SVH #46: Decisions (Revisited)

“Don’t worry,” Robin said.  “Every time I go to diving practice and see myself in a bathing suit, I say, ‘Don’t eat–don’t eat.’ So far it’s worked.”

The original cover, circa 1988

Details: Originally published in June 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 165 pages.

Summary/Overview: Robin Wilson has inexplicably applied early decision to Sarah Lawrence and been accepted, even though she’s only a junior. She’s feeling ambivalent about this achievement, and it’s clear that it’s been pushed by her mother and her aunt, who has offered to pay Robin’s tuition there. Robin hasn’t told her boyfriend George because it would mean a cross-country separation, and she’s unsure if he’ll take that news well (spoiler: he will not). When George does find out, he blows up at her, and Robin assumes that her best friend Annie Whitman told him, so she blows up at her. It’s a whole mess, especially because Liz is the one who spilled the beans, albeit accidentally.

Robin is in a full tail spin about the entire thing, which is bad timing, because she’s got a big diving championship coming up. Her performance suffers as her anxiety about the decision increases, and these things are compounded by a visit from her rich and pushy aunt, who seems to have opinions on basically everything. Robin’s aunt tells her that it’s Sarah Lawrence (and it’s next year) or nothing: she will either pay for Robin’s tuition or she won’t, and it’s completely on her terms. She also shit talks diving and athletics in a weird turn of events.

At the meet, Robin bombs the first dive until she sees George in the audience and gains the confidence she needs to put in a good performance. She crushes it, impressing everyone (including her aunt), and her coach tells her she might have a shot at an athletic scholarship when she’s ready for school. Everyone makes up. All is well, except for me – I am extremely unwell at how stupid this book is.

The B-Plot: Jessica needs pocket money, so she gets a job babysitting for a little girl whose brother turns out to be a total hottie. The problem is that he’s way more interested in practicing music than he is in Jessica, so she decides to take up music, too. She settles on playing the recorder, even though she’s terrible at it. When she finally gets his attention, he tells her he’d be thrilled to date her when he’s finished with his degree in a few years. Meanwhile, Liz discovers that she’s great at the recorder and takes it up as a hobby after keeping her talent from Jessica out of fear she’d be jealous or something. This book is bullshit.

“And what’s this I hear about your diving?” she continued. “Honestly, Robin. I had no idea that you wanted to be an athlete, of all things.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2-3 weeks
– Diving championship

Trivia/Fun Facts:
– The wooden recorder Jessica looks at is $300, which would be about $750 in today’s inflation (lolsob)
– Robin has two brothers, which feels like extremely new information
– Lila travels with an oriental rug for the beach
– Mention of the Cote d’Or, a fancy restaurant in Malvina

Pop Culture:
– “Greensleeves” and “Jolly Miller” are mentioned as songs
– Mozart, Debussy
– Brahm’s “Lullaby”

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, no. No, this one does not hold up. Not a single thing in this book makes any damn sense! You don’t just apply to college “early decision” as a junior. That’s not even what that phrase means! Having perfect grades would also not qualify you to leave high school early – there’s never any mention of Robin having taken extra credits to allow her to graduate a year before the rest of her class. None of this makes any sense, and then when you couple this with the fact that her aunt seems to be insisting that Robin either go to Sarah Lawrence next year or not at all, it’s like find a basement in hell. Why couldn’t Robin get the money to attend the school in another year, when she would be graduating with her class? We don’t know, because it’s never mentioned!

Then there’s the fact that George behaves like a total asshole, making demands of Robin that he really has no right to. I get that teens don’t want to break up when their significant other moves across the country, but twisting it around into something that he blows up at her over is really weird and honestly pretty alarming? It’s all for naught, too, because Robin decides to finish high school and also not go to Sarah Lawrence, so…

Anyway, I hated this one!

SVH #20: Crash Landing! (Revisited)

“Hamburgers are gauche,” Jessica told him. “What I like is called haute cuisine. You guys probably don’t know what that means.”

The original cover, circa 1985. Liz looks great!

Details: Originally published in June 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 151 pages.

Summary/Overview: Enid and George are up in a tiny plane after he gets his pilot’s license. Even though George has fallen in love with Robin Wilson, he had promised Enid the first ride and he’s a man of his word. When the plane stalls out, they make an emergency landing in Secca Lake. Enid swims around to rescue an unconscious George and hits her back so hard that she loses feeling. She’s paralyzed!

After surgery to repair a pinched nerve in her back, doctors claim that Enid should be able to walk again with a little physical therapy. But she doesn’t seem to make any progress, and the tighter she holds onto George, the more distant he seems to grow. Elizabeth, of course, knows that this is due in large part because he’s in love with someone else but feels he can’t leave Enid while she’s wheelchair-bound. He takes her to a dance where everyone is extremely weird about the fact that she had the audacity to show up in a chair, and when Enid makes him dance with Robin, she realizes that he has feelings for her but goes into further denial about it all.

Elizabeth decides that it’s time for Enid to start walking again and enlists the help of Teddy Collins, precocious child of Mr. Collins. She invites Enid over while she’s “babysitting” Teddy, and leaves them out by the pool. Teddy pretends to fall in and drown while Elizabeth is in the house, and Enid leaps out of her chair and into the water to rescue him. She’s cured! Everyone cheers.

She realizes she needs to break up with George and the two remain friends.

The B-Plot: Jessica and Lila take a gourmet cooking class and Jessica becomes smitten with the French chef. She’s convinced that he’ll want to date her, even though he’s in his twenties and shows no interest in her whatsoever. On the day she plans to ask him to take her to a high school dance, she meets his wife and aborts the mission. However, she likes cooking and plans an extravagant seafood meal for her family – but accidentally gives them food poisoning by serving them mussels that have gone bad. When she tells her parents she’s planned to cook them a romantic dinner for their anniversary, they demure, and she’s incredibly offended.

“I can’t bear it!” Elizabeth said. “I can’t stand the thought of Enid living like an invalid!”

I couldn’t find a better pic of this (hardcover?) version with the weird red banner over the pic. I hate it!

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4-6 weeks
– Plane crash in Secca Lake (while classmates have a bbq nearby)
– Gourmet cooking class (Jessica and Lila)
– School Dance
– Liz and Todd’s “monthly anniversary” and Ned and Alice’s anniversary

Trivia:
– Jessica wears a cream-colored dress to the dance
– First hint of Mr. Collins and Ms. Dalton dating
– In a case of bizarre retconning, we’re given psychopath Jack’s last name: Howard. A bit too late, ghost writers!
– Apparently the twins still plan to be tour guides this summer, a plot point that has not been mentioned in 15 books

Pop Culture:
– Cosmopolitan
– Pillsbury Dough Boy
– Robert Redford

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):

Let’s start with the funniest part of this one: Jessica’s obsession with a French chef who displays absolutely no personality traits whatsoever (but must be hot, I guess), and her absolutely deluded assertion that a man in his mid-twenties would be game for a high school dance (in the school’s gymnasium) with a sixteen-year-old as a date. This has not aged well, if indeed it ever seemed like a good subplot!

Of all the “mysterious medical conditions at Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital,” this is certainly one of them! I absolutely believe that the mind is a powerful thing, and that a person could develop a “psychological block” about their physical progress, but all of the stuff about Enid not being able to walk is so incredibly weird! It’s weird that she gave her back a little bump and loses all feelings in her legs, but there’s no indication that she broke anything in her spine. It’s weird that the doctors “operate” on her but the recovery process is basically like, “go home and start walking, kid!” It’s weird that everyone just carts Enid and her wheelchair around with absolutely no training – and I could not stop thinking about the catheter situation that must also have been part of this!

But also, the scene where Enid and George show up at the dance and everyone is extremely weird about it is honestly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read! Lila actually sneers about how inappropriate it is and wonders what Enid will do all night, and I wanted to shake her and say, “IDK, Lila, probably the same thing you’re doing, which is talking a lot of shit and not dancing!”

Weird ableist bullshit, man. Thanks I hate it!

SVH #19: Showdown (Revisited)

“Who’s surprised?” John shrugged. “We both know Sweet Valley High has a hotter gossip circuit than Hollywood.”

The original cover, circa 1985

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in May 1985. Paperback, 151 pages.

Summary: Lila is dating mysterious* construction worker Jack and throws a pool party to show him off to all her friends. When Jessica lays eyes on him, she decides he’s the man for her and does her best to seduce him. It seems to work, at least a little: Jack begins seeing Jessica during the week and Lila on weekends and lies to both of them. Jack proposes to Lila in secret and she is thrilled by this development. I have questions. Liz worries that Jessica’s seeing a bad guy (because who would go out with two girls at once, right?), and tries to warn her, but Jessica is too preoccupied inventing a wild backstory for Jack to notice.

Indeed, most people at SVH are pretty into the rumors about Jack’s background. Though he’s hinted that he comes from money and he’s trying to make his way without his father’s help, he doesn’t actually give Jessica or Lila much to work with. Rumors include Jack being the son of royalty, so people are definitely keeping a firm grip on reality.

Nicholas Morrow is pretty sure he knows Jack from somewhere, but Jack is incredibly evasive during their brief encounters. There are times when Jack seems kind of out of it, with bloodshot eyes and erratic behavior, that people seem to mostly brush off. When Nicholas and his friend from the east coast run into Jack and Jessica at dinner one night, Nicholas finally figures out that he knows him from boarding school. Jack lost his whole family in a boating accident, turned to drugs, and got violent with an ex-girlfriend. He runs to the Wakefield house where he encounters Liz, and she rushes out with him to try to save Jessica, who has gone to Jack’s house.

They arrive in the nick of time: Jessica has discovered Jack’s drug stash and he’s attacked her, holding her hostage by knife point. Nicholas and his friend try to tackle Jack, Jessica gives a “cheerleading” kick and knocks the knife out of his hand. She is rescued.

*”Mysterious” here means that she knows nothing about him, including his last name.

The B-Plot: A mysterious photographer has been capturing “hilarious” shots of people around Sweet Valley, and Elizabeth wants to hire them onto the paper. Through some sleuthing, she figures out that it’s Tina Alaya, newspaper editor Penny’s sister. When she discovers this, she also discovers that Tina has captured an image of George (Enid’s boyfriend) and Robin Wilson in flagrante delicto – the two have been taking private flying lessons and fell for one another. She begs Tina to keep it quiet and confronts George and Robin, who come clean immediately. George plans to tell Enid when he takes her out for their flight after he gets his license.

Losing my mind at this French cover, translated as “It Had to Happen”

It hadn’t looked that way to Elizabeth when she’d studied Tina’s snapshot, but her judgment had been uncharacteristically unreliable lately.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
Pool party at Lila’s house

Trivia:
– Nicholas attended Teela Locca sailing camp in New Hampshire
– Jessica and the number 37: “A hundred and thirty-seven fits”
– Lila brings a butter and caviar sandwich and shrimp salad to school for lunch. Gross.
– Bruce won the Sweet Valley Centennial Committee election over Ken Matthews. If this happened in the last book, my eyes glazed over it.

Pop Culture References:
– The Twilight Zone
– Gentleman’s Quarterly
– Miss Julie
– Help! and The Beatles
– The Police
– Humphrey Bogart & The Maltese Falcon
– Dracula and The Wicked Witch of the West
– Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):

Whew. I’ve read this book probably four or five times in my lifetime, and it was only this most recent read-through that something clicked for me: not only do readers not know Jack’s last name; no one knows his last name. It’s not that it isn’t mentioned in the book – it’s that they never bothered with a last name for this character at all. Near the end of the book, Jessica is hunting through Jack’s apartment, trying to find monogrammed cufflinks (relatable) or even a prescription bottle that might contain a hint of “who he was, like his last name,” and I realized that these girls have been fighting over a man whose last name they don’t know. I fully cackled at this realization.

This is so deeply weird to me? Especially since Lila gets engaged to him and doesn’t bother to find out his last name! She wouldn’t want to try out her name with his? Like, she gets engaged and doesn’t once think, “I’ll be Mrs. Lila Jack’s Last Name.” In 1985? I don’t think so, hunnay!

But honestly everything about this one is a mess. The pacing is all over the place – the first two-thirds are so boring and then there’s so much action crammed in the last bit that it gives a reader whiplash. It’s also not just that we don’t know Jack’s last name – we don’t know anything about him, know nothing about his motivations (like why would he be messing around with two sixteen year olds? I guess technically he steals from them, but not enough to really support his drug habit, and it seems like more work than it’s worth), and his escalation at the end strains credulity. I know that the series was still trying to figure out how to make the books more like thrillers at this stage, and we’re certainly seeing an escalation of the stakes here compared with Kidnapped, but it’s still so clumsily done that it’s all very ?????

SVH #4: Power Play (Revisited)

Looking awkward and uncomfortable, Robin blushed. ‘I don’t mean to offend you, Liz, really I don’t, but I’m pretty sure Jessica’s never dressed like that in her life.’

The original cover, circa 1983

Details: Originally published in January 1984 by Bantam Books. According to my paperback copy, there had been 17 printings through February 1988.

Summary: Robin Wilson is determined to gain a bid to join Pi Beta Alpha, and she’s sure that Jessica will submit her name for pledging, since she promised to. Elizabeth is less sure about it, and so she submits Robin’s name, much to Jessica’s shock and anger. The PBAs come up with some truly humiliating challenges for Robin as part of her pledge process, including running the track in front of the entire school and daring her to ask Bruce Patman to the discomarathon dance at school. Liz intervenes to help with the latter, telling Bruce that she’ll write a feature about what an incredible tennis player he is in return for his help. But Bruce humiliates Robin in front of the school at the dance.

Even though Robin passes all the challenges the PBAs throw at her, she is blackballed during the voting process. Humiliated and mortified, she blows up at both of the twins before disappearing for a few weeks. When she comes back to school, it’s like a flip is switched and she’s a ghost of herself. She runs five miles every day and eats lettuce and a hard-boiled egg for lunch. She drops an unspecified amount of weight, but it’s a lot.

She tries out for the cheerleading squad and is named co-captain alongside Jessica. She competes against the PBA girls for the title of Miss Sweet Valley High (or possibly football queen – it’s hard to tell what exactly this is supposed to be), and she is named queen at the Homecoming game. She brings shy and quiet newspaper photographer Allen Walters on her victory lap around the field.

At some point the image was flipped for the cover?

The B Plot: Lila starts showering Jessica with expensive gifts that she claims are being sent from her aunt in New York. Something about it makes Liz uneasy, and when she pieces together that the items are actually coming from expensive stores at the mall (and that they’re being shoplifted), she gets really worried. Things come to a head when Jessica gets arrested for shoplifting, even though it’s been Lila the whole time. Lila eventually fesses up, gets arrested, and garners the attention of her workaholic father, which is what she wanted the entire time.

But as it often happened with the Wakefield twins, Jessica worked very hard to convince herself and others that nothing that went wrong was her fault, while Elizabeth usually found herself having to mop up the mess, no matter who had caused it.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
– 3-4 months elapse in this one, at least
– Discomarathon Dance at SVH
– Jessica is elected president of PBA; they recruit new members
– Miss Sweet Valley High (football queen???) contest
– Homecoming game (literally how????)
– Elizabeth gets her first byline in the Sweet Valley News

Trivia:
– Jessica and the number 37: “Robin can get carried away four hundred and thirty-seven times a day…she’s taking about thirty-seven extra courses…we have thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents in the treasury…if she ran around that track about a hundred and thirty-seven times…my head is going to burst into five hundred and thirty-seven pieces…I told her eight hundred and thirty-seven times….a hundred and thirty-seven disasters…the jerkiest person in thirty-seven states”
– Bruce is all-county first singles in tennis
– Lila starred in Pippin the year before

Pop Culture References:
– Attila the Hun
– Jane Fonda (workout on “video cassette”)
– Elvis Presley
– Fantasy Island
– Jon McEnroe
– Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall

Has there ever been a cover that says less about its contents?

Does it Hold Up? (A Critical Analysis)

Yeesh. This one is really hard to get through. This book is so incredibly fatphobic and so incredibly triggering and damaging, even for the early 80s, that it’s hard to see how it was ever greenlit as something that would be a positive influence on pubescent girls. It’s honestly one of the most hateful and awful things I’ve ever read in terms of bodies and body-shaming.

The thing is, it’s not just Jessica that talks about Robin in a truly unforgivable way. Every single character in this book (with the exception of Allen Walters) talks about Robin’s body in a way that’s so wildly fatphobic and out of line that there’s nothing here that’s redeemable. Even Elizabeth thinks about Robin’s body (and watches in horror as Robin eats a candy bar). The whole thing is so weird and so gross. Robin has literally been mocked and bullied about her weight, and then when she loses the weight, Elizabeth has the gall to say, “I hope you did this the right way.” Like of course she didn’t, you stupid bitch? She was horrifically bullied by her classmates and losing weight this quickly is a trauma response?

The thing is, Robin is funny. When Elizabeth tells her she looks terrible after running laps, Robin deadpans, “I’ve never looked good in shorts, Liz.” When she tells Liz that PBA has challenged her to get Bruce Patman to take her to the discomarathon, she says she’d have a better chance of going with Elvis Presley, and Liz doesn’t get it and tries to explain that he’s dead, but that was Robin’s whole point: “I’d have a better chance with a dead superstar than a live Bruce Patman.” Honestly, these mayonnaise teenagers at SVH don’t deserve Robin.

I honestly don’t know what to make of this one, other than the fact that it deeply sucks! There’s this sort of hurried statement near the end that indicates that Robin has taken back her power, that she’s ashamed that she let Jessica et al shame and humiliate her, but she has also starved and shrunk herself to fit into the white sumpremacist/patriarchal beauty ideals that others were using against her. It’s only now that she’s “trim and fit” that she’s accepted herself and is accepted by others. At the end of the day Robin gets her comeuppance because she’s thin enough to be accepted and desired.

Make no mistake: this book directly equates thinness to beauty. Robin is called “fat and ugly” in the same sentence, and then when she loses the weight, she’s suddenly beautiful. The whole thing is honestly so disgusting it makes me sick.

SVH #3: Playing with Fire (Revisited)

“I heard somewhere that identical twins have identical talents.”

Original cover, circa 1983

Details: Originally published in December 1983 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 149 pages.

Summary: Jessica finally gets the attention of Bruce Patman after they win the Sweet Valley High dance contest, and Elizabeth (and most of Jessica’s friends) are horrified to find that Jessica completely neuters her personality in order to keep Bruce’s attention and affection. What starts as an exciting dalliance quickly devolves into waiting by the phone for Bruce to call. Bruce doesn’t take Jessica out so much as he takes her to the beach to fool around in his Porsche. She gives up cheerleading and her grades slip. In an attempt to save her chemistry grade, she convinces Robin Wilson to steal a copy of the test. Instead of using it herself, she gives it to The Droids’ drummer Emily Mayer, who is also struggling with the class. This plan backfires.

Elizabeth is pretty sure that Bruce is cheating on Jessica, a suspicion that’s confirmed when sports reporter John Pfeiffer lets slip that he was racing his car with a female companion on a weekend Bruce was supposed to be with his grandma. Still, Jessica makes excuses until literally confronted with the truth at Bruce’s 18th birthday party at Guido’s. When he claims he has to go home to see to his ailing grandma, Liz and Todd take Jessica home only to turn the car around as part of a plot to catch Bruce in a lie. Jessica finds Bruce back at the party with a redhead, and she finally reaches her breaking point, dumping a pitcher of soda over his head before watching him fall into a fountain. She’s back, baby!

The B-Plot: The Droids are signed by a manager who promises that he can take them to the big time. But weeks pass and the band continues to play dive bars, and tensions start to rise when it seems as though the manager is only interested in lead singer Dana. When it turns out that he is only interested in Dana, she kicks him to the curb and the band remembers what’s important: each other. Or whatever.

“We really don’t have much in common, though. I get nervous around people who eat all the time.”

Reboot cover, circa 2009

Social Calendar Roundup:
Estimated Elapsed time: 2-3 months (this one plays really fast and loose with time)
– SVH’s 5th Annual Rockin’ Dance Contest
– Party at Ken Matthews
– Bruce Patman’s 18th birthday party

Trivia:
– This will mean nothing to most people, but when The Droids are in talks to get signed to a manager, they mention signing August Moon, which is the name of the fictional band in my favorite book, The Idea of You. Worlds collide!
– Jessica claims she was on the swim team in junior high
– Bruce can’t “stand” New Wave clothes
– Dallas Heights High is mentioned as a SVH rival school

Pop Culture References:
– Dance Fever (a TV series that ran 1979-1987)
– Koko the Clown
– Peanuts cartoons
– Chris Evert (Lloyd)

Does it hold up? (A Critical Analysis):

Jessica and Bruce are definitely fucking in this, right? That’s the takeaway I had during this round of close reading, and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Like, it’s very clear that Bruce’s interest is purely physical, and the amount of time they spend parked in his car or, like, groping in the woods by the lake is enough to indicate that they aren’t just making out. I am admittedly not a teenager and haven’t been one in a long time, but I was a teenager at one point, and I did a fair amount of parking in my boyfriend’s Ford Explorer (and also just sneaking around his basement in his parent’s mansion), and like…things escalate?

It is extremely hard for me to imagine that someone as demanding (and poorly drawn) as Bruce Patman would be cool with a permanent case of blue balls. Everything in the book is very “fade to black” but the text does hint at the fact that they’re going pretty far. I don’t know why I never put this together before? My mom certainly did – this was one of the books that I was not allowed to check out from the library.

Anyway, Bruce is a piece of shit, Jessica’s behavior makes absolutely no sense throughout this book, and I literally cannot believe the amount of retconning Pascal will have to do when we get to Sweet Valley Confidential to make him a redeeming character. Literally everyone in this one sucks, except for poor Robin Wilson. Even Winston sucks in this one. I’m super bummed out, and things are about to get way, way worse in the next book.

SVH #112: Jessica Quits the Squad

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Jessica is trying to get over that whole unpleasant episode with Jeremy, the money-grubbing sociopath and has thrown herself fully into the cheerleading world once again.  This doesn’t go as smoothly as she’d like when new girl Heather Mallone shows up and starts stealing the spotlight from her.  Heather was a big deal cheerleader at her old school and walks her way onto the team with very little effort.  Despite Jessica’s best attempts to get the better of her, Heather keeps laying on the sickly sweet act and messing up Jessica’s plans to rule the school.

Jessica decides to make Heather perform a series of tests to prove her worthiness or something.  She suggests having Heather sit at the chess club table at lunch two days in a row.  Then she has to wear a totally embarrassing outfit.  Jessica has her sing the national anthem in front of a class.  I don’t get how any of these things are that embarrassing, but whatever.  All of these “tests” backfire in Jessica’s face, as Heather manages to pull each one off with panache and grace.  She ends up on the cheerleading squad.

Robin Wilson announces that her dad has accepted a job transfer to Denver, Colorado.  Jessica is worried this means that Heather will make a play for the co-captain spot.  At the going-away party, she announces Heather’s ascension to co-captain.  When Jessica catches Heather flirting with Ken, she “accidentally” bumps into her, sending her straight into the pool.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth OBSESSES over the fact that Ken Matthews and Jess have started dating and are now the school’s “it” couple.  She keeps angsting over the fact that she and Ken hooked up a couple of times while Todd lived in Vermont, even though this totally didn’t happen except for in her Secret Diary.  I still declare those books anathema, so it’s hard for me to get behind this.  She goes to see Mr. Collins and asks for advice for “her friend.”  He tells her she needs to tell her “friend” that until she and this guy resolve their feelings for one another, there will be jealousy and hurt in the air.  Liz takes this to mean she should hide her feelings inside.  Okay.

At the party at Amy’s, Liz is so jealous when she sees Jessica and Ken dancing together that she suggests they all switch partners.  Then she can’t talk to Ken, gets upset, and runs away.  When Jessica asks Ken about it, he gets weirdly defensive.  In fact, both he and Liz are super weird to Jess about the other, but she still doesn’t put it together.  Liz keeps telling Jess that “anything could happen” which is a weird way to warn her off of Ken.

Heather takes over as co-captain and starts pissing Jess off immediately by changing the time practice starts and not telling her and then condescending to every suggestion Jess makes for their cheers.  When she starts harshly criticizing the other cheerleaders’ dance moves, Jessica gleefully thinks it won’t be long before everyone hates her.  But then she finds out that Heather invited a bunch of girls and guys (including Ken) over for a “dinner party” and didn’t invite her.  When Jessica asks Lila about it, Lila says it’s because Heather thinks Jessica doesn’t like her and really wants to be friends.

Then Heather kicks Sandy Bacon and Maria Santelli off the squad on a day when Jessica is home sick.  When Jessica confronts her about it, she pulls out a rule book and references an obscure loophole that lets her make that kind of decision without Jessica present.  Jessica declares war on Heather.  But before she can really do anything, she realizes that Heather has completely brainwashed the entire squad, as well as having put them on a crazy restrictive diet and exercise plan.  She feels frustrated.  The night of a big game, Jessica watches in horror as the team performs a cheer she doesn’t know.  Furious and humiliated, she yells at Heather, quits the squad, and runs off the field.

Ken tries to cheer her up, but she’s seen pictures of Ken and Liz together and has doubts about his feelings for her.  When she gets home that night, choosing to skip the pool party at Lila’s, she digs up Liz’s diary and confirms her suspicions: Liz and Ken had an “affair” back when Todd was gone.  Jessica cries.  And…scene!

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Heather Malone drives a white Mazda Miata and has a vanity license plate that says “Cheerleader”
• At Amy’s goodbye party for Robin, everyone drinks “exotic nonalcoholic drinks”
• Typo alert: “”always were waterproof mascara to pool parties.” AWESOME. It’s not even the right homophone.
• Whitman (High?) is another of SVH’s rival schools for sports events

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘Hi, Jessica,’ Heather said, smiling that same syrupy smile as she extender her hand to Jessica. ‘What an adorable little blouse you’re wearing. It’s so, uh…retro.'” (21)
• “Heather opened her mouth, and out came the sounds of a professional singer.  All of the students sat perfectly quiet and still as Heather filled the room with her beautiful voice.  She did a funky version of the national anthem, and some students were even clapping their hands and snapping their fingers.” (55)
• “It was totally out of character for Elizabeth to lie to her sister like that, but she couldn’t help it.” (90)
• “‘You’re right,’ Lila said, pausing in the middle of applying mascara.  ‘You look like Joan Crawford. Wipe it off and try mine.  It’s less harsh.'” (142)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis: 

There are a few things that struck me about this book.  One was the callous way the ghost writer would refer to a couple of fairly serious things that happened in previous books. The first of these was Annie Whitman’s attempted suicide.  Jessica thinks back on it and sort of brushes it off again.  It’s weird and jarring.  This is compounded by the fact that after Heather unveils her new diet and exercise regime for the squad, Jessica thinks about Robin Wilson’s “bout” of anorexia.  She thinks about how Robin got so thin she had to be fed intravenously in the hospital.  Uh, that is not a “bout” of anorexia.

The other thing that struck me about this one: why in god’s name isn’t there a coach for the cheerleading team?  They wouldn’t put two high school juniors in charge of the entire team.  From my limited experience with high school sports, I know there were captains for cheerleading squads, but they were just sort of like, senior members.  They weren’t in charge of all of the choreography and the meets and such.  Whatever, this is making my brain hurt.

SVH #93: Stepsisters

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Annie Whitman’s mom has been spending a lot of time in New York as part of her work as a fashion model (strictly catalog work, Annie is quick to tell her friends), and when she comes back from her latest month-long trip (leaving Annie alone, I guess?), she tells her that she’s been seeing a man in New York–a photographer named Walter Thomas, and the two of them are getting married! Walter has a daughter about Annie’s age named Cheryl, and the two of them will be moving to Sweet Valley.  Oh, and they’re black.  Annie is stunned but works hard to not be prejudiced about the fact that her new family will look different from her.  Whatever, I hate this book already.

In the span of like a day of this news, Annie’s mom buys the house next door to the Wakefield twins, and within the week, the new family is moving in, Walter and Cheryl already in tow.  The twins are excited about the new neighbors and are totally cool about Cheryl.  They help the girls unpack and notice that things between Annie and Cheryl are already tense, despite the fact that it’s clear Annie is trying as hard as she can to make Cheryl comfortable.  The problem is, Annie’s so concerned with not being a racist that she ends up being super, super racist, obsessing over color and inviting a bunch of students of color to the party she throws in Cheryl’s honor even though she’s not good friends with them.  She also doesn’t tell anyone that Cheryl is black before they meet her, making the situation even weirder.

Annie keeps trying to include Cheryl in her life, but everything keeps going wrong.  She encourages her to join Pi Beta Alpha and go to football games, even though neither is Cheryl’s scene. The two continue to resent one another but neither one is willing to admit it out loud.  At a pool party at Suzanne Hanlon’s house, Cheryl makes a little speech thanking the PBAs for considering her for membership, but then declines to even pledge.  She also accuses Annie of trying to make her fit in by turning her white.

Eventually, the two figure out a way to talk to one another, but it takes a trip to the hospital to do so.  Annie’s mother had appendicitis–but she’s fine now.  The girls decide to allow them to be themselves or something, and all is well with the world.  Cheryl also starts flirting pretty seriously with Steven Wakefield.

Oh, and Annie and Tony Esteban get back together.  YAWN.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Cheryl’s friends spend their summers at Blue Water, a place for musicians
• Cheryl is a lacto-ovo-vegetarian
• Rhomboid is a new up-and-coming band.  The name is literally the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
• Annie throws a party for Cheryl at their house the DAY AFTER they move in.  Jesus, that’s fast.
• Apparently Annie is quite the cook?

Memorable Quotes:

• “Annie thought carefully about the question. She was friends with Patsy Gilbert and Andy Jenkins, who were black, and Rosa Jameson and Manuel Lopez, who were Hispanic, and she could honestly say that she didn’t think about their skin colors or ethnic backgrounds any more than she did about, say, Jessica and Elizabeth’s English and Swedish background.” (13) [Blogger’s note: Are you fucking kidding me?]
• “‘You actually have sororities in high school here?’ Cheryl asked, sounding surprised. ‘Sweet Valley sounds like something out of a 1950’s beach-party movie–football, cheerleaders, sororities, surfing. I suppose you have a burger joint, too?'” (75)
• “‘And there’s something else I wanted to ask you about,’ Cheryl went on, looking a little troubled. ‘What gives with all these black, Asian, and Hispanic kids here? I don’t think I’ve seen this many people of color since I got to Sweet Valley, and certainly not in place.'” (86)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Guys, this book is fucked.  Like, seriously, seriously fucked.  It’s hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure that the underlying message of the book is that skin color doesn’t matter and that people who worry about whether or not it does are doing the real anti-racist work, but the message is so, so wrong and so convoluted it’s hard to tell.  Annie’s obsession (and seriously, she is OBSESSED) with the fact that Cheryl is black is so hard to read, because I think we’re supposed to identify with Annie?  We’re supposed to think that because she’s worrying about it, it means she’s not racist?  When the reality is that she comes off as more racist than anyone else, even Suzanne Hanlon, who is clearly a racist little twat?

There were so many moments when I laughed out loud because I was completely incredulous about what was being said or done in the book.  Take this quote, for instance:

‘I’m sure you have less to worry about than you think,’ Elizabeth suggested. ‘Maybe you should talk to Patty or Tracy Gilbert, or maybe Andy Jenkins. I know Andy did have that trouble with Charlie Cashman, but aside from that I don’t think he or any of the other black kids have had much reason to feel uncomfortable at Sweet Valley High.’ (40)

She’s talking about that time that Andy Jenkins was jumped by five guys, punched in the stomach by his best friend, and was hospitalized.  You know, “that trouble” where Andy was the victim of racialized violence.  But apart from that, students of color at Sweet Valley don’t worry about racism in their high school or their town!

Except for when Rosa Jameson lied about her ethnic heritage because she was afraid that students wouldn’t accept her.  And when Sandy Bacon dealt with comments about the fact that her boyfriend, Manuel Lopez, was Hispanic and she was white.  Except for those incidents.

Also, how completely fucked is it that Liz is speaking on behalf of students of color to begin with?  YOU ARE THE PROBLEM, LIZ.

Ugh, I just can’t.

 

SVH # 74: The Perfect Girl

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4-5 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Robin seems to have it all since she lost all that weight and became co-captain of the cheerleading squad, but lately she has been feeling extremely self-conscious about her body.  She relies on her boyfriend, George Warren, to reaffirm her self-worth and self-image.  Then he announces that he wants to take up flying again (because it went so great last time?), and is going to be taking flying lessons and won’t be around as much.  This worries Robin for a number of reasons, but the biggest one seems to be that she doesn’t know what she’ll do without him around.

As Robin obsesses about her body and her weight, she also seems to worry about not seeing George.  Things worsen for her when George starts talking about his new friend from class, a woman named Vicky who’s an oceanography major and a math whiz.  When George brings her along for what’s supposed to be a double date to the disco that turns into a three’s-a-crowd situation, Robin starts to really freak out, because Vicky is thin and gorgeous, and George will literally not shut up about her.  Robin is rude to Vicky, who seems to be genuinely nice but also says things that kind of suck, and she and George fight, driving them further apart.  When Robin weighs herself and finds that she’s gained three pounds, she decides to start seriously restricting and excessively exercising, telling herself that she will be better when she’s thinner.

This continues for days, and Robin’s eating disorder worsens to the point where she seems unable to eat nearly anything, and certainly not in public.  As she restricts, she also becomes bossier when it comes to her cheerleading duties, as the girls are planning a fundraiser to raise money for a new gym floor for the high school.  The plan is to create the largest ice cream sundae they can and sell tickets to people who want to see it and eat it.  The girls notice that Robin looks drawn and thinner, and that she’s starting snapping at people when they offer her food, but her clearly obsessive food problems are largely ignored.

She keeps dropping weight and avoiding eating around people.  When George takes her out to dinner, she orders food and then sends it away, embarrassing George and making herself feel miserable.  Things worsen for her, and when people start to express concern about her frail frame, she brushes them off.  In addition to not eating, she starts to exhibit other signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder.  When she finally faints at the Super Sundae even the cheerleaders have put on and is unable to be revived, she wakes up in the hospital.

Pretty much everyone comes to visit her while she’s there, including Vicky, who gives her this weird speech about how George doesn’t even see Vicky as a girl because he’s so in love with Robin and Vicky isn’t perfect because she did drugs when she was 14 because her parents were getting divorced.  The whole thing feels tonally wrong, but whatever.  George is also there and they reconcile, with Robin apologizing for being angry with him.  But she also breaks up with him, because she finally admits that she has anorexia and needs to work on getting better.  When she returns to school a week later (are we really to believe they wouldn’t put Robin in treatment?), her friends are cautiously optimistic.  And that’s sort of it.

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• All the ice cream comes from Izzy’s Famous Ice Cream stores, which is weird, because don’t the teens all love Casey’s for their frozen-dairy fix?
• Robin’s safe foods include dry salad and water.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Even though she never had to go on a diet, Elizabeth was always aware of her weight. Some girls dieted religiously, and some girls were almost obsessed with the way their bodies looked.  It was hard not to be conscious of it to some extent. Elizabeth just hoped her friends used common sense.” (17)
• “A cold fist closed around Robin’s heart. And who was to say it couldn’t happen again? If George had been capable of cheating on Enid, didn’t that mean he was capable of cheating on Robin?” (40)

A (Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

It’s hard to snark on this one not only because of how earnest it is, but also because it’s trying so hard to paint a fair picture of what an eating disorder looks like.  Of course, it’s a Sweet Valley High novel, it’s not even 150 pages, and the timeframe is so compressed that it makes the disease seem bizarrely short-lived.

While I was reading this, I was uncomfortable with the unintentionally ironic message the book is sending to its readers.  Throughout this entire ordeal, the ghost writer works hard to accurately portray body dysmorphia and the addictive feelings of hunger in Robin, who, I would argue, has been struggling with anorexia and disordered eating since she lost the weight back in book 4.  And for the most part, they do a pretty good job of giving credence to Robin’s thoughts and fears, even if it reads as sort of a textbook of what anorexia looked like, at least according to early 90s diagnoses.  So, fine, the book gets credit for handling this as well as could be hoped for a series that’s about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

No, the problem is with Elizabeth (and to a lesser degree, the other people in the book).  Throughout this entire novel, Elizabeth worries about how obsessed girls are with their weight and their bodies.  Several times, the word “sensible” is used to describe how girls should be about food and their bodies.  This doesn’t make sense, as an eating disorder is a mental illness and the concept of “sensibility” doesn’t apply, like, at all.  But more than that, Elizabeth keeps thinking about how a person’s size shouldn’t matter, and sort of smugly assesses Lois Waller, who is apparently the only fat girl in Sweet Valley High:

Lois would never be a fashion mode, but she clearly had a great relationship with Gene, and her life was completely optimistic. So what difference did it make if she couldn’t wear size-six jeans? None at all, Elizabeth told herself confidently.  None at all.

First of all, are you fucking kidding me?  Is this a joke?  I don’t think it is.  It’s so weird for Liz to be validating Lois’s existence despite, or in spite of, her size.  There’s something so bizarrely smug about this (even for Ms. Smug Smuggerson herself) that it’s completely and totally off-putting.  But what bothers me most about it, and perhaps what is most alarming, is that this feels like subconscious stuff on the part of the writer.  Elizabeth reassures herself that you don’t have to be a size-six to be happy and have a good life.

This is meant for the reader’s benefit, I guess, because Elizabeth is a “perfect size six” and it is mentioned in every single book before the reader is even 10 pages in.  So, we get this awful mixed message that says: love your body! Size doesn’t matter (but it’s better if you’re thin!).  If size truly didn’t matter here or anywhere, it would not be mentioned in every single book.

 

 

SVH #46: Decisions

Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks

Summary/Overview:

Robin Wilson has been accepted early decision to Sarah Lawrence.  The book goes on and on about how she has to have the perfect grades to get into college a year early, and I want to throw the book against the wall, because “early decision” does not mean that you decide to go to college a year early.  It means that you apply early in your senior year and you are locking yourself into attending that school if you get in.  OKAY?  At any rate, Robin’s aunt has pushed her into going to Sarah Lawrence, because she’s an alumna and will pay for Robin to go.  Robin’s mom also pushes her to go there, because it’s a full ride.  Robin isn’t sure if she wants to go.  She waffles about this without actually weighing the pros and cons for the entire book.

Things go from bad to worse when her boyfriend George Warren blows up at her about even thinking about going to college across the country.  Robin hadn’t told him, so she assumes that her best friend Annie Whitman did, and the two have a fight.  Robin feels terrible, and it’s affecting her diving abilities, which is bad, because there’s a huge competition coming up.  To add serious insult to injury, Robin’s aunt Fiona comes into town and freaks out when Robin says she isn’t sure about Sarah Lawrence.  She also disparages diving as a sport and acts like a total snob.  She tells Robin that if she doesn’t go to SL, she’ll never see another penny from her.

Robin’s not doing well during the warm-ups at the diving competition because she’s so depressed.  When she sees George pull her family into the bleachers, she feels a swell of confidence and totally rocks the diving competition.  Afterward, Robin and Annie make up, George and Robin make up, and Robin and her aunt make up.  Fiona tells her she’ll pay for college wherever she wants to go.

The B-Plot has to do with Jessica getting a babysitting job for the Kane family.  She ends up falling for Alex Kane, the little girl’s older brother.  Alex is a serious musician trying to work on his senior composition, and when Jessica can’t seem to get his attention, she decides to become a musical prodigy…using a plastic recorder.  The problem is, Jessica’s terrible.  She can’t get it to work right, and nothing seems to catch Alex’s attention.  When she fakes a fainting spell, he’s concerned, and then he starts to tell her that once he’s done with grad school, maybe they could date, she decides she’s no longer interested and that’s the end of that.

Also, Liz discovers that she’s really good at the recorder, but she doesn’t want to step on Jessica’s toes, so she angsts about whether or not she can take it up as a hobby.  Jessica doesn’t care though, so Liz decides to pursue it.

Memorable Quotes:

• “‘Don’t worry,’ Robin said.  ‘Every time I go to diving practice and see myself in a bathing suit, I say, “Don’t eat–don’t eat.” So far it’s worked.'” (10-11)
• “Obviously the way to this man’s heart was through music, she reasoned.  So it was equally obvious that although she had no ear for music, sang off-key, and had never wanted to learn to play an instrument, Jessica had to become a serious musician.  It was as simple as that.” (19)
• “Sometimes she felt like living with her impetuous twin was like being part of a soap opera!” (28) [Did they just break the fourth wall?]

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Robin has two little brothers: Troy (8th grade) and Adam (9th grade)
• Aunt Fiona carries Gucci luggage and favors chunky jewelry with semiprecious stones

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

There are so many things wrong with this story that I feel overwhelmed every time I try to begin to analyze it.  Let’s start with the issue of Robin herself: her weight is still mentioned constantly, she lets people walk all over her, and she can’t seem to make up her mind about anything.  Is this the strong-minded girl who turned down PBA after they decided to take her once she was skinny?  I mean, she’s always been weird about her weight, but since when does she let George yell at her and make her feel like shit?  Ugh.

Also, the issue of Aunt Fiona: the woman is a caricature of what an overbearing adult is supposed to be.  The woman is like every bad stereotype pop culture has ever had of a wealthy, privileged woman who tries to enforce her own ideas about life onto other people.  She uses her money as a weapon and maintains her power by making everyone else around her feel stupid, small, and uncultured.  This is Sweet Valley, so we know that she’s going to have a change of heart by the end of the book, but she’s so obnoxious that the ending isn’t cathartic so much as disappointing.  I wanted Robin to push her into the pool or something.

SVH #20: Crash Landing!

“‘Hamburgers are gauche,’ Jessica told him.  What I like is called haute cuisine.  You guys probably don’t know what that means.'”

Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks

Summary/Overview:

George Warren promised to take his girlfriend Enid Rollins up in a plane after he got his pilot’s license.  He vowed to himself to stay to true to this promise even after he fell in love with (formerly fat) Robin Wilson, a classmate of Enid’s who was in the same flying class (Can 16-year-olds get a pilot’s license?  I smell a plot hole here.) as him.  Ever so dutifully, George takes Enid up and sighs a lot, feeling sorry for himself, as Enid talks about how beautiful Secca Lake looks from their height.  It’s probably not as beautiful to Enid after they crash into it.  Enid saves George, who’s unconscious, and on her way back out, she slips and hits her back hard on some metal from the sinking plane.  She can’t feel her legs!

The doctors pronounce Enid paralyzed as a result of a compressed nerve in her back.  They are hopeful that with surgery and physical therapy, she’ll get better.  Everyone is very worried about her, but Elizabeth and George both try to put on brave faces.  Meanwhile, Elizabeth is furious with George because he’s really in love with Robin.  She acts like a complete bitch to him, even though he’s blaming himself for the accident and decides that as long as Enid needs him, he can’t leave her.

But Enid is convinced that she can’t get better, and plays the victim card in the most annoyingly sincere way.  Even after her surgery, when the doctors say that everything is fine and she should be able to walk, Enid remains in her wheelchair.  George stays by her side, completely miserable, and Robin Wilson eats her feelings, also completely miserable.  Enid has George take her to the school dance in her wheel chair, and everyone at SVH is completely scandalized by this.  It’s baffling.

Things between Enid and George are strained, and the more things fall apart, the more Enid clings to her paralysis.  When she sees George dance with Robin after she forces him to do so, she realizes that George is in love with Robin and not her.  Instead of being rational about it, Enid pretends that nothing’s wrong and essentially acts like a pod person on wheels.  Elizabeth is sure that Enid has some sort of mental block about walking, and she devises a plan to get Enid to walk again.  She borrows Mr. Collin’s kid, Teddy, and gets him to pretend to drown in her pool while Liz is inside getting sodas.  Enid dives in to save Teddy without thinking, and then the three of them cheer because she’s cured!

George and Enid break up and vow to remain friends.  George goes back to Robin, who can stop eating her feelings now, and all is right in the world.  Enid can walk again.  George and Robin can be seen in public.  Hooray.

The B-Plot involves Lila and Jessica taking a cooking class.  Jessica’s reluctant until she sees the teacher a hot French guy with whom she immediately falls in love with.  It turns out that Jessica has a knack for cooking and ends up really enjoying the class.  She gets an idea into her head that she’ll ask Jean-Pierre to the dance until she’s introduced to his wife, and her romantic aspirations are dashed.

However, she can still use what she’s learned in the cooking class to cook her family a fabulous dinner.  Too bad that the seafood she makes them is bad, and everyone gets sick.  The Wakefields are total douche bags about this, and go on and on at length about how terrible it was of her to poison them, like she did it on purpose.  When she offers to make it up to Ned and Alice by cooking them a fantastic meal for their anniversary, they tell her that Liz has already bought them tickets to the dinner theater and remind her of the disaster the last meal was.  Jessica gets pretty upset (and rightfully so) and thinks about how unfair it is that they’re always comparing her to Liz.

Memorable Quotes:

• “Usually Jessica didn’t think twice about stealing a boy from someone else, but she didn’t want Lila to think that she was so hard up for guys she had to get them secondhand.” (27-28)
• “Jessica’s sympathy for Enid Rollins was a recent development.  Before the plane crash Jessica had had several conversations with her sister about the choice of her friends, and Enid got most of the criticism…Now Sweet Valley High was buzzing with talk about Enid–everyone wondered how she was feeling, if there was any progress, any hope.  It was all terribly exciting, and naturally Jessica, as the twin sister of Enid’s very best friend, was at the center of all the speculation.” (39-40)
• “‘How inappropriate,’ Lila said coldly.  ‘Who’d ever dream of showing up at a dance in a wheelchair?  What does she think she’s going to do all night?'” (100)

Trivia/Fun Facts:

• Apparently Psycho Jack from the last book has a last name.  It’s Howard.
• The twins’ impending summer jobs as tour guides is brought up again in this book (the previous time it was mentioned was way back in #5), and it’s used as a ploy to get the Wakefield parents to give them the Fiat as their own car from now on.
• One of the Wakefield Family’s hard-and-fast rules is that no one leaves the kitchen a mess.
• In Jessica’s cooking class, some of the dishes they make are puff pastry, mustard, raspberry torte, and chicken cordon bleu, which seems like a weird mish-mash.

(Totally Unqualified) Critical Analysis:

Hoo boy, guys.  I don’t even know where to start with this one.  I read this book a few weeks ago, and the details have started to fade for me.  What is with these books and mysterious medical conditions?  I mean, Enid gets paralyzed from a bad fall on her back, but a quick surgery repairs it and she should be able to walk but can’t because she has a mental block?  Who comes up with this stuff?

For pretty healthy teenagers, they sure do seem to spend a lot of time in Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital.  That’s all I’m saying.