asshole (which is fine – I’m okay being an asshole sometimes), but I don’t care about Tricia’s illness, and I don’t care about her love story with Steven! It’s boring. If I wanted to read about a beautiful teen dying romantically from an incurable illness, I’d read a Lurlene McDaniel novel. This one is so vague about Tricia’s diagnosis that it’s hard to care.

Which is maybe the point? Despite the fact that this one features Tricia and Steven on the cover and purports to be about their love story, I couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the book seemed to be devoted to the book’s B-plot. For a while I waffled back and forth about whether or not their story was even this book’s main plot, but I guess it was? The book certainly paid more attention to Jessica’s hijinks than it did to Tricia’s sad ass and Steven’s weird obsession with describing her as “doll-like.”

Oh well, best of luck to them both!

SVH #9: Racing Hearts (Revisited)

Jobs for teens in Sweet Valley were hard to come by, and more than once his employer had told him how lucky Roger was to have his job, especially since it now paid him fifty cents an hour over the minimum wage.

Original cover, circa 1984

Details: Originally published June 1984 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 149 pages. My copy comes from the public library of Eddyvill, Iowa – complete with the checkout slip in back listing the various due dates (ranging from 85-88) (via eBay).

Summary: Roger Patman works at an office building as a janitor when he’s not in school. He doesn’t do this for spending money; his dad is a drunk and his mom has a heart condition that forced her to quit her job at a factory, so they depend on Roger’s job in order to live. He’s deeply ashamed of this and hides it from everyone at school, including his best friend Olivia Davidson, who is secretly in love with him.

Everyone at SVH is all atwitter about the upcoming 1-mile race, affectionately called The Bart, that high school (boys) compete in. The winner receives a full scholarship to Sweet Valley College, and while Roger knows that something like that could be the difference between attending college and not, he doesn’t see how he could ever get the time off to compete. He does qualify though, and Coach Schultz demands he attends practice in the week leading up to the big event.

Lila Fowler decides that Roger’s sudden rise to fame and esteem at school has made him a boy worth pursuing, though she’s always shunned his advances when he’s approached her in the past. Roger seems interested and flattered by Lila’s sudden attention, much to Olivia’s chagrin. When Roger doesn’t show for practice, the coach yells at him until Elizabeth intervenes and asks Ned to speak to Roger’s boss. His boss gives him the time off for the race, but not before Roger announces that he’s dropped out. Lila is uninterested in him if he’s not racing to fame, and it’s then that Roger realizes that Olivia is the one he truly wants to be with.

Roger wins the race. I am bored.

The B-Plot: Jessica decides that it’s time to get serious about her career and asks Ned for a job at his law office. He’s thrilled, but Jessica is horrified when she realizes that it’s less “helping Ned prep clients for trial” and more “copy and collate these documents.” Things take a turn for the better when she runs into a handsome boy named Dennis Creighton, whose father has the office space next to Ned. Jessica and Dennis spend about two weeks fooling around in the office after hours, but Jessica gets tired of the fact that he never takes her anywhere. When she asks him to take her to the dance happening after the race, he tells her he doesn’t have a car – because he’s only 15. She dumps him.

Roger Barrett, a boy so fine.
His speedy running is so divine.
In school, too, he is very smart.
He’ll walk away with the trophy at the Bart.
In everything he operates at the highest stratum.
We at Sweet Valley are so proud we have him.

I am SCREAMING

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2-3 weeks
– Barton Aimes Memorial Mile race (“the Bart”)
– Lila plans (and then cancels) a pool party to occur between the race and the dance
– Dance after the Bart race

Trivia:
– Jessica and the number 37: “I have at least three hundred and thirty-seven things to do”
– First mention of Lila dating Aaron back in junior high
– Ned practices “Civil Law”
– Roger’s try-out race time is four minutes, 5.5 seconds

Pop Culture References:
– Bugs Bunny/Speedy Gonzalez
– Hill Street Blues

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

Before we get into some really gross stuff here about social class, I noticed something about the plot on this read-through that I never noticed before: this race is only open to (cis)men, and it’s never even touched on that this feels deeply sexist and gross. There’s no mention of the fact that women might want the opportunity to run the race and obtain a full scholarship to college. This is so weird to me, even for a book written in the 1980s, especially because these books were written with a female audience in mind.

With that out of the way, I guess we can talk about the weird social class stuff happening here. Roger works (what must be close to full time) while also attending school full time and is deeply ashamed of the fact, while also being terrified of both losing the job and having his classmates find out that he’s a janitor. The book makes mention more than once that there aren’t a lot of jobs for teenagers in Sweet Valley (which is weird, because there’s a giant mall, a movie theater, parks, etc., all of which would be likely to employ teenagers). While it’s true that none of the core group of teens seem to work steadily, Jessica and Elizabeth just took tests to become tour guides for the summer, and Jessica asks her dad for an after-school job in this very book. So working is definitely somewhat normalized, even in idyllic Sweet Valley.

So is it the nature of the work that Roger does that’s supposed to be shameful? Or is it that he has to work to help support his family? Also, there are labor laws that protect minors from working more than a certain number of hours in a given week – where are the adults in Roger’s life keeping an eye on this? If not his parents, what about the guidance counselor that was up in Liz’s business when she went a little off the rails?

I? Have questions?

SVH #123: Elizabeth’s Rival

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

It’s summer vacation in Sweet Valley YET AGAIN, and Jessica and Elizabeth, along with Lila for some reason, are about to head off to Montana for a month long gig as junior counselors at a performing arts camp.  Liz is excited because one of her best friends from middle school, Maria Slater, is moving back to Sweet Valley and MIRACULOUSLY also joining the fun as a JC at the camp in Montana.  Jessica’s excited because she’s sure it’s her chance to finally become famous after being discovered.  She also makes a vow that it’s a summer with no boys, because she’s back to being sad about the death of Christian.  Lila hopes to only meet dudes, so the girls are at odds off the bat.

Things move along at a nice clip.  Within minutes of arriving, Liz has met Joey Mason, a super cute counselor who leads the acting workshops.  She’s attracted to him immediately.  Jessica starts to tire of Lila’s constant whining and wonders if she’ll manage to last the month listening to her complain.  When Maria shows up, Liz is overjoyed and then horrified when she realizes that Maria’s new best friend, Nicole Banes, is a total snot whom Elizabeth hates immediately.

Although Liz thinks that there must be something redeeming about Nicole since she’s Maria’s best friend, she plays like a total parody of a villain. She hides her own diary under Liz’s mattress and then accuses her of stealing it, then she steals the disk Liz has saved her script for the camp play on and passes it off as her own.  It seems that no one believes Liz, and it’s also clear that Joey is totally favoring Nicole over Liz.  It isn’t until Jessica accidentally sees evidence of Nicole taunting Liz about the play on camera (one of her campers is a little filmmaker) that she realizes what’s going on.  She shows it to the whole camp and Liz not only wins back Maria’s friendship but also the affection of Joey, who is now totally into Liz.  She tells him that she and Todd are in an open relationship, which backfires when Todd shows up at the camp.

Meanwhile, Lila falls for a guy named Bo, who comes off as a brave adventurer.  Lila tries to pretend she’s one, too, but is confused by how cowardly Bo actually seems to be.  Finally he comes clean to her: he’s actually the son of a millionaire.  They have tons in common! They kiss!

Jessica reluctantly falls for Paul, the older brother of one of her campers.  I AM SO BORED AND THERE ARE TWO MORE BOOKS IN THIS MINI-SERIES.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• According to this book, Robbie Goodman moved away to attend art school.  Did we know this? I literally can’t remember.
• Jessica’s in charge of the dance classes, Liz is put on sailing duty, and Lila’s got arts and crafts covered.
• Lila wears a periwinkle blue raw-silk romper with pearl buttons for her first day as a counselor, because of course she does.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Now that we’re both wet, come here and give me a hug!” The girls hugged for a long time, rocking side to side. (39)
• Do I look like the kind of girl who would cheat on her boyfriend? she asked her reflection. No, she answered herself. (56) [Are you fucking kidding me?]

A (Totally Unqualified) Analysis:

I don’t know, haven’t we already done the camp thing to death already?  Lila and Jessica were counselors at Lila’s uncle’s resort that one time, and all of these people worked as JCs with overly-precocious kids in the far-superior Todd’s Story.  So yeah, I’m totally over the camp counselor thing they have going on.

What’s also distressing is that there isn’t even enough story here to sustain the 200-page book, let alone 2 more books.  It just doesn’t make any sense, and it isn’t fun.  UGH.

Also, what’s up with Nicole?  Why is she so terrible?  Why doesn’t she have any actual motivations?  How is it so completely out of the realm of possibility that anyone could hate Liz for an actual, legitimate reason?  I hate Liz and I like to think my reasons are wholly rational and air-tight.

SVH Super Thriller #9: A Stranger in the House

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week

Summary/Overview:

For some bizarre reason, it is summer vacation AGAIN.  Steven is home and working at Ned’s law office, and the twins have both gotten jobs at the Marina Cafe as waitresses.  Jessica thinks it’s going to be all hot guys and big tips, but Liz is, predictably, much more practical about the entire endeavor.  When Jessica points out that Liz is in a rut, she actually agrees and wonders if she can shake things up.  Their first day of waitressing entails a lot of running around and getting mixed up by the restaurant’s manager.  Liz leaves with Todd for a date and Jessica ends up meeting  handsome young man named Scott Maderlake who tells her he’s a scout for a television series.  The two flirt and make plans for a date.

Meanwhile, Ned Wakefield is obsessing over news that convicted murderer John Marin is being release 15 years early from prison.  Ten years prior, Ned put him away while working as an assistant district attorney.  Before Marin was locked up, he swore he’d get his revenge on Ned by coming at him through his family.  Worried about the safety of his children, Ned leaps at the chance to send Steven down to San Diego for a month to work on a case, and frets over Liz and Jess’s safety.

When Ned receives a threatening card from someone who signs it “JM,” he is sure it’s from Marin.  But the police basically tell him that they can’t do anything unless Marin violates parole, which he does about five minutes later, as he gave his PO a fake address.  But now no one can figure out where Marin went, so they have to look for him.  In a panic, Ned calls in a favor to a PI friend and arranges to have someone follow Jess and Liz during the day, for their “protection.” He doesn’t tell the girls–or even Alice–this, of course.  This will end well.

Of course, Marin is already in Sweet Valley, has already broken into the Wakefield home, and has gathered intel on the twins and their lives.  He’s also set up a phone tap on the house phone, because of course he has.  So he’s one step ahead of Ned (or, like, seven, but whatever).  Ned continues to receive threatening mail from him, including an envelope with Jessica’s lavalier necklace.

Liz locks eyes with a mysterious cute boy at the Dairi Burger one night and thinks he might be her soulmate because he’s writing in a notebook.  When he shows up at the cafe the next day, she finds out from Jane that he’s living on a boat and is a writer.  Liz practically swoons.  When she finally gets a chance to talk to him a few days later, she finds out that his name is Ben Morgan.  They take a walk along the docks.

In fact, both twins continue to see their new dudes (who is totally the same person but whatever) in secret, not even telling each other about their newfound love.  When Ned asks tensely if either girl has met anyone new or unusual lately, they both lie, and it’s clear that they are both lying.  Ned doesn’t tell the girls about the necklace and though he worries about it and Jim the PI tells him it’s important to know which twin it came from, he continues to sit on it.

The police call Ned with good news: they’ve arrested who they think John Marin is.  But then the twins are attacked while closing the cafe one night, and when they ID the man they think did it, it’s the dude the police had already arrested.  It becomes clear that Marin set this guy up to take the fall.  Although both twins know about John Marin and their father’s past now, Elizabeth still sneaks out to meet Ben for a midnight sail.  Ned is distracted by the fact that Marin has killed Jim, his PI.  The police also find the body of the security detail that was hired to watch over Jess and Liz.  What a murdering spree!

Once Jessica figures out that Liz isn’t with Todd like she said (because he calls the house), she and Ned and the police rush to the beach disco to interrogate Jane about who Liz has been seeing in secret.  They go to find the boat and end up sending out the coast guard (and riding along, because why not) to meet the boat.  John tries to kill Elizabeth with a knife but she stomps on his foot and runs towards the back of the boat while he heads towards the dinghy to make an escape.  She nearly drowns, but Jessica saves her.

At home, the police show up and tell the twins they found bloody remnants of Marin’s jacket and that he’s believed to have been eaten by sharks.  Because that’s the most logical explanation for his disappearance.  The twins rest easy for approximately five minutes before Marin shows up, having hidden in the basement and drugging Prince Albert.  Marin hits Ned with a piece of wood and goes upstairs to kill the twins.  Before he can, Ned storms in and throws him against a wall.  Then Marin jumps out a window. I’m not sure why.

The police arrest Marin and all is well with the world.  OR IS IT?

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• The Marina Cafe makes their waitresses wear turquoise polo shirts and khaki shorts. Glamorous!
• Ned has “progressive views on rehabilitation”
• Jane has just graduated college but at one point she sees Todd and says, “If I were ten years younger…” So, you’d be into him when you were 12? WHAT?
• “Ben’s” boat is named Emily Dickinson

Memorable Quotes:

• “After ten years in prison, there isn’t much I don’t know about picking a lock.” (37) [Wait, what?!]
• “Calm down, Ned. Your daughters are attractive girls. They might not have realized that this was different from the kind of surveillance they must be used to from men.” (174)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

My first issue with the book is the entire concept of John Marin.  First of all, he committed a horrific crime, was convicted of it, and was up for parole in 10 years.  He murdered two people brutally, which under California law would have made him eligible to be tried under a Capital offense, unless I’m mistaken (I’m no lawyer like Ned, but I think this is right).  So he wouldn’t be up for parole.  But even if he hadn’t been tried under that, he still wouldn’t have been eligible for parole after 10 years.  It just doesn’t work that way.  Not even for a pretty white dude in prison.

But then there’s the complete ridiculousness of Ned Wakefield.  He tells no one in his family that he’s worried about John Marin, even after John Marin has started to break into the house.  This is not the reaction of a human being who loves his family.  This is the reaction of a person who has lost his grip on reality, or someone who secretly wants his family dead (can’t blame him there).  It makes no sense.

My favorite part of this book was when the police show up with scraps of the windbreaker Marin was wearing on the boat and they tell the Wakefields that there’s blood on the clothes and it’s being tested for a DNA match, but it’s only a “formality” because they’re sure Marin is dead. I actually laughed out loud, because this is legitimately the dumbest thing I have heard, maybe ever.