SVH #48: Slam Book Fever (Revisited)

“It’s called The Crystal Ball,” Amy said pretentiously. “It’s like a glimpse into the future. See, we’ll all make a whole section for it in our books, and then we can include more new categories. Like, ‘Most Likely to Have a Million Dollars by Age Thirty.'”
“That’s not much of a question,” Lila said with a yawn.

The original cover, circa 1988

Details: Originally published in August 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 137 pages.

Summary/Overview: Amy Sutton introduces the concept of Slam Books at SVH. Basically, everyone (the girls in this case), get composition notebooks and start creating categories in them (like “Biggest Flirt” or “Most All-Around Nice”) and pass them around so that everyone can write down their votes for each category. This is literally a clunkier version of yearbook/senior superlatives, but okay. Elizabeth and Enid express reservations about the practice, rightfully pointing out that this could quickly spiral out of control and hurt people’s feelings, but everyone else is super into it.

When the girls exhaust most present-day superlatives, Amy comes up with the idea of a “Crystal Ball” section where they try to predict the future. This leads to the creation of the category “Couple of the Future,” and it isn’t long before Jeffrey French’s name starts appearing in every slam book, but instead of being paired with Elizabeth, he’s paired with newly single Olivia Davidson, who has just broken up with Roger (Barrett) Patman. This is complicated by the fact that the two have been spending a lot of time together on a phot essay project for the launch of the school’s new literary magazine. Elizabeth tries to ignore the constant pairing of her boyfriend and her friend, but things get worse when Cara tells her that she saw Jeffrey and Olivia parked on the side of the road in what appeared to be an embrace.

Liz fully spirals and starts flirting with new-guy A.J. Morgan (more on him in the B-plot) in order to make Jeffrey jealous. She won’t listen to reason from him (Olivia had something in her eye when Cara saw them) and ignores both of them at school. Despondent, Olivia goes to Jessica to try to figure out who keeps writing her name in the slam books, and through some clunky detective work, they discover that the only person who doesn’t have Olivia and Jeffrey written in their Slam Book is Lila, who thinks that breaking up Liz and Jeffrey will allow her to pursue him. They decide to get back at her by creating a new category and writing her name in: Class Sneak. Owned, I guess?

When Liz realizes what’s happened, she makes up with both Olivia and Jeffrey, just in time for the lit magazine’s launch party. Wonderful!

The B-Plot: A.J. Morgan has moved to Sweet Valley, joined the basketball team, and caught the eyes of all the girls at school. This is especially true of Jessica, who finds herself feeling tongue-tied and shy whenever he’s around. This is great news for A.J., who prefers his ladies quiet and demure. He gets the idea in his head that Jessica is quiet, reserved, and shy, and she decides that she can be those things for him. Even though she’s never been a one-guy kind of girl, she’s determined to catch A.J. This is largely set-up for the next book, and there’s not much in the way of forward momentum here.

Cara looked upset. “I guess I didn’t handle this well. I should’ve kept my mouth shut and stayed out of other people’s business.”

We finally have another edition to showcase! This one is German and translates to “All for Friendship?” INCREDIBLE.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Basketball game
– Lit Magazine Launch Party
– Olivia Davidson and Roger (Barrett) Patman break up

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– Lila uses a beach towel that says THE RITZ on it
– L’Escalier is considered one of the fanciest French restaurants in town
– A.J.’s name stands for Adam Joseph, a fact repeated multiple times in this godforsaken book

Pop Culture:
– People Magazine
– Christie Brinkley
– Tender is the Night

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Who says that teens need social media to bully their classmate! Sweet Valley kids were doing it long before the internet took over our souls, minds, and bodies. Things go off the rails here pretty quickly, which is to be expected – though I think Lila’s scheme is better than most of the hare-brained ones these dumb-dumbs cook up, it doesn’t fully make sense to me. I thought Lila got over her interest in Jeffrey a long time ago, and there’s been no sense in any of the previous few books that she might still be carrying a torch for him. Haven’t we established that he’s really boring (and borderline abusive sometimes)?

The Olivia and Roger stuff is weird, though. The book makes mention of the fact that they’ve been having “problems” for a while but it’s never really clear what those problems are. The book seems entirely uninterested in these two (which is fair – they are boring), but then why make it a plot point at all? I guess at least it’s over with fairly quickly, which is more than I can say for the rest of this book, which despite clocking in at a very slight 137 pages, feels MUCH longer.

SVH #43: Hard Choices (Revisited)

“Well, for one thing, I think he asks too many personal questions,” her grandmother said in a hoarse whisper. She cast a glance in the direction of the kitchen. “And the way he drinks – didn’t you notice? I think he’s probably an alcoholic.”

The original cover, circa 1988. Can anyone tell me WHAT Enid is wearing?

Details: Originally published January 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid’s excited about her grandmother coming to live with her and her mother Adele. Mrs. Langevin, as she’s referred to throughout the book, is apparently a ton of old lady spunky fun. Both Enid and her mom go out of their way to make Nana feel welcome; Enid even moves her stuff up to the attic so that Nana can have her room on the house’s main floor. But when Mrs. Langevin arrives, she’s a shell of her former self. She’s frail, withdrawn, and needy.

For a while, both Adele and Enid do their best to accommodate her needs. Enid ends up bearing the brunt of this: she has to cancel plans with her boyfriend Hugh and bail on helping Elizabeth with a documentary project (more on that in the B-plot); and things get worse for her when her grandma tells her that Hugh is the wrong boy for her and that all her friends suck.

Things boil over on a Saturday night, when Adele has made plans to attend an important work event with her boyfriend Richard and Enid is supposed to attend the documentary premiere at the Wakefield house. Nana refuses to have a stranger come stay with her and then claims that she can’t be left alone in case she gets sick. Adele tells Enid she’ll have to stay, and that’s when Enid loses it: she blows up at her grandmother and tells her what a holy terror she’s being, and then she rushes off to the premiere.

There, she confides in Elizabeth about what’s been going on and then freaks out about leaving her grandmother alone. When she returns to the house, she’s surprised to find her grandma making cookies. The two eat cookies, have a heart-to-heart, and when Adele arrives back home, Nana announces she’s going back to Chicago. Okay…?

The B-Plot: Jackson Croft, famous film director, has announced a student documentary film contest. Elizabeth decides to enter with a piece called “This is Sweet Valley,” and she enlists the help of Jessica, Jeffrey, and Enid to create the film. They premiere it at the Wakefield’s house to massive success.

Her grandmother held up her hand. “I thought so the other day when they were here, too, but I didn’t want to say anything. Especially that Liz. She seems very bossy to me, ordering everyone around.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Documentary film contest
– Enid’s nana moves in from Chicago
– Movie premiere/party at the Wakefield house

Trivia:
– The library has a large print book exchange with other libraries in the state
– Jeremy Frank from “Frankly Speaking” gets another shout-out here
– The Droids perform a song called “Meltdown”

Pop Culture:
– Superbowl
– Edward Lear

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)

I mean, this holds up in terms of being memorable for how incredibly ageist it manages to be while also creating the world’s most annoying grandma. The emotional manipulation that the character Mrs. Langevin engages in is truly something to behold. It’s not subtle, but it is effective in irritating both the characters around her and me, the reader. I wanted to shake the old biddy more than once.

The problem is that the story can’t seem to get consistent about what’s going on. Either Enid and Adele can’t leave her alone, or they can – but the book picks and chooses whenever it’s convenient for the plot. Adele works away from the home all day, and Enid is in school, so ostensibly Mrs. Langevin is home alone then, but leaving her by herself for a few hours while they both attend events on a weekend night is impossible? They can’t leave her alone because she “might” get sick? Excuse me, what?

What’s so funny is that the dramatic tension is already there without this absolutely hackneyed plot point. Enid is feeling strained trying to balance supporting her grandma and having a social life, and Adele is obviously stressed about managing a household, her job, a fairly new relationship, and the arrival of her mother, but the book doesn’t provide any nuance for this and instead just makes Mrs. Langevin into an irrational toddler until she does an abrupt about-face and then…leaves? Will we ever see her again?

SVH #38: Leaving Home (Revisited)

“Gag,” Jessica said, getting up to look in the cupboards. “No wonder this girl didn’t make it to maturity. She sounds like she was more of a saint than a human being.”

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in July 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages

Summary/Overview: Elizabeth decides she wants to go to school in Switzerland. There’s a boarding school there called the Interlochen School (not the one in Michigan, I guess), and it has a strong focus on writing and literature. Luckily, there’s also a scholarship for teenage girls between the ages of 15-17 who live in California, and so Liz decides to apply. The application process is pretty rigorous, including letters of recommendation, writing samples, and two different character interviews, including one with the applicant’s family (weird).

To say that her friends and family are jazzed about this entire thing would be an overstatement. While Jeffrey and Enid decide to be supportive, Jessica and Steven decide to actively try to sabotage the application. Jeffrey and Enid work on a scrapbook, devoting so much time to it that Liz thinks they’re secretly hooking up behind her back. Meanwhile, Jess and Steven act like fools during the family interview and Jess does a #twinswitch and pretends to be Liz at school, even going so far as to hit on the interviewer in a scene that has not aged well at all!

Liz finds out what her siblings have been doing and has an absolute meltdown about it. While she’s in the middle of screaming at them, the interviewer shows up at her house (???) and offers her the scholarship, telling her that they came clean about their scheme. Jeffrey and Enid show up with the scrapbook and Liz realizes that the magic of Sweet Valley is better magic than the magic of Switzerland, or something, and decides to stay, turning down the scholarship. Okay!

The B-Plot: Winston buys a lottery ticket and decides to throw a “Get Rich Quick” party because he’s certain he’s going to win. Then he accidentally switches jackets with a poor old man at the convenience store and ends up with that man’s lottery ticket – and it’s the winner! He goes back and forth about what to do before finally returning the winning ticket to its rightful owner, and everyone calls him a hero. I’m so bored.

“Dad!” Elizabeth shrieked. “He’ll think we have a broken family or something.”

The German cover, translated to “Jessica and her Thousand Tricks”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks
– Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s
– Beach Disco
– Scholarship application process for Liz

Trivia:
– More brand-name madness: Diet Coke and Oreos are mentioned
– The Droids have a “hit” song called “Something Sure”
– According to this one, Steve’s school is an hour away?
– Jeffrey’s birthday is July 12

Pop Culture:
– Star Trek

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)
This is not one of the better Sweet Valley High novels. I don’t think that any reader of this series thought for a second that Elizabeth was actually going to move to Switzerland, so the stakes feel pretty low throughout the book. I’m not crazy about a book that goes heavy on an Enid subplot, either. And the way that Jessica and Steven act throughout this book doesn’t just strain credulity, it actively annoys. The whole thing is a boring bummer.

This one sucks and was boring.

SVH #35: Out of Control (Revisited)

On the other hand, if there was one person who would make a good salesperson, it had to be Jessica Wakefield…if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement.

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published February 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 154 pages.

Summary/Overview: Aaron Dallas’s parents are going through a divorce, and Aaron is having a Hard Time because of it. He seems to have a short fuse with everyone, blowing up at friends over tiny things and generally acting like he’s in a permanent ‘roid rage. It’s a huge bummer for basically everyone, and it isn’t long before most of his friends are at their wit’s end with his behavior. The only people in Aaron’s corner are Jeffrey French and Aaron’s girlfriend, sophomore Heather Sanford. Elizabeth doesn’t understand why Jeffrey is being so lenient with him and thinks Heather is an absolute waste of space. She goes so far as to mock Heather openly at a party after observing her talking baby-talk to Aaron (a coping strategy that embarrasses Heather but helps Aaron calm down).

When Aaron snaps and hits one of his soccer teammates, his coach tells him that any more outbursts will mean expulsion from the team. Elizabeth witnesses the punch and writes an article about Aaron’s behavior for the article, which enrages Aaron and makes Jeffrey angry, too. But when Heather tells Liz that she’s glad she wrote it, Liz realizes that she pre-judged Heather. When Aaron runs into Liz at school, Jeffrey asks him to get over his anger at her and he punches Jeffrey. This is the final straw for Heather, who begs Aaron to get help. He meets with the guidance counselor and his coach, and they encourage him to see a therapist (maybe with his father), and he remains on the soccer team just in time to win a big game against Big Mesa.

The German edition – “Freshly in love and pretty pissed off”

The B-Plot: Jessica decides to seek fortune by signing up to sell health and beauty products from a company called Tofu-Glo. She invites all the girls at school to her house for a party to demonstrate the products, and she sells a ton of product to them and to folks in the neighborhood by knocking door-to-door. When she starts receiving complaints about the products not working (and stinking to high heaven), she realizes that offering a “money-back guarantee” was a bad idea: she has to eat the cost of all the products she sold. When she contacts the company, they tell her it’s her fault for not reading the fine print: the products have to be refrigerated. Just when she thinks she’ll be completely bankrupt (or wahtever), Ned swoops in with news that a class action lawsuit against the company means she’ll get her money back. This is why we don’t join MLMs, hun.

“Why would you want to sell Cara tofu to put on her hair?” Steven asked for the seventh time, annoyed and puzzled. “I don’t get it.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Big soccer game
– Party at the Wakefield’s

Trivia:
– Jesssica and the number 37: “I bet I can sell a hundred and thirty-seven tons of the stuff,” “a hundred and thirty-seven wild horses couldn’t make you fetch”
– Steven was a Boy Scout

Pop Culture:
– None!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Probably the most glaring thing worth noting about this book is the way it dances around the concept of therapy for both Aaron and his father. They never really want to say the word “therapist,” and when it’s even hinted at, Aaron (and others) make mention of therapy being something for psychopaths. Which is pretty rich, given the fact that Aaron acts like one throughout the entire book!

In the end, Aaron agrees to see the school guidance counselor, which feels like a weird choice. I’m not even sure they’re trained in anything therapy-adjacent – and one meeting with this woman and Aaron’s problems are fixed?

It’s also worth noting that Elizabeth is such an asshole in this one!

SVH Super Edition #5: Winter Carnival (Revisited)

“Liz,” Mr. Wakefield said reprovingly, “you heard your mother. Conversation at the dinner table should be pleasant and edifying, which means no squabbling over sweaters!”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published November 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 215 pages.

Summary/Overview: It’s winter again in Sweet Valley, and Elizabeth has the mid-winter blues. Although the Winter Carnival weekend is approaching, she’s feeling fairly down. She’s growing increasingly frustrated with Jessica’s inability to think of anyone but herself, and is tired of covering for Jessica when it comes to household chores like making dinner. Jessica and Amy win a trivia contest that they only qualified for because they stole a bunch of answers from her application, which pisses her off. When Jessica breaks yet another promise and strands Liz without a ride, Liz feels like she’s hit her breaking point and really blows up at Jessica.

It doesn’t help that Liz is having problems with Jeffrey. She’s looking forward to spending time with him at the carnival, but the opening night is the same evening as an awards banquet that Todd Wilkins is attending, and she’s promised to attend with him. Jeffrey feels weird about the fact that Liz is going to something with her ex-boyfriend, and they fight about it. When she doesn’t show up at Las Palmas Canyon at a specific time he outlined in a weird note to her (because Jessica has the car), he figures it’s over for good.

When Jessica realizes that at least part of the fight between Jeffrey and Liz is her fault, she tries to fix things. Once everyone is at Mont Blanc for the carnival, she poses as Liz and reconciles with Jeffrey, but a classmate sees them and mentions it to Liz. Liz assumes that Jessica and Jeffrey are seeing each other (???) and freaks out. She takes a bus back to Sweet Valley just as the weather’s getting worse. When Jessica calls her at home and begs her to listen to reason, Liz hangs up and angrily wishes she never had a twin. She falls asleep, and is awoken by the police, who tell her that Jessica died in a car accident on her way down the mountain.

Her family is devastated. Ned starts smoking and Alice ages ten years in a day. Liz attends a small gathering at Enid’s, and Jeffrey and Todd start to fight over Elizabeth. Then she hears someone call her name, and it sounds just like Jessica. Liz wakes up again, this time for real – she has imagined the crash and Jessica’s death. She is so relieved that her twin isn’t dead that all is forgiven. She and Jeffrey make up, Todd and Jeffrey get along fine, and everyone heads back to the carnival to enjoy some winter fun.

The German cover – “A Twin to Despair”

Jessica frowned. “It seems to have hit a temporary snag,” she admitted. “I didn’t count on the fact that Elizabeth and Jeffrey are so completely inept when it comes to making up. You wouldn’t believe the way they’re avoiding each other! You’d think this dumb misunderstanding was something really serious!”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Televised Trivia Contest
– Winter Carnival (Festivities include mock Olympics, party,
– Snow Ball Dance

Trivia:
– Elizabeth, Enid, Olivia, and Regina room together at the Inn
– Tiberino’s is Elizabeth’s favorite restaurant
– Mr. Collins has a sister named Heather
– The Droids play a new song called “Snow Girl”

Pop Culture:
– Guinness Book of World Records
– Rip Van Winkle

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
Look, this is not the best of the Super Edition bunch. It’s so weird to me that the book spends so much time in the days leading up to the carnival instead of at the actual carnival, which is where all the interesting stuff could happen. Barely supervised teenagers staying in a hotel? Give me that story, not this boring slog of a story where Elizabeth feels bad about herself, fights with everyone, and mopes around.

The pacing is really weird as a result of waiting so long to get to the actual carnival, and the book’s rising action (which is mostly a dream sequence) feels crammed into the last third in a weird way. These books are not masterpieces by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s still frustrating to see the most interesting part of the book get handled so ineptly.

Also, this is definitely a case where almost every problem in the book (except for Jessica’s not-death) could have been solved by the use of cell phones. Wild to think about that one!

SVH #31: Taking Sides (Revisited)

“Jeffrey French,” Jessica said dreamily. “What a wonderful name. He’s got to be really romantic with a name like French.”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published in September 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 134 pages.

Summary/Overview: Jeffrey French is the new boy at school, having moved from a (timber) farm in Oregon. Enid is nursing a crush on him, and Elizabeth promises to help fix her up with him. When Lila expresses interest in Jeffrey, Jessica encourages her to go for it. Enid is horrified, afraid she can’t compete, but Liz assures her that Enid’s got everything Lila has (wrong) and more (even more wrong!).

Lila throws a pool party and Jessica makes sure that Enid and Elizabeth don’t know about it to help Lila capitalize on time with Jeffrey. He’s polite but decidedly not interested, and when Lila buys him a camera and tripod, he refuses the gift. She tries to lure him with tickets to see soccer in LA, but nothing seems to work, which enrages her.

Meanwhile, Liz is hard at work to create a love connection between Jeffrey and Enid. She tries talking her up to Jeffrey, but he’s much more interested in getting to know Liz, which makes her feel really uncomfortable. She even helps Enid scheme to have Jeffrey auction off a date with himself at the food drive in an attempt to gain time for the two of them. Enid and Jeffrey’s date does not go that well – it is not a love connection, and Enid makes peace with it.

Liz cannot let it go, pushing for the two to spend more time together at the big beach party. Jeffrey finally snaps and tells Liz that he can make his own decisions about who he wants to date, and Liz collapses into the sand in a very dramatic scene and cries until Jessica comes up and gently informs her that maybe Liz is the one that’s in love with Jeffrey. Liz approaches Jeffrey and the two dance, and they admit that’s really love. Of course it is.

The B-Plot: The Wakefield’s slightly younger, much dorkier cousin Jenny comes to visit for two weeks, and she sticks to Jessica like glue. This would be bad enough under normal circumstances, but Jessica is heavily pursuing Eddie Winters, and her attempts to be alone with him are foiled by Jenny, who tags along on their dates and monopolizes conversations. Jessica thinks Eddie’s just being nice, but the truth is that he’s sort of into Jenny – the two really hit it off and spend a night dancing together at the Beach Disco.

The reissue cover – couldn’t find any foreign covers this time

Elizabeth had never tried blatantly to fix anyone up, and it was extremely embarrassing. She had always thought that people were smart enough to figure out who they were interested on their own.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Lila throws a pool party
– Food Drive Week: volleyball game against Parker High; a special auction; a beach party
– Cousin Jenny Townsend comes to visit Wakefields for 2 weeks

Trivia:
– Auction items of note: tickets to see The Number One at Reis Stadium; voucher for a Mr. Collins-cooked meal; a Droids tape; Mr. Jaworski’s red marking pencil; a pic of Bruce in a bathing suit (???)
– The Droids play their new song, “I Feel it For You”

Pop Culture:
– Wuthering Heights
– Mozart, Schubertawsw

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
There might not be a more memorable Sweet Valley High book in terms of Elizabeth Wakefield cringe than this one. The way that she goes on and on about Enid, completely ignoring the social cues that Jeffrey is honestly being pretty nice about is truly wild to behold. To a casual observer*, it might seem as though Elizabeth is in love with Enid, which might give our girl Enid some hope about her feelings for Liz!

But honestly? The book has a rare moment of clarity when it mentions the fact that what Liz is doing is embarrassing, because boy howdy, is it ever embarrassing. More than once, she derails a totally normal conversation to shoe-horn Enid in, and it’s honestly so hard to read! Liz is supposed to be the empathetic one who navigates social situations with dignity and grace. That isn’t present here!

Also worth mentioning that the scene on the beach where Jeffrey yells Liz (and physically shakes her) lives in my head, rent-free, thirty-ish years later. I feel a little weirder about it now than I did even ten years ago when I first recapped this one for the blog – I now firmly want him to keep his hands off of Liz – but I remembered the dialogue line-for-line. I don’t know why!

* It’s me. I’m the casual observer, and I see sapphic undertones EVERYWHERE.

SVH Magna Edition: Elizabeth’s Secret Diary, Vol. II

Estimated Elapsed Time: N/A, as this is a recap of books #55-70

Summary/Overview:

The book starts off with Liz on a date with Todd Wilkins, who is distracted.  When she presses him for what’s going on, he tells her that his friend from Vermont, Michelle Thomas, is coming to visit him.  Liz freaks out about this, because Michelle is the girl who called Todd “cute buns” in a letter to him that one time, and she runs away from their date.  When he shows up at her house with Michelle a few days later, Liz is a raging bitch to them both and then cries to Enid about how sad she is while they eat cookie dough.  She goes to reconcile with Todd and sees him kissing Michelle.  She freaks out, runs home, and cries a lot. Then she picks up one of her journals and starts reading and reminiscing…

These are painful to recap, but not as painful as it is to read them.  Liz quickly recaps books 55-57, mentioning Olivia’s crush on their teacher from the mini-courses before getting to her real interest: herself.  She angsts over Todd moving back to Sweet Valley and her waffling over her feelings for him and her current boyfriend Jeffrey French.  When she decides to ditch Jeffrey and hook back up with Todd, we’re treated to a recap of that gloat-fest, too.  But the diary presents this as Liz actually second-guessing her decision to get back together with Todd and being shocked when Jeffrey rebuffs her attempts to reconcile.  It seems we’re supposed to believe that Liz really misses Jeffrey, which this reader doesn’t buy for a second.

We continue on with inane recaps of books 61-70, which are largely focused on other people’s problems, so I’m not sure why the team behind these books thought this was the section of books to focus on.  Readers are treated to reminders about Patty Gilbert’s problems, Jessica’s adventures in computer dating (this is still one of my favorites because it’s so balls-to-the-wall insane), Elizabeth’s adventures in surfing, a Tricia Martin doppelganger, and Wakefield Parent Drama for several painful books.  Very little insight is provided to readers that they didn’t already know.  There is one “scandalous” scene that is supposed to take place around The Parent Plot, where Jeffrey climbs up a trellis near Liz’s room (is this a thing that existed before this diary?) and they make out.  But conveniently, Todd shows up that same night for some smooches, so Liz literally shoves Jeffrey into the closet so she can make out with Todd before sending him on his way.  Jeffrey is super mad about having to listen to the smooth make out noises of Liz and her actual boyfriend, and he storms off.

But wait, there’s more.  Liz and Todd break up again, and then Sweet Valley deals with both racism (and actual hate crimes but whatever, right?) and sexism.  This might be the most pointless of the secret diary series yet, and I HATED the first round.  There’s no point to these whatsoever.

At any rate, the book ends with Liz seeing Jeffrey out on a date with some rando and Liz realizes that he never looked at her the way he’s looking at this girl, so she thinks they weren’t right for each other after all.  She realizes that she still loves Todd and that they’ve both made kissing mistakes with other people.  She calls him and they make up.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• I don’t have any trivia to provide this time.  The twins do love to wear blue-green items to match their eyes, though! This is a recurring theme that is starting to really grate on me.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Ooh,” Jeffrey joked. “You get me all excited when you say things like ‘male-female ratio!'” (29)
• “Sometime during the week (who cares what day it is?)” (56) [If this doesn’t sum up the way time lapses in this entire series, I don’t know what does.]
• “Don’t punch things?” I asked. “Or don’t hold it in?” (211) [Too bad this was directed at Jeffrey and not Todd]

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

“I’ve been such a hypocrite,” I whispered. I’d judged Todd for kissing Michelle in his backyard. But how many times had I kissed Jeffrey behind Todd’s back? I had no right to criticize him. And it was time to make it up to him. (325)

I’m including this quote because it’s what I’d like to focus on for this analysis.  What’s striking about this quote is not only how clunky it is, shoe-horned in at the last minute, in the literal last couple of pages of a 300+ page book, but also how hilariously tone-deaf it is when considered with the series as a whole.  Throughout these recaps, I’ve harped on and on about the fact that both twins cheat on dudes they are dating REPEATEDLY, despite the fact that Jessica is supposed to be considered the twin who can’t commit.  Liz tends to be the worst offender when it comes to this, because she’s the one who is in a “monogamous” relationship throughout the majority of the series.

But this is supposed to be a huge revelation for Liz at the end of this book, after doing a great deal of self-reflection while reading through old journal entries.  It never ceases to astound me how quickly she flies off the handle about Todd’s behavior when she literally cheats on him any time she goes out of town (or he goes out of town).  It is weird to suddenly have this be the standard for which she can forgive him his trespasses.

I don’t know.  I’m thinking about this too much.  Liz is the worst because she’s self-righteous AND boring AND oblivious about how boring she is.  At least Jessica is practically sociopathic in her denial about her behavior.

SVH: Jessica’s Secret Diary, Vol. I

Estimated Elapsed Time: N/A because this book recaps books 32-40.

Summary/Overview:

Jessica is at a party at the Patman beach house when her boyfriend, Jack (whoever the fuck this is) tells her that he’s secretly been in love with her sister, Elizabeth.  Understandably distraught, Jessica runs home crying and decides to run away.  As she’s packing, she stumbles across a secret diary that no one knows she keeps and begins to revisit her own sordid past.  Oh, good.  More recapping.

We’re first treated to a recap of #32, in which Jessica dyes her hair black and tries to go faux-European.  She also thinks about how cute she thinks Jeffrey French is.  Then we get a recap of heroic Jessica’s impulse decision to bring home a lab puppy who becomes Prince Albert.  Bizarrely, we get info-dumped about #34, even though it’s totally not about Jessica at all.  Same thing with the book about Aaron Dallas’s anger issues (repressed homosexuality?  RIGHT?) and his girlfriend Heather’s baby voice.  UGH GOD WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THE BOOKS CHRONOLOGICALLY WITHOUT SKIPPING ANY.

Then Jessica reads about how she tried to break up Steve and Cara.  That was sweet.  Remember when Jessica thought Alice was pregnant again? Because she likes pistachio ice cream and shit?  Me neither, but it happened.  Jessica reminisces about how she and Steven schemed to keep Elizabeth from going away to boarding school and then actually admits to being pretty into Jeffrey, thinking at one point that she’d send Liz to Switzerland so she could steal Jeffrey away from her.  What a nice sister.  There’s an adorable and not at all tedious recap of the time she and Lila posted personal ads and got set up with the same dude. FINALLY we hit #40, where Jessica reminisces about poor Regina and how she died from that cocaine thing with her heart.  It’s here that she admits that she once went on a date with him, posing as Liz, and when they made out, Jeffrey figured it out but then made out with her some more.  Um, creepy?

Back in the present moment, Jessica cries about her and Jack, her and Jeffrey, Elizabeth too, she guesses, and then for Regina.  She unpacks her clothes and decides to stay.  I’m ready to self-immolate to get away from this book, so let’s call it a day.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• In the present day part of the novel, Ma and Pa Wakefield are out of town in Los Angeles
• Jessica and “Jack” have been dating for one whole month

Memorable Quotes:

• “But for most of the years I’ve known you, Jessica, you fall madly in love about twice a month.  How am I supposed to know when you really mean it?” (4)
• “Jeffrey pulled me roughly toward him again and kissed me even more passionately.  I responded with a moan, feeling as if my heart would explode with a million tiny, twinkling stars of light.” (307)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

So what’s weird about this one is not the present-tense voice, which still bothers me but feels like a more natural fit than the one inflicted on Elizabeth in the previous diary book, but that once again I’m unsure what the lesson is to be learned in this.  As per usual, the message is muddled.

Part of the problem is that so many of the books being recapped in this one weren’t about Jessica at all.  This is only going to get worse with subsequent volumes of the diaries (ugh I can’t believe there are two more for EACH TWIN), but it still makes the lack of plot pretty glaring here.  Also, boring.  Like, really really boring.

The biggest issue here though is that I think the reader is supposed to realize (alongside Jessica) that the girls love each other and value one another so deeply that they can’t be apart.  But everything that happens in these books only goes to further illustrate what an asshole Jessica is.  So, I guess I don’t get it?

SVH: Elizabeth’s Secret Diary, Vol. I

Estimated Elapsed Time: N/A, as this is a recap of books 23-31

Summary/Overview:

Liz and Todd are making out in his room instead of studying.  There’s a lot of weird almost-sex talk about how they never let themselves be alone in each other’s rooms, and then Todd takes a phone call from Ken Matthews and Liz snoops around Todd’s desk, finding a letter from a girl he knew in Vermont.  She calls him cute-buns and sends him lots of love and kisses, and Liz FREAKS OUT.  That night, she ends up in the arms of Jeffrey French, and they make out.  Confused, Liz goes home crying and opens one of her old journals.  Cue flashbacks!

We’re dumped into #28, when Liz finds out that Todd is moving with his family to Vermont.  After he leaves and they agree to do a long-distance thing, Liz starts hanging out and making out with Nicholas Morrow.  If this is supposed to be scandalous, it’s not.  When Todd comes to visit, the two make up and he climbs a ladder into her bedroom.

After that, we’re treated to a retread of #29, where Steven mopes about his dead fucking girlfriend and his new feelings for Cara.  Liz also chases a Todd lookalike around Sweet Valley (DOPPELGANGER ALERT).  I can’t be bothered to care about any of this.  After that excitement, Liz boasts about helping poor Emily Mayer cope with a blended family and then negotiate a hostage situation (when it’s written out like this, is it more or less ridiculous? I can’t tell anymore).  Also, Liz’s writing is SO GOOD that people steal it, like Ken Matthews did that one time but he totally learned his lesson and they’re cool now.

For whatever fucking reason, we are treated to a very long recap of Lynne Henry’s makeover transformation, and then Liz and Ken start hanging out a lot because now she’s “single” and she and Todd chat on the phone about people he’s dating in Vermont.  Oh, and she reconnects with Amy Sutton but thinks she’s a snob.  WHEN WILL THIS END.  By the time the book gets around to recapping #31, where she and Jessica fight over which of their friends gets to date Jeffrey (like this is a reward?), Liz and Ken aren’t really seeing each other any more, and then Liz decides that she loves Jeffrey.

In the present, Liz stays up all night reading her journal and realizes that her life has been exciting and amazing.  Todd drives over to the Wakefield house and they make up.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Liz has an awful lot of poetry written in her diaries, and they’re all terrible.  Check it: “Rainy Sunday/Foggy Monday/Closely creeping fears,/Can’t take much more of this./Drive east, drive fast/until at last/desert rainbows dry my tears/like a kiss.”

Memorable Quotes:

• “She’s my sister and I adore her, but sometimes she can be so…shallow. Forgive me, Diary, but it’s true.” (27)
• “‘Congratulations,’ I whispered. ‘You’ve just become the first man to successfully scale Mount Wakefield!'” (53) [This is sexual, right?]
• “I glanced at Amy out of the corner of my eye. Could she really be as heartless as she sounded?” (236)
• “I’m only sixteen, and already my life has been so full!” (322) [Wait, this is the takeaway?]

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

It’s weird that this book is written in first-person.  I had completely forgotten about that, though I guess it makes sense, since the reader is supposed to be in Liz’s diary.  But it’s jarring to read this first-person perspective of Liz that doesn’t sound at all how she should sound, in my opinion.

Also, this book is so fucking boring.  It’s like watching a clips-heavy episode of a comedy from the 90s.  There’s no real reason to show all these things readers have already experienced, and by adding in details that I refuse to accept as cannon at this point, the book is doing itself no favors.  There’s no reason–except to sell more books and make more money–to recap the books in a huge volume like this.  It makes no sense.

Which brings me to the thing that I find most disturbing about this book.  At the beginning, Liz is upset because Todd saw some other girl while he was in Vermont, which WE ALREADY KNEW, and then wonders if he’s loved other people besides her.  So she turns to her diary, which documents every covert hookup with basically every dude in Sweet Valley (no shame here, just pointing out the facts), some of which she had genuine feelings for.  At the end of the book, though, she realizes that her life has been full and exciting, and she feels better about everything?  What?  Wasn’t the point that she was doing some soul-searching about her feelings for Todd?

Also, isn’t the message here: your experiences with boys define you?  Am I wrong?

SVH Super Star: Enid’s Story

Estimated Elapsed Time: Roughly 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Inexplicably, it’s Christmastime in Sweet Valley once again, and Enid and Elizabeth are looking forward to a lot of time together over the holiday because Enid is single and Todd will be skiing with his family in Utah.  Enid is secretly thrilled that she’ll have Liz all to herself, but Liz is very upset about spending Christmas without Todd.  To try to cheer her up, Enid brings Liz to the Dairi Burger, where she ends up under the mistletoe with her ex, Jeffrey French.  The two share a kiss that’s supposed to be a joke but actually fires up Liz quite a bit.  That’s too bad, because it sort of looks like Jeffrey might be interested in Enid, as he invites her to go to the ice skating party with him the next day.

At first, Liz isn’t going to go to the party because she wants to mope about how she misses Todd.  But Jessica convinces her to go, and she FREAKS OUT when she sees Enid and Jeffrey skating together.  Liz believes that there’s something going on between them and Enid has been downplaying it.  Enid apologizes and Elizabeth accepts, but that doesn’t stop Enid from going to a movie with Jeffrey that night.  She’s pretty sure that he’s interested in her, too, but he keeps bringing up Liz.  When Enid stops by his house to give him his Christmas present, he wants to obsess over the fact that Elizabeth baked him cookies.  This upsets Enid, who realizes that her feelings for him are either completely one-sided, or he’s very confused about what he wants.

Wallowing in her pain, she goes out with a former friend from her wild-child days, Brian Saunders.  She ran into him at the ice-skating party, and then he called her and begged her to go out with him.  He swears he’s a changed man, and the two have a nice dinner at a Thai restaurant.  But then he wants to take her to a friend’s house, and though she’s hesitant, she agrees.  Turns out there’s a massive party happening, and Enid leaves a totally-drunk Brian and cabs it home.

Things go from bad to worse for her when she goes to meet her absent-father at the Recency Hotel.  They’re supposed to have lunch together, but when she gets there, he’s already at the bar, reeking of gin and drunk off his ass.  They have a horrible interaction and she runs home crying to her mother, who she promptly blames for her father’s drunkenness.  Her mother tells her that her father has a serious alcohol problem and the two sort of reconcile.

But Enid still feels bad about her dad and worse about Jeffrey.  She reluctantly goes to a Christmas Eve party with Jeffrey at her ex-boyfriend George Warren’s house, but when Jeffrey asks to take Liz aside Enid figures it’s because they’re getting back together.  They aren’t, though.  Jeffrey and Liz clarify their feelings of friendship for each other and part ways amicably.  When Jeffrey goes to find Enid, she’s dancing with Brian (why is he at this party?) and decides to leave with him to piss off Jeffrey.

The two end up drunk and stoned at Miller’s Point.  That escalated quickly.  Jessica brings her date up to the spot and sees Enid out of her mind blitzed, but instead of helping, she goes back to the party.  Meanwhile, both of Enid’s parents are worried about her.  Her dad is sober enough to go look for her, and tries Kelly’s Bar before heading up to Miller’s Point after Jessica spills the beans about what she saw to Liz.

Brian has been joyriding them around in his car even though Enid has begged for him to let her out.  He ends up crashing the car, flipping it over, and starting it on fire.  Luckily, Enid’s dad shows up and pulls her from the wreck before it combusts.  Brian and Enid’s dad are both badly burned, though.  Everyone ends up in the hospital for some reconciliation.

Lila throws a New Year’s Eve party and everyone is there.  Todd and Liz are reunited and Jeffrey and Enid kiss.  Their relationship is left completely undefined, which is good, because I’m pretty sure we will never hear of it again.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Jessica references Dorothy Hamill when she talks about her own skating skills.  Jeffrey tells Enid she’ll soon skate like Sonja Henie.  Hello, dated references.
• Enid’s gift ideas for Jeffrey’s mom: perfume, a scarf, a fancy cake plate that spins around and sings a song (she already has one), a magazine subscription
• Enid’s Christmas present for Liz: heart-shaped pink satin box. Elizabeth’s present for Enid: a framed picture of her and Enid.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Enid looked at Elizabeth affectionately. Elizabeth was always wonderful to be with. She was a warm and friendly girl, the one person everyone at school really liked.”  (2) [Blogger’s note: We’re on page two, and I’m already so creeped out I don’t know how I can go on.]
• “‘That’s a great idea,’ Jeffrey said enthusiastically. ‘My mom’s always saying that feminism just means a woman gets to have two careers–one inside and one outside the home!'” (33)
• “‘You’re grown up now, Enid. You should know that there’s nothing wrong with having a couple. Besides, I remember you used to do a little drinking yourself.'” (113)
• “Why do I even try? she wondered. What was the point of going straight and pulling myself together if this is where it gets me? At least before, I was too stoned to notice how miserable life can be.” (126)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

There are a lot of reasons I dreaded reading this one, and most of them have to do with the fact that Enid is pretty much the worst character to get her own Super Star book.  I mean, I might hate Bruce Patman because I think he’s a misogynistic sociopath, but at least he’s kind of interesting at the same time.  Enid doesn’t even have that going for her, which is why I refer to her as the “dripmaster.”  What’s funny, or perhaps alarming, is that it’s pretty clear that the ghost writer didn’t think Enid was very interesting, either, because almost half of this book focuses on Elizabeth’s problems.  Isn’t this supposed to be all about Enid?  Isn’t this her moment to shine?  WRONG! LIZ HAS FEELINGS.

If you are able to separate out the fact that it seems as though Enid’s feelings for Elizabeth run deeper than simply platonic friendship, this book still isn’t that interesting.  Enid finally gets a shot at romance, and it’s with Elizabeth’s leftovers! What is it about this town that encourages such incestuous relationships between its teens?  Furthermore, what “best friend” would ever think it was okay to go after her best friend’s ex-boyfriend, especially when readers know how serious it was for Liz and Jeffrey?

I get that life happens and we can’t actually help who we are attracted to.  I understand, even that if we adhere to the series’ cannon, Enid set her sights on Jeffrey first–although wasn’t that at Liz’s insane urging, because she didn’t want to admit her feelings for Jeffrey?  I’m even willing to admit that maybe these girls are more emotionally mature than I am and could accept their best friend hooking up with their ex–but based on how easily they freak out about stupid stuff, I doubt it.