SVH #41: Outcast (Revisited)

Although she hated to admit it, Elizabeth was slightly skeptical of Jessica’s desire to do something to honor Regina’s memory…Jessica often got carried away with good intentions on the spur of the moment, then forgot them just as quickly.

The original cover with some unreal hairstyles, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in October of 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 152 pages.

Summary/Overview:
Everyone is still really sad about Regina’s tragic death, and instead of processing it, everyone has decided to blame Molly Hecht, the girl who threw the party, instead of Buzz, the drug dealer, or Regina herself, or myriad other people who might be at least partially culpable. At any rate, Molly has been fully ostracized by everyone at school and also by her parents who also blame her for Regina’s death. Very cool parenting! When Molly begs Elizabeth for help, she brushes her off. But then she feels bad about it and realizes that Molly might actually need help, so she tries to get Molly’s former best friend Justin Belson to help, but he refuses. Elizabeth is dogged, though, and she tells him that she’ll help him with his English essay if he talks to Molly. This back and forth goes on for a while, but he finally relents.

Meanwhile, Buzz the drug dealer contacts Molly and the two meet at Kelly’s where he gets her drunk and high and then makes out with her. Her convinces her that they should run away to Mexico together, but they’ll need money. Molly volunteers her entire life savings (about $2300), but when she goes to the bank to withdraw the money, Elizabeth spots her and figures out what’s going on.

She and Justin try to confront Molly at her house, but she’s already on her way to meet Buzz at Kelly’s. Liz stays behind to call the police while Justin chases after the two. There’s an altercation where Buzz tries to attack Justin with a knife but Justin beats him off with a stick and then knocks him out. The police arrive, Molly cries, and all is well, I guess. Molly decides to turn her life around.

The B-Plot: Jessica decides that she wants to honor Regina’s legacy and comes up with a plan for PBA to create a scholarship fund for kids at SVH who have “overcome a handicap or hardship.” They plan a bunch of different events, including a dance marathon, to help raise money for the fund. Ned offers to be the administrator of the account.

If her loss inspires students at Sweet Valley High to say no to drugs, then Regina will not have died in vain.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week
– PBA meeting

The Swedish edition with a literal translated title.

Trivia:
– According to an inflation calculator, Molly’s life savings would be closer to $6,000 today
– Another deployment of an Edna St. Vincent Millay poem

Pop Culture:
– Hamlet
– Romeo and Juliet
– Robert Redford

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):
I often give Ma and Pa Wakefield a hard time about what bad parents they are, but they’re overshadowed in this one by Molly’s parents, who say this to her after the death of a classmate: “No, Molly.  You’re staying in Sweet Valley, and you’re going to go to school every single day.  You’re going to face those kids and take it, and you’re not staying home sick or or dropping out or moving away.  You’re going to stay and take what’s coming to you.”

Fucking yikes! Should Molly face consequences for throwing a party when her parents were out of town? Absolutely! Should her parents be speaking to their clearly traumatized daughter like this? Absolutely not! Nothing in this book felt particularly realistic (the characterization was even thinner than usual, to be honest), but the absolute lack of compassion of her parents is really troubling.

It also seems to be sending a weird message about teens who use drugs, too: kids who come from “good” families are the ones whose loss we should mourn. The ones who come from “bad” families have it coming. Or something. There’s probably more to unpack there, but the fact that I made it through this book at all is nothing short of a miracle.

SVH Super Edition #4: Malibu Summer (Revisited)

“Men,” Jessica said moodily. “Lila, you sound like you’re about twenty-five. Aren’t you interested in just plain boys anymore?”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published in July 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 200 pages.

Summary/Overview: It is summer (yet again) in Sweet Valley, and Jessica convinces Liz to give up an internship with the Sweet Valley News and instead spend the summer with her and Lila working in Malibu as a mother’s helper. As part of the deal, Liz makes Jessica do all the organizing of the jobs, and Jessica ends up placing herself with the Sargents, who have a three month old named Sam (because they’re related to her latest musician crush, Tony Sargent), and gives Liz the job with the Bennets, who live in a mansion right on the water and have a sullen six-year-old daughter named Taryn.

Summer romance blooms. Lila falls for a guy named Ben Horgan who turns out to be only 15, embarrassing her. Jessica immediately falls in love with a cute guy named Cliff Sherman, who happens to live next door to the Bennets. Jessica tries to get Liz to switch jobs with her (the Sargent home is tiny and she wants to be near Cliff), but Liz refuses. She does agree to babysit Sam one night for Jessica, though, and that’s the night that the Sargent’s house guest, a college-aged guy named Jamie Galbraith, arrives. He and Elizabeth hit it off, but Elizabeth worries that he’s too old for her (he’s twenty-one). Still, they begin to see each other in secret, and it isn’t long before she falls in love with him. Of course, Jamie’s real secret is that he’s Tony Sargent, famous pop star. He’s also only seventeen but is in hiding because he hooked up with a groupie whose ex-boyfriend (Frankie LaSalle) has done time for assault, and is out to get Tony.

A terrible storm hits Malibu, and everything hits the fan all at once. Taryn runs away after hearing her parents argue and ends up on a bridge that’s collapsing in a mudslide. Jessica finds her with the “help” of police, and Jessica is able to rescue her in the nick of time before the bridge fully collapses. However, Taryn is sick and ends up in the hospital, where she is finally reunited with her parents. They’ve realized the errors of their ways and vow to be present parents. Taryn recovers.

Meanwhile, Liz and Jamie end up trapped at the Beach Cafe as the storm rages around them. As the storm abates, Frankie LaSalle storms into the restaurant armed with a knife. There’s a scuffle, and Liz manages to knock Frankie out. But her realization that Jamie is really Tony upset her, and she tells him that they can’t see each other any more.

Liz is sad about her broken heart but attends a Tony Sargent concert with Jessica, Lila, and Cliff. Tony debuts his new song, written especially for Liz, and she thinks about how special their summer romance was.

The Swedish cover, translated to “A Magical Summer”

Elizabeth sighed. “Twenty-one is pretty old, Jamie. My parents would never approve. I know this is going to sound weird to you, but I feel terrible doing something I know they’d consider wrong.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: A month, tops
– Party at Cliff Sherman’s
– Tony Sargent concert

Trivia:
– Tony Sargent’s songs: “You’re On My Mind,” “Tonight is For You, Girl”
– Another mention of LA-based band The Number One

Pop Culture:
– Nina Simone
– Wicked Witch of the West

The reissue, circa 1992

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

I love a “celeb dating a normie” trope in a romance novel, but I have to say that even in a book that’s a good 70+ pages longer than the usual ones in this series, not nearly enough world-building is given to the story of Tony Sargent to make me care at all about what’s going on! I don’t believe that contacts and a hair cut would make him unrecognizable to Jessica, who has been lusting after him for months. I don’t believe that the solution to having an unhinged stalker on the loose is to send Tony to live with his cousin in Malibu! I just don’t buy any of it!

It’s also extremely weird to me that these sixteen year old girls are just allowed to go live with strangers for the summer! The Wakefields were really just like, “Make good choices, ladies,” and that was it? I know the 80s were a different time, but this still seems very weird to me? They’re minors, and at the very least I would assume that the families they’re staying with would have ground rules or something? It’s all very YIKES to me?

SVH #20: Crash Landing! (Revisited)

“Hamburgers are gauche,” Jessica told him. “What I like is called haute cuisine. You guys probably don’t know what that means.”

The original cover, circa 1985. Liz looks great!

Details: Originally published in June 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 151 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid and George are up in a tiny plane after he gets his pilot’s license. Even though George has fallen in love with Robin Wilson, he had promised Enid the first ride and he’s a man of his word. When the plane stalls out, they make an emergency landing in Secca Lake. Enid swims around to rescue an unconscious George and hits her back so hard that she loses feeling. She’s paralyzed!

After surgery to repair a pinched nerve in her back, doctors claim that Enid should be able to walk again with a little physical therapy. But she doesn’t seem to make any progress, and the tighter she holds onto George, the more distant he seems to grow. Elizabeth, of course, knows that this is due in large part because he’s in love with someone else but feels he can’t leave Enid while she’s wheelchair-bound. He takes her to a dance where everyone is extremely weird about the fact that she had the audacity to show up in a chair, and when Enid makes him dance with Robin, she realizes that he has feelings for her but goes into further denial about it all.

Elizabeth decides that it’s time for Enid to start walking again and enlists the help of Teddy Collins, precocious child of Mr. Collins. She invites Enid over while she’s “babysitting” Teddy, and leaves them out by the pool. Teddy pretends to fall in and drown while Elizabeth is in the house, and Enid leaps out of her chair and into the water to rescue him. She’s cured! Everyone cheers.

She realizes she needs to break up with George and the two remain friends.

The B-Plot: Jessica and Lila take a gourmet cooking class and Jessica becomes smitten with the French chef. She’s convinced that he’ll want to date her, even though he’s in his twenties and shows no interest in her whatsoever. On the day she plans to ask him to take her to a high school dance, she meets his wife and aborts the mission. However, she likes cooking and plans an extravagant seafood meal for her family – but accidentally gives them food poisoning by serving them mussels that have gone bad. When she tells her parents she’s planned to cook them a romantic dinner for their anniversary, they demure, and she’s incredibly offended.

“I can’t bear it!” Elizabeth said. “I can’t stand the thought of Enid living like an invalid!”

I couldn’t find a better pic of this (hardcover?) version with the weird red banner over the pic. I hate it!

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4-6 weeks
– Plane crash in Secca Lake (while classmates have a bbq nearby)
– Gourmet cooking class (Jessica and Lila)
– School Dance
– Liz and Todd’s “monthly anniversary” and Ned and Alice’s anniversary

Trivia:
– Jessica wears a cream-colored dress to the dance
– First hint of Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton dating
– In a case of bizarre retconning, we’re given psychopath Jack’s last name: Howard. A bit too late, ghost writers!
– Apparently the twins still plan to be tour guides this summer, a plot point that has not been mentioned in 15 books

Pop Culture:
– Cosmopolitan
– Pillsbury Dough Boy
– Robert Redford

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):

Let’s start with the funniest part of this one: Jessica’s obsession with a French chef who displays absolutely no personality traits whatsoever (but must be hot, I guess), and her absolutely deluded assertion that a man in his mid-twenties would be game for a high school dance (in the school’s gymnasium) with a sixteen-year-old as a date. This has not aged well, if indeed it ever seemed like a good subplot!

Of all the “mysterious medical conditions at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital,” this is certainly one of them! I absolutely believe that the mind is a powerful thing, and that a person could develop a “psychological block” about their physical progress, but all of the stuff about Enid not being able to walk is so incredibly weird! It’s weird that she gave her back a little bump and loses all feelings in her legs, but there’s no indication that she broke anything in her spine. It’s weird that the doctors “operate” on her but the recovery process is basically like, “go home and start walking, kid!” It’s weird that everyone just carts Enid and her wheelchair around with absolutely no training – and I could not stop thinking about the catheter situation that must also have been part of this!

But also, the scene where Enid and George show up at the dance and everyone is extremely weird about it is honestly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read! Lila actually sneers about how inappropriate it is and wonders what Enid will do all night, and I wanted to shake her and say, “IDK, Lila, probably the same thing you’re doing, which is talking a lot of shit and not dancing!”

Weird ableist bullshit, man. Thanks I hate it!

SVH #19: Showdown (Revisited)

“Who’s surprised?” John shrugged. “We both know Sweet Valley High has a hotter gossip circuit than Hollywood.”

The original cover, circa 1985

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in May 1985. Paperback, 151 pages.

Summary: Lila is dating mysterious* construction worker Jack and throws a pool party to show him off to all her friends. When Jessica lays eyes on him, she decides he’s the man for her and does her best to seduce him. It seems to work, at least a little: Jack begins seeing Jessica during the week and Lila on weekends and lies to both of them. Jack proposes to Lila in secret and she is thrilled by this development. I have questions. Liz worries that Jessica’s seeing a bad guy (because who would go out with two girls at once, right?), and tries to warn her, but Jessica is too preoccupied inventing a wild backstory for Jack to notice.

Indeed, most people at SVH are pretty into the rumors about Jack’s background. Though he’s hinted that he comes from money and he’s trying to make his way without his father’s help, he doesn’t actually give Jessica or Lila much to work with. Rumors include Jack being the son of royalty, so people are definitely keeping a firm grip on reality.

Nicholas Morrow is pretty sure he knows Jack from somewhere, but Jack is incredibly evasive during their brief encounters. There are times when Jack seems kind of out of it, with bloodshot eyes and erratic behavior, that people seem to mostly brush off. When Nicholas and his friend from the east coast run into Jack and Jessica at dinner one night, Nicholas finally figures out that he knows him from boarding school. Jack lost his whole family in a boating accident, turned to drugs, and got violent with an ex-girlfriend. He runs to the Wakefield house where he encounters Liz, and she rushes out with him to try to save Jessica, who has gone to Jack’s house.

They arrive in the nick of time: Jessica has discovered Jack’s drug stash and he’s attacked her, holding her hostage by knife point. Nicholas and his friend try to tackle Jack, Jessica gives a “cheerleading” kick and knocks the knife out of his hand. She is rescued.

*”Mysterious” here means that she knows nothing about him, including his last name.

The B-Plot: A mysterious photographer has been capturing “hilarious” shots of people around Sweet Valley, and Elizabeth wants to hire them onto the paper. Through some sleuthing, she figures out that it’s Tina Alaya, newspaper editor Penny’s sister. When she discovers this, she also discovers that Tina has captured an image of George (Enid’s boyfriend) and Robin Wilson in flagrante delicto – the two have been taking private flying lessons and fell for one another. She begs Tina to keep it quiet and confronts George and Robin, who come clean immediately. George plans to tell Enid when he takes her out for their flight after he gets his license.

Losing my mind at this French cover, translated as “It Had to Happen”

It hadn’t looked that way to Elizabeth when she’d studied Tina’s snapshot, but her judgment had been uncharacteristically unreliable lately.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
Pool party at Lila’s house

Trivia:
– Nicholas attended Teela Locca sailing camp in New Hampshire
– Jessica and the number 37: “A hundred and thirty-seven fits”
– Lila brings a butter and caviar sandwich and shrimp salad to school for lunch. Gross.
– Bruce won the Sweet Valley Centennial Committee election over Ken Matthews. If this happened in the last book, my eyes glazed over it.

Pop Culture References:
– The Twilight Zone
– Gentleman’s Quarterly
– Miss Julie
– Help! and The Beatles
– The Police
– Humphrey Bogart & The Maltese Falcon
– Dracula and The Wicked Witch of the West
– Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

Whew. I’ve read this book probably four or five times in my lifetime, and it was only this most recent read-through that something clicked for me: not only do readers not know Jack’s last name; no one knows his last name. It’s not that it isn’t mentioned in the book – it’s that they never bothered with a last name for this character at all. Near the end of the book, Jessica is hunting through Jack’s apartment, trying to find monogrammed cufflinks (relatable) or even a prescription bottle that might contain a hint of “who he was, like his last name,” and I realized that these girls have been fighting over a man whose last name they don’t know. I fully cackled at this realization.

This is so deeply weird to me? Especially since Lila gets engaged to him and doesn’t bother to find out his last name! She wouldn’t want to try out her name with his? Like, she gets engaged and doesn’t once think, “I’ll be Mrs. Lila Jack’s Last Name.” In 1985? I don’t think so, hunnay!

But honestly everything about this one is a mess. The pacing is all over the place – the first two-thirds are so boring and then there’s so much action crammed in the last bit that it gives a reader whiplash. It’s also not just that we don’t know Jack’s last name – we don’t know anything about him, know nothing about his motivations (like why would he be messing around with two sixteen year olds? I guess technically he steals from them, but not enough to really support his drug habit, and it seems like more work than it’s worth), and his escalation at the end strains credulity. I know that the series was still trying to figure out how to make the books more like thrillers at this stage, and we’re certainly seeing an escalation of the stakes here compared with Kidnapped, but it’s still so clumsily done that it’s all very ?????

SVH #3: Playing with Fire (Revisited)

“I heard somewhere that identical twins have identical talents.”

Original cover, circa 1983

Details: Originally published in December 1983 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 149 pages.

Summary: Jessica finally gets the attention of Bruce Patman after they win the Sweet Valley High dance contest, and Elizabeth (and most of Jessica’s friends) are horrified to find that Jessica completely neuters her personality in order to keep Bruce’s attention and affection. What starts as an exciting dalliance quickly devolves into waiting by the phone for Bruce to call. Bruce doesn’t take Jessica out so much as he takes her to the beach to fool around in his Porsche. She gives up cheerleading and her grades slip. In an attempt to save her chemistry grade, she convinces Robin Wilson to steal a copy of the test. Instead of using it herself, she gives it to The Droids’ drummer Emily Mayer, who is also struggling with the class. This plan backfires.

Elizabeth is pretty sure that Bruce is cheating on Jessica, a suspicion that’s confirmed when sports reporter John Pfeiffer lets slip that he was racing his car with a female companion on a weekend Bruce was supposed to be with his grandma. Still, Jessica makes excuses until literally confronted with the truth at Bruce’s 18th birthday party at Guido’s. When he claims he has to go home to see to his ailing grandma, Liz and Todd take Jessica home only to turn the car around as part of a plot to catch Bruce in a lie. Jessica finds Bruce back at the party with a redhead, and she finally reaches her breaking point, dumping a pitcher of soda over his head before watching him fall into a fountain. She’s back, baby!

The B-Plot: The Droids are signed by a manager who promises that he can take them to the big time. But weeks pass and the band continues to play dive bars, and tensions start to rise when it seems as though the manager is only interested in lead singer Dana. When it turns out that he is only interested in Dana, she kicks him to the curb and the band remembers what’s important: each other. Or whatever.

“We really don’t have much in common, though. I get nervous around people who eat all the time.”

Reboot cover, circa 2009

Social Calendar Roundup:
Estimated Elapsed time: 2-3 months (this one plays really fast and loose with time)
– SVH’s 5th Annual Rockin’ Dance Contest
– Party at Ken Matthews
– Bruce Patman’s 18th birthday party

Trivia:
– This will mean nothing to most people, but when The Droids are in talks to get signed to a manager, they mention signing August Moon, which is the name of the fictional band in my favorite book, The Idea of You. Worlds collide!
– Jessica claims she was on the swim team in junior high
– Bruce can’t “stand” New Wave clothes
– Dallas Heights High is mentioned as a SVH rival school

Pop Culture References:
– Dance Fever (a TV series that ran 1979-1987)
– Koko the Clown
– Peanuts cartoons
– Chris Evert (Lloyd)

Does it hold up? (A Critical Analysis):

Jessica and Bruce are definitely fucking in this, right? That’s the takeaway I had during this round of close reading, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Like, it’s very clear that Bruce’s interest is purely physical, and the amount of time they spend parked in his car or, like, groping in the woods by the lake is enough to indicate that they aren’t just making out. I am admittedly not a teenager and haven’t been one in a long time, but I was a teenager at one point, and I did a fair amount of parking in my boyfriend’s Ford Explorer (and also just sneaking around his basement in his parent’s mansion), and like…things escalate?

It is extremely hard for me to imagine that someone as demanding (and poorly drawn) as Bruce Patman would be cool with a permanent case of blue balls. Everything in the book is very “fade to black” but the text does hint at the fact that they’re going pretty far. I don’t know why I never put this together before? My mom certainly did – this was one of the books that I was not allowed to check out from the library.

Anyway, Bruce is a piece of shit, Jessica’s behavior makes absolutely no sense throughout this book, and I literally cannot believe the amount of retconning Pascal will have to do when we get to Sweet Valley Confidential to make him a redeeming character. Literally everyone in this one sucks, except for poor Robin Wilson. Even Winston sucks in this one. I’m super bummed out, and things are about to get way, way worse in the next book.

SVH #91: In Love With a Prince

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Apparently Elizabeth and Prince Arthur Castillo of Santa Dora have been pen pals since they were in sixth grade, and now he’s coming back to Sweet Valley to visit.  Everyone is super, duper stoked about the prince arriving, as long as they’re female.  The dudes are not stoked.  Todd is convinced Arthur has designs on Liz (he does), and the other boys, including Sam, are extremely jealous about how much attention the girls are giving his impending arrival.  The only female who is not excited is Dana Larson, who thinks royalty is stupid and, like, America and stuff.

Somehow, Jessica convinces Dana to come along to the airport when they go to greet Prince Arthur in hopes of convincing her to have The Droids play at her party for him.  Dana admits to herself that he’s super good-looking but still thinks he must be a snob.  She’s withdrawn and judgmental at the lunch party Liz hosts for him that afternoon.  Then she acts like a total snot in English class when they discuss Hamlet, saying that royals always trod upon people who work for a living.

Because Dana runs her mouth off about this, Mr. Collins proposes the two have a debate about the need and/or place for royal families in the 20th century.  Dana thinks she’ll crush it but doesn’t seem to do any sort of research whatsoever about Santa Dora, modern political structures, or anything else.  She gets up and rambles about America and how they fought for freedom, and then Prince Arthur gets up and gives a really thoughtful (seriously thoughtful given the series we’re in) rebuttal about how Santa Dora is different, etc.  He wins, obviously, and Dana is mortified.  She also realizes she has a crush on Arthur.

Jessica throws a party for Arthur and tries to get him to dance with her all night.  But he’s pretty booked up with other obligations, and keeps apologizing for the fact that he can’t spare a dance.  Sam is REALLY displeased with the way Jessica acts, but Jessica doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the fact that she is actively pursuing another dude in front of her boyfriend.  This is exacerbated by the fact that Jessica overheard Elizabeth talking about Arthur telling her he has a crush on a spunky girl. Arthur is talking about Dana, but Jessica is a sociopath and assumes he means her, until Arthur asks her to ask Dana to dance.  That’s pretty clear

After Dana and Arthur dance together, they become inseparable.  Over the course of a week, they go out, make out, and end up falling in love.  So when he proposes marriage to her, she doesn’t think it’s the craziest thing she’s ever heard.  In fact, she tells him she’ll seriously think about it, and give him an answer at Lila’s big party in a week.  He tells her that they could have a long engagement, like that makes this entire thing less crazy.

Meanwhile, Lila has been trying to get close to Arthur his entire visit, to no avail.  She flirts with one of his bodyguards and gets some information about a “secret mission” the prince is on while visiting the United States.  She does some research at the library and finds out that he has to pick a fiance by the time he turns 17 or his parents will arrange his marriage.  Betting that Dana doesn’t know this part of the story, she leaks it to the Sweet Valley News, who then ask Dana about it.

Dana is furious for whatever reason and breaks up with Arthur.  He’s heartbroken, and though he attends Lila’s party, he brushes off her attempts to get close to him, which makes Jessica nearly glow with glee.  Dana sulks a lot and feels sorry for herself until Elizabeth comes and tells her that Arthur’s feelings for her were very real and that he’s leaving town.  Realizing what an idiot she is, Dana rushes to meet him before he leaves.  The two cry and embrace and promise to remain friends, but she still can’t marry him.  He tells her he will fight with his parents about the antiquated rule.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Lila is getting counseling for her near-rape at Project Youth
• Liz throws Arthur a lunch party and the menu includes: veggies and dip, fresh fruit, croissants and seafood salad, and cookies.’
• Lynne Henry wrote a song for Arthur and it’s called “Rule My Heart”
• Literary references: Mr. Collins’s English class is reading Hamlet
• Arthur’s parents’ names are Armand and Stephanie.  How…weird?

Memorable Quotes:

• “Dana did. ‘It’s always been that way with royalty,’ she declared. ‘It was worse back then, because royalty was more common, but it’s the same thing today. Royal families use, abuse, and sponge off the people who actually work for a living.'” (34)
• “‘I’ve danced with him twice,’ Lila informed Jessica huffily, getting to her feet. ‘And we split a hamburger.'” (56)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I have so many questions about this one, actually.  As one of the books I remember LOVING as a child, it sure didn’t hold up to my adult scrutiny.  So, first of all:

Why is Arthur in Sweet Valley for 3 weeks?

If he’s doing a tour around the world, why on EARTH would he stay in Sweet Valley for 3 weeks at the start?  I know he was planning on pursuing Liz before she was like, “Todd is my special friend,” but wouldn’t he sort of think that either way,  a 3 week stay was sort of ambititious?  Doesn’t he have other places to go? And if he does, since it is a “world tour,” does he have girls who are like, contingency plans?  I don’t get it.

Why is he going on a world tour to find a woman to marry?

Isn’t that weird?  He expects to find someone to marry, at 16, in America? If it’s okay to have a super-long engagement, why is the rule there in the first place? If he’s going to college and is allowed to basically go wherever he wants, how does this engagement thing signify that he’s ready to take over the throne?

Also, Dana is the WORST.

 

Super Thriller #5: Murder on the Line

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks?

Summary/Overview:

Jessica and Elizabeth are working as interns at the Valley News for what appears to be the second time, because they are driving the Jeep and the back of the book mentions the word “again” as if this is the second time, but it’s really, really hard to tell.  At any rate, it is their second week on the job, Jessica is already bored, and Elizabeth is totally kissing the ass of the newest hire, Bill Anderson.  Because of construction going on near the newspaper’s building (construction being done to create the tallest building in downtown Sweet Valley, courtesy of George Fowler), the paper’s phone lines are a total mess.  People keep intercepting other calls, and this is probably the thing that Jessica finds most interesting about her days at the paper.  She eavesdrops on a ton of calls until she hears a man identifying as “Greenback” threaten to kill someone else.  When she tells Liz about it, Liz brushes it off.  Jessica leaves work early to meet Lila at the beach, and the two are sunbathing when someone screams because a body has just washed up on shore.  Totally out of character, Jessica actually faints.

The next day, Jessica goes straight to the police.  She talks to a Detective Jason, who wants her to keep listening in on the phone and report back to him everything she hears.  She also finally, finally makes contact with Mr. Gorgeous, a young guy who works the next building over whose attentions she’s been trying to attract for days.  He introduces himself as Ben Donovan, and he tells her he’s an accountant.  Her interest in him dwindles as he tells her he’s also really into reading and classical music.

When Bill Anderson tells the twins that Rose, the receptionist quit, he assigns Jessica the job of manning the switchboard.  She can’t listen in on the phones while she does this job, but she figures out a way to call her own extension and listen that way.  It isn’t long before she overhears another call by Greenback, and this time, she records his conversation with a Dictaphone.  She plans to show it to Detective Jason later.  But as the conversations continue, she hears Greenback mention a friend in the police station, and undercover cop, and makes a comment about how a “spy” can’t be listening in at the office.  Jessica is worried, but not enough.

Meanwhile, Seth Miller and Elizabeth Wakefield are trying to solve the murder of Tracy Fox, the girl who washed up dead on the beach.  She was found with cocaine on her, and that’s why she ran away from home, according to her mother.  Liz and Seth go all over the place trying to figure out who knew her and why someone wanted to shut her up permanently.  But this is complicated by the fact that Jessica becomes convinced that Seth is Greenback–because he seems to be flush with cash and because the Telex in his office makes a similar noise to something she heard in the background of one of Greenback’s phone calls.

Elizabeth brushes off Jessica’s theory until she remembers that she actually saw Tracy Fox at the Western building shortly before she died.  When they check the visitor’s log, they find out that Tracy was there to see Seth! HOW CONVENIENT!  Elizabeth still isn’t convinced that Seth is Greenback OR a drug dealer, so she asks Jessica to give her some to figure it out.  Jessica agrees to wait until the following Monday.

While Elizabeth talks to Seth about his possible involvement (he mentions that he never met with Tracy but did receive a phone call from a scared-sounding girl), Jessica confides her suspicions in Bill, who tells her they’ll meet back at the office that night and go to the police together.  Jessica doesn’t think this is weird at all and agrees to it.  Liz and Seth meet at the Box Tree Cafe while Jessica goes ALONE to meet with Bill.  Liz and Seth piece together that Bill has moved all over, and every place he’s lived has had a drug-related death.  When they call the police to send help for Jessica, Detective Jason blows them off, so of course they race to save her.

Meanwhile, Jessica meets up with Bill, who is totally high on cocaine (she sees it on his desk) and chases her up onto the roof, where he tells her to jump off the roof with the conveniently-planted coke he wants to place on her.  He’s going to make her death look like a drug-fueled suicide and then frame Seth for the murder.  Wait, what?

LUCKILY Ben Donovan is the real undercover cop, and he arrives on the scene with Elizabeth and Seth.  He manages to save Jessica as Bill dives at her, sending Bill off the roof to his death.  Whatever, this is ridiculous.  Anyway, everything works out okay.  Detective Jason is “detained” for questioning, Ben asks Jessica out, and the twins are treated as heroes.  And we are treated to more didactic rambling about how drugs are bad.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Adam Maitland is still? living with the Wakefields
• Todd is vacationing elsewhere with his family
• I had to Google what a Telex is, and it’s basically like a fax machine?  I think?

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘Not metallic silver,’ Jessica murmured. ‘No matter how you’re shaped, it’s bound to make you look like a station wagon!'” (19)
• “A violent murder had taken place, right there in the Sweet Valley area.  This kind of story was rare.” (59)
• “‘If I had my way, you’d be shark bait by now, Jessica Wakefield,’ he rasped. ‘From now on, you’d better keep your mouth, eyes, and ears shut, or I’ll shut ’em for you.'” (116)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I’m not sure why the timeline of this one bothers me so much.  I mean, it’s not like a completely wonky timeline is so out of the norm for this series.  Maybe it’s the flagrant disregard for continuity?  Like, the publishers didn’t care enough to give the readers a story that makes sense within the bounds of physics?  How do the twins have the Jeep in this one?  How are they still 16 even though it appears to be the summer following junior year?  Why is Todd around but not Sam?  Why is Adam Maitland making an appearance after disappearing for like, 25 books?  WHY?

Also, how dumb are the twins in this one?  The jumping to conclusions, and the complete logic fails make me crazy.  All of it is so contrived and so obviously a way to move the plot pieces around I can hardly stand it.  I’m thinking about this too much.  I should go lie down.

SVH #87: My Best Friend’s Boyfriend

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Denise Hadley is beautiful and popular and charismatic.  Her best friend, Ginny Belasca, feels like the dull, undesirable friend, forever in her shadow.  When Denise urges Ginny to volunteer at Project Youth, manning the teen line, Ginny is reluctant but finds that she’s actually sort of great at it.  It doesn’t take long before she takes a call from a teen named Mike, and the two hit it off.  He continues to call the teen line with his family problems (his mom is marrying a new guy and there are familial adjustments), and the two start to form a relationship.  When he presses her for a meeting, she finally relents, but then she begs Denise to go for her, just this once.  Denise agrees, telling herself she’ll explain to Mike how shy Ginny is and arrange a secret meeting for them.

When they meet, however, Denise is totally taken with how attractive Mike is.  Even though she has a boyfriend, she’s flustered and giggly around Mike, and she doesn’t tell him that she’s not Ginny.  In fact, she agrees to go out with him again later that week.  She tells Ginny that she’s really into Mike, and Ginny asks her what she’s going to do about her boyfriend, Jay. Denise hedges on this for a while and then breaks up with him.  Ginny angsts about the fact that she likes Mike but doesn’t ever tell Denise this.

Denise actually brings Ginny along on their next date, which is super creepy.  The girls tell Mike that Ginny’s name is Denise.  This will end well.  Throughout the course of the date, both girls reflect on how well the real Ginny gets along with Mike and how uncomfortable the real Denise is with him.  They have nothing in common, and it’s clear that Mike sees it.  But he still doesn’t say no when Denise asks him out again.

Mike continues to call the teen line and talks to Ginny.  At one point, she pretends to be someone else to avoid talking to him as Ginny, and he tells her all about how he’s actually into someone else now.  She assumes he means someone other than her, because Ginny kind of sucks.  At any rate, she cries a lot about it and worries how Denise will take it when she inevitably gets dumped.

It turns out, she takes it surprisingly well.  As she and Mike are leaving the Box Tree Cafe, Liz says hi to her and calls her by her real name.  This spurs a confession to Mike, who isn’t mad at all.  In fact, he goes along with Denise’s idea to set him up with the real Ginny.  He calls the teen line again, talks to Ginny-as-someone-else, and then, when she runs out into the hallway, he’s waiting to ask her out.  Great! Oh, and Denise gets back together with Jay, because a pretty girl in Sweet Valley can’t be single.

The B-Plot focuses on Liz wanting to write an article about sexual harassment for the school paper.  When she brings the idea forward, Mr. Collins gets super weird about it, but finally says he’ll read her draft and go from there.  But he tells Mr. Cooper about it before Liz has written a word, and he promptly shuts it down. Furious about the censorship, Liz decides to write it anyway, approaching it from an angle of being censored.  She shows it to Mr. Collins, who changes his mind, brings it to Cooper, but it’s still a no-go.  So Liz and the rest of the crack staff at the Oracle decide to distribute it as an “underground” newsletter.  They end up having another confrontation with Cooper, but because Liz is such a good writer, everything ends up just fine.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Shoehorned literary reference: Elizabeth’s English class is reading A Tale of Two Cities
• In addition to Casey’s, there’s an ice cream place called the Lucky Duck where the waiters wear duck costumes.  Sign me up.
• Pop culture references: Lady Macbeth and Frankenstein’s monster

Memorable Quotes: 

• “You’re special, Ginny.  You’re a beautiful person. I know you must be so pretty.” (47)
• “‘So what?’ Penny demanded hotly. ‘Newspapers aren’t about making people feel good.  Newspapers are about information that’s important.'” (71)
• “Denise shrugged. She could understand the pressure that people put on attractive girls.  Being pretty was a very difficult responsibility.” (94) Okay, Denise is officially the worst. 

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

There are two things that struck me upon reading this one, a title which I had never read before.  The first is that although we are supposed to like Denise, she comes off as kind of the worst.  Like, throughout the entire novel.  She makes a weirdly disparaging remark about homeless people in Sweet Valley and how they’re bringing the town down, she thinks that completely obnoxious thing about pretty girls I quoted up above, and, oh yeah, she goes out with the guy her best friend is into when she’s still dating another dude.  Now, an argument could be made that Ginny is a total wet blanket incapable of actually standing up for herself, and that’s true–Ginny is also pretty terrible–but there isn’t anything cool or okay with what Denise does.  This is a totally sick, unbalanced friendship between the girls.  Gross.

But the thing that stood out to me during this reading most prominently was the issue of sexual harassment.  The book talks a lot about “sexual harassment,” but from what I can tell, they’re really talking about sexual assault and rape.  It’s weird, because the book touches on aspects of rape culture–society telling girls to stay quiet and not cause a scene, the entire idea of power dynamics as they relate to sexual assault–but the book is incredibly reticent to use the correct terminology.  Only when they refer to a rape crisis center is the word ever used.

This is probably largely due to when the book was written and published–these things are never so dated as when you see them try to tackle an issue deemed taboo–but it’s also probably in part because they didn’t want to rankle parents.  So in purporting to tackle the issue of censorship and rape culture, the book is actually censoring itself?  Maybe a little?

Also, at one point, Chrome Dome makes reference to issues of sexual harassment and sexual assault being a “family matter.”  I actually did a double take, because WHAT IN THE WHAT?

SVH #76: Miss Teen Sweet Valley

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

The Sweet Valley Chamber of Commerce is hosting a beauty pageant for girls ages 15-18 as part of a fundraiser for a new community pool.  Just go with it.  It’s going to be hosted in the Sweet Valley High auditorium, and Jessica is stoked to participate, because she knows she’ll win.  Elizabeth is horrified at the concept of the pageant because she believes they’re sexist, outdated, and bring women back.  So she decides to stage a protest in hopes of changing the minds of Sweet Valley officials.  Jessica is horrified that Elizabeth would do this, so the two girls end up fighting a lot and not speaking to one another for most of the book.

Meanwhile, Jessica gets serious about the competition.  She hopes to attract the attention of Steven’s college buddy Frazer McConnell, who so far has been completely uninterested in her.  She also loves the idea of winning–and the rumors about the increasingly extravagant prizes for the winners doesn’t seem to hurt her desire, either.  People at school keep talking about the prizes, and the winning amount keeps going up–like up to $10,000, which Jessica thinks will buy her a car.  But she doesn’t consider for a second that giving away that kind of prize money would completely negate the fact that this is a charity fundraiser?  Whatever.

Liz is determined to bring the pageant to a grinding halt.  She enlists the help of her friends to sign a petition and even goes to the mall to collect signatures and hand out flyers.  The group protests in front of the Chamber of Commerce and continues to fight the good fight, much to Jessica’s dismay.

As determined as Liz is, Jessica also has a lot of drive and resolve.  She figures her biggest competition is not Amy Sutton, who is going to twirl her baton as a talent, but Maggie Simmons, a talented actress at SVH, and Sharon Jefferson, a deaf pianist.  Okay.  So Jessica decides to take some dance lessons to brush up on her skills.  With the help of a loan from her mother, she’s able to pay for lessons with Mr. Krezenski, who is actually kind of awesome throughout the book.  He’s hard on her but tells her she has enormous potential, which helps push her even further towards her goal.

Right before the night of the pageant, Liz discovers a loophole in the SVH bylaws or something.  The school can’t host an event that is for-profit (it’s not really, though) without the express permission of the school’s superintendent who has been out of the country all this time.  But before she brings this evidence to Mr. Cooper, she talks to Jessica, who tells her about how hard she’s been  working, and Liz’s resolve crumbles.  She doesn’t say anything, and the show goes on.

During Jessica’s dance number, she trips and falls, but gets back up and finishes.  She’s humiliated, though, and rushes backstage to pack her things and leave halfway through the competition.  Liz goes to try to talk her into staying, but Jessica refuses.  So Liz puts on Jess’s swimsuit and does probably the grossest twin switch the series has seen yet (but we aren’t at the Secret Diaries yet, so whatever).  Then Jessica ends up rejoining the evening in her dress, and wins the competition!  Hooray!

The book ends with Frazer McConnell finally asking Jessica out.  Like this was going to end any other way–we already have our ambiguously gay dude in Sweet Valley.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Rumor alert: the prizes for the contest allegedly include a shopping spree at Simple Splendor, a brass bed, a stereo, $1,000 cash (or maybe $5,000)
• Actual prizes: free bowling, free video rentals, a haircut, and like $100 cash
• Jessica’s perfect pageant dress is a pale pink chiffon number with a full skirt and stitched pearls on the bodice.
• Cara has a cousin named Barbara, and apparently she’s pretty hot.
• The school district’s superintendent has been away in the Soviet Union to meet with educators there.  WHY, though?

Memorable Quotes:

• “Until that day, she had known Mr. Krezenski only by reputation. Elizabeth had watched a special on public television about his career as a dancer and his dramatic, daring escape from some little country in Eastern Europe, and she had talked about practically nothing else for a week after the show.” (55)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

To be honest, this might actually be my favorite Sweet Valley High novel, which makes it harder, though not impossible, to snark on.  So here are my thoughts on this:

I see both sides of the argument here, but Elizabeth’s argument is a lot stronger.  Beauty pageants are totally sexist, totally outdated, and totally ridiculous.  But that’s just it: they’re ridiculous.  For the most part, people don’t take them seriously, which is probably why Elizabeth has so much trouble drumming up strong support for her cause: NO ONE CARES.

That being said, I think it’s super, super weird that this event attracted underage girls to parade around in their bathing suits and no one batted an eye.  That doesn’t raise red flags for anyone?  Really?

SVH #73: Regina’s Legacy

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Apparently the fact that Elizabeth decided she could only focus on one hobby at a time about two books ago is lost on her now, because she’s joined the new club that’s all the rage at Sweet Valley High: the photography club! Good timing, too, because as soon as she joins, poor dead Regina Morrow’s mom stops by with a gift for Elizabeth: Regina’s fancy camera.  Elizabeth wastes no time learning how to use it, and starts snapping photos left and right.

Some are for the secret photo mural the photography club decides to make for the school, and some are for her own benefit.  One day at the beach, she takes a picture of three men who look suspicious, and one of them sees her and starts running after her, trying to take her camera! Luckily, Prince Albert barks at the man, and Liz escapes to her car just in time.  She develops the photos and still feels weird about what she saw, even though she can’t put her finger on why that is.

Things get weirder when a cute young guy tails Jessica and Lila when they’re cruising around in the Fiat.  His name is Chad, and he asks Jess about the picture she took on the beach, and it doesn’t take long for Jess to realize he means Liz.  She plays along, promises to show him the photo, which she says is in the darkroom at school (it isn’t), and gives him her phone number.

Liz and Todd see a news broadcast about a congressman turning tail about prosecuting a drug ring, and Liz is sure the man is the one she photographed.  But how could it be the same man she saw on the beach in California if he’s in Washington?  Todd thinks she’s overreacting, but Liz is sure something weird is up with the photo she took.  Whatever, I’m bored.

Meanwhile, someone breaks into the darkroom at SVH and ransacks the place, destroying a bunch of equipment.  Todd and Elizabeth were just about to use it, too! They decide to go use the equipment at the local news station to blow up the photograph, because Liz has a feeling about a shirt one of the men is wearing.  Finally, they discern that the shirt is from a restaurant called Rick’s Place.

Chad asks Jessica out and takes her bowling.  Then he drives her to Big Mesa for dinnner…to Rick’s place.  Todd and Liz see Jessica there, and they panic when they see Chad grab her wrist and pull her out of the restaurant.  They chase after them in their car, but Todd gets pulled over before they can catch up.  Liz tells the policeman where she thinks they’re going (SVH), and everyone races to the school.  Todd tackles Chad, he gets arrested, and the whole story comes tumbling out.  And it is even dumber than you can imagine.

The man in the picture is Rich or Ron Hunter (I can’t remember and can’t be bothered to check).  They’re identical twins and were both involved in the biggest drug ring in America that the government was unaware of.  One of them had a change of heart about it and turned informant, and the bad guys put his brother in for him in congress so that they wouldn’t be prosecuted.  Yes, this whole thing is a big bag of stupid.  They would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those pesky teens!

The B-Plot involves Shelley Novak getting jealous of how much time her boyfriend Jim Roberts spends on the photography club project.  He won’t tell her what he’s working on, which pisses her off further.  They fight, and then Jim puts a photo of Shelley at the center of the mural to prove his love for her.  They make up. I barf.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• The book refers to Nicholas Morrow being a recent Sweet Valley High graduate, but that’s not true, because Nicholas moved with his family after he was already done with high school.  Sigh.
• The camera Liz is given by Skye Morrow is a Nikon.
• Jessica wears a silk blouse and a mini-skirt on her date with Chad.  Liz wears a pink dress and pearls to a casual dinner with Todd’s parents.  Whatever.

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘That nerd Allen Walters,’ continued Jessica. ‘He snuck into cheerleading practice today and was zooming in at us from all over the place! I thought he was only interested in math and chemistry. You photography-club types are just a bunc of Peeping Toms. It gives me the creeps!'” (27)
• “‘I’ll tell you one thing,’ Jessica said, shaking her head. ‘That’s the last time I go out with a total stranger just because he’s cute, and it’s also the last time I let somebody think I’m you! Talk about a double whammy!'” (124)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

I guess the first thing worth mentioning is how much I didn’t care about the mystery at the center of Liz’s photograph.  I literally just finished the book and already can’t be bothered to remember which brother was in which role or why it mattered.  The details surrounding the drug ring, the kidnapping, and the twin switch are so hilariously vague that it’s clear no one expected readers to care much about it, either.

There’s this awkward moment near the end of the book where Liz feels like Regina’s spirit helped her put an end to the drug ring because Regina died of a drug overdose, and she congratulates herself on how many lives have been saved.  I feel like Liz has no idea how drug rings work.  But whatever.  This part is dumb, and kind of boring.

Something that struck me while reading this book: all of Liz and Todd’s research would have been done so differently now.  First of all, Liz’s camera would likely have been a digital one, which means she could have enhanced the photos on a computer instead of painstakingly by hand.  Second of all, all of their research about “Rick’s Place” and the congressman could have been put to rest with a simple Google search.  Isn’t technology weird?

Next up: More of Robin Wilson’s eating disorder! I’m super, super nervous about this one.