SVH #43: Hard Choices (Revisited)

“Well, for one thing, I think he asks too many personal questions,” her grandmother said in a hoarse whisper. She cast a glance in the direction of the kitchen. “And the way he drinks – didn’t you notice? I think he’s probably an alcoholic.”

The original cover, circa 1988. Can anyone tell me WHAT Enid is wearing?

Details: Originally published January 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid’s excited about her grandmother coming to live with her and her mother Adele. Mrs. Langevin, as she’s referred to throughout the book, is apparently a ton of old lady spunky fun. Both Enid and her mom go out of their way to make Nana feel welcome; Enid even moves her stuff up to the attic so that Nana can have her room on the house’s main floor. But when Mrs. Langevin arrives, she’s a shell of her former self. She’s frail, withdrawn, and needy.

For a while, both Adele and Enid do their best to accommodate her needs. Enid ends up bearing the brunt of this: she has to cancel plans with her boyfriend Hugh and bail on helping Elizabeth with a documentary project (more on that in the B-plot); and things get worse for her when her grandma tells her that Hugh is the wrong boy for her and that all her friends suck.

Things boil over on a Saturday night, when Adele has made plans to attend an important work event with her boyfriend Richard and Enid is supposed to attend the documentary premiere at the Wakefield house. Nana refuses to have a stranger come stay with her and then claims that she can’t be left alone in case she gets sick. Adele tells Enid she’ll have to stay, and that’s when Enid loses it: she blows up at her grandmother and tells her what a holy terror she’s being, and then she rushes off to the premiere.

There, she confides in Elizabeth about what’s been going on and then freaks out about leaving her grandmother alone. When she returns to the house, she’s surprised to find her grandma making cookies. The two eat cookies, have a heart-to-heart, and when Adele arrives back home, Nana announces she’s going back to Chicago. Okay…?

The B-Plot: Jackson Croft, famous film director, has announced a student documentary film contest. Elizabeth decides to enter with a piece called “This is Sweet Valley,” and she enlists the help of Jessica, Jeffrey, and Enid to create the film. They premiere it at the Wakefield’s house to massive success.

Her grandmother held up her hand. “I thought so the other day when they were here, too, but I didn’t want to say anything. Especially that Liz. She seems very bossy to me, ordering everyone around.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Documentary film contest
– Enid’s nana moves in from Chicago
– Movie premiere/party at the Wakefield house

Trivia:
– The library has a large print book exchange with other libraries in the state
– Jeremy Frank from “Frankly Speaking” gets another shout-out here
– The Droids perform a song called “Meltdown”

Pop Culture:
– Superbowl
– Edward Lear

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)

I mean, this holds up in terms of being memorable for how incredibly ageist it manages to be while also creating the world’s most annoying grandma. The emotional manipulation that the character Mrs. Langevin engages in is truly something to behold. It’s not subtle, but it is effective in irritating both the characters around her and me, the reader. I wanted to shake the old biddy more than once.

The problem is that the story can’t seem to get consistent about what’s going on. Either Enid and Adele can’t leave her alone, or they can – but the book picks and chooses whenever it’s convenient for the plot. Adele works away from the home all day, and Enid is in school, so ostensibly Mrs. Langevin is home alone then, but leaving her by herself for a few hours while they both attend events on a weekend night is impossible? They can’t leave her alone because she “might” get sick? Excuse me, what?

What’s so funny is that the dramatic tension is already there without this absolutely hackneyed plot point. Enid is feeling strained trying to balance supporting her grandma and having a social life, and Adele is obviously stressed about managing a household, her job, a fairly new relationship, and the arrival of her mother, but the book doesn’t provide any nuance for this and instead just makes Mrs. Langevin into an irrational toddler until she does an abrupt about-face and then…leaves? Will we ever see her again?

SVH #38: Leaving Home (Revisited)

“Gag,” Jessica said, getting up to look in the cupboards. “No wonder this girl didn’t make it to maturity. She sounds like she was more of a saint than a human being.”

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in July 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages

Summary/Overview: Elizabeth decides she wants to go to school in Switzerland. There’s a boarding school there called the Interlochen School (not the one in Michigan, I guess), and it has a strong focus on writing and literature. Luckily, there’s also a scholarship for teenage girls between the ages of 15-17 who live in California, and so Liz decides to apply. The application process is pretty rigorous, including letters of recommendation, writing samples, and two different character interviews, including one with the applicant’s family (weird).

To say that her friends and family are jazzed about this entire thing would be an overstatement. While Jeffrey and Enid decide to be supportive, Jessica and Steven decide to actively try to sabotage the application. Jeffrey and Enid work on a scrapbook, devoting so much time to it that Liz thinks they’re secretly hooking up behind her back. Meanwhile, Jess and Steven act like fools during the family interview and Jess does a #twinswitch and pretends to be Liz at school, even going so far as to hit on the interviewer in a scene that has not aged well at all!

Liz finds out what her siblings have been doing and has an absolute meltdown about it. While she’s in the middle of screaming at them, the interviewer shows up at her house (???) and offers her the scholarship, telling her that they came clean about their scheme. Jeffrey and Enid show up with the scrapbook and Liz realizes that the magic of Sweet Valley is better magic than the magic of Switzerland, or something, and decides to stay, turning down the scholarship. Okay!

The B-Plot: Winston buys a lottery ticket and decides to throw a “Get Rich Quick” party because he’s certain he’s going to win. Then he accidentally switches jackets with a poor old man at the convenience store and ends up with that man’s lottery ticket – and it’s the winner! He goes back and forth about what to do before finally returning the winning ticket to its rightful owner, and everyone calls him a hero. I’m so bored.

“Dad!” Elizabeth shrieked. “He’ll think we have a broken family or something.”

The German cover, translated to “Jessica and her Thousand Tricks”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks
– Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s
– Beach Disco
– Scholarship application process for Liz

Trivia:
– More brand-name madness: Diet Coke and Oreos are mentioned
– The Droids have a “hit” song called “Something Sure”
– According to this one, Steve’s school is an hour away?
– Jeffrey’s birthday is July 12

Pop Culture:
– Star Trek

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)
This is not one of the better Sweet Valley High novels. I don’t think that any reader of this series thought for a second that Elizabeth was actually going to move to Switzerland, so the stakes feel pretty low throughout the book. I’m not crazy about a book that goes heavy on an Enid subplot, either. And the way that Jessica and Steven act throughout this book doesn’t just strain credulity, it actively annoys. The whole thing is a boring bummer.

This one sucks and was boring.

SVH #31: Taking Sides (Revisited)

“Jeffrey French,” Jessica said dreamily. “What a wonderful name. He’s got to be really romantic with a name like French.”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published in September 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 134 pages.

Summary/Overview: Jeffrey French is the new boy at school, having moved from a (timber) farm in Oregon. Enid is nursing a crush on him, and Elizabeth promises to help fix her up with him. When Lila expresses interest in Jeffrey, Jessica encourages her to go for it. Enid is horrified, afraid she can’t compete, but Liz assures her that Enid’s got everything Lila has (wrong) and more (even more wrong!).

Lila throws a pool party and Jessica makes sure that Enid and Elizabeth don’t know about it to help Lila capitalize on time with Jeffrey. He’s polite but decidedly not interested, and when Lila buys him a camera and tripod, he refuses the gift. She tries to lure him with tickets to see soccer in LA, but nothing seems to work, which enrages her.

Meanwhile, Liz is hard at work to create a love connection between Jeffrey and Enid. She tries talking her up to Jeffrey, but he’s much more interested in getting to know Liz, which makes her feel really uncomfortable. She even helps Enid scheme to have Jeffrey auction off a date with himself at the food drive in an attempt to gain time for the two of them. Enid and Jeffrey’s date does not go that well – it is not a love connection, and Enid makes peace with it.

Liz cannot let it go, pushing for the two to spend more time together at the big beach party. Jeffrey finally snaps and tells Liz that he can make his own decisions about who he wants to date, and Liz collapses into the sand in a very dramatic scene and cries until Jessica comes up and gently informs her that maybe Liz is the one that’s in love with Jeffrey. Liz approaches Jeffrey and the two dance, and they admit that’s really love. Of course it is.

The B-Plot: The Wakefield’s slightly younger, much dorkier cousin Jenny comes to visit for two weeks, and she sticks to Jessica like glue. This would be bad enough under normal circumstances, but Jessica is heavily pursuing Eddie Winters, and her attempts to be alone with him are foiled by Jenny, who tags along on their dates and monopolizes conversations. Jessica thinks Eddie’s just being nice, but the truth is that he’s sort of into Jenny – the two really hit it off and spend a night dancing together at the Beach Disco.

The reissue cover – couldn’t find any foreign covers this time

Elizabeth had never tried blatantly to fix anyone up, and it was extremely embarrassing. She had always thought that people were smart enough to figure out who they were interested on their own.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Lila throws a pool party
– Food Drive Week: volleyball game against Parker High; a special auction; a beach party
– Cousin Jenny Townsend comes to visit Wakefields for 2 weeks

Trivia:
– Auction items of note: tickets to see The Number One at Reis Stadium; voucher for a Mr. Collins-cooked meal; a Droids tape; Mr. Jaworski’s red marking pencil; a pic of Bruce in a bathing suit (???)
– The Droids play their new song, “I Feel it For You”

Pop Culture:
– Wuthering Heights
– Mozart, Schubertawsw

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
There might not be a more memorable Sweet Valley High book in terms of Elizabeth Wakefield cringe than this one. The way that she goes on and on about Enid, completely ignoring the social cues that Jeffrey is honestly being pretty nice about is truly wild to behold. To a casual observer*, it might seem as though Elizabeth is in love with Enid, which might give our girl Enid some hope about her feelings for Liz!

But honestly? The book has a rare moment of clarity when it mentions the fact that what Liz is doing is embarrassing, because boy howdy, is it ever embarrassing. More than once, she derails a totally normal conversation to shoe-horn Enid in, and it’s honestly so hard to read! Liz is supposed to be the empathetic one who navigates social situations with dignity and grace. That isn’t present here!

Also worth mentioning that the scene on the beach where Jeffrey yells Liz (and physically shakes her) lives in my head, rent-free, thirty-ish years later. I feel a little weirder about it now than I did even ten years ago when I first recapped this one for the blog – I now firmly want him to keep his hands off of Liz – but I remembered the dialogue line-for-line. I don’t know why!

* It’s me. I’m the casual observer, and I see sapphic undertones EVERYWHERE.

SVH #29: Bitter Rivals (Revisited)

Enid had always valued Elizabeth’s taste and judgment. She must realize that Amy Sutton was acting like a total airhead! But to her shock, Elizabeth was smiling fondly at Amy across the table.

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in June 1986. Paperback, 138 pages.

Summary/Overview: Liz’s childhood best friend Amy Sutton has moved back to Sweet Valley, and Liz is overjoyed. She is sure that Amy will fit in seamlessly with her friendship with Enid, and that the three of them will have a great time. But Liz is surprised to find that Amy seems to have shifted in her priorities and interests, and that she seemingly has a lot more in common with Jessica and Lila than she would ever have guessed. Amy likes to talk about boys and tries out for the cheerleading team and blows off a lot of plans with Elizabeth.

While this bothers Liz, her kink* is being a doormat, so she allows it to go on, unchecked, for a very long time. Enid seems to have Amy’s number pretty early on, but she hides her true feelings from Elizabeth, afraid that if she tells her how she really feels, she’ll drive a wedge even further between them. Things come to a head when Elizabeth asks Enid to reschedule their ski trip at her aunt’s cabin in Lake Tahoe for the third time because Amy wants to attend Lila’s costume party.

Enid does begrudgingly reschedule, and she attends the party, which is partially being held in honor of Lila’s cousin Christopher (visiting from Maine). Amy is into him and tries to flirt, but he only has eyes for Enid, who he remembers from sailing camp. Amy snaps at Enid and manipulates Christopher into giving her a ride home. Enid thinks Liz allowed this to happen and blows up at her.

Liz finally comes to her senses about Amy and apologizes to Enid. The girls make up and all is well again. Amy becomes firmly ensconced in the world of Jessica and Lila.

*this is a joke! I am not kink-shaming, I swear

The B-Plot: Jessica and Cara have started a weekly advice column in the Oracle called “Dear Miss Lovelorn.” At first, Jessica and Cara give pretty decent advice, but it isn’t long before Jessica decides to use the column for her own personal gain: faking letters to break up Jay McGuire and his girlfriend Denise Hadley, because Jessica wants to go out with Jay. It works for a while: Jessica spends some quality time with him at Miller’s Point, but like most of her schemes, it ultimately backfires. When she forgets to submit her copy for the week’s paper, Liz goes ahead and publishes letters from Jay and Denise about how much they miss each other (Jessica had plans to destroy this evidence), and the two get back together. Jessica, true to form, gets over this fairly quickly.

“I hope it works out,” Elizabeth said sincerely, thinking privately that the last person she’d ever want involved with her love life would be Lila Fowler.

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Costume party at Lila’s
– Amy Sutton moves back to Sweet Valley
– Cheerleading tryouts (again)

The Danish cover with a direct translation

Trivia:
– Lila mentions booking an LA-based band called The Number One
– Amy mentions “hating herself” if she goes an ounce over 110 pounds. Woof.
– Costumes at Lila’s party: Liz and Enid go as skiers, Jessica is Cleopatra, Amy goes as a ballerina, Lila is Princess Diana, Steven and Cara are Raggedy Ann and Andy

Pop Culture:
– Romeo & Juliet
– Cleopatra
– Prince Charming

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
Enid is definitely in love with Elizabeth, right? I’m only half-joking: I think that you could argue that there’s a connecting thread throughout the series regarding how Enid thinks about Elizabeth (incredibly preoccupied with how smart and beautiful and kind she is, very concerned about maintaining Liz’s attention) that skews a little sapphic, especially with a more modern lens, and it’s impossible not to see it in this book. Enid is really into Liz, and it definitely feels like it’s more than just friendship for her.

Which is okay! Wouldn’t this be a much more interesting book if the characters had been allowed to be anything but (cis) straight people? Wouldn’t the dynamics between the three girls in this story be way more interesting to parse if the book leaned into the fact that Enid’s stake in maintaining a relationship with Elizabeth is totally different than Amy’s?

Speaking of Amy: I’m not actually sure what Amy’s game was here. She definitely used Liz for a few things (like a ride home), but she didn’t seem to be at all interested in an actual friendship with her? I guess you could make the argument that she, too, was holding onto the nostalgia of their childhood friendship, but it didn’t really read that way to me. She just…sucks?

SVH #20: Crash Landing! (Revisited)

“Hamburgers are gauche,” Jessica told him. “What I like is called haute cuisine. You guys probably don’t know what that means.”

The original cover, circa 1985. Liz looks great!

Details: Originally published in June 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 151 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid and George are up in a tiny plane after he gets his pilot’s license. Even though George has fallen in love with Robin Wilson, he had promised Enid the first ride and he’s a man of his word. When the plane stalls out, they make an emergency landing in Secca Lake. Enid swims around to rescue an unconscious George and hits her back so hard that she loses feeling. She’s paralyzed!

After surgery to repair a pinched nerve in her back, doctors claim that Enid should be able to walk again with a little physical therapy. But she doesn’t seem to make any progress, and the tighter she holds onto George, the more distant he seems to grow. Elizabeth, of course, knows that this is due in large part because he’s in love with someone else but feels he can’t leave Enid while she’s wheelchair-bound. He takes her to a dance where everyone is extremely weird about the fact that she had the audacity to show up in a chair, and when Enid makes him dance with Robin, she realizes that he has feelings for her but goes into further denial about it all.

Elizabeth decides that it’s time for Enid to start walking again and enlists the help of Teddy Collins, precocious child of Mr. Collins. She invites Enid over while she’s “babysitting” Teddy, and leaves them out by the pool. Teddy pretends to fall in and drown while Elizabeth is in the house, and Enid leaps out of her chair and into the water to rescue him. She’s cured! Everyone cheers.

She realizes she needs to break up with George and the two remain friends.

The B-Plot: Jessica and Lila take a gourmet cooking class and Jessica becomes smitten with the French chef. She’s convinced that he’ll want to date her, even though he’s in his twenties and shows no interest in her whatsoever. On the day she plans to ask him to take her to a high school dance, she meets his wife and aborts the mission. However, she likes cooking and plans an extravagant seafood meal for her family – but accidentally gives them food poisoning by serving them mussels that have gone bad. When she tells her parents she’s planned to cook them a romantic dinner for their anniversary, they demure, and she’s incredibly offended.

“I can’t bear it!” Elizabeth said. “I can’t stand the thought of Enid living like an invalid!”

I couldn’t find a better pic of this (hardcover?) version with the weird red banner over the pic. I hate it!

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4-6 weeks
– Plane crash in Secca Lake (while classmates have a bbq nearby)
– Gourmet cooking class (Jessica and Lila)
– School Dance
– Liz and Todd’s “monthly anniversary” and Ned and Alice’s anniversary

Trivia:
– Jessica wears a cream-colored dress to the dance
– First hint of Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton dating
– In a case of bizarre retconning, we’re given psychopath Jack’s last name: Howard. A bit too late, ghost writers!
– Apparently the twins still plan to be tour guides this summer, a plot point that has not been mentioned in 15 books

Pop Culture:
– Cosmopolitan
– Pillsbury Dough Boy
– Robert Redford

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):

Let’s start with the funniest part of this one: Jessica’s obsession with a French chef who displays absolutely no personality traits whatsoever (but must be hot, I guess), and her absolutely deluded assertion that a man in his mid-twenties would be game for a high school dance (in the school’s gymnasium) with a sixteen-year-old as a date. This has not aged well, if indeed it ever seemed like a good subplot!

Of all the “mysterious medical conditions at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital,” this is certainly one of them! I absolutely believe that the mind is a powerful thing, and that a person could develop a “psychological block” about their physical progress, but all of the stuff about Enid not being able to walk is so incredibly weird! It’s weird that she gave her back a little bump and loses all feelings in her legs, but there’s no indication that she broke anything in her spine. It’s weird that the doctors “operate” on her but the recovery process is basically like, “go home and start walking, kid!” It’s weird that everyone just carts Enid and her wheelchair around with absolutely no training – and I could not stop thinking about the catheter situation that must also have been part of this!

But also, the scene where Enid and George show up at the dance and everyone is extremely weird about it is honestly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read! Lila actually sneers about how inappropriate it is and wonders what Enid will do all night, and I wanted to shake her and say, “IDK, Lila, probably the same thing you’re doing, which is talking a lot of shit and not dancing!”

Weird ableist bullshit, man. Thanks I hate it!

SVH #6: Dangerous Love (Revisited)

‘How’s my favorite motorcycle mama?’

The original cover, circa 1984

Details: Originally published in March 1984, by Bantam Books. Paperback, 132 pages.

Summary: Todd has purchased a Yamaha motorcycle and can’t wait to take Elizabeth on it. Elizabeth has tied herself up in knots with worry because she has not told Todd that she can never ride on it. The Wakefields lost their cousin Rexy in a motorcycle accident three years previously and had made a promise to their parents to never get on a bike. When Elizabeth finally explains this to Todd, he’s understanding. Things are complicated by the fact that Liz gets jealous when he gives rides to other girls, including Mandy Farmer and Enid. Todd gets jealous when Liz accepts a car ride from Guy.

When the two of them realize that the motorcycle is coming between them, Todd decides to sell the bike to Jerry “Crunch” McAllister. But before he can, Liz tells him they should take one ride together – from the Sweet Valley Country Club to the Caravan for the after party. Todd crashes the motorcycle in a van accident with Crunch, and Liz ends up in a coma. The Wakefields blame Todd at first until Mr. Collins tells them what happened, and then they all wait for Liz to wake up. But will she?

I’ve never seen this cover before and I’m INTO IT

The B-Plot: Enid is turning 16, and her mom has gone crazy with the party planning. Jessica asks Liz to ask Enid if her hot cousin Brian can be Jessica’s date, and at first Enid refuses because she hates Jessica, but eventually she relents. The party is a fancy success, and Jessica and Brian make out.

‘Yes, the tests showed nothing wrong,’ Elizabeth’s father continued. ‘But she’s still in the coma.’

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated elapsed time: 3 weeks
– Reopening of the Dairi Burger
– Enid’s Sweet Sixteen at the Country Club

Trivia:
– According to this, Enid skipped a grade and is the youngest junior at SVH, which makes her sordid history even harder to believe
– Danny drives a Trans Am
– The “Doherty Brothers” own the Dairi Burger
– The Caravan is a new rock club

Pop Culture References:
– Loony-tunes

The reboot cover, circa 2009

Does it hold up? (A Critical Analysis):

As much as any of these do, I guess. The central conflict – that Todd wants to ride a motorcycle and Liz doesn’t/can’t – actually works fairly well, once we get past the whole “these two people could fix this with a conversation” thing. I even buy the fact that they’d both be jealous of the fact that they’re giving or catching rides with other people of the opposite sex. It feels very human and relatable, even if I don’t buy Guy Chesney all of a sudden making a pass at Elizabeth.

What doesn’t make any sense is how quickly everything goes to shit. I understand that accidents happen, but it’s a lot to swallow that the first time on the bike, Liz and Todd crash and she ends up in a coma. Was she wearing a helmet? Unclear! But what’s absolutely hysterical to me is that the doctors confirm that there’s no internal damage to Elizabeth – including brain damage – while she’s still actively in a coma. This isn’t a medically-induced coma, either – this is a mysterious coma that doesn’t indicate brain damage. I’m not a doctor, but I’m fairly confident that isn’t a thing? Obviously these books aren’t looking to be exact mirrors for reality, but this is next-level soap opera stuff, and it sucks.

Other things of note: Enid hosts a chaperoned after-party at the Caravan, a new dance club, and it starts at midnight – none of these kids have a curfew? Does the state have one for minors?

SVH #2: Secrets (Revisited)

‘I just hope Ronnie’s not on one of his jealousy trips again. Remember the time he got mad at her for talking to that guy at Guido’s?’

‘All she was trying to do was make sure he didn’t put anchovies on her pizza.’

Original cover, circa 1983

Details: SVH #2: Secrets was originally published in November 1983 by Bantam Books. The paperback copy I have was produced by Cloverdale Books.

Summary: Enid confesses to Elizabeth that she has a sordid past – two years prior, she did a lot of drugs and fell in with a bad crowd. Her wake-up call came when she was joy-riding around with George Warren in his GTO and they hit a little boy. The little boy lived, but she ended up in rehab and on probation and turned her life around. She cut ties with the bad crowd but continued to correspond with George, whose parents sent him away to a private school. Enid begs Liz to keep this a secret, even after showing her letters from George, because she’s convinced that her boyfriend Ronnie will break up with her if he finds out.

Meanwhile, Jessica has set her sights on Bruce Patman and becomes convinced that the way to get him to notice her is to be crowned Fall Queen at the dance, since she’s sure he’s a shoo-in for the King role. Her competition is Enid, but when she discovers that one of George’s letters fell underneath Elizabeth’s bed, she shows it to Ronnie in an attempt to sabotage Enid. Ronnie freaks out on Enid and assaults her in his car before dumping her. Enid thinks Liz must have told him about the letters and freaks out on Liz.

Enid finally realizes that Liz couldn’t have been behind it, and her realization is helped when George Warren shows up on her doorstep after a serious glow-up. The two kiss and go to the dance together.

When Liz finally pieces together the fact that this entire thing was the work of Jessica, she enacts a revenge plot with no teeth: she makes sure that Jessica wins Fall queen and that Winston Egbert is crowned her king, ensuring that the two have to do all sorts of school activities together for the rest of the semester.

The B-Plot: Rumors are circulating around the school that young and beautiful French teacher Ms. Dalton is having an affair with her student, Ken Matthews, who clearly has a crush on her. The rumors are not true – Lila has been spreading the rumors because her father has been dating Ms. Dalton and Lila is jealous of losing time with him.

‘Or maybe someone’s about to get fired,’ sneered Caroline. ‘My father plays golf with old Chrome Dome and says he’s practically Billy Graham when it comes to stuff like teachers’ morals.’

Reboot cover, circa 2009

Social Calendar Roundup:
– Lila throws a party complete with “French” wine
– Fall Dance/Fall King & Queen announced

Trivia:
– Todd has a brother in this book – this will not remain the case
– Lila apparently sings soprano in the school choir
– George is supposed to be starting at Sweet Valley College “next semester”

Pop Culture References:
– Bo Derek in 10
– Ernest Hemingway
– Wonder Woman/Superman
– Sherlock Holmes
– Little Bo Peep
– E.T.
– Dr. Jekyl & Mr. Hyde
– Burt Reynolds

I found this while looking for covers – this is from a condensed version of the book for younger readers

Does it hold up? (A Critical Analysis):

NOPE! This book has historically been one of my least favorites, because it’s really boring (one of the only times I side with Jessica is when it comes to Enid: she’s boring and adds nothing to this series) and because I don’t think it does much to further the series as a whole. I suppose we do get the setup of Enid and George, which is a pretty steady relationship in the series (at least for a while???), but the rest of this one is really forgettable to me.

Except, of course, when it comes to the way that the whole Ronnie situation is handled. Once again, I am left scratching my head about how the book chooses to approach what is clearly abuse, and what the ultimate messaging seems to be. While both Todd and Elizabeth seem to recognize that Ronnie’s behavior isn’t healthy, they talk about it in such a way where it’s clear they’re minimizing what’s happening. Todd calls Ronnie “inflexible,” when the word he is absolutely looking for is “abusive,” “manipulative,” or “controlling.” Or all three!

Ronnie blowing up at Enid talking to a waiter to make sure he gets her order right? That’s abuse, baby! Her worrying that if she even glances at someone of the male sex, Ronnie will go off the deep end? Also abuse! I know that this book was written nearly forty years ago (woof), but it’s so weird to me that this was normalized to the degree it was here? He gets physical with her right before he breaks up with her, and that scene is clearly supposed to be Not Okay, but even that feels weirdly minimized. The way this book handles abuse is very bad, and it should feel bad about it!

There’s also the whole Ms. Dalton/Ken Matthews of it all. Crushes on teachers happen (I was a twenty-three year old teaching high school, I remember it well), but the way that it was dealt with was so weird to me? There’s a scene where another high school guy goes on and on about how hot Ms. Dalton is and gets weirdly specific about her body, and the entire thing was just incredibly cringe! I can’t imagine this being the case if the genders were swapped, and it left such a bad taste in my mouth!

SVH #128: Kiss of a Killer

“It does seem unlikely that a town the size of Sweet Valley would have two deranged killers,” Winston chimed in.

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

We begin with Elizabeth coming to from her fainting spell in the previous book to discover that Katrina is still dead and that everything is still terrible. She takes a moment to appreciate being in Todd’s arms before attempting to perform CPR on Katrina, but Jonathan comes downstairs with Jessica and pronounces her really really dead. The cops arrive and bust the party, because not only is there a dead person in the house, but everyone is out after curfew.

Todd drives Elizabeth home and it seems like they might get back together until he sees Joey’s car in the Wakefield driveway, so Todd storms off again. Elizabeth and Joey make out and Elizabeth wonders if her heart’s in it. She’s surprised to find that Jessica didn’t come home and tries to wait up for her, but Jessica spends the night with Jonathan, who literally turns into a raven in front of her and transports her to the beach (?) before sucking on her neck and giving her an orgasm (?) and then transporting her to her own bed before the morning. She is unable to listen to reason when Elizabeth tries to tell her again that Jonathan is bad news.

Ned and Alice ground both twins for going to the party, and tell Jessica she has to stay away from Jonathan’s house. She FLIPS OUT and throws an actual tantrum, begging them to let Jonathan come over for dinner the following night so that they can see how wonderful he is. Ma and Pa Wakefield relent, and remind the girls they’re still grounded, but somehow Jessica gets Ned’s credit card and is allowed to go shopping for new clothes for the dinner. Y’all, I cannot.

Jonathan manages to charm both Ma and Pa Wakefield at the dinner and no one notices that he’s not eating. Elizabeth tries to grill him, but it doesn’t really work. Jessica and Jonathan make out in the den after dinner until Ned cock blocks them and sends Jonathan home right before he was about to tell her that he’s a vampire. This is what passes as suspense in the book.

A funeral is held for Katrina Sutton, although she lived in San Fransisco and was just visiting Sweet Valley. Everyone goes to the reception afterward except for Enid, who sits at Katrina’s grave and cries about how sad her own life is. Jonathan sneaks up behind her and attacks her, and then when she’s almost dead has a change of heart and rushes her to the hospital. Enid winds up in a coma, and Elizabeth stays at her bedside, absolutely sick over it. Enid wakes for a moment only to utter the word “Jonathan,” which Elizabeth takes as admission of his guilt. She rushes off to solve the mystery.

This involves convincing Maria to break into Jonathan’s house with her, and then discovering a hidden room that is full of vampire books. Elizabeth steals a bunch of them and brings them home and decides Jonathan must be a vampire. While Maria isn’t convinced, the two spend some time on the school computer doing research and discover a rash of murders in Northern California in the late 1930s and a mysterious guy named John Cayne. Elizabeth needs no further convincing.

Meanwhile, Jessica sneaks out to see Jonathan, and Liz tattles on her. Ned and Alice call the police, and the police find Jonathan and Jessica in a cave by the water, where they’ve found evidence of the killer. Jessica still hasn’t pieced any of the puzzle together and cries about being found by the police before being taken home and seriously grounded (for real this time?). It doesn’t really work though because Jessica still sneaks out to see Jonathan and then decides to run away to be with him. She shows up at his house and begs him to take him with her so they can be together forever.

At the same time, Maria shows up at the Wakefield house and tells Liz that she believes her now. She shows her a bunch of research she pulled off of the internet, and the two meet up with the rest of the gang and after like two minutes have them convinced that Jonathan is a vampire. The group decides to burn his house down and kill him, and Elizabeth is horrified. Then Enid’s mother calls with news that Enid has woken up and named Jonathan as her savior. Elizabeth calls Joey to help her stop the mob, and he breaks up with her, but luckily Todd is hanging around right behind her, and the two rush to the beach to try to stop them from killing Jonathan.

They intercept Jonathan and Jessica right before he’s going to change her into a vampire (?) and Jonathan realizes how much love surrounds Jessica and leaves her with his ring (but then the ring disappears from around her finger a bit later, so I guess he wanted it back after all). He flies away just as the mob shows up. So he escapes, I guess. Todd and Elizabeth make out. Jessica cries. Enid wakes up and feels a strange sense of loss. All is normal in Sweet Valley again.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Apparently there’s a place called Season’s Gourmet Shop where residents of Sweet Valley can get fancy food groceries. Did we know this?
• Jessica’s new outfit for the dinner with Jonathan consists of a lilac silk dress, a silver chain belt, “dressy” leather sandals, and mauve lipstick.
• She also buys a new outfit for Katrina’s funeral: gray and black striped dress with a black satin vest.
• The school has a psychologist named Ms. McLean

Memorable Quotes:

• “Some party! Enid raged to herself. Katrina Sutton dropped dead,and Jessica stole Jonathan away from me. The night was a total bust.” (9)
• “‘I understand what you mean,’ Lila said. ‘Right now it doesn’t matter that the girl has no fashion sense or style whatsoever. I feel sorry for her anyway.'” (83)
• “He gazed pensively at the fire. ‘I grew up in a tiny coastal village in Prussia.’ Jessica frowned. ‘You mean Russia?'” (123) [I AM DEAD]
• “She knew from past experience that computers were very useful when it came to confirming suspicions about a person.” (143)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Y’all, I don’t know. I feel like this recap was extra-long, but I also couldn’t figure out what to cut without the story making even less sense than it already does. There was a lot of plot in this one, which makes me wonder why they didn’t put some of it in the previous book where nothing at all happened. At the same time, this plot didn’t make a lick of sense. Like, none.

My favorite thing about this book was the weird references to computers and internet searching. It’s so dated, but you can tell that the ghostwriter was trying to explain the wonders of the world wide web to an audience who probably had more experience with computers than they did. How quaint.

When I was prepping this post, I read somewhere that the series was in danger of being cancelled around the time this book was published (I don’t have a source. I’m a bad librarian, I know). That tidbit of gossip helps illustrate why they might have thought suddenly introducing supernatural elements into the series was a good idea, though it still doesn’t make sense given the history of the series. I never thought I’d say this, but it makes me miss poor Luke, who just thought he was a werewolf.

I’m a rambling, incoherent mess, just like this book. All is well.

SVH #127: Dance of Death

“I could use your mother for a few other things as well,” Jonathan replied. “Like disciplining you.”

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Jessica and Jonathan are right where we left them: making out in his creepy, crumbling mansion. He’s drinking red wine (or blood, it’s unclear), and he makes some more vaguely threatening comments about how much danger Jessica is in when she’s near him. He gives her a half-hearted tour of the house, and she notices that there’s a painting of a young man bearing a very similar resemblance to Jonathan, only the painting looks very old. They banter a bit, make out a bunch, and then when Jonathan tells her they can’t do what they’re doing, Jessica has a little temper tantrum and runs out the door in tears.

Enid is hiding in the shadows, having watched them make out. She’s insanely jealous of Jessica and doesn’t understand why Jonathan doesn’t love her. Then she lets herself into Jonathan’s house, and he’s totally cool with it because they start making out and then he feeds on her while she has an orgasm? She’s surprised to find herself in her own bed the next morning with no memory of how she got there.

Jessica finds out that Enid has a “hickey” that was given to her by Jonathan, and she freaks the fuck out. She threatens Enid, who sort of sneers at her, and then yells at Jonathan about how she knows he has feelings for her and demands him to deny it. He can’t, and while she’s satisfied by this, she’s also royally pissed.

She calls him up a week later, and he tells her it’s a bad time because he’s sick. So she makes him soup and shows up at his house to find Enid there, looking glassy-eyed and smug. Jess literally throws the thermos of soup at Jonathan and runs away crying. Things go from bad to worse when she finds Jasmine the kitten dead and drained of blood in the back yard. The twins tell their parents Jasmine was hit by a car and bury her.

Bruce and Todd convince Jonathan to have a party at his house, despite the fact that Jonathan seems very unenthusiastic about it, and despite the fact that the town has enacted a citywide curfew requiring everyone to be home by 10 o’clock. Everyone goes and is dressed to the nines. Todd dances with Amy’s cousin Katrina, and Elizabeth cries about it. Enid cries about Jonathan ignoring her. Jessica sneaks upstairs to a black bedroom and waits for Jonathan, and then the power goes out. Jonathan finds her, and they kiss and he tells her he wants to be with her forever.

MEANWHILE, Elizabeth tries to explain to Todd why she was embracing Joey when he showed up, but he storms off. So Elizabeth convinces Joey to go with her to investigate the dead body at Secca Lake. The police officer lets her through to see the body when she explains that she’s Jessica Wakefield’s sister, but luckily the body isn’t her twin’s. What a relief! Which is a thing that Elizabeth actually says. I guess that the dead girl doesn’t count when it’s not your sister.

She continues to wring her hands about whether she wants Joey or Todd, but she can’t make up her mind. Todd is full out ignoring her, and some of Joey’s comments and behaviors are beginning to grate on her. Maria Slater encourages her to make a pro/con list, and she still isn’t sure. Then she decides to go out with Joey, and realizes she’s totally not into it. He gets pissed when she neglects to tell him about the upcoming party and bails, mid-date.

At the party at Jonathan’s house, she convinces Todd to help her try to find the fuse box to turn the power back on. He resists at first, but then follows her to the creepy basement, and after a bunch of testing of switches, they figure out how to get the power back on. They hear groans of disappointment upstairs, and then silence. Liz knows that something is wrong, and when she rushes upstairs, she finds that there’s a dead body in the middle of the floor. It’s Katrina.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Joey drives a Land Rover
• Pop culture references include Bride of Frankenstein, Florence Nightingale, a Greta Garbo movie, and Sabrina (Hepburn & Bogart, natch)
• Mr. Jaworski’s classes are studying the Civil Rights movement
• Enid wears a black cotton miniskirt, a cropped leather jacket,and a silver skull-and-crossbones pendant

Memorable Quotes:

• “I wish I’d never met either Wakefield, Enid thought angrily. They’re both totally self-centered.” (21)
• “Jonathan closed his warm lips around the side of her throat. Enid moaned as she felt a sharp sting. The sensation was exquisite: intense pain and a searing pleasure mixed into one.” (59)
• “‘Troubled, yes. Artist, no,’ Elizabeth responded. ‘I don’t know why i think I can be a writer. I can barely get out a coherent sentence.'” (107)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Perhaps the biggest issue with this book, and this mini-series as a whole, is that the mechanics of the vampire are…confusing. He seems to be drinking blood without ever actually puncturing his victims. At one point, one of the wounds is described as a “bluish mark” on the neck, and that doesn’t seem right? Like, if it’s just bruising, the blood couldn’t leave the body. So what exactly is happening?

At any rate, the character development is so poorly done and the writing is so unclear that it’s hard to know what exactly is going on. It’s clear that we’re supposed to believe that Jonathan has some sort of influence over everyone, but it’s hard to tell if it is something like mind control, general supernatural magic, or something else. It’s also unclear why it doesn’t seem to have an effect on Elizabeth (or Maria). Do they eat more garlic than other people? Does garlic even work on this kind of vampire?

I’m tired of the insta-love shit. The best moment of this entire book was when Jessica threw the thermos of soup at Jonathan, and that was like a five-second interaction. The rest of this was pretty interminable.

This is the most bloodless vampire tale ever.

SVH #126: Tall, Dark, and Deadly

Jessica raised her eyebrows. “It’s garbage. How do you expect it to smell?”
“There’s so much of it,” Lila whined.

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks, in the loosest sense.

Summary/Overview:

One night at the Dairi Burger, Jessica loses one of her new earrings and decides the best place to search for it is in the dumpsters out back.  She drags Lila along, but she doesn’t find the earring. Instead, she finds a live kitten, which she decides to adopt and name Jasmine, and then, more horrifyingly, she finds a dead body.  The body, belonging to a teenage boy from Big Mesa, appears to have been drained of all its blood. The police are called, everyone is shocked, and Jessica, ever the sociopath, plots on how to turn her discovery into fifteen minutes of fame.

Everyone at school is abuzz over the news of the body, and there’s a special assembly called to discuss it with students.  At the same time, Chrome Dome Cooper announces that there’s a new transfer student, a dark-haired, gorgeous senior named Jonathan Cain. Jessica, like most of the female student body, is immediately transfixed by him.  Elizabeth is not, having seen him act like a total jerk in the hallway earlier. But she’s in the minority, as Enid also decides that he’s her soulmate. It isn’t long before nearly all of the girls in school are dressing in black and wearing dramatic makeup in an attempt to catch Jonathan’s attention, but he remains an enigma.

Even though he never seems to interact with any of the other students, Jonathan becomes the topic of conversation at school. Apparently he’s super good at advanced chemistry, knows more about European cultures than the teacher, can sink baskets from across the gym, and drives a motorcycle. All of the girls–and then, hilariously, most of the dudes–at school begin to dress in all black and wear dramatic makeup in an attempt to get his attention. Enid loses her mind completely and has her hair chemically straightened and dyed black, and completely changes her makeup look.

Despite all this, Jonathan ignores everyone. Jessica is not deterred and continually tries to win his affection, attempting a bunch of different stunts like draining her car battery and passing him flirty notes in French class. He doesn’t take any of her bait, which just makes her want him even more. She buys a bright red minidress and hops onto his motorcycle at the mall, and he takes her for a ride before dropping her off and telling her to never do that again. Then he totally returns her missing diamond earring by dropping it off on her bedroom windowsill, but Jessica doesn’t see him do it.

When Jasmine, the new kitten, escapes one night, Jessica finds her up another tree, and Jonathan is nearby. He tells her to listen to her kitten, who is freaking out, and avoid predators. Jessica doesn’t get his heavy-handed meaning, because she’s an idiot. Instead she thinks about kissing him.

Both Enid and Jessica seem to be particularly obsessed with Jonathan, and when Enid tells Jessica that she followed him home one day, Jessica manages to get the address out of her. Jessica tricks Elizabeth into thinking that she’s home, steals the Jeep, and heads out to Forrest Lane, where Jonathan lives. The house is a crumbling mansion, creepy as fuck, and just before she loses her nerve, Jonathan answers the door, and then they kiss. Then he threatens her life. Romantic.

The B-Plot, as it is, involves Liz still struggling with her waning feelings for Todd while pining for Joey, the boy she dated while she was a camp counselor. While she’s not sure she’s ready to throw in the towel with Todd, she is worried to learn that Joey is transferring to UCLA, and he won’t stop writing her letters and doing weird things like putting a canoe paddle in her locker (what the actual fuck, Joey?).

Because Maria Slater was at Camp Echo Mountain with Elizabeth and saw the entire thing with Joey unfold, Elizabeth confides in her. This bothers Enid, who seems to be undergoing another psychotic break. She lashes out at Elizabeth and is super bitchy to Maria, and then cries about how no one understands her. She loves Jonathan, and she needs to be near him.

Elizabeth and Maria Slater seem to be the only two people who have not fallen under his spell, though it’s unclear why they are immune to whatever magic is happening. When Jonathan appears at The Oracle office after school one day and warns Elizabeth that if she loves her sister, she’ll keep Jessica away from him, her feelings about the danger everyone is in are solidified. When another body is discovered near Secca Lake, Elizabeth becomes convinced that it’s Jessica and calls Todd in a panic. As he tries to get to her house, Elizabeth opens the door to find Joey on the steps. They embrace, and of course Todd sees them. DUN DUN DUN!

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Jessica and Elizabeth’s grandma sent them each a pair of diamond stud earrings, and Jessica regales her friend group with the anecdote that her grandmother was the first girl in her town to get her ears pierced at age 12.
• Jessica considers the color purple to be a “power color”
• Lila wears a designer called Pierre Jove
• Mr. Fellows is teaching his students about Spanish settlers in the Americas.
• When Maria was a child actress, she starred in a movie called The Visitor, and commercials for Crystal Drops, Feathersoft, and was something called The Macaroni Princess.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Experience had taught [Elizabeth] to listen to her gut feelings; more often than not, they were right.” (38) [Ed. note: This is 100% inaccurate but ok]
• “‘French is one of the few classes offered at SVH that’s worth attending,’ Lila declared. ‘Bo says that French novels are the most lushly romantic in the world, but unless you read them in the original language, you miss most of the subtle richness of the text.'” (62)
• “Her face was different, too. Her eyebrows had been plucked into thin, glamorous arcs.” (107)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

So after a super, super long hiatus, I’m back at it. The truth is that I’ve been thinking about trying to finish the series for a long time, and then I looked at how many I have left and was all, “That’s IT?!” as if it’s completely accomplishable. But these books are so, so bad.

I jumped back in with almost no refresher on what’s happening in the series. The book spends the first few minutes having Jessica’s friends razz her about her breakup with Ken, telling her that when she cheated on him it made him into an asshole. Jessica almost cries because it was such a painful breakup, but I’m left confused because she’s dated like at least half a dozen dudes since they broke up, including Poor Dead Christian.

It’s obvious that the series has completely dispensed with trying to make sense in terms of a timeline, which is maddening but weirdly understandable? The book refers to their time at Camp Echo Mountain as being during the previous summer, but they’re a.) still sixteen, b.) still juniors in high school, and c.) on their fourth or fifth summer vacation? I DO NOT GET IT AND I DO NOT KNOW WHY IT BOTHERS ME SO MUCH.

Apart from that, the most bizarre parts of this story revolve around Jonathan’s magical charisma that seems to make everyone want to be like him or near him, despite the fact that he doesn’t ever interact with anyone. Jessica has to literally jump onto his bike while he’s on it to get him to interact with her, and we never see him talk to anyone else, apart from when he vaguely threatens Elizabeth.

Yet everyone wants to be like him. I suppose we’re supposed to believe that there’s a supernatural element at play, but the writing is so bad and the plot and character development so flimsy that it completely relies on a suspension of disbelief that’s staggering. Nothing about this greasy, brooding, goth douche canoe indicates that he’s charismatic or even interesting, and yet everyone is losing their goddamn minds over him.

The other weird thing is that readers are suddenly treated to Jonathan’s thoughts three-quarters of the way through the book. This shift in character perspective is lazy writing, but it’s also jarring and doesn’t make sense. It’s clear that he’s conflicted about hurting people, and there’s a lot of angst about ignoring his “needs,” but if this is true, then why would he choose to start attending class at a local high school? What fucking sense does that make?

I guess we’ll find out in the next installment. I know I can’t wait.