SVH #50: Out of Reach (Revisited)

Amy stuck out her lower lip in a pout. “But she’s Chinese! She doesn’t look right for the part. The soloist for the finale should be blond, all-American – like me.”

The original cover, circa 1988. Peep that anniversary sticker.

Details: Originally published in October 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 151 pages. My copy has a gold leaf stamp celebrating the series’ 5th anniversary.

Summary/Overview: There’s a big talent show fundraiser coming up for a dance program that Sweet Valley High wants to offer students. The show will focus heavily on music and dance, with one slot at the end of the show going to a soloist dancer. Amy Sutton wants it, but she has competition in relative new-kid at school, sophomore Jade Wu. Jade has been taking private dance lessons for years and is very good, but her conservative Chinese-born dad forbids her from dancing in public. Despite his rules, Jade auditions for the show and wins the solo slot, much to Amy’s extreme ire. Jade conceals this from her parents for as long as she can, but she has to confide in her mom when she realizes the dress rehearsal will fall on a weekend. Her mom says that she will try to convince Jade’s dad to allow her to dance at the show but she might have to pull out at the last minute.

Meanwhile, Jade has been spending time at school with David Prentiss, a nice boy who likes art and works as a delivery driver after school. The fact that he’s only a sophomore and probably barely has his license is not addressed. Jade thinks he’s cute and nice but turns him down when he asks her out because she’s not allowed to date at all, let alone date a white boy. This causes them to quarrel, and David stops speaking to Jade for a while.

Through some dumb and extremely boring plot contrivances, Amy Sutton, who is positively seething with resentment and jealousy about Jade getting the starring role, visits the laundromat that Jade’s grandparents own. Amy decides this is delicious, juicy gossip, and spreads it all over school. Jade is embarrassed about this and it causes her further stress.

Jade’s dad allows her to dance at the show, but he says he won’t attend. Then he has a change of heart and is incredibly impressed by her talent. Jade’s performance is fantastic! Everyone thinks she was brilliant, including a random guy in the audience, who offers Jade a scholarship to dance with a troupe in Los Angeles under the condition that she accepts the money with the name Jade Warren. He claims that the benefactor, an old rich (white) lady, is a little “funny” about ethnic names. Jade declines the offer because she has to stay true to herself and her family.

The B-Plot: Ned Wakefield’s 25th high school reunion is coming up, and he worries he’s getting too old. He starts exercising a ton and complaining about how terrible it is to be in his (early) forties, and so Jessica and Elizabeth devise a plan to help him see that aging isn’t so bad. They enlist the help of Alice, and it basically includes signing him up for a bunch of workout things, including a marathon training plan that has him running 12 miles a day (???) and inviting him to go to the Beach Disco to listen to rock music, which he hates. Ned realizes that getting old isn’t so bad. Yay?

The German cover, which translates to “The Girl from the Foreign Land,” which isn’t even true! Jade was born in America.

Mr. Wakefield looked at his wife and daughters. “You really think there’s hope? That I can make myself younger by working out more?”

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar:
Estimated elapsed time: 3 weeks
– Music and dance variety show at SVH
– Cast party at Guido’s

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– Mrs. Bellasario is the director of the talent show
– David has five brothers and sisters
– The Razors are a rock band playing at the Beach Disco and one of their songs is “Cut Me, Babe, Why Don’t You Cut Me”

Pop Culture:
– Beating the “Jessica was in You Can’t Take it With You” horse to death
– The Nutcracker

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)

I mean, no, for a variety of reasons. There’s something so distinctly uncomfortable about reading a book written decades ago for a predominantly white audience (and presumably by a white ghostwriter) about a girl who is supposed to be Chinese-American trying to fit in with her 99.9% white classmates. Everything about the book feels a little troubling, from the way her parents are characterized to her own internal monologue to the way her classmates and teachers perpetrate microaggressions. What’s most alarming is that I’m not even sure the book is aware that some of the things that happen are microaggressions? They don’t feel intentional to the narrative.

The last time I recapped this book, I talked about the nasty scene in the classroom when Jade’s history teacher calls on her specifically to get her perspective on China. This still hits in an extremely bad way, and the book absolutely frames it as her teacher being well-intentioned and Jade being in the wrong for lying about her heritage. It’s deeply fucked up, and while I know the book was written literal decades ago, it’s still absolutely wild to experience in 2022. Woof!

But I was struck this time by the fact that the book lets so many other moments go by that are…not great. There’s Amy’s overtly racist comment about Jade looking Chinese and not “all-American” (which really makes you wonder about the series’ continued use of “all-American” good looks to describe the Wakefield family). At one point, David says something about Jade’s looks being “distinctive,” which is…yikes. And of course, the book’s resolution involves the weird plot point about Jade changing her last name for the scholarship to not appear too “ethnic.” The word race is never used, yet again. It’s all just…incredibly unsettling.

What a time to be alive.

SVH #49: Playing for Keeps (Revisited)

She blushed. “Oh, I was thinking about – about nuclear war,” she fibbed lamely. “You know – how terrible it would be if there were one and everything.”

The original cover, circa 1988

Details: Originally published in September 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 165 pages.

Summary/Overview: Jessica is still firmly ensconced in her weird role-playing thing where she’s pretending to be shy and deep to keep the (rapidly waning) attentions of A.J. Morgan. When the two go for a run along the beach at Secca Lake, they see someone drowning offshore, and A.J. runs in and saves her. The drowning girl is named Pamela Janson, who goes to nearby Whitehead Academy, and Jessica is furious when it becomes clear that she’s interested in A.J. and is being flirtatious and outgoing in her attempts to get his attention.

The thing is, it seems to be working, largely because A.J. seems to be pretty horny. Though he struggles with feelings of loyalty to Jessica, he can’t help but be surprised that he’s drawn to Pamela’s forward nature and starts to wonder if he wants to be with Jessica, who wants to talk about serious things like poetry, nuclear war and other bummer stuff.

Jessica’s friends want the old Jessica back. One day at the mall, the girls discover an upcoming fashion show contest wherein the winner will receive a whole new wardrobe designed by the head designer for Lisette’s. Jessica signs up, but so does Pamela, who happens to be at the mall, too. On the day of the fashion show, Pamela does everything she can to sabotage Jessica, including intentionally catching her bracelet in Jessica’s sequined gown, destroying the zipper teeth on another outfit, and pouring a cup of water on Jessica right before she’s supposed to head onstage in her bathing suit. This last event is the final straw, and Jessica loses it at her, unleashing holy hell. The curtain opens on them mid-tirade, and the owner of the store is so impressed with Jessica’s spunk that she declares her the winner. Pamela runs off, and A.J. decides he really likes this version of Jessica, so the two continue dating.

The B-Plot: There really isn’t one. There’s some rumbling about an upcoming dance performance and chatter about who the best dancer is at SVH, and people keep mentioning a sophomore named Jade Wu. It’s all set up for the next book.

“I was thinking about joining the Peace Corps myself. I’m definitely for peace,” she added fervently.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks
– Fashion Show Contest at the Mall

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– Jessica attends a save the whales meeting
– Elizabeth is still playing the recorder. We’ll take any continuity we can get.
– Pamela drives a white Mercedes convertible
– Lila and Amy go to the library to photocopy things from an encyclopedia. Kids, ask your grandparents.
– The clothes at the fashion show include an “Outback” style denim dress

Pop Culture:
– Emily Dickinson
– Walt Whitman
– Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
– (Re-mentions) Splendor in the Grass, You Can’t Take it With You

Absolutely losing my mind at the title of the German edition: Help – Jessica is Flipping Out!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Look, I’m going to level with you all: I think A.J. Morgan is boring, and I cannot believe that this mayonnaise dude has two beautiful (evil genius) girls fighting over him. Like, he’s not worth it, y’all! Join together and take over the world instead of trying to outsmart one another so that you can be on the arm of the world’s most mediocre man.

I also don’t fully understand what message or moral the book is going for here. I think it’s trying to hammer home the idea that it’s important to be true to yourself? Everyone misses the old Jessica and wants her back. At one point, Elizabeth reminisces fondly about how the old Jessica was a scheming, manipulative person, which I guess is supposed to be charming but doesn’t quite land? But one could make the argument that the only person who is being who they truly are here is Pamela, and she’s vilified for it.

So being a manipulative mastermind who will stop at nothing to get what she wants is only virtuous if you’re a blond identical twin who is also a perfect size six? Very cool!

SVH #46: Decisions (Revisited)

“Don’t worry,” Robin said.  “Every time I go to diving practice and see myself in a bathing suit, I say, ‘Don’t eat–don’t eat.’ So far it’s worked.”

The original cover, circa 1988

Details: Originally published in June 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 165 pages.

Summary/Overview: Robin Wilson has inexplicably applied early decision to Sarah Lawrence and been accepted, even though she’s only a junior. She’s feeling ambivalent about this achievement, and it’s clear that it’s been pushed by her mother and her aunt, who has offered to pay Robin’s tuition there. Robin hasn’t told her boyfriend George because it would mean a cross-country separation, and she’s unsure if he’ll take that news well (spoiler: he will not). When George does find out, he blows up at her, and Robin assumes that her best friend Annie Whitman told him, so she blows up at her. It’s a whole mess, especially because Liz is the one who spilled the beans, albeit accidentally.

Robin is in a full tail spin about the entire thing, which is bad timing, because she’s got a big diving championship coming up. Her performance suffers as her anxiety about the decision increases, and these things are compounded by a visit from her rich and pushy aunt, who seems to have opinions on basically everything. Robin’s aunt tells her that it’s Sarah Lawrence (and it’s next year) or nothing: she will either pay for Robin’s tuition or she won’t, and it’s completely on her terms. She also shit talks diving and athletics in a weird turn of events.

At the meet, Robin bombs the first dive until she sees George in the audience and gains the confidence she needs to put in a good performance. She crushes it, impressing everyone (including her aunt), and her coach tells her she might have a shot at an athletic scholarship when she’s ready for school. Everyone makes up. All is well, except for me – I am extremely unwell at how stupid this book is.

The B-Plot: Jessica needs pocket money, so she gets a job babysitting for a little girl whose brother turns out to be a total hottie. The problem is that he’s way more interested in practicing music than he is in Jessica, so she decides to take up music, too. She settles on playing the recorder, even though she’s terrible at it. When she finally gets his attention, he tells her he’d be thrilled to date her when he’s finished with his degree in a few years. Meanwhile, Liz discovers that she’s great at the recorder and takes it up as a hobby after keeping her talent from Jessica out of fear she’d be jealous or something. This book is bullshit.

“And what’s this I hear about your diving?” she continued. “Honestly, Robin. I had no idea that you wanted to be an athlete, of all things.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2-3 weeks
– Diving championship

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– The wooden recorder Jessica looks at is $300, which would be about $750 in today’s inflation (lolsob)
– Robin has two brothers, which feels like extremely new information
– Lila travels with an oriental rug for the beach
– Mention of the Cote d’Or, a fancy restaurant in Malvina

Pop Culture:
– “Greensleeves” and “Jolly Miller” are mentioned as songs
– Mozart, Debussy
– Brahm’s “Lullaby”

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, no. No, this one does not hold up. Not a single thing in this book makes any damn sense! You don’t just apply to college “early decision” as a junior. That’s not even what that phrase means! Having perfect grades would also not qualify you to leave high school early – there’s never any mention of Robin having taken extra credits to allow her to graduate a year before the rest of her class. None of this makes any sense, and then when you couple this with the fact that her aunt seems to be insisting that Robin either go to Sarah Lawrence next year or not at all, it’s like find a basement in hell. Why couldn’t Robin get the money to attend the school in another year, when she would be graduating with her class? We don’t know, because it’s never mentioned!

Then there’s the fact that George behaves like a total asshole, making demands of Robin that he really has no right to. I get that teens don’t want to break up when their significant other moves across the country, but twisting it around into something that he blows up at her over is really weird and honestly pretty alarming? It’s all for naught, too, because Robin decides to finish high school and also not go to Sarah Lawrence, so…

Anyway, I hated this one!

SVH #45: Family Secrets (Revisited)

“You know,” Jessica muttered, “it’s pretty mind-boggling to think I’m helping to fix Nicholas Morrow up with someone else. Even if she is my cousin.”

The original cover

Details: Originally published in April 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages.

Summary/Overview: Kelly Bates, cousin to Elizabeth and Jessica (her mom is Alice’s sister), is coming to stay with the Wakefields. She’s having trouble adjusting to her new family situation, because her mom is getting remarried to a man who has children of his own. Apparently Kelly is staying for a while, because they enroll her in classes at Sweet Valley High. The twins are thrilled and decide to play up the fact that Kelly looks a lot like them by dressing alike and messing with everyone. Before Kelly arrives, Alice warns the twins to not say anything disparaging about Kelly’s dad, even though they’ve always been told he’s kind of a deadbeat.

Kelly arrives and hits it off with the kids at school and catches the attention of Kirk Anderson, who she becomes immediately smitten with, despite the gentle warnings from the twins and basically everyone else that he’s not a very nice boy. The twins were hoping to set her up with Nicholas Morrow, but Kelly only has eyes for Kirk. He asks her to be his date for the upcoming costume contest and dance at the country club and she says yes, even though she’s also agreed to go with Nicholas. She doesn’t bother cancelling her plans with Nicholas, either.

All Kelly can talk about in the days leading up to her birthday is the arrival of her father, whom she completely adores. She brags about him letting her do whatever she wants when she’s with him, and she plans to ask him to move closer to Sweet Valley so she can stay and live with him instead of her mom. On the night of her birthday, her dad shows up super late, doesn’t bring a present, and stays for about five minutes before claiming he has to rush back to L.A. for a client dinner. Kelly is crushed but still can’t admit that he might be a complete piece of shit.

The twins and Kelly decide on a group costume for the party: they’ll go as the “no-evil” monkeys (as in see-no, speak-no, hear-no), and spend a bunch of time working on their costumes. At the dance, their costumes are a hit, and it isn’t long before Kirk has convinced her to blow the popsicle stand and go hang out at Miller’s Point. Once there, he cracks a beer open and tries to have sex with her, not taking no for an answer until she literally fights him off and kicks him in the shins. Enraged, he throws his bottle at some rocks, and the sound of glass breaking triggers a long-repressed childhood memory of why her mom left her dad. She runs home crying, and Kelly’s mom gets on a plane to come get her. She’s going back to Tucson.

The B-Plot: None to speak of.

“Yeah, that’s why you wanted to wear a leotard,” Elizabeth teased. She tossed the ball back into the water. “You just want to show off that gorgeous body of yours.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Kelly’s 17th (??) birthday
– Costume contest/dance at the country club

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– Costumes at the party include Pirate (Kirk), “traditional” Mexican girl (Sandy), Donald Duck (Ken), Princess Diana (Lila), dirty wino (Jeffrey), Rita Hayworth (Susan Stewart), Hippie (Enid), a bunch of grapes (Winston)
– Store name alert: Sport Zone and Book Worm are mentioned
– Steven has been up in Puget Sound doing a “term project”

Pop Culture:
– Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
– 3 little pigs/3 Musketeers/3 blind mice
– Tess of the D’Ubervilles
– Ernie/Sesame Street
– Gourmet magazine

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Woof, I don’t know. I know that these books are not known for their nuance (and that I’m beating a dead horse at this point), but nothing about the plot here makes much sense. If Kelly is having trouble adjusting to changes in her home life, why would the answer be shipping her across the country to live with people she hasn’t seen in nearly a decade? How would that help her get used to her new stepfather and step-siblings? Also, we’re just pulling teens out of their school in the middle of the year and plopping them into a new school for just a couple of months without a moment’s hesitation? ALSO ALSO: wouldn’t Kelly’s mom have to come and actually enroll her, or are Alice and Ned being granted legal guardianship over her? I know I’m overthinking this, but it’s very weird to me, and it’s more fun to think about these giant plot holes than it is to think about the situation with her dad, which is a huge bummer.

There’s no nuance in these books when it comes to plot or characters, but even so, Kelly’s dad makes my skin crawl. The truth is that though he’s underdeveloped and probably a bit of a caricature, the way he behaves when he finally deigns to show up for her birthday (a scene that still makes absolutely no sense to me in terms of logistics) isn’t that far off the mark from how I’ve seen m*n act in real life. So, there’s that.

The only other thing worth touching on here: Nicholas Morrow asks Kelly to go to the dance with him, and she accepts before also accepting Kirk’s offer. The twins ask Kelly to make sure to tell Nicholas her plans change, and she never does this, and it’s never brought up again. Then it appears Nicholas doesn’t show up at the dance at all? Did this plot point just get dropped?

SVH #44: Pretenses (Revisited)

Jessica frowned. Abbie, a sweet-tempered brunette who had never spent much time with Jessica or any of her friends since ninth grade, suddenly seemed to be everywhere.

Why is Steven in a full on suit here?

Details: Originally published in February 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Steven Wakefield is coming home for a few weeks to get extensive allergy tests done. The fact that it appears to be the middle of a semester doesn’t seem to matter, nor does the fact that he could absolutely commute for his doctor’s appointments – this book is not concerned with logic, only with incredibly stupid plot points. Cara is excited that he’ll be home; lately she’s felt as though they aren’t as close as they once were. Jessica gloms onto this insecurity and tells Cara that she needs to inject some mystery into their relationship. In all honesty, the only mystery I have (and want) in my own relationship is the mystery of why my husband takes so long in the bathroom, but this book seems to mean something different.

Cara is also throwing herself a birthday party months after her birthday because she feels like she didn’t get it right the first time, so she invites a bunch of her friends and Steven to have a fancy lunch at a restaurant. She’s excited about it and talks about it in front of Abbie Richardson, who she then doesn’t invite. Abbie feels really sad when she realizes she was snubbed, and when she gives Cara the present she bought her, Cara is mortified, as she honestly should be.

Meanwhile, Cara grows frustrated by the fact that Steve is still acting snappish, withdrawn, and generally avoidant. Abbie has been spending a lot of time at the Wakefield’s house (more on that in the B-plot), and Steven finds that Abbie is a sympathetic listener. Jessica sees this and convinces herself that Abbie’s trying to “steal” Cara’s man, and this plot is stretched to the limits of credulity when Jessica convinces herself that it’s true because she sees Steve reading a letter on pink stationery and goes to the mall to interrogate a cashier about who they sold pink stationary to. Despite the cashier absolutely not remembering, Jessica is sure it’s Abbie.

The real reason that Steven’s been upset is not only that he’s legitimately suffering from allergies, but also because he’s started receiving anonymous love letters on the same stationery that Tricia Martin had used before she died. When Jessica and Elizabeth tell him that they think it’s Abbie, they all confront her. It isn’t her, and she cries about the fact that they could ever think she’d do a thing. Then they discover that it’s been Cara sending the letters, trying to add an air of mystery to their relationship (how, I’m still unsure), and then they all go to Abbie’s to apologize for her. Steven and Cara make up.

The B-Plot: The Oracle has seen its readership dip lately, and they decide to drum up interest by running a contest for a comedy column. Amy Sutton applies with a Miss Manners type of feature, and Abbie submits a comic about a girl named Jenny that is apparently very funny. Abbie ends up winning with the help of Elizabeth, and she’s thrilled to join the staff.

Jessica giggled. “Maybe you’re allergic to college. You come home often enough.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Cara’s fake birthday party
– Comedy contest for The Oracle

Trivia:
– Steven’s college is 45 minutes away in this one. So it’s moved closer.
– Cara holds her fake birthday party at the Marine House
– Abbie’s middle name is Bain
– Steven is found to be allergic to mold, dust, grass, and a bunch of other things

Pop Culture:
– David Letterman
– Johnny Carson
– Miss Manners
– The Lakers and the Celtics

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
I mean, no? The stakes here are as low as ever, the way that poor Abbie Richardson is shoe-horned into the world of Sweet Valley despite never having been mentioned before is deeply weird, and she’s honestly too good for all of these goobers. She does really nice things for basically everyone here, and everyone is so quick to turn on her. It sucks.

That said, there’s this wild moment in the stationery store (the Pen and Paper Store – the writers have really given up on naming things) where the clerk says that the purchaser might have been a girl with brown hair, and Jessica is like, “It was absolutely Abbie” and it’s honestly the most unhinged jump to a conclusion I’ve ever seen? Like the way that Jessica did the mental gymnastics to get to there was incredible, and I had the thought that if Jessica were a real person alive today, she’d absolutely be deep into the Q Anon rabbit hole. What a time to be alive!

SVH #43: Hard Choices (Revisited)

“Well, for one thing, I think he asks too many personal questions,” her grandmother said in a hoarse whisper. She cast a glance in the direction of the kitchen. “And the way he drinks – didn’t you notice? I think he’s probably an alcoholic.”

The original cover, circa 1988. Can anyone tell me WHAT Enid is wearing?

Details: Originally published January 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid’s excited about her grandmother coming to live with her and her mother Adele. Mrs. Langevin, as she’s referred to throughout the book, is apparently a ton of old lady spunky fun. Both Enid and her mom go out of their way to make Nana feel welcome; Enid even moves her stuff up to the attic so that Nana can have her room on the house’s main floor. But when Mrs. Langevin arrives, she’s a shell of her former self. She’s frail, withdrawn, and needy.

For a while, both Adele and Enid do their best to accommodate her needs. Enid ends up bearing the brunt of this: she has to cancel plans with her boyfriend Hugh and bail on helping Elizabeth with a documentary project (more on that in the B-plot); and things get worse for her when her grandma tells her that Hugh is the wrong boy for her and that all her friends suck.

Things boil over on a Saturday night, when Adele has made plans to attend an important work event with her boyfriend Richard and Enid is supposed to attend the documentary premiere at the Wakefield house. Nana refuses to have a stranger come stay with her and then claims that she can’t be left alone in case she gets sick. Adele tells Enid she’ll have to stay, and that’s when Enid loses it: she blows up at her grandmother and tells her what a holy terror she’s being, and then she rushes off to the premiere.

There, she confides in Elizabeth about what’s been going on and then freaks out about leaving her grandmother alone. When she returns to the house, she’s surprised to find her grandma making cookies. The two eat cookies, have a heart-to-heart, and when Adele arrives back home, Nana announces she’s going back to Chicago. Okay…?

The B-Plot: Jackson Croft, famous film director, has announced a student documentary film contest. Elizabeth decides to enter with a piece called “This is Sweet Valley,” and she enlists the help of Jessica, Jeffrey, and Enid to create the film. They premiere it at the Wakefield’s house to massive success.

Her grandmother held up her hand. “I thought so the other day when they were here, too, but I didn’t want to say anything. Especially that Liz. She seems very bossy to me, ordering everyone around.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Documentary film contest
– Enid’s nana moves in from Chicago
– Movie premiere/party at the Wakefield house

Trivia:
– The library has a large print book exchange with other libraries in the state
– Jeremy Frank from “Frankly Speaking” gets another shout-out here
– The Droids perform a song called “Meltdown”

Pop Culture:
– Superbowl
– Edward Lear

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)

I mean, this holds up in terms of being memorable for how incredibly ageist it manages to be while also creating the world’s most annoying grandma. The emotional manipulation that the character Mrs. Langevin engages in is truly something to behold. It’s not subtle, but it is effective in irritating both the characters around her and me, the reader. I wanted to shake the old biddy more than once.

The problem is that the story can’t seem to get consistent about what’s going on. Either Enid and Adele can’t leave her alone, or they can – but the book picks and chooses whenever it’s convenient for the plot. Adele works away from the home all day, and Enid is in school, so ostensibly Mrs. Langevin is home alone then, but leaving her by herself for a few hours while they both attend events on a weekend night is impossible? They can’t leave her alone because she “might” get sick? Excuse me, what?

What’s so funny is that the dramatic tension is already there without this absolutely hackneyed plot point. Enid is feeling strained trying to balance supporting her grandma and having a social life, and Adele is obviously stressed about managing a household, her job, a fairly new relationship, and the arrival of her mother, but the book doesn’t provide any nuance for this and instead just makes Mrs. Langevin into an irrational toddler until she does an abrupt about-face and then…leaves? Will we ever see her again?

SVH #38: Leaving Home (Revisited)

“Gag,” Jessica said, getting up to look in the cupboards. “No wonder this girl didn’t make it to maturity. She sounds like she was more of a saint than a human being.”

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in July 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages

Summary/Overview: Elizabeth decides she wants to go to school in Switzerland. There’s a boarding school there called the Interlochen School (not the one in Michigan, I guess), and it has a strong focus on writing and literature. Luckily, there’s also a scholarship for teenage girls between the ages of 15-17 who live in California, and so Liz decides to apply. The application process is pretty rigorous, including letters of recommendation, writing samples, and two different character interviews, including one with the applicant’s family (weird).

To say that her friends and family are jazzed about this entire thing would be an overstatement. While Jeffrey and Enid decide to be supportive, Jessica and Steven decide to actively try to sabotage the application. Jeffrey and Enid work on a scrapbook, devoting so much time to it that Liz thinks they’re secretly hooking up behind her back. Meanwhile, Jess and Steven act like fools during the family interview and Jess does a #twinswitch and pretends to be Liz at school, even going so far as to hit on the interviewer in a scene that has not aged well at all!

Liz finds out what her siblings have been doing and has an absolute meltdown about it. While she’s in the middle of screaming at them, the interviewer shows up at her house (???) and offers her the scholarship, telling her that they came clean about their scheme. Jeffrey and Enid show up with the scrapbook and Liz realizes that the magic of Sweet Valley is better magic than the magic of Switzerland, or something, and decides to stay, turning down the scholarship. Okay!

The B-Plot: Winston buys a lottery ticket and decides to throw a “Get Rich Quick” party because he’s certain he’s going to win. Then he accidentally switches jackets with a poor old man at the convenience store and ends up with that man’s lottery ticket – and it’s the winner! He goes back and forth about what to do before finally returning the winning ticket to its rightful owner, and everyone calls him a hero. I’m so bored.

“Dad!” Elizabeth shrieked. “He’ll think we have a broken family or something.”

The German cover, translated to “Jessica and her Thousand Tricks”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks
– Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s
– Beach Disco
– Scholarship application process for Liz

Trivia:
– More brand-name madness: Diet Coke and Oreos are mentioned
– The Droids have a “hit” song called “Something Sure”
– According to this one, Steve’s school is an hour away?
– Jeffrey’s birthday is July 12

Pop Culture:
– Star Trek

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)
This is not one of the better Sweet Valley High novels. I don’t think that any reader of this series thought for a second that Elizabeth was actually going to move to Switzerland, so the stakes feel pretty low throughout the book. I’m not crazy about a book that goes heavy on an Enid subplot, either. And the way that Jessica and Steven act throughout this book doesn’t just strain credulity, it actively annoys. The whole thing is a boring bummer.

This one sucks and was boring.

SVH #37: Rumors (Revisited)

Jessica stared at Lila, open-mouthed. “Nobodies! Come on! Susan probably is a somebody, and you know it. I mean first of all, she lives with that woman who takes care of her, and nobody knows who her mother is, except that she obviously sends a lot of money. Susan wears the most incredible clothes.”

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in May 1987. Paperback, 167 pages.

Summary/Overview: Susan Stewart is a very nice girl at Sweet Valley High who lives with her aunt/guardian, Helen Reister. She has never known her parentage, but has been promised to be informed of this on her 18th birthday. The story is that her mother sends lots of money each month, and so most of the kids at school think her mother might be someone rich, important, and/or famous. Her rich boyfriend Gordon Stoddard thinks so, and he invites her to the prestigious Bridgewater Ball.

Lila also plans to attend the ball, but she doesn’t have a date, so she decides to spread a rumor about Susan’s real mother being in an insane asylum. The story has legs, it runs through the school, and Gordon drops Susan like a hot potato. The only person at school who shows her any kindness (besides Saint Elizabeth) is Allen Walters, who has been nursing a crush on her. They make plans for a date the same night of the ball.

The thing is, Aunt Helen is really Susan’s mother, and she’s been keeping it from her daughter all these years because of shame of being a single unwed mother. But when famous director Jackson Croft shows up on their doorstep and asks to see his daughter, Helen comes clean to Susan. The three of them have a very weird conversation about it that’s incredibly melodramatic.

Croft is in town because he’s holding open auditions for his next movie. The twins go to the auditions (Jessica because she wants to become famous, Liz because she wants to interview him about his charity work), and he reveals that he’s Susan’s father. This news elevates Susan’s social capital, and Gordon tries to get back together with her. Susan rebuffs his advances. Lila is also pissed about this, because Gordon had agreed to go to the ball with her in the meantime, and she dumps a soda on his head. Susan and Allen start dating.

The B-Plot: Jessica is studying female reproduction in health class, and she connects a couple of coincidences between her reading and Alice’s behavior. This leads her to believe her mother is pregnant. Liz and Jess try to get their mom to admit to this fact instead of just asking her, and I guess this is supposed to be funny. It’s mostly boring, and it turns out that Alice isn’t pregnant, and the strange conversations the twins have been catching between their parents are about whether or not they can leave the twins home alone for a month while they go on vacation. Okay!

Google tells me this is “West Frisian,” a Germanic language. It also tells me this translates to “The Flood of Rumors”

With a heavy sigh, Jessica shook her head. “Honestly. When mom looked at us and said, ‘Which one of you is in trouble?’ I nearly died.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Bridgewater Ball
– Casting call for major motion picture in Sweet Valley
– Beach Disco

Trivia:
– Bridgewater is about 20 miles from Sweet Valley and is supposedly famous for the amount of rich people who reside there
– Bridgewater Ball Theme: Tales from Vienna
– Ms. Rice is the health teacher at SVH
– Lots of name-brand food in this one: Diet Coke and Doritos are mentioned

Pop Culture:
– Splendor in the Grass
– Glamour

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

Woof. This is a rough run of the series, isn’t it? I simply do not care about Susan Stewart and her “problems,” and I do not care about Alice maybe being pregnant again. The result is that this book was a boring slog (and it’s longer than most of the others, clocking in at 167 pages!), and I just wanted it to be over with.

But in terms of this holding up? Absolutely not! I have truly never grasped the entire premise of this one, which is that Susan’s mother was ashamed of being an unwed mother, so she pretended to be Susan’s…unwed aunt who was raising her? I don’t get it! I know it was a DiFfErEnT tImE, but, like, even in an era when unwed mothers were looked down on, I don’t see how it’s better for an unwed “aunt” to do it instead? It’s so weird?

Truthfully, Susan should be worrying less about who her mother is and focusing on the fact that she’s kind of a big dumb-dumb. They look related and she’s never able to piece together the fact that her mom is her mom, even after Jackson Croft comes to their house and says, “I’m your father.” She’s standing in a room with both her parents and she still asks, “But who is my mom?” Girl, what?

What’s weirder is that when Jackson Croft announces he’s her father, all the worry about having an unwed mother seems to go out the window? I guess it’s fine if you’re unmarried if your father is a famous movie director? Make it make sense!

SVH #36: Last Chance (Revisited)

Peter stared at her, then turned back to the road. “Yes,” he said. “Or her choice.” He was quiet for a minute. “You don’t seem like the sort,” he added strangely…”You know, the sort who cares about using ‘his’ instead of ‘hers.’ That sort of thing.”

Girl, RUN.

Original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in April 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 136 pages. There’s an ad in the back of my copy for a new book series called All that Glitters, about the behind the scenes on a soap opera.

Summary/Overview:

Johanna Porter, sister to Julie, has decided to return to school after dropping out shortly before her mom’s death. Everyone at Sweet Valley is all atwitter with the news of her return, and she is nervous to be back and embarrassed to be starting as a junior when her classmates are all seniors. She struggles with her classes at first, enlisting the help of Liz when it comes to English. She soon finds her stride when it comes to math and science, though, and it isn’t long before she bumps into her longtime crush, Peter DeHaven. When he asks her to come with him to Las Palmas Canyon, she says yes, ignoring the fact that he’s been dating Amy Sutton, and turning a blind eye to the fact that he might have only asked her because Amy has gone out of town. They kiss, and she is certain he’ll dump Amy when she returns.

Of course, he does not do this. Instead, he basically ignores Johanna at school until she confronts him. He tells her that he has to break up with Amy gradually, and she believes this, even though he makes no indication of actually making strides to do this. She confides in both her sister and in Liz, who both express a little concern about the fact that he’s definitely still dating Amy. Liz immediately tells Jessica, who promises not to tell Amy but then does when Amy does something to annoy her. Amy freaks out on Peter, who swears it’s untrue. He breaks up with Johanna via a note in her locker, and she contemplates quitting school again.

Amy throws a pre-dance party before the big PTA dance, but everyone is mad at everyone else. When Amy insults Johanna at the party and Peter says nothing, Liz gives him the business, calling out his shitty behavior. He acts chagrined and thinks about apologizing to Johanna. When he tries one of her suggestions on his computer program for an upcoming science contest, he’s shocked when it works and it wins him the competition. When he goes to ask Johanna to celebrate with him, he’s surprised to find that Johanna has found some self esteem. Her epiphany included the realization that she should go back to school for herself. She excels at school.

The B-Plot: Jessica has decided that Cara and Steven have been going steady for too long and decides to spice things up by breaking them up. She drops hints that they might both be seeing other people and causes a fight between the two of them. They take separate dates to the dance (unclear why Steven is at a high school dance, as usual) and then realize they’ve been played and get back together. I am bored.

Amy shuddered. “How could you? Couldn’t you at least do a little better than Johanna Porter? The girl can barely spell her own name!”

The German cover, translates as “The Love Story of the Year?” which feels…ambitious

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– PTA dance
– Party at Amy Sutton’s
– Southern California Science Fair

Trivia:
– Peter has been admitted early decision to MIT
– The Porter sisters have musician parents: a (dead) opera singer mother and a symphony violinist father
– Cara takes Ken Matthews to the dance while Steven attends with Eve

Pop Culture:
– Robert Redford
– Vogue
– NOVA

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

A bit of inside-baseball as it relates to this here blog, before we get into the “analysis”: I was so far ahead in my Sweet Valley reading that I had posts scheduled for all of May, and so I took a little break that ended up being a month-long break, and now I’m scrambling to keep up with my twice-a-week posting schedule. This is, of course, in addition to having a full time job, doing household stuff, and reading books other than Sweet Valley. I’m hopeful that I can keep up the pace, but we’ll see.

That said: I read this in one sitting, because I knew that if I didn’t, I would never get through this book. I remembered exactly nothing about this one before picking it up this time, and upon finishing it, I can see why: it’s another case of an incredibly boring plot being coupled with characters that we absolutely do not care about, nor will we invest in!

First things first: dump! this! man! This is literally just a man, ladies! Y’all are fighting over a bag of garbage and don’t even know it! There’s nothing appealing about Peter, and even when the book takes a weird turn and gives us Peter’s perspective for a weird little detour, he basically thinks “I probably should ask Johanna some questions about her interests” and then goes back to whatever he was doing. That doesn’t count, buddy!

Can someone explain to me how Johanna’s decision to stay in school got tied to the absolute mansplaining nightmare that is Peter DeHaven? I get that this is supposed to be an after-school special about the dangers of high school dropouts, but Johanna’s low self-esteem seemed to be tied to so many things other than Peter. I also kept scratching my head about how she went on and on about her family only caring about music and not about her interest in STEM, when research has shown forever that the two subjects are tied together and talent in one often leads to success in the other. The entire thing was very yikes?

Also, Amy Sutton is the absolute worst. There’s no nuance here. While Jessica often acts like a complete sociopath, she does have moments where she seems human. There isn’t anything about Amy that makes me feel the same way.

SVH #34: Forbidden Love (Revisited)

“Oh, you wouldn’t understand,” Maria said quickly. “You and Jeffrey haven’t known each other all that long. And you two don’t have a real commitment to each other yet.”

“That’s true,” Elizabeth said, secretly annoyed.

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published January 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 138 pages.

Summary/Overview: Maria Santelli and Michael Harris have been dating, but since their parents have been feuding and they’ve been forbidden to see one another, they’ve been doing so in secret. They decide their parents will take them seriously if they can show them they’re serious about one another, so they get engaged – ring and all – and decide to keep it a secret until the right moment. But then Maria tells basically the entire school, and Lila and Jessica decide to throw a surprise engagement party for them.

They move forward with this even though Elizabeth tells them that she thinks it’s a bad idea. Meanwhile, Maria starts to worry about her relationship with Michael, which seems to be rapidly fraying in the wake of their engagement. Michael demands more of her time and seems to be irritated that she’s helping Winston Egbert with his student council campaign. The two butt heads over this and other things, and things come to an absolute boiling point at the engagement party at Lila’s. They’re both horrified to find themselves the center of attention at the party, but when Maria dances with Winston, Michael flies off the handle and announces that he’s also running for an election that’s literally days away.

Maria gives Michael his ring back and tells him that she thinks they’ve made a mistake. She heads out onto the Fowler grounds to find Winston, who has run off. Meanwhile, The Santelli and the Harris parents have discovered that their teenage children are at an engagement party thrown in their honor, and they set aside their years-long vague business feud to rush to the party and talk to their children. Michael realizes that he and Maria love each other but acted badly. The two families make up, Maria and Michael realize their relationship is done, and Maria and Winston admit they have feelings for one another. A week later, Winston wins the student council election.

Swedish cover: Love, with Obstacles

The B-Plot: In what is surely pure coincidence, the kids in Mr. Jaworski’s social studies class are participating in a two-week project where they’ll pair up with a member of the opposite sex and be assigned a fake income and family situation. The idea is that they’ll learn how to budget and plan for their futures. Liz gets paired with Bruce, Jessica gets paired with Winston, Lila ends up with Bill (who she finds dull, which is incredibly relatable), and Maria and Michael end up paired together, even though Michael is a senior and would not be in the class. Whatever!

The duos bicker over spending money and housing, and it serves as a way to exacerbate the problems between Maria and Michael, who have completely different visions for their futures and how they want to raise children. The lesson at the end is that marriage is hard but it’s harder without love (seriously).

“Why not?” Jessica asked gaily, cutting herself a piece of cake. “I’m sure it was just a little spat,” she added. “It happens on my favorite soap all the time. No engagement counts unless it’s been broken at least twice.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Engagement party for Maria and Michael at Lila’s
– Student Council election (Winston wins)

Trivia:
– Michael works part time as a mechanic
– The Droids premiere a song written for Maria & Michael called “Hold on Tight”
– A rare moment of continuity has Lila mentioning her cousin from Kennebunkport, Christopher
– TYPO alert: Roger Patman is referred to Roger Collins in a scene where he’s dancing with Olivia

Pop Culture:
– Romeo & Juliet (duh)
– Vogue, Bride’s magazine
– The Newlywed Game

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
I mean, it holds up in that it’s boring trash! Truly, I don’t know what to say about the whole “teenagers get engaged in secret” thing because it just feels so weird and so far-fetched? It’s especially weird because it doesn’t seem like either of these dumb-dumbs is religious or particularly interested in sex (literally never even alluded to), which might be factors for such a young marriage situation. Yes, teenagers are impulsive, etc., but I am just not buying any of this!

The thing that really struck me on this read-through is how thoroughly stupid and offensive this social studies project is! I know it was the 80s, but pairing up teens according to their sex so that they can simulate a heterosexual marriage and, like, make a budget is so gross! There’s probably some great skills within the project that kids need (learning how to budget, having them research what apartments cost, figuring out what kinds of skills/training they’d need for careers, etc.) but framing it within the confines of a heterosexual relationship is just so unnecessary? I HATE IT.