SVH #44: Pretenses (Revisited)

Jessica frowned. Abbie, a sweet-tempered brunette who had never spent much time with Jessica or any of her friends since ninth grade, suddenly seemed to be everywhere.

Why is Steven in a full on suit here?

Details: Originally published in February 1988 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Steven Wakefield is coming home for a few weeks to get extensive allergy tests done. The fact that it appears to be the middle of a semester doesn’t seem to matter, nor does the fact that he could absolutely commute for his doctor’s appointments – this book is not concerned with logic, only with incredibly stupid plot points. Cara is excited that he’ll be home; lately she’s felt as though they aren’t as close as they once were. Jessica gloms onto this insecurity and tells Cara that she needs to inject some mystery into their relationship. In all honesty, the only mystery I have (and want) in my own relationship is the mystery of why my husband takes so long in the bathroom, but this book seems to mean something different.

Cara is also throwing herself a birthday party months after her birthday because she feels like she didn’t get it right the first time, so she invites a bunch of her friends and Steven to have a fancy lunch at a restaurant. She’s excited about it and talks about it in front of Abbie Richardson, who she then doesn’t invite. Abbie feels really sad when she realizes she was snubbed, and when she gives Cara the present she bought her, Cara is mortified, as she honestly should be.

Meanwhile, Cara grows frustrated by the fact that Steve is still acting snappish, withdrawn, and generally avoidant. Abbie has been spending a lot of time at the Wakefield’s house (more on that in the B-plot), and Steven finds that Abbie is a sympathetic listener. Jessica sees this and convinces herself that Abbie’s trying to “steal” Cara’s man, and this plot is stretched to the limits of credulity when Jessica convinces herself that it’s true because she sees Steve reading a letter on pink stationery and goes to the mall to interrogate a cashier about who they sold pink stationary to. Despite the cashier absolutely not remembering, Jessica is sure it’s Abbie.

The real reason that Steven’s been upset is not only that he’s legitimately suffering from allergies, but also because he’s started receiving anonymous love letters on the same stationery that Tricia Martin had used before she died. When Jessica and Elizabeth tell him that they think it’s Abbie, they all confront her. It isn’t her, and she cries about the fact that they could ever think she’d do a thing. Then they discover that it’s been Cara sending the letters, trying to add an air of mystery to their relationship (how, I’m still unsure), and then they all go to Abbie’s to apologize for her. Steven and Cara make up.

The B-Plot: The Oracle has seen its readership dip lately, and they decide to drum up interest by running a contest for a comedy column. Amy Sutton applies with a Miss Manners type of feature, and Abbie submits a comic about a girl named Jenny that is apparently very funny. Abbie ends up winning with the help of Elizabeth, and she’s thrilled to join the staff.

Jessica giggled. “Maybe you’re allergic to college. You come home often enough.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– Cara’s fake birthday party
– Comedy contest for The Oracle

Trivia:
– Steven’s college is 45 minutes away in this one. So it’s moved closer.
– Cara holds her fake birthday party at the Marine House
– Abbie’s middle name is Bain
– Steven is found to be allergic to mold, dust, grass, and a bunch of other things

Pop Culture:
– David Letterman
– Johnny Carson
– Miss Manners
– The Lakers and the Celtics

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
I mean, no? The stakes here are as low as ever, the way that poor Abbie Richardson is shoe-horned into the world of Sweet Valley despite never having been mentioned before is deeply weird, and she’s honestly too good for all of these goobers. She does really nice things for basically everyone here, and everyone is so quick to turn on her. It sucks.

That said, there’s this wild moment in the stationery store (the Pen and Paper Store – the writers have really given up on naming things) where the clerk says that the purchaser might have been a girl with brown hair, and Jessica is like, “It was absolutely Abbie” and it’s honestly the most unhinged jump to a conclusion I’ve ever seen? Like the way that Jessica did the mental gymnastics to get to there was incredible, and I had the thought that if Jessica were a real person alive today, she’d absolutely be deep into the Q Anon rabbit hole. What a time to be alive!

SVH #38: Leaving Home (Revisited)

“Gag,” Jessica said, getting up to look in the cupboards. “No wonder this girl didn’t make it to maturity. She sounds like she was more of a saint than a human being.”

The original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in July 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages

Summary/Overview: Elizabeth decides she wants to go to school in Switzerland. There’s a boarding school there called the Interlochen School (not the one in Michigan, I guess), and it has a strong focus on writing and literature. Luckily, there’s also a scholarship for teenage girls between the ages of 15-17 who live in California, and so Liz decides to apply. The application process is pretty rigorous, including letters of recommendation, writing samples, and two different character interviews, including one with the applicant’s family (weird).

To say that her friends and family are jazzed about this entire thing would be an overstatement. While Jeffrey and Enid decide to be supportive, Jessica and Steven decide to actively try to sabotage the application. Jeffrey and Enid work on a scrapbook, devoting so much time to it that Liz thinks they’re secretly hooking up behind her back. Meanwhile, Jess and Steven act like fools during the family interview and Jess does a #twinswitch and pretends to be Liz at school, even going so far as to hit on the interviewer in a scene that has not aged well at all!

Liz finds out what her siblings have been doing and has an absolute meltdown about it. While she’s in the middle of screaming at them, the interviewer shows up at her house (???) and offers her the scholarship, telling her that they came clean about their scheme. Jeffrey and Enid show up with the scrapbook and Liz realizes that the magic of Sweet Valley is better magic than the magic of Switzerland, or something, and decides to stay, turning down the scholarship. Okay!

The B-Plot: Winston buys a lottery ticket and decides to throw a “Get Rich Quick” party because he’s certain he’s going to win. Then he accidentally switches jackets with a poor old man at the convenience store and ends up with that man’s lottery ticket – and it’s the winner! He goes back and forth about what to do before finally returning the winning ticket to its rightful owner, and everyone calls him a hero. I’m so bored.

“Dad!” Elizabeth shrieked. “He’ll think we have a broken family or something.”

The German cover, translated to “Jessica and her Thousand Tricks”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 1-2 weeks
– Get Rich Quick party at Winston’s
– Beach Disco
– Scholarship application process for Liz

Trivia:
– More brand-name madness: Diet Coke and Oreos are mentioned
– The Droids have a “hit” song called “Something Sure”
– According to this one, Steve’s school is an hour away?
– Jeffrey’s birthday is July 12

Pop Culture:
– Star Trek

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)
This is not one of the better Sweet Valley High novels. I don’t think that any reader of this series thought for a second that Elizabeth was actually going to move to Switzerland, so the stakes feel pretty low throughout the book. I’m not crazy about a book that goes heavy on an Enid subplot, either. And the way that Jessica and Steven act throughout this book doesn’t just strain credulity, it actively annoys. The whole thing is a boring bummer.

This one sucks and was boring.

SVH #36: Last Chance (Revisited)

Peter stared at her, then turned back to the road. “Yes,” he said. “Or her choice.” He was quiet for a minute. “You don’t seem like the sort,” he added strangely…”You know, the sort who cares about using ‘his’ instead of ‘hers.’ That sort of thing.”

Girl, RUN.

Original cover, circa 1987

Details: Originally published in April 1987 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 136 pages. There’s an ad in the back of my copy for a new book series called All that Glitters, about the behind the scenes on a soap opera.

Summary/Overview:

Johanna Porter, sister to Julie, has decided to return to school after dropping out shortly before her mom’s death. Everyone at Sweet Valley is all atwitter with the news of her return, and she is nervous to be back and embarrassed to be starting as a junior when her classmates are all seniors. She struggles with her classes at first, enlisting the help of Liz when it comes to English. She soon finds her stride when it comes to math and science, though, and it isn’t long before she bumps into her longtime crush, Peter DeHaven. When he asks her to come with him to Las Palmas Canyon, she says yes, ignoring the fact that he’s been dating Amy Sutton, and turning a blind eye to the fact that he might have only asked her because Amy has gone out of town. They kiss, and she is certain he’ll dump Amy when she returns.

Of course, he does not do this. Instead, he basically ignores Johanna at school until she confronts him. He tells her that he has to break up with Amy gradually, and she believes this, even though he makes no indication of actually making strides to do this. She confides in both her sister and in Liz, who both express a little concern about the fact that he’s definitely still dating Amy. Liz immediately tells Jessica, who promises not to tell Amy but then does when Amy does something to annoy her. Amy freaks out on Peter, who swears it’s untrue. He breaks up with Johanna via a note in her locker, and she contemplates quitting school again.

Amy throws a pre-dance party before the big PTA dance, but everyone is mad at everyone else. When Amy insults Johanna at the party and Peter says nothing, Liz gives him the business, calling out his shitty behavior. He acts chagrined and thinks about apologizing to Johanna. When he tries one of her suggestions on his computer program for an upcoming science contest, he’s shocked when it works and it wins him the competition. When he goes to ask Johanna to celebrate with him, he’s surprised to find that Johanna has found some self esteem. Her epiphany included the realization that she should go back to school for herself. She excels at school.

The B-Plot: Jessica has decided that Cara and Steven have been going steady for too long and decides to spice things up by breaking them up. She drops hints that they might both be seeing other people and causes a fight between the two of them. They take separate dates to the dance (unclear why Steven is at a high school dance, as usual) and then realize they’ve been played and get back together. I am bored.

Amy shuddered. “How could you? Couldn’t you at least do a little better than Johanna Porter? The girl can barely spell her own name!”

The German cover, translates as “The Love Story of the Year?” which feels…ambitious

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 3 weeks
– PTA dance
– Party at Amy Sutton’s
– Southern California Science Fair

Trivia:
– Peter has been admitted early decision to MIT
– The Porter sisters have musician parents: a (dead) opera singer mother and a symphony violinist father
– Cara takes Ken Matthews to the dance while Steven attends with Eve

Pop Culture:
– Robert Redford
– Vogue
– NOVA

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

A bit of inside-baseball as it relates to this here blog, before we get into the “analysis”: I was so far ahead in my Sweet Valley reading that I had posts scheduled for all of May, and so I took a little break that ended up being a month-long break, and now I’m scrambling to keep up with my twice-a-week posting schedule. This is, of course, in addition to having a full time job, doing household stuff, and reading books other than Sweet Valley. I’m hopeful that I can keep up the pace, but we’ll see.

That said: I read this in one sitting, because I knew that if I didn’t, I would never get through this book. I remembered exactly nothing about this one before picking it up this time, and upon finishing it, I can see why: it’s another case of an incredibly boring plot being coupled with characters that we absolutely do not care about, nor will we invest in!

First things first: dump! this! man! This is literally just a man, ladies! Y’all are fighting over a bag of garbage and don’t even know it! There’s nothing appealing about Peter, and even when the book takes a weird turn and gives us Peter’s perspective for a weird little detour, he basically thinks “I probably should ask Johanna some questions about her interests” and then goes back to whatever he was doing. That doesn’t count, buddy!

Can someone explain to me how Johanna’s decision to stay in school got tied to the absolute mansplaining nightmare that is Peter DeHaven? I get that this is supposed to be an after-school special about the dangers of high school dropouts, but Johanna’s low self-esteem seemed to be tied to so many things other than Peter. I also kept scratching my head about how she went on and on about her family only caring about music and not about her interest in STEM, when research has shown forever that the two subjects are tied together and talent in one often leads to success in the other. The entire thing was very yikes?

Also, Amy Sutton is the absolute worst. There’s no nuance here. While Jessica often acts like a complete sociopath, she does have moments where she seems human. There isn’t anything about Amy that makes me feel the same way.

SVH Super Edition #2: Special Christmas (Revisited)

“They’ve flipped,” Jessica said stonily. “They’ve gone completely nuts. No decent parents in their right mind would inflict this kind of torture on their children. It’s – it’s inhumane!” she concluded lamely, her aqua eyes filling with tears.

The original (iconic) cover, circa 1985

Details: Originally published in November 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 233 pages.

Summary/Overview: It’s Christmastime in Sweet Valley, and Jessica and Elizabeth are looking forward to a (perplexingly) long winter break. There’s a lot happening over the next few weeks: a school-wide secret santa event that culminates in a Christmas dance at the Patman mansion, the Miss Christmastime pageant and subsequent Christmas parade, and of course the actual reason for the season: Christmas. Jessica is looking forward to being crowned Miss Christmastime, Elizabeth is looking forward to reuniting with Todd, who will be visiting from Vermont, and the twins are convinced that it will be the best Christmas ever.

When Ned and Alice break the news that Suzanne Devlin is returning to visit for two weeks, the twins are horrified. No amount of complaining to their parents seems to work: Suzanne has turned over a new leaf and wants an opportunity to apologize in person. Steven, Jessica and Liz decide to be her “secret Santas” and play a few tricks on her, though Liz has some reservations from the jump. It starts with things like Jessica short-sheeting her bed (Suzanne is staying in Jessica’s room) and hiding clothes and then asking with all the subtlety of an anvil if anyone has seen them.

The thing is, Suzanne does seem different. She’s lost a lot of weight and is pale and seems much frailer and gentler than she did before. Steven is the first to drop out of the scheming, and Liz soon follows suit. Liz wrestles a great deal with whether or not Suzanne is being real this time, but thinks she might be. She’s confused when Jessica tells her that she’s seen Suzanne taking lots of pills and concerned when Suzanne seems to get a lot of dizzy spells, but she’s also completely distracted by the return of Todd. She’s unsure where they stand, and is frustrated when they can’t seem to get any time alone to try to figure it out. She’s also confused about the fact that Todd is acting very strangely around Suzanne.

Todd has good reason to: a few weeks before his trip out to Sweet Valley, he ran into Suzanne in Killington, Vermont while skiing, and the two spent a weekend together where they really connected. While nothing romantic happened, he felt a spark between them and panics when he sees Suzanne in Sweet Valley. He asks her not to say anything about Vermont, and she goes along with it. The problem is that Jessica overhears half of one of their conversations and becomes convinced that Suzanne is trying to “steal” Liz’s “boyfriend,” even though Todd is not Liz’s boyfriend and you can’t steal a person who is willing.

To teach her a lesson, Jessica enlists the help of Aaron Dallas, who has his own axe to grind with her. When she asks if she can take Aaron out for a friendly lunch to apologize, he instead invites her to accompany him to his cousin’s cocktail party before the big Christmas dance. Jessica’s plan involves him not being able to pick her up at the last minute, and basically has Suzanne driving out to an old abandoned house to…humiliate her?

The night of the big Christmas dance (and the Secret Santa reveal), the teens gather at the Wakefields to have a glass of champagne. Suzanne takes her new meds and then slams her glass of champagne. When Aaron calls and asks her to meet him at the party, she borrows the Fiat, but the mixture of the meds and alcohol make her pass out and she flips the car. Police take her to the hospital, and while it seems like a very serious situation, she ends up okay! She makes up with the Wakefield kids, Liz gives her blessing for Todd to pursue Suzanne, and then a Christmas miracle happens: Suzanne’s (mysterious) diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis was wrong: she really had a (mysterious) virus and had a (rare) reaction to it. She will be fine!

“Gossip and Kisses in Sweet Valley” in German

The B-Plot: This barely counts, but Jessica is determined to beat out Lila for Miss Christmastime. When Cara calls and asks her to fill in as an elf helping Santa at the mall, she assures Jess that she’ll be off in time to make it to the pageant. But Jessica’s shift lasts all day and she misses the event, which means that Lila’s crowned Miss Christmastime. Santa offers Jess the opportunity to ride on his float in the parade, but Jessica decides that revenge is the way to go: she swaps Lila’s dress and crown on the day of for her elf costume. Jessica is Miss Christmastime and Lila is an elf. Owned!

Because the new Todd, she thought uneasily, never told her why he was being so strange around Suzanne. And the old Todd never would have acted that way at all, even if he had been provoked!

Sweet Valley Social Calendar
Estimated Elapsed Time: 9-10 days
– Secret Santa Week
– Christmas Dance
– Miss Christmastime Pageant
– Christmas Parade
– Handel’s Messiah

Trivia:
– Secret Santa tidbits: Liz draws Aaron, Jessica draws Bruce, Hans draws Lila, Bill Chase gets Olivia, and Winston has Jessica
– School lets out 10 days before Christmas!
– Aaron Dallas is now (??) dating Patsy Webber
– Todd’s new school is Lawrence High
– Lila goes to a spa that costs $300 a day
– The Droids wrote a song for Todd and Liz called “I’ll Wait for You”

Pop Culture:
– The Abominable Snowman
– The Grinch
– Fur Elise by Beehtoven
– Jolly Green Giant
– Sleeping Beauty
– Florence Nightingale
– Vogue
– Architectural Digest

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis):
With the introduction of the Super Editions, we really lose all sense of time and place. Todd moved away in spring, but it is now winter and they are all still sixteen and still in their junior year. Make it make sense!

I’ll be honest: I love me a Christmas-themed story, and this one is just as bonkers and fun as I remember. I absolutely love the fact that the book dispenses with trying to be realistic about Suzanne’s illness from the jump and just leans into the drama. I have friends who have MS – there is not a moment in this book where the portrayal of the disease feels remotely realistic, and the twist on the literal final pages is honestly WILD. But it doesn’t matter! It’s all about the drama, and the drama delivers.

This one is so fun! No notes!

SVH #23: Say Goodbye (Revisited)

Elizabeth Wakefield, she thought, her eyes sparkling with determination, I’m not going to let you shrivel up or pine away. Nicholas and I are going to save you from everlasting sorrow!

The original US cover

Details: Originally published September 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: Todd’s father’s job has transferred him to the office in Burlington, Vermont, and it means that Todd and his entire family (unclear if this includes a sister/brother or not) is moving ASAP. Liz is horrified, and she and Todd decide that they will remain committed to one another and continue being exclusive while also being long distance. This is pre-internet, kiddos, so that means long-distance phone calls and writing letters and sending them in the MAIL.

Everyone expresses concern about this plausibility of this plan, but the two are resolute that it can work. Todd moves away, and immediately things begin to fall apart for them, helped in large part by Jessica, who has decided Elizabeth should stop going steady with Todd (boring) and should instead start going steady with Nicholas Morrow (rich). She does everything in her power to set the two up, including getting Nicholas to escort her to the sail boat regatta he’s competing in (a totally normal event).

Liz feels torn, because she likes Nicholas but wants to remain true to Todd. When Todd stops taking her calls (because Jessica cried to him that Liz is losing out on life or whatever), she starts dating him, and even though she feels like Nicholas is like a brother to her, she makes out with him and likes it. She goes with Nicholas to a party that Lila throws and is surprised to find that Todd has made a surprise return visit. He runs away when he sees them together, and Liz cries to Nicholas about how she still loves Todd. She finds Todd and the two realize that they have to open up their relationship but remain in love.

The B-Plot: When Jessica spends too much money on the Wakefield charge account at Lisette’s, Ned insists that she get a job. She gets a job as a receptionist at a place called Perfect Match Computer Dating Service, where she immediately tries to set Steven up with eligible women. The problem is all the women are, like, in their forties and also that Steven has not consented to being set up, so he keeps getting calls from random older women and doesn’t know why. When he finds out, he yells at Jessica a bunch.

In the midst of all this, he helps Cara fix a flat tire and finds that she seems to have grown up a bit. This is due to the fact that her parents are going through a nasty divorce, and Steven is…into it. He asks her to be his date to Lila’s party, but when Betsy Martin shows up and freaks out, he freaks out and fully abandons Cara. Cool!

The German cover. Translate tells me it means “Taking Leave”

He reminded Jessica of a librarian…Jeffrey struck her as a poor relation. He wanted to be an archeologist, which had seemed interesting at first. But the more he talked about it, the dustier it began to sound.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 4 weeks
– Party at the Beach Disco
– Sail boat regatta at Sweet Valley Boat Club
– Party at the Morrow’s mansion
– Party at Lila’s

Trivia:
– The Wakefields have an account at Lisette’s, because Jessica manages to charge $87.95 there
– Mention of Bruce Patman’s iconic 1BRUCE1 license plate
– Jessica’s paychecks from the dating agency are pink

Pop Culture:
– Glamour Magazine
– James Bond
– National Enquirer

The Swedish cover. Translate tells me “Take Time to Say Goodbye” so same vibes!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):
I mean, Jessica’s completely inappropriate attempts to set Steven up with women who are two decades older than him, without his consent, absolutely do not hold up! I also couldn’t get over how stupid Jessica seemed in this one? Like, it wasn’t even a good scheme, and she has had some great ones. This one didn’t make any sense, and I did not buy that she’d set up her “gorgeous” (her words!) brother with randos whose pictures she didn’t even have access to. This part has not aged well.

But the rest of it holds up as well as can be expected, honestly! I do still think that Todd and Elizabeth’s absolute denial about the fact that things will change for their relationship when they’re on opposite sides of the country from one another is realistic? Yes! I think when you’re sixteen and in love and are faced with something like this (a trauma in some ways), you dig in your heels and resist the change. Do I think that Elizabeth starting to date Nicholas Morrow as a way to forget Todd still feels a little weird? Also yes, though it’s certainly a human reaction. I wish that Nicholas was a more interesting character (but that’s true of 99% of the folks in these books), because then he’d be a more worthy adversary to Todd.

Am I still confused by what Todd and Elizabeth actually plan to do going forward? YES!

SVH #22: Too Much in Love (Revisited)

“I’m always objective,” Jessica said. “Can I help it if DeeDee’s a total weirdo?”

DeeDee looks like a 40 year old divorcee

Details: Originally published by Bantam Books in August 1985. Paperback, 153 pages.

Summary/Overview: DeeDee Gordon and Bill Chase have been going steady for a while, and it seems as though DeeDee has thrown herself into the relationship a bit too much. She’s stopped attending design classes that she loved and obsesses over the next time she’ll get to see Bill. When Liz asks DeeDee to help with the sets for the upcoming school talent show, she first says no, afraid it will take her away from Bill, who has become busy with a history project and the swim team. When her best friend Patty Gilbert really pushes her to do it, DeeDee agrees, but her heart’s not in it.

When DeeDee finds out that Bill went to a matinee with Dana Larson, his friend, she flies off the handle. Bill tells DeeDee that they need to take a break, that he’s worried she’s lost herself in the relationship. DeeDee is despondent, and clings to Liz for help with every decision related to the talent show sets. Liz and Patty plot to get DeeDee feeling confident again: Liz feigns laryngitis and asks DeeDee to fill in as the director/organizer. DeeDee is horrified at first but finds a groove and herself in the process.

The talent show is a success, and Bill comes back to DeeDee. They make up.

The B-Plot: Ned and Alice decide to take a trip to Mexico and leave the twins home alone. Jessica immediately breaks the washing machine by overloading it and starts a small grease fire in the kitchen. But when she and Lila decide to throw a party and invite Lila’s frat boy boyfriend and his friends, things go really off the rails. The party spins out control and Alice’s favorite crystal vase is smashed, and the design plans she’s been working on are destroyed by spilled beer. Steven shows up in time to keep the police from arresting anyone, but they’re unsure what to do about the designs. Jessica begs DeeDee to help redo the plans, and she saves the day in the nick of time.

The German Cover – “This Girl is Killing Me” (this is the literal translation I swear!)

DeeDee shook her head. “In this case, I think the end really does justify the means,” she said slowly. “You had to take an extreme measure because I was really a mess. I needed to be jolted back to reality. And all I can do is thank you.”

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– SVH Talent Show
– Party at Jessica and Elizabeth’s
– Swim meet (Bill wins)

Trivia:
– Talent show acts: Patty Gilbert does a modern dance (using music from West Side Story), Winston and Ken do a magic act, Todd wants to do stand-up but reads a poem (he doesn’t even memorize it)
– Bill is helping Mr. Fellows, the history teacher, with a special project about the Civil War
– Lila is still dating Drake Howard, a college guy

Pop Culture:
– The Bronte Sisters
– Romeo & Juliet
– My Little Chickadee/W.C. Fields
– Hitchcock/The Birds/Psycho
– Philadelphia Story/James Cagney/Katharine Hepburn
– Truffault
– Duck Soup/The Marx Brothers
– West Side Story

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis)
Oh, woof. This is a case of weak characterization meeting a plot that feels incredibly low-stakes. The result is a pretty boring slog (I flew through this in one sitting because I was afraid if I didn’t get it done I’d never want to pick it back up). The books about DeeDee and Bill are boring! I will not be taking questions at this time!

The problem is really in the book’s characterization, I think. We’re told that DeeDee has always been independent, but we don’t have much evidence of that (she did almost drown that one time because she was trying to learn to surf by herself). We’re given a lot more information about DeeDee’s increasing reliance on Bill for everything, and the book does its best to rationalize this by letting us know that DeeDee’s mother has said her marriage ended because she stopped making time for her husband and that DeeDee’s design teacher also shared something similar about her own marriage (a wildly inappropriate overshare in my opinion), and that these things have made DeeDee panic about her own relationship. But like, DeeDee is sixteen, and would she really be this worried about losing her boyfriend, especially when he’s made it clear he’s super into her (he’s just busy with extra-curriculars)?

I don’t know! What I do know is that DeeDee doesn’t need a project; she needs THERAPY! I cannot tell you how many times I yelled, “Liz, DeeDee doesn’t need to paint sets, she needs to see a therapist!” while reading this. There’s definitely some weird daddy issues here, and there’s also some wild self-esteem issues at play, and while I’m glad that DeeDee rediscovered her love for design, I don’t think distracting herself with a project is going to ultimately fix what might need mending here.

SVH #17: Love Letters (Revisited)

“But he is a guy,” Cara reasoned. “And sometimes I feel I can’t be that choosy.”

The original cover. I’m kind of into Caroline’s hair?

Details: Originally published in March 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages

Summary: Caroline Pearce is the school’s gossip, but she doesn’t meant to be. She doesn’t know how to connect with her peers, so she asks a lot of personal questions and then tells other people what she knows about other people, and people treat her like a lecherous gossip. When she starts sharing the letters she’s getting from a boy named Adam who lives about two hours away in Cold Springs, people start to show what she thinks is a genuine interest in her. Adam’s letters are incredibly romantic – but there’s a problem: Adam isn’t real! Caroline has been writing the letters to herself, leaning heavily on the work of Robert Browning to pad the letters. Then people start asking when they’re going to meet Adam, and Caroline panics – especially when Lila announces that she’ll host a party in Adam’s honor.

She comes clean to Elizabeth about the entire thing. Elizabeth already knows that Adam wasn’t the writer of the letters, because she’s been working on a play about Elizabeth Barrett Browning (conveniently) and had put two-and-two together. But she’s surprised to learn that Caroline made him up completely. Elizabeth determines that Caroline is serious about changing her gossipy ways, and enlists the help of Todd to come to Caroline’s rescue.

The night of the party, Caroline prepares to announce to her entire class that she made the whole thing up when a boy she’s never seen crosses over to her and kisses her in front of everyone. He tells her that Todd has asked him to play the part of Adam for the night. Caroline has a great time with him but still feels guilt about lying, and so she comes clean to everyone. Adam, whose real name is Jerry, tells her that he’s impressed with her bravery and would like to write letters to her. Cool?

The B-Plot: Alice Wakefield has received a job offer from a firm in San Francisco, and she and Ned are seriously considering moving the family to the city as a result. The twins are HORRIFIED and both throw tantrums before deciding that they need to convince their parents that Sweet Valley is the greatest and that San Francisco sucks. They treat their parents to dinner from their favorite restaurants and get them out to Las Palmas Canyon to remind them of the natural beauty near their town. In the end, Alice defers the job offer and the Wakefields will remain in Sweet Valley.

Jessica gave her twin an injured look and shook her head. “It’s a sad fact, Daddy,” she continued. “Ken Matthews is covering urban blight. It’s amazing how tough life is in big cities.”

The Finish cover – the translation is literal this time!

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Lila throws a party
– Playwriting contest

Trivia:
– Dr. Perkins is the name of Jessica’s doctor
– Sweet Valley Centennial Celebration is mentioned

Pop Culture References:
– Vogue magazine
– Masterpiece Theater

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)
For a book that purports to be about Caroline Pearce, very little of the actual plot is devoted to her. Despite the back cover talking about Caroline’s specific set of problems, the actual content of the novel is much more focused on what is supposed to be the B-plot here: Jessica and Elizabeth convincing their parents that Sweet Valley is the only place for them and Elizabeth’s attempts to write a play about Elizabeth Barrett Browning that’s good enough to win some sort of arbitrary contest (the play honestly sounds so boring – and I love plays). So in that regard, this book holds up: even back then, the ghost writer knew that readers would not actually care about Caroline Pearce and her boring made-up boyfriend problems.

I will say that the book skirts around the most depressing part of this book: Caroline is a deeply lonely person who is desperate to connect with people. She longs for the attention of her older sister, who never seems to have time for her, and she longs to have a group of friends to belong to. Even after she comes clean and seems to learn A Valuable Lesson (TM) about gossip, it seems as though she’s pretty lonely and still doesn’t have any real friends. Depressing!

ALSO: everyone in this book is an absolute asshole about the fact that Caroline is a gossip, when gossiping is literally all that Jessica, Lila, and Cara do when they’re together. Jessica has spent the past 16 books gossiping about others and creating outright fictions about them, and yet somehow the person that everyone has a problem with is Caroline? Is it because she’s a redhead?

SVH #15: Promises (Revisited)

“Everyone feels so sorry for her. It’s ‘Poor Betsy, no one to take care of her,’ ‘Poor Betsy, she’s had it so rough.’ But what about poor me?’ Jessica stuck her lower lip out in a well-practiced pout. “Can you imagine what people are going to think when they find out who’s practically become my second sister?”

The original cover, circa 1985

Details: Originally published in January 1985 by Bantam Books. Paperback, 150 pages.

Summary/Overview: Tricia dies, and before she goes (beautifully, gracefully), she has Steven promise that he’ll take care of her messy sister, Betsy. He takes this to heart, especially when Ned and Alice have Betsy come stay with them for a few days when Betsy’s father goes completely AWOL. Steven and Betsy spend a lot of time together, trauma bonding, and people start to gossip about them.

Even though Betsy has sworn that she’s turned over a new leaf and has given up drinking and drugging and sleeping around, Jessica is horrified that her family is so closely associated with the “trashy” Martins. She tries to come up with a way to get rid of Betsy, going so far as to search her stuff for paraphernalia, but she can’t find anything, though she’s horrified to find out that Betsy is a great artist and has a gorgeous drawing of Steven.

Steven and Elizabeth encourage Betsy to pursue art. She takes a community art class taught by Steven’s friend Jason Stone, who asks her out. She freaks out on him, convinced that he’s only interested in one thing. When Jessica accidentally-on-purpose lets it slip that Steven’s only being caring for Betsy because of a promise he made Tricia, she flips out and runs off to Kelly’s Bar, where she takes up with her usual unsavory male friends. Steven and Jason rush to save her; a scuffle ensues. She comes to her senses, especially when she finds out that Elizabeth submitted her art to a contest and she won, and also got into art school? The whole timeline is convoluted here. The Wakefields throw a barbecue party for her. All is well.

The B-Plot: Roger Barrett’s mother has a heart attack and ends up in a coma. Apparently the only place that might be able to treat her is a hospital in Texas, but since his family is broke no one knows how he might arrange the finances to get her there. But then Bruce Patman’s father pays for her surgery, and everyone wonders why. They don’t wonder for long: Roger’s real father is the dead (billionaire?) brother of Bruce’s father, who died in a plane crash. Neat! Roger’s mother dies. Bummer! Roger goes to live with the Patmans.

The slightly updated cover (justice for Betsy’s terrible hair)

“But to Betsy, no guy is nice. She’s had such bad experiences with men, from her father on down, that she doesn’t trust any of them.”

same, girl. same.

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar:
Estimated Elapsed Time: 2 weeks
– Tricia’s funeral
– Dance at the Beach Disco (Droids play)
– Winston tries to set world record for pizza-eating (televised)

Trivia:
– The first mention of the Box Tree Cafe
– One of the local television channels is KSVH

Pop Culture:
– Literally none!

Does it hold up? (A totally unqualified critical analysis):

Woof. It took me almost a week to get through this one because I was so bored by the entirety of the plot. Betsy sucks! But it’s not because she’s a “slut” or because she likes to party. It’s because she appears to have no emotional regulation. She blows up at literally everyone for no reason, and while I understand she’s been handed a raw deal (she truly has), the writing and characterization isn’t strong enough here for me to care about her damage. She needs therapy, but that is not a word that is mentioned once in this entire boring slog of a book.

But also? I just want to mention the absolute hypocrisy of Jessica throughout this book. She goes on and on about Betsy’s reputation, about the fact that she’s been seen around town with different dudes, that she was even rumored to be at Miller’s Point with two guys at once. But Jessica shows up at the Beach Disco with a dude on each arm (Aaron Dallas and someone else who I can’t be bothered to look up), and this is supposed to be different somehow? Is it because Jessica is blond and her family is stable? Is it because she doesn’t go to “seedy” bars? What is the difference? I honestly don’t know and it’s driving me nuts!

SVH #5: All Night Long (Revisited)

This whole thing was Elizabeth’s fault, she decided suddenly. If only Elizabeth had tried a little harder to talk her out of this, she was sure she wouldn’t be here.

Original cover, circa 1984

Details: Originally published February 1984 by Bantam books. Paperback, 144 pages.

Summary: Jessica has decided she’s ready to date a collage man, and she has her sights set on Scott Daniels, a guy with “a reputation” and a mustache. She tells her parents that he’s 18, but Elizabeth is pretty sure he’s older than that, and has a bad feeling about Jessica getting in over her head, yet again. Liz’s suspicions turn out to be true when Jessica spends a day at the beach with Scott and his friends and is horrified to find out that they planned the excursion as an overnight trip. Though she manages to avoid his pretty aggressive advances, she spends a miserable night in a cabin with him and does not get home in time to get ready for school the next morning.

Elizabeth ends up pulling off a twin switch to cover for Jessica, which includes swapping out her clothes and eating two breakfasts of pancakes. It also means that Liz has to take the tour guide test for herself and for Jessica, since Jessica doesn’t make it to school on time to take it. Because she’s so worried about the switch and because Liz and Todd have a really bad fight, she bombs the second round of the test, and when Jessica discovers that she’s failed as a result, she’s furious. This is rectified when she’s allowed to retake it. Liz and Todd also make up.

The B-Plot: There honestly isn’t one, which is also why this one’s actual runtime is closer to 120 pages (with a bunch of back-filler about other books in the series). There’s a surf competition that Bill Chase wins, and there’s some groundwork laid for Todd buying a motorcycle, but that’s about it. This one is honestly an absolute snooze.

Reboot cover, circa 2009

‘Men are the root of all our problems.’ Her expression held an air of profound knowledge.

Sweet Valley High Social Calendar:
– Sweet Valley Surf Competition

Trivia:
– Jessica had a pet guinea pig when she was younger
– Todd has a sister in this one

Pop Culture References:
– Brooke Shields
– Bo Derek and “10” (second mention of this movie in five books)
– Creature from the Black Lagoon
– Jaws
– The Price is Right
– Scarlett O’Hara
– Barbie and Ken
– Fred Astaire

Does it hold up? (A Totally Unqualified Critical Analysis)

Sure? It certainly holds up better than a lot of what we’ve already been given, and certainly holds up better than what we’re about to endure. But it’s funny: this was another one that I wasn’t supposed to check out from the library because my mom was worried about the content, and the reality is that it’s honestly really tame? I mean, Scott is an absolute piece of shit, and he definitely gets a little handsy with Jessica, but he feels less demanding than Bruce did two books ago, and he passes out so early at the cabin that I don’t know Jessica was in any real danger.

Honestly, the part that stuck with me on this read-through is how much Jessica twists or distorts reality to fit her own narrative. She decides that it’s Elizabeth’s fault that she ends up stranded at the cabin because she didn’t work hard enough to convince her not to go, and it’s Elizabeth’s fault that she “failed” the tour guide test, even though Jessica didn’t actually show up to take it. It’s extremely weird, and extremely disconcerting, that the book allows Jessica to make these sort of statements and not face any real consequences. I also sometimes feel like Jessica actually believes her delusions, too, which brings us closer to some sort of clinical diagnosis?

At any rate, this one is a snooze – and honestly so are the next few for me. Let’s just keep forging ahead.

SVH #4: Power Play (Revisited)

Looking awkward and uncomfortable, Robin blushed. ‘I don’t mean to offend you, Liz, really I don’t, but I’m pretty sure Jessica’s never dressed like that in her life.’

The original cover, circa 1983

Details: Originally published in January 1984 by Bantam Books. According to my paperback copy, there had been 17 printings through February 1988.

Summary: Robin Wilson is determined to gain a bid to join Pi Beta Alpha, and she’s sure that Jessica will submit her name for pledging, since she promised to. Elizabeth is less sure about it, and so she submits Robin’s name, much to Jessica’s shock and anger. The PBAs come up with some truly humiliating challenges for Robin as part of her pledge process, including running the track in front of the entire school and daring her to ask Bruce Patman to the discomarathon dance at school. Liz intervenes to help with the latter, telling Bruce that she’ll write a feature about what an incredible tennis player he is in return for his help. But Bruce humiliates Robin in front of the school at the dance.

Even though Robin passes all the challenges the PBAs throw at her, she is blackballed during the voting process. Humiliated and mortified, she blows up at both of the twins before disappearing for a few weeks. When she comes back to school, it’s like a flip is switched and she’s a ghost of herself. She runs five miles every day and eats lettuce and a hard-boiled egg for lunch. She drops an unspecified amount of weight, but it’s a lot.

She tries out for the cheerleading squad and is named co-captain alongside Jessica. She competes against the PBA girls for the title of Miss Sweet Valley High (or possibly football queen – it’s hard to tell what exactly this is supposed to be), and she is named queen at the Homecoming game. She brings shy and quiet newspaper photographer Allen Walters on her victory lap around the field.

At some point the image was flipped for the cover?

The B Plot: Lila starts showering Jessica with expensive gifts that she claims are being sent from her aunt in New York. Something about it makes Liz uneasy, and when she pieces together that the items are actually coming from expensive stores at the mall (and that they’re being shoplifted), she gets really worried. Things come to a head when Jessica gets arrested for shoplifting, even though it’s been Lila the whole time. Lila eventually fesses up, gets arrested, and garners the attention of her workaholic father, which is what she wanted the entire time.

But as it often happened with the Wakefield twins, Jessica worked very hard to convince herself and others that nothing that went wrong was her fault, while Elizabeth usually found herself having to mop up the mess, no matter who had caused it.

Sweet Valley Social Calendar:
– 3-4 months elapse in this one, at least
– Discomarathon Dance at SVH
– Jessica is elected president of PBA; they recruit new members
– Miss Sweet Valley High (football queen???) contest
– Homecoming game (literally how????)
– Elizabeth gets her first byline in the Sweet Valley News

Trivia:
– Jessica and the number 37: “Robin can get carried away four hundred and thirty-seven times a day…she’s taking about thirty-seven extra courses…we have thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents in the treasury…if she ran around that track about a hundred and thirty-seven times…my head is going to burst into five hundred and thirty-seven pieces…I told her eight hundred and thirty-seven times….a hundred and thirty-seven disasters…the jerkiest person in thirty-seven states”
– Bruce is all-county first singles in tennis
– Lila starred in Pippin the year before

Pop Culture References:
– Attila the Hun
– Jane Fonda (workout on “video cassette”)
– Elvis Presley
– Fantasy Island
– Jon McEnroe
– Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall

Has there ever been a cover that says less about its contents?

Does it Hold Up? (A Critical Analysis)

Yeesh. This one is really hard to get through. This book is so incredibly fatphobic and so incredibly triggering and damaging, even for the early 80s, that it’s hard to see how it was ever greenlit as something that would be a positive influence on pubescent girls. It’s honestly one of the most hateful and awful things I’ve ever read in terms of bodies and body-shaming.

The thing is, it’s not just Jessica that talks about Robin in a truly unforgivable way. Every single character in this book (with the exception of Allen Walters) talks about Robin’s body in a way that’s so wildly fatphobic and out of line that there’s nothing here that’s redeemable. Even Elizabeth thinks about Robin’s body (and watches in horror as Robin eats a candy bar). The whole thing is so weird and so gross. Robin has literally been mocked and bullied about her weight, and then when she loses the weight, Elizabeth has the gall to say, “I hope you did this the right way.” Like of course she didn’t, you stupid bitch? She was horrifically bullied by her classmates and losing weight this quickly is a trauma response?

The thing is, Robin is funny. When Elizabeth tells her she looks terrible after running laps, Robin deadpans, “I’ve never looked good in shorts, Liz.” When she tells Liz that PBA has challenged her to get Bruce Patman to take her to the discomarathon, she says she’d have a better chance of going with Elvis Presley, and Liz doesn’t get it and tries to explain that he’s dead, but that was Robin’s whole point: “I’d have a better chance with a dead superstar than a live Bruce Patman.” Honestly, these mayonnaise teenagers at SVH don’t deserve Robin.

I honestly don’t know what to make of this one, other than the fact that it deeply sucks! There’s this sort of hurried statement near the end that indicates that Robin has taken back her power, that she’s ashamed that she let Jessica et al shame and humiliate her, but she has also starved and shrunk herself to fit into the white sumpremacist/patriarchal beauty ideals that others were using against her. It’s only now that she’s “trim and fit” that she’s accepted herself and is accepted by others. At the end of the day Robin gets her comeuppance because she’s thin enough to be accepted and desired.

Make no mistake: this book directly equates thinness to beauty. Robin is called “fat and ugly” in the same sentence, and then when she loses the weight, she’s suddenly beautiful. The whole thing is honestly so disgusting it makes me sick.