SVH #45: Family Secrets (Revisited)

“You know,” Jessica muttered, “it’s pretty mind-boggling to think I’m helping to fix Nicholas Morrow up with someone else. Even if she is my cousin.”

The original cover

Details: Originally published in April 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages.

Summary/Overview: Kelly Bates, cousin to Elizabeth and Jessica (her mom is Alice’s sister), is coming to stay with the Wakefields. She’s having trouble adjusting to her new family situation, because her mom is getting remarried to a man who has children of his own. Apparently Kelly is staying for a while, because they enroll her in classes at Sweet Valley High. The twins are thrilled and decide to play up the fact that Kelly looks a lot like them by dressing alike and messing with everyone. Before Kelly arrives, Alice warns the twins to not say anything disparaging about Kelly’s dad, even though they’ve always been told he’s kind of a deadbeat.

Kelly arrives and hits it off with the kids at school and catches the attention of Kirk Anderson, who she becomes immediately smitten with, despite the gentle warnings from the twins and basically everyone else that he’s not a very nice boy. The twins were hoping to set her up with Nicholas Morrow, but Kelly only has eyes for Kirk. He asks her to be his date for the upcoming costume contest and dance at the country club and she says yes, even though she’s also agreed to go with Nicholas. She doesn’t bother cancelling her plans with Nicholas, either.

All Kelly can talk about in the days leading up to her birthday is the arrival of her father, whom she completely adores. She brags about him letting her do whatever she wants when she’s with him, and she plans to ask him to move closer to Sweet Valley so she can stay and live with him instead of her mom. On the night of her birthday, her dad shows up super late, doesn’t bring a present, and stays for about five minutes before claiming he has to rush back to L.A. for a client dinner. Kelly is crushed but still can’t admit that he might be a complete piece of shit.

The twins and Kelly decide on a group costume for the party: they’ll go as the “no-evil” monkeys (as in see-no, speak-no, hear-no), and spend a bunch of time working on their costumes. At the dance, their costumes are a hit, and it isn’t long before Kirk has convinced her to blow the popsicle stand and go hang out at Miller’s Point. Once there, he cracks a beer open and tries to have sex with her, not taking no for an answer until she literally fights him off and kicks him in the shins. Enraged, he throws his bottle at some rocks, and the sound of glass breaking triggers a long-repressed childhood memory of why her mom left her dad. She runs home crying, and Kelly’s mom gets on a plane to come get her. She’s going back to Tucson.

The B-Plot: None to speak of.

“Yeah, that’s why you wanted to wear a leotard,” Elizabeth teased. She tossed the ball back into the water. “You just want to show off that gorgeous body of yours.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Kelly’s 17th (??) birthday
– Costume contest/dance at the country club

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– Costumes at the party include Pirate (Kirk), “traditional” Mexican girl (Sandy), Donald Duck (Ken), Princess Diana (Lila), dirty wino (Jeffrey), Rita Hayworth (Susan Stewart), Hippie (Enid), a bunch of grapes (Winston)
– Store name alert: Sport Zone and Book Worm are mentioned
– Steven has been up in Puget Sound doing a “term project”

Pop Culture:
– Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
– 3 little pigs/3 Musketeers/3 blind mice
– Tess of the D’Ubervilles
– Ernie/Sesame Street
– Gourmet magazine

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis): Woof, I don’t know. I know that these books are not known for their nuance (and that I’m beating a dead horse at this point), but nothing about the plot here makes much sense. If Kelly is having trouble adjusting to changes in her home life, why would the answer be shipping her across the country to live with people she hasn’t seen in nearly a decade? How would that help her get used to her new stepfather and step-siblings? Also, we’re just pulling teens out of their school in the middle of the year and plopping them into a new school for just a couple of months without a moment’s hesitation? ALSO ALSO: wouldn’t Kelly’s mom have to come and actually enroll her, or are Alice and Ned being granted legal guardianship over her? I know I’m overthinking this, but it’s very weird to me, and it’s more fun to think about these giant plot holes than it is to think about the situation with her dad, which is a huge bummer.

There’s no nuance in these books when it comes to plot or characters, but even so, Kelly’s dad makes my skin crawl. The truth is that though he’s underdeveloped and probably a bit of a caricature, the way he behaves when he finally deigns to show up for her birthday (a scene that still makes absolutely no sense to me in terms of logistics) isn’t that far off the mark from how I’ve seen m*n act in real life. So, there’s that.

The only other thing worth touching on here: Nicholas Morrow asks Kelly to go to the dance with him, and she accepts before also accepting Kirk’s offer. The twins ask Kelly to make sure to tell Nicholas her plans change, and she never does this, and it’s never brought up again. Then it appears Nicholas doesn’t show up at the dance at all? Did this plot point just get dropped?

SVH #40: On the Edge (Revisited)

And as for Regina Morrow, the girl had better get ready to face some bad news. Amy had Bruce where she wanted him, and she wasn’t about to let him get away!

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in September 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages.

Summary/Overview: Bruce Patman and Amy Sutton start hooking up behind Regina Morrow’s back. When they have the audacity to make out behind a tree at a barbecue the Wakefield girls throw, Elizabeth tries to distract Regina to keep her from seeing what’s happening, but she does and freaks out at Bruce and Amy and also Elizabeth. Though Elizabeth and Bruce both try to talk to Regina over the next few days, she completely shuts them out and starts hanging out with Justin Belson a kid who hangs with a rougher crowd.

Though several people (Nicholas, Elizabeth) try to warn Regina that Justin’s friends are bad news, she thinks he’s misunderstood. She agrees to go to a party with him at his ex-girlfriend Molly Hecht’s house, even though there’s rumors that a serious drug dealer will be there. At the party, a drug dealer named Buzz shows up with coke and everyone crowds around him. Regina gets teased for being a goody-two-shoes and decides to try the coke. She does two lines and immediately has a reaction and collapses.

At that same moment, Nicholas barges in with the police after Liz tips him off that Regina’s at the party. He would have gotten there sooner but was pulled over by the police for speeding and not having his license on him. They call an ambulance and rush her to the hospital, but Regina DIES. A week later, the school holds a memorial service for Regina and everyone swears they’ll never do drugs.

The B-Plot: There truly isn’t one. There’s a small sub-plot about Bruce and Amy working on a project about drugs in Sweet Valley, and they get some information from Amy’s cousin about kids in the community that are users, but it’s the clunkiest exposition (which is saying something) and clearly means to move the plot forward.

“You’ve never been to Kelly’s?” Justin repeated incredulously. “You’re kidding! Boy, you really have lead a sheltered life.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Party at the Wakefield’s house
– Party at Molly Hecht’s
– Regina’s memorial service

Trivia:
– The Morrows have a new housekeeper named Nola
– Amy’s got a cousin named Mimi who is 19 and somehow a junior in college
– Nicholas reads a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay: Dirge without Music

Pop Culture:
– Academy Awards
– Glamour

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

I mean, no. This is probably one of the most iconic Sweet Valley High novels because it features the death of a (beloved) character from a drug overdose, but it’s so funny to revisit this one as an adult and realize that this book came about because of the moral panic over drugs in the eighties. I kept thinking about the novel Go Ask Alice while reading this one, where the character devolves into madness and drugs very quickly, and wondering which one was more offensive (probably Alice, but this one is a contender).

I know Regina was spiraling because of her breakup with Bruce, but I do not believe that she would just be like, “No thanks on the teen drinking or marijuana, but I’d love to do a couple lines of cocaine with a bunch of strangers!” It just doesn’t feel authentic to me? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have one of the characters who are already dabbling in drug use to die from an overdose? It would, but then we’d have a flawed character who would require reader sympathy, and these books lack the nuance for that.

Nothing about this one makes a lick of sense: either Regina died of an overdose or she died because of a rare heart condition, but the book can’t make up its mind and we end up with a confusing narrative where maybe it’s both? Just pick a lane, book!

SVH #26: Hostage! (Revisited)

“You’re heartless.” Elizabeth sighed. “Completely heartless. Regina may be trapped inside her own home by some mania, and all you can think about is keeping your tan up!”

The original cover, circa 1986

Details: Originally published in January 1986 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 135 pages. My copy has a bunch of promos for the Caitlyn trilogy and a series called Winners.

Summary/Overview: When a random classmate (Eddie Strong) mentions having seen Regina Morrow when doing a delivery at the Morrow mansion, Elizabeth is confused, since Regina is supposed to be off in Switzerland having her hearing miraculously restored. She does a little investigating with Bruce, and the two discover that a strange, rude woman who claims to be Regina’s aunt is staying at the Morrow’s estate. A glimpse of Regina in the background tells Liz that something is really wrong, but when she contacts the police, they are utterly useless and basically tell her to stop wasting community resources. Typical!

With the help of Jessica, Liz and Bruce figure out a way to get a note to Regina by having Bruce pose as the delivery boy for the next round of groceries. They slip a note into a magazine for her, and she drops a letter out her window (concealed in a compact) telling them that she’s absolutely being held captive, and so are her parents, and that her captors said something about “Money is heaven.” Bruce contacts Nicholas, who is staying with a friend in San Francisco, and he rushes back to help them plan their next steps.

Through some “detective work,” the foursome discover that a former employee named Philip Denson is the captor, and that he has interest in a computer chip that Kurt Morrow developed. Jessica uses her unique talents to flirt with Philip’s son to get more information. It takes a wildly long time, but the group figures out that “Money is heaven” was really the kidnappers saying “Monday at seven,” and deduce that that’s when the entire plan is going down. They plan a rescue for the Morrows (who are being held in Philip’s house) and Regina (who will be used to obtain the computer chip from the factory). Though both groups are held at gunpoint, everyone survives, and the police arrive in the nick of time and arrest Philip.

The Morrows throw a party to celebrate their release. Regina’s doctor says that her final treatments can be done from California, which completely negates everything we were told about the procedure in the past. She’s reunited with her parents and Bruce.

The German edition – Translate says “A Thriller in Sweet Valley”

The B-Plot: There really isn’t one, though there are some awkward paragraphs trying to set up the next book. Ken Matthews is having trouble with English and needs to pass in order to continue playing football. Suzanne Hanlon, who is maybe kind of a snob, starts dating him.

Regina stared dully at the floor. Just shoot me now, she wanted to tell him. Just end this agony right here and now!

same, girl. same.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks
– Party at the Morrow Mansion

Trivia:
– Jessica does an aerobics workout using a record on her stereo
– Suzanne Hanlon’s nickname is “Hands Off Hanlon”

Pop Culture:
– Nancy Drew/Ned Nickerson
– Sherlock Holmes
– Agatha Christie

The UK Reissue to coincide with the TV show

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
Jesus le Christ. I’m not sure who was the ghostwriter for this one, but it makes the quality of the writing from the previous book look like it could win the Booker. This one is so badly written, so terribly plotted, and so wildly convoluted that I kind of can’t believe it? It’s also incredibly boring for a book that is literally about teen detectives solving a kidnapping case.

Nothing about the plan to steal the computer chip makes a lick of sense. The idea that the factory foreman would hand over the only existing prototype to Regina because she said her dad asked him to is…a reach, to say the least. But I couldn’t help but be struck by the fact that Philip Denson just had the Morrows hanging out in his house for days? Like, he couldn’t find an abandoned warehouse like a normal criminal mastermind? He figured letting them stay in his suburban house, fully untied and free to move around, was a safe bet? I just…what?

The most realistic thing that happens in the book is that the police once again prove themselves to be useless. We love to see it!

SVH #23: Say Goodbye (Revisited)

Elizabeth Wakefield, she thought, her eyes sparkling with determination, I’m not going to let you shrivel up or pine away. Nicholas and I are going to save you from everlasting sorrow!

The original US cover

Details: Originally published September 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Todd’s father’s job has transferred him to the office in Burlington, Vermont, and it means that Todd and his entire family (unclear if this includes a sister/brother or not) is moving ASAP. Liz is horrified, and she and Todd decide that they will remain committed to one another and continue being exclusive while also being long distance. This is pre-internet, kiddos, so that means long-distance phone calls and writing letters and sending them in the MAIL.

Everyone expresses concern about this plausibility of this plan, but the two are resolute that it can work. Todd moves away, and immediately things begin to fall apart for them, helped in large part by Jessica, who has decided Elizabeth should stop going steady with Todd (boring) and should instead start going steady with Nicholas Morrow (rich). She does everything in her power to set the two up, including getting Nicholas to escort her to the sail boat regatta he’s competing in (a totally normal event).

Liz feels torn, because she likes Nicholas but wants to remain true to Todd. When Todd stops taking her calls (because Jessica cried to him that Liz is losing out on life or whatever), she starts dating him, and even though she feels like Nicholas is like a brother to her, she makes out with him and likes it. She goes with Nicholas to a party that Lila throws and is surprised to find that Todd has made a surprise return visit. He runs away when he sees them together, and Liz cries to Nicholas about how she still loves Todd. She finds Todd and the two realize that they have to open up their relationship but remain in love.

The B-Plot: When Jessica spends too much money on the Wakefield charge account at Lisette’s, Ned insists that she get a job. She gets a job as a receptionist at a place called Perfect Match Computer Dating Service, where she immediately tries to set Steven up with eligible women. The problem is all the women are, like, in their forties and also that Steven has not consented to being set up, so he keeps getting calls from random older women and doesn’t know why. When he finds out, he yells at Jessica a bunch.

In the midst of all this, he helps Cara fix a flat tire and finds that she seems to have grown up a bit. This is due to the fact that her parents are going through a nasty divorce, and Steven is…into it. He asks her to be his date to Lila’s party, but when Betsy Martin shows up and freaks out, he freaks out and fully abandons Cara. Cool!

The German cover. Translate tells me it means “Taking Leave”

He reminded Jessica of a librarian…Jeffrey struck her as a poor relation. He wanted to be an archeologist, which had seemed interesting at first. But the more he talked about it, the dustier it began to sound.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks
– Party at the Beach Disco
– Sail boat regatta at Sweet Valley Boat Club
– Party at the Morrow’s mansion
– Party at Lila’s

Trivia:
– The Wakefields have an account at Lisette’s, because Jessica manages to charge $87.95 there
– Mention of Bruce Patman’s iconic 1BRUCE1 license plate
– Jessica’s paychecks from the dating agency are pink

Pop Culture:
– Glamour Magazine
– James Bond
– National Enquirer

The Swedish cover. Translate tells me “Take Time to Say Goodbye” so same vibes!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, Jessica’s completely inappropriate attempts to set Steven up with women who are two decades older than him, without his consent, absolutely do not hold up! I also couldn’t get over how stupid Jessica seemed in this one? Like, it wasn’t even a good scheme, and she has had some great ones. This one didn’t make any sense, and I did not buy that she’d set up her “gorgeous” (her words!) brother with randos whose pictures she didn’t even have access to. This part has not aged well.

But the rest of it holds up as well as can be expected, honestly! I do still think that Todd and Elizabeth’s absolute denial about the fact that things will change for their relationship when they’re on opposite sides of the country from one another is realistic? Yes! I think when you’re sixteen and in love and are faced with something like this (a trauma in some ways), you dig in your heels and resist the change. Do I think that Elizabeth starting to date Nicholas Morrow as a way to forget Todd still feels a little weird? Also yes, though it’s certainly a human reaction. I wish that Nicholas was a more interesting character (but that’s true of 99% of the folks in these books), because then he’d be a more worthy adversary to Todd.

Am I still confused by what Todd and Elizabeth actually plan to do going forward? YES!

SVH #18: Head Over Heels (Revisited)

“Just look at her,” Lila seethed, pushing her food away in disgust. “She looks ridiculous in that purple dress. You’d think she was color blind, not deaf, the way she dresses.”

The original cover, circa 1985

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in April 1985. Paperback, 151 pages. The back of my copy has an excerpt from Pascal’s Caitlin trilogy.

Summary: Everyone is shocked when Bruce Patman undergoes a complete personality change and falls in love with Regina Morrow. This irritates Jessica, who is absolutely still bitter about her own experience dating him. She bets Lila that the two of them will break up before the charity carnival that the high school is organizing, and instead of betting money, the girls use their upcoming term papers as their wager.

When Regina’s parents tell her that she’s a candidate for a mysterious medical procedure that will “cure” her deafness, she’s thrilled. When they tell her it will require her to move to Switzerland for a year, she’s horrified. She does not want to leave Bruce. Her parents are crushed, and even enlist the help of a guy named Donald who was “cured” by the same procedure to try to convince her it’s the right move. She is staunch in her belief that Bruce is more important.

At least, she is until Jessica intervenes and tells her that she heard Bruce is only going out with Regina to curry favor in his campaign for student president of the centennial committee. Jessica has made this up, of course: she’s hoping it will be the catalyst that breaks the duo up. Of course, Jessica has made the correct gamble: Regina freaks out when Bruce is evasive about the election and breaks up with him, and then decides to go forward with the treatment.

Regina leaves Sweet Valley, but not before Elizabeth slips a letter from Bruce into her bags so that she knows he truly loves her.

The Finnish Cover. Google Translate says: “Crazy About Love”

The B-Plot: A bunch of SVH students are helping plan a carnival to raise money for “handicapped” children at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. The entire thing comes together at the last minute and includes an inspirational speech by Skye Morrow, mother to Regina and Nicholas, about how her daughter “overcame” her “handicap.” When I say I cringed, I CRINGED.

“This was the stupidest fight we’ve ever had.” Elizabeth laughed. “I can’t believe it didn’t occur to either one of us that Donald thought I was Jessica.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Sweet Valley High Charity Carnival

Trivia:
– Another hint of the upcoming Sweet Valley Centennial celebration
– The book refers to sign language being “the international language of the deaf” which is NOT A THING
– Winston takes a poll about what pies folks want shoved in his face: whipped cream or lemon

Pop Culture References:
– Robert Redford
– Jack the Ripper

OBSESSED with this French cover, which translates to “You Lose Your Head”

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

Good grief, no! I know that this book nearly four decades old, but the use of “handicapped” on nearly every page to describe not only Regina but those poor randos over at the hospital is very yikes!

But also? The way that Regina’s deafness has been portrayed throughout the entire series is so weird. She attended special schools to learn to lip read but never learned ASL? She appears to have no friends who are in the Deaf community and as a result has been really isolated? The book constantly uses the word “normal” to refer to hearing people, which is also really gross! I don’t even know where to begin about the whole “cure for deafness” thing, but it’s so weird to me that the book is basically like, “Yeah the ‘treatments’ will take a year and then you’ll be able to hear again!” when a) Regina was never able to hear before so there is no “again” here and b) that’s not how this works? Even folks who get cochlear implants have to “learn” to hear – they are not intrinsically able to understand spoken language!

This whole thing sucks! I hate it!

SVH #14: Deceptions (Revisited)

“Most of it from my brother, I’ll bet,” Regina said, giving him a quick glance and a brilliant smile. “Sometimes I wonder if I’m all he thinks about.”

Original cover art

Details: Originally published December 1984 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 138 pages.

Summary: We pick up exactly where the last book left off: Elizabeth opens the door to find Nicholas Morrow arriving at the party the twins are throwing to celebrate Elizabeth no longer being kidnapped. Nicholas is struck by Elizabeth’s beauty and spends the entire party following her around and begging her to dance. Despite the fact that his attention makes her uncomfortable, she does not tell him no or set any boundaries. When he tells her that he thinks he’s in love with her, she tries to lightly laugh it off, but he insists that she should go out with him. When she tries to tell him that she has a boyfriend, he tells her she’s too young to settle down, and she agrees to go to dinner with him.

Perplexingly, she does not tell Todd about the entire situation, though it fills her with anxiety and dread. She also keeps it from Jessica after Jessica announces that she’s in love with Nicholas. Elizabeth meets Nicholas at an extremely fancy restaurant in a nearby town, and she’s delighted to find that they have a ton in common – but that they have no spark. She tells Nicholas this, and he finally accepts the fact that she is uninterested in a relationship with him. Before they can leave, however, Elizabeth sees Todd coming towards their table. His family was celebrating his mom’s birthday at the same restaurant. In a panic, Elizabeth pretends to be Jessica.

This ruse falls apart when Todd immediately drives to the Wakefield house to apologize to Liz for thinking she was two-timing him. Jessica answers, and he plants a kiss on her before realizing he’s got the wrong twin. He’s upset and runs away. Jessica confronts Liz about her deception (ah, the book’s title!) and Liz apologizes, mollifying Jessica, who has decided that Nicholas is “boring” (read: uninterested in her) and she’s moved on.

There’s a big basketball game against Big Mesa, and Todd plays terribly through the first half because he’s so upset about Liz. When Nicholas visits him in the locker room at halftime, he tells Todd that Liz has always been true to him, and Todd believes him (because men always believe other men, I guess). He turns around his game performance and leads Sweet Valley to a victory before reuniting with Liz in the parking lot afterwards. All is well.

The B-Plot: Jessica enlists the help of nerdy computer enthusiast Randy Mason to help her with her math grade and to teach her about computers. This is all part of her plan to snag Nicholas, whose father works in computers (unclear in what capacity). Jessica convinces Randy to hack into the school’s computer system and change her math grade, but he calls the house later and confesses to Elizabeth (who he thinks is Jessica) about the guilt he feels, and then he turns himself into Principal Cooper. Elizabeth makes Jessica confess to Cooper, who threatens to suspend them until Elizabeth cries and begs for mercy.

I have very simple tastes, Elizabeth.

Finnish cover – Google tells me this means “Just One Night”

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1 week
– Party at the Wakefield’s (a continuation from the last book)
– The Big Game – Championship Basketball game against Big Mesa

Trivia:
– The Droids perform a song about Elizabeth to welcome her back from her kidnapping
– Jessica and the #37: “There must be about a hundred and thirty-seven people waiting to meet you.” and “one hundred and thirty-seven kinds of nerd”
– Cote d’Or, the fancy restaurant Nicholas takes Elizabeth to, is in Malvina, a nearby town

Pop Culture References:
– Prince Charming
– Frankenstein, Dracula, the Hunchback of Notre Dame
– Matt Dillon

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

Oh, lord. It does not hold up, and I’ll tell you why: in addition to being painfully, wildly boring, nothing in this book makes sense! Literally everything that happens could be solved if characters a) talked to one another and b) listened to one another. The fact that Liz doesn’t explain to Todd what’s going on ahead of her “date” with Nicholas is literally wild. It would solve all her problems, and it does not make sense that someone who is in a solid, steady relationship could not tell her boyfriend about a platonic dinner, especially because it’s so clear that Elizabeth is not interested in Nicholas at all.

Okay, also? The thing with Nicholas is so weird to me. The second he sees Elizabeth, he declares it love at first sight. But like, Elizabeth and Jessica are identical, right? Nicholas knows almost nothing about Elizabeth’s personality – his infatuation with her is based purely on looks. So why wouldn’t he be into Jessica as well? A much more interesting (relatively – the bar here is so low it’s buried in the floor) thing for this book to do would be to have him torn between the twins until he could get to know them. But that’s not what we get. Instead, we get him declaring his love for Elizabeth about an hour after meeting her.

It’s also worth mentioning that Nicholas’s behavior at the party is not okay. Although she doesn’t say it, his behavior makes Elizabeth uncomfortable (he must realize this, because at one point he sort of apologizes for coming in so hot), and yet he continues to pursue her, even after she tells him she’s not interested and that she has a boyfriend. He continues to beg her to go out with him. It’s such a bad look, and it reinforces that damaging narrative that we get so often in rom-coms where guys shouldn’t take no for an answer because girls really do want them, and that nice guys don’t give up. I’m here to tell you – give up!

SVH #13: Kidnapped! (Revisited)

If only I weren’t so trusting! she thought, still terrified of what Carl might do.

The original cover (apologies for the terrible resolution here)

Details: Originally published April 1984 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages.

Summary: Jessica is consumed with getting ready for a party at the Morrow mansion. She has convinced herself that Nicholas Morrow is the man for her, though she’s never met him, nor has she even seen a picture of him. She’s supposed to wait for Elizabeth to get back from volunteering at the hospital (and tutoring Max Dellon) before driving to the party together, but she decides she can’t wait and hitches a ride with Cara.

She and Cara appear to be the first ones to the party and talk to Regina Morrow, who is gorgeous but “handicapped” in the form of being deaf. Despite this “tragedy,” Jessica is taken with her grace and poise and vows to make her a PBA. She flirts with Nicholas and brushes Todd off when he expresses concern about the fact that Liz still hasn’t arrived at the party, telling him that Liz took a job babysitting for Mr. Collins at the last minute. When Todd calls Mr. Collins and discovers that Jessica was lying, he pushes her into the pool in a moment that truly, honestly, and unequivocally holds up!

This gets Jessica’s attention, and when she realizes how late it is, she also starts to worry. The two of them rush home to find Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield starting to worry about the fact that Liz has not come home from the hospital. They start making phone calls, but it takes them forever to think about calling the police.

Meanwhile, Max Dellon waits for Liz to show up to tutor him on a Saturday night. When she still hasn’t showed around 9pm, he sneaks out of his house and heads to the hospital to look for her, discovering that the Fiat is still in the parking lot, and the driver’s side door is ajar. While he’s digging around for clues, the police show up and arrest him, thinking that he has something to do with Elizabeth’s disappearance. He’s eventually released, though Todd still manages to punch him at school because Todd! Loves! Hitting! People!

Of course, he doesn’t have anything to do with where Liz has gone. All the credit in that regard goes to Carl, the creepy orderly who appears to have fallen in love with Elizabeth. He has drugged and kidnapped her, and has taken her to his house, where he’s tied her up. He has plans to take her away to a remote mountain cabin.

This doesn’t happen, because he sees Jessica at the hospital and thinks it’s Elizabeth. When he runs at her, Max tackles him. Jessica pretends to be Elizabeth (and pretends to have escaped) to get Carl talking. The police arrest him, he confesses everything, and Elizabeth is saved. Three days later, the Wakefields throw a party to celebrate Liz’s safe return, and not a single person mentions the fact that Liz should probably see a therapist and get treatment for PTSD.

The B-Plot: There really isn’t one, though the groundwork is (awkwardly) laid for Mrs. Wakefield to start to worry that Elizabeth and Todd are “getting too close” to one another.

This is iconic

Then she lowered her right arm against the seat of her chair, and with the fingernail of her thumb she gashed out a notch. “Day one,” she said grimly, wondering if there would ever been an end to this horror.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated elapsed time: 1 week (this one picks up on the same day as the previous book)
– Party at Nicholas and Regina Morrow’s house
– Party at the Wakefield house

Trivia:
– Elizabeth is supposed to be helping tutor Max Dellon on Othello for English
– Nicholas describes his deaf sister Regina as having to learn to live in what the deaf call “the speaking world,” which is absolutely not what deaf folks refer to hearing people as and I can’t stop thinking about it!!!!
– Steven has a bathroom attached to his bedroom

Pop Culture References:
– Xanadu
– Sherlock Holmes

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

You know what’s funny? Despite the fact that much of this book’s plot strains even the most generous suspension of disbelief, it inadvertently gets one thing almost scarily right: the police are utterly inept and useless here, just like they are in real life! (I am not looking for debate when I am here spouting actual facts). They arrest the wrong person and then tell the Wakefields that it’s way more likely that Elizabeth is a runaway, despite the fact that her car is abandoned in the parking lot of the last place she was seen and the fact that there’s no evidence or past behavior on the part of Elizabeth that would indicate she was a candidate for running away. Great work, team!

Kudos to the ghost writer of this one creating a kidnapper who is both taken with Elizabeth’s beauty and yet somehow completely uninterested in her sexually. Way to skirt the line of what’s appropriate for young readers!

The only other thing that is really stuck in my craw about this book has nothing to do with the kidnapping and everything to do with the portrayal of Regina Morrow and her deafness. What I mean by this is that the book engages in some Big Yikes in relation to being deaf. Regina’s deafness is referred to as a “handicap,” she’s referred to as a “trouper,” and there’s this weird feeling that hearing characters are in awe of her ability to overcome such hardship while also feeling pity for her. At no point is it clear if Regina and/or her family has learned how to sign (I assume she has – Nicholas mentions that she attended a “special school” until high school), or that Regina has deaf friends. She has learned how to read lips (perfectly, it appears – and there’s no mention of the fact that this takes years to master and wouldn’t be accurate or reliable with people she’s encountering for the first time). Cochlear implants were still pretty cutting edge in 1984, so even though this family seems to have more money than God, I can believe that she wouldn’t have had access to that technology, but still – the entire thing is so weird.

SVH: Elizabeth’s Secret Diary, Vol. I

Estimated Elapsed Time: N/A, as this is a recap of books 23-31

Summary/Overview:

Liz and Todd are making out in his room instead of studying.  There’s a lot of weird almost-sex talk about how they never let themselves be alone in each other’s rooms, and then Todd takes a phone call from Ken Matthews and Liz snoops around Todd’s desk, finding a letter from a girl he knew in Vermont.  She calls him cute-buns and sends him lots of love and kisses, and Liz FREAKS OUT.  That night, she ends up in the arms of Jeffrey French, and they make out.  Confused, Liz goes home crying and opens one of her old journals.  Cue flashbacks!

We’re dumped into #28, when Liz finds out that Todd is moving with his family to Vermont.  After he leaves and they agree to do a long-distance thing, Liz starts hanging out and making out with Nicholas Morrow.  If this is supposed to be scandalous, it’s not.  When Todd comes to visit, the two make up and he climbs a ladder into her bedroom.

After that, we’re treated to a retread of #29, where Steven mopes about his dead fucking girlfriend and his new feelings for Cara.  Liz also chases a Todd lookalike around Sweet Valley (DOPPELGANGER ALERT).  I can’t be bothered to care about any of this.  After that excitement, Liz boasts about helping poor Emily Mayer cope with a blended family and then negotiate a hostage situation (when it’s written out like this, is it more or less ridiculous? I can’t tell anymore).  Also, Liz’s writing is SO GOOD that people steal it, like Ken Matthews did that one time but he totally learned his lesson and they’re cool now.

For whatever fucking reason, we are treated to a very long recap of Lynne Henry’s makeover transformation, and then Liz and Ken start hanging out a lot because now she’s “single” and she and Todd chat on the phone about people he’s dating in Vermont.  Oh, and she reconnects with Amy Sutton but thinks she’s a snob.  WHEN WILL THIS END.  By the time the book gets around to recapping #31, where she and Jessica fight over which of their friends gets to date Jeffrey (like this is a reward?), Liz and Ken aren’t really seeing each other any more, and then Liz decides that she loves Jeffrey.

In the present, Liz stays up all night reading her journal and realizes that her life has been exciting and amazing.  Todd drives over to the Wakefield house and they make up.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Liz has an awful lot of poetry written in her diaries, and they’re all terrible.  Check it: “Rainy Sunday/Foggy Monday/Closely creeping fears,/Can’t take much more of this./Drive east, drive fast/until at last/desert rainbows dry my tears/like a kiss.”

Memorable Quotes:

• “She’s my sister and I adore her, but sometimes she can be so…shallow. Forgive me, Diary, but it’s true.” (27)
• “‘Congratulations,’ I whispered. ‘You’ve just become the first man to successfully scale Mount Wakefield!'” (53) [This is sexual, right?]
• “I glanced at Amy out of the corner of my eye. Could she really be as heartless as she sounded?” (236)
• “I’m only sixteen, and already my life has been so full!” (322) [Wait, this is the takeaway?]

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

It’s weird that this book is written in first-person.  I had completely forgotten about that, though I guess it makes sense, since the reader is supposed to be in Liz’s diary.  But it’s jarring to read this first-person perspective of Liz that doesn’t sound at all how she should sound, in my opinion.

Also, this book is so fucking boring.  It’s like watching a clips-heavy episode of a comedy from the 90s.  There’s no real reason to show all these things readers have already experienced, and by adding in details that I refuse to accept as cannon at this point, the book is doing itself no favors.  There’s no reason–except to sell more books and make more money–to recap the books in a huge volume like this.  It makes no sense.

Which brings me to the thing that I find most disturbing about this book.  At the beginning, Liz is upset because Todd saw some other girl while he was in Vermont, which WE ALREADY KNEW, and then wonders if he’s loved other people besides her.  So she turns to her diary, which documents every covert hookup with basically every dude in Sweet Valley (no shame here, just pointing out the facts), some of which she had genuine feelings for.  At the end of the book, though, she realizes that her life has been full and exciting, and she feels better about everything?  What?  Wasn’t the point that she was doing some soul-searching about her feelings for Todd?

Also, isn’t the message here: your experiences with boys define you?  Am I wrong?

SVH #96: The Arrest

Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Elizabeth is still maintaining that she can’t remember anything from the night of the Jungle Prom when she crashed a car and killed Sam.  The police question her with Ned present, but she isn’t able to give them any new information.  They keep her in jail overnight, and everyone FREAKS OUT about this.  When she returns to school, she feels like a social pariah.  Enid is the only person who will talk to her, but when she sees a newspaper in Enid’s bag with an article about her arrest, she assumes that Enid meant for her to see it and runs away.

Ned hires the best lawyer around for “cases like these,” but the guy is a total dick.  After meeting with Liz and Ned, Ned fires the lawyer and says he’ll defend her himself.

Jessica is still really sad about Sam, but psychotically thinks that if Elizabeth gets punished for his death, she will feel better.  She decides that no matter what happens with Elizabeth’s court case, she’s going to get her own revenge and runs crying to Todd, who decides he has to cheer her up and offers to take her to a movie.  Afterwards, Jessica begs him to take her for a walk on the beach, where Todd holds her while she cries.  The two continue to spend time together, arousing suspicion from all their friends.

Lila is so excited about reuniting with her long-lost mother that it seems all her problems have temporarily disappeared.  She obsesses over wearing the perfect clothes and obtaining the perfect look to meet her mother, which drives her friends crazy.  When her dad and Lila go to Los Angeles to pick up Grace, Lila is taken by her beauty and disgusted by her “lover,” a wiry Frenchman named Pierre.  Lila gets upset that her mother ditches their coffee gabfest to attend to Pierre’s needs and cries some more.

Margo is still going by Michelle in Ohio and generally being a crazy person.  She locks Georgie in the closet while she files her nails and then kicks him in the head a bunch.  Um, okay.  Then she has a nightmare and realizes it’s time to move on to California, where her “real” family awaits.  She takes Georgie for a picnic, drowns him, steals his mother’s jewelry, and hops a Greyhound to California.  At a bus station somewhere, she sees an old lady with a newspaper.  There’s a picture of Elizabeth on the front, and Margo realizes she looks just like her.  She presumably kills the old lady, takes the paper and some money, and continues west.

Nicholas Morrow is lamenting the fact that he’s single even though he’s like, a total catch.  He wonders what’s wrong with him and then proceeds to list off a shit-ton of his excellent qualities.  Um, maybe the problem is that you’re a raging narcissist?  Then he gets a letter telling him he’s been chosen as one of the male contestants on the new dating show Hunks, and he realizes Olivia signed him up for it.  His first date is a girl named Jakki, who wears a lot of black clothing purple eye shadow, and blue lipstick.  She also has a butterfly tattooed on her face.  Date #2 is named Susan and is a “demure” looking chick in a floral dress with minimal makeup but giggles too much.  Date #3 is Ann and she seems juuuuust right, if only she didn’t look so embarrassed.

His first date with Jakki is a disaster, as she picks him up on her motorcycle and takes him to a biker bar called Club Mud.  His second date, with Susan, is super weird. Because she chooses to wear flip flops, they can’t get seated anywhere except for a burger joint, and she laughs the whole time and acts like a child.  I’m convinced there is a mental delay here, but that never crosses Nicholas’s mind.  His third date, with Ann, actually seems to be going pretty well, because he likes her, but he keeps screwing up: he’s late to pick her up, he forgets his wallet, his car gets a flat tire, and he pukes on her when they go to an amusement park.  When it comes time to revisit the dates on the Hunks show, the first two girls eviscerate him, but Ann has lovely things to say.  They kiss in front of the live studio audience.

Steven is worked up into a tizzy about his sister’s arrest and the deteriorating state of his family.  He’s also dealing with a new off-campus apartment and a need for a new roommate.  He sees an ad for someone named Billie Winkler who needs a place, and he calls and leaves a message for Billie to come see the place.  Imagine his surprise when Billie turns out to be a GIRL!

Bruce is still obsessing about Pamela and whether or not the rumors about her are true.  She calls him and begs to hear her out, so they agree to meet so she can explain her side of the story.  They meet at the Box Tree Cafe, but the two are heckled by some dickbags from Big Mesa, and Bruce storms out before Pamela can say anything.  She cries alone in her room.  It’s not her fault that she wouldn’t put out for some dude at Big Mesa who then spread lies about her!

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• According to this book, it’s the start of the spring term at Steven’s university. I’m not even sure how that works within the timeline, but whatever.
• The ghostwriter calls Maria Santelli “Maria Santini” in this one.  CUTE.
• Lila is going through a “Continental” phase which includes eating croissants?
• Lila and Amy go to a nail salon called Turn of the Nail.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Even though Jessica had played that silly joke on Elizabeth and Sam, the accident obviously had nothing to do with Jessica.  It was all Elizabeth’s fault.” (25)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Everything about this whole manslaughter trial thing is so weird.  First of all, the timeline for Elizabeth’s case is so compressed that it’s mind-boggling.  Also, it is so weird that she maintains she couldn’t be drunk because she never drinks.  The police tested her blood-alcohol level and it came back way higher than the legal limit! Obviously you had alcohol in your system, Elizabeth! Use your tiny brain! People spike drinks! Why is no one suggesting this as a way to fight the charges against her?  I don’t understand.  It isn’t mentioned once as a possibility.

Margo continues to be the creepiest, weirdest psychopath ever.  She’s clearly a schizophrenic, but she’s so badly characterized it’s embarrassing.  Like, the ghost writer couldn’t be bothered to do the most rudimentary research about the disorder?

SVH #95: The Morning After

Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks

Summary/Overview:

With the start of these new mini-series books, the narration tends to jump between people more than in previous books.  Therefore, my recaps are going to look a little different.

Liz is having recurring nightmares about a girl who looks exactly like her and Jessica trying to kill her.  This girl has dark hair.  She’s also completely miserable about having killed Sam.  Totally alienated at school, the only person who will talk to her is Enid.  She can’t figure out why Todd is avoiding her, and she can’t figure out what happened the night of the dance.  She’s not sure if she was drunk at the prom, which is weird, because wouldn’t the police test her blood alcohol level?

It’s a couple of weeks before the police show up at the Wakefield house and interrogate Elizabeth in front of her whole family.  Jessica sits idly by while they ask Elizabeth about the alcohol she drank at the dance, and then they tell Elizabeth that she’s under arrest for involuntary manslaughter.  They lead her out but then tell Ned he can drive her to the police station.  These police are the worst.

Jessica is devastated following the loss of Sam.  She refuses to speak to Elizabeth and cries a lot.  Instead of going to the memorial service Sam’s dirtbike friends are throwing, she goes to the cemetery where she cries a lot and blames herself for the accident.  Meanwhile, Todd starts hanging around her, because he’s clearly worried about her.  She continues to be withdrawn around her friends.

Bruce can’t stop thinking about the girl who helped him the night of the Big Mesa/Sweet Valley rumble.  Her name is Pamela Robertson, and she goes to Big Mesa.  He finds out that she plays tennis there, so he stalks her practices until he can talk to her.  Despite a bunch of people dropping hints that Pamela is known as a slut, he’s super interested in her and asks her out.  At the end of the first date, they both admit that they’re falling in love.  When Bruce gets ready to see her again, Roger tells him that he’s heard some not great things about Pamela.  He brushes this off until Amy confirms the rumors at lunch one day.  As a result, he’s a total dick to Pamela on their next date, but then feels bad about it and goes over to her house the next morning to apologize.  But when he gets there, he sees that she’s getting out of a car and kisses another boy! He’s furious.

Lila is still dealing with serious post-traumatic shock from when John Pfeifer tried to rape her.  In the aftermath of accusing Nathan the counselor of the same thing, she has a meeting with Principal Cooper, Nathan, and her father.  It’s there she comes to the realization that Nathan didn’t try to hurt her, and she apologizes and cries a bunch.  Her father’s unsure how to deal with her, and after realizing how screwed up she is, he tells her he’s sending for her mother, Grace, in Paris.  Lila breaks down in tears, thanking him.

Olivia is still taking classes at that art school where she met James in her super special book.  James isn’t in the picture any more, having accepted a scholarship to paint in Paris, but Olivia is still at it, thinking about how lonely she is.  But she’s also a super talented artist, because one of her paintings was in a student art show and now there’s a buyer interested in it.  This buy is contingent on Olivia giving a speech at some art conference.  She tells all this to Nicholas Morrow over coffee, and then they both lament the state of their love lives.  The two decide to set each other up on dates.  Olivia gets the brilliant idea to submit Nicholas as a possible contestant on a new show called Hunks.

When Olivia shows up to give the art speech, though, she finds herself at a random mansion where a boy from her art class is waiting for her.  He tells her he made the whole thing up, and instead of running for the hills from this crazy person who clearly wants to murder her and wear her like a dress, Olivia is intrigued by this Harry Minton person.

Margo: Is a new character, a foster girl living in Long Island who decides to listen to the voice in her head and embark on a westward journey.  In order to do so, she kills her five-year-old foster sister by pouring kerosene all over the kitchen and then telling her to use a metal knife to get her toast out of the toaster.  She leaves after watching the house burn with Nina inside it.  Then she decides to call herself Michelle and buys a one-way ticket to Cleveland.  She gets a job as a babysitter for a family with a little boy named Georgie.  She starts stealing from Georgie’s mother, and the voice tells her she has to go to California.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• According to this book, Margo’s been in 10 different foster homes by the age of 16.
• Bruce repeatedly refers to Pamela Robertson as “Cinderella,” and it is never not creepy.
• The English classes are reading Moby Dick.
• Pamela’s favorite old movie is Philadelphia Story

Memorable Quotes:

• “Jessica suddenly looked up. ‘Can’t you people talk about anything important?’ she cried.” (40)
• “‘Well, for one thing,’ she explained, ‘Elizabeth Wakefield, of all people, was acting possessed.'” (70)
• “What I know about teenage boys would curl your hair, lady, Margo bragged silently.” (162)
• “‘I don’t think it’s wise for my daughter to answer questions like this without an attorney present,’ Ned Wakefield said.” (200)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

There are so many things about this book that make absolutely no sense.  But two things stood out to me about this one: the handling of Lila’s accusations about Nathan and the handling of the investigation into Sam’s death.

Firstly, let’s focus on the Lila situation, which is really sad.  If there’s something to appreciate about how truly dumb this book and the series as a whole is, is that this story gets some consistency.  Lila is really, really screwed up because of what happened to her.  She’s still dealing with it, and it’s actually not that out of the realm of possibility that she’d misinterpret what Nathan was trying to do that night.

But instead of dealing with this in a way that makes any sense (remember, the police were involved at the end of the last book), Chrome Dome Cooper calls a meeting with Lila, her father, and Nathan.  There are no police, and Cooper acts as a mediator, asking for Lila’s story while Nathan is in the room.  In what reality does a victim of sexual assault have to give testimony for the first time with the accused in the room?  It’s so fucked.  It makes no sense.  But they wrap this up quickly so we can get to the ridiculous Elizabeth story.

Which brings me to the second issue here.  Elizabeth states in the middle of the book that she can’t imagine she was drunk, which makes no sense, because she would have been treated for injuries in the hospital after the car crash and then interviewed by police.  There is NO FREAKING WAY that the police would wait weeks to question her about the accident.  So when they show up at the house and ask about her blood alcohol level, which they apparently DID test at the scene, she’s like, “I don’t know how I got drunk!”

None of this makes any sense.  It just doesn’t.  It’s this bizarre plot hole that shouldn’t be there because the book is contradicting itself over the course of like, 50 pages.  After they question her, one of the cops says that they’ve been trying to handle this investigation delicately because she’s a good student and her dad is a prominent lawyer in the community.  I’m sure that will be of great comfort to DEAD SAM WOODRUFF’S PARENTS.  Jesus Christ.

What will happen in the next book?  Will Elizabeth end up in jail forever?  I WISH.